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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think I’m not in the wrong for being upset?

166 replies

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 10:17

My partner went on a work night out last night. He told me this morning that one of his colleagues always makes a beeline for him on nights out and that last night she did the same and came over and sat on his knee and draped herself over him (his words not mine).

I asked what happened and he said they had a short conversation with her sitting on his lap and then he got up. When I asked why he didn’t just either stop her from sitting on him or ask her to get up immediately, he said it wasn’t a big deal, this is what happens on nights out, that he got up as soon as he could so as not to hurt her feelings and that i
me being upset is ‘fucking ridiculous’.

We both used to work together so I am still friends with most of his colleagues (I don’t know this woman) and I think he only
told me because he thought one of them might mention it to me - more in a way of Xyz and ABC were friendly last night - because nobody knows we are together.

AIBU to be upset and think this is not really ok? If he’d stopped her from sitting or asked her to immediately get up, I’d not be upset but it’s the sitting talking to her whilst she is draped over his lap that feels disrespectful.

OP posts:
JHound · 01/06/2025 18:31

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:39

It’s always been him driving the secrecy. We’ve been together over a decade. I had to have a big fight with him years ago to get him to introduce me to his friends.

Show quote history

Oh hunny….

Sounds like he is your partner but you aren’t his.

JayJayj · 01/06/2025 18:31

So it’s ok for him to hurt your feelings but not his colleague who keeps trying to hit on him?

He loves the attention and doesn’t want it to stop more like.

knor · 01/06/2025 18:28

Totally normal to be upset by this!

also not sure the reasons why but if just his choice, a bit weird no one knows you’re together! Is there a reason for the secret?

my ex never told anyone we were together and it was for all negative reasons :(

Bunny65 · 01/06/2025 17:55

It is probably an open secret among some of your colleagues that you are together - people always pick up on that sort of chemistry even when you think you're being discreet. Also it is not his secret to keep, you don't need his permission to tell anyone that you are together.You could start dropping it into conversation casually when it's relevant, saying "you probably already know this anyway but in case you don't" etc. If he doesn't like it then you know it's because he likes being perceived as single.

Jellyrols · 01/06/2025 17:03

Lets face it, the OP has put up with this utter disrespect for a decade.
Her bar isn't high, and lord doesn't he know it.

A full decade of being hidden.🙄
Only on MN!
God love her.

Enrichetta · 01/06/2025 16:09

My guess is that he’ll do just enough to keep her sweet…

Paintbench · 01/06/2025 14:30

TiredOTUS · 01/06/2025 13:18

Sorry for the delay in replying. We had a proper conversation about this last night. I told him exactly how I feel. He explained that he didn’t feel like he had done anything wrong - he said that he hadn’t encouraged her, and that he felt caught in the headlights somewhat. He said that he would be aware next time she approached him and have some words ready.

He has also agreed that there is no need for secrecy now.

Im not 100 percent satisfied about this but will keep my eyes open. I did tell him that I felt like he didn’t respect me or the relationship enough and that things needed to change.

Show quote history

So after a decade, all it took was a little chat?

Original poster
TiredOTUS · 01/06/2025 13:18

Luckyducky10 · 01/06/2025 09:52

Any update OP

Sorry for the delay in replying. We had a proper conversation about this last night. I told him exactly how I feel. He explained that he didn’t feel like he had done anything wrong - he said that he hadn’t encouraged her, and that he felt caught in the headlights somewhat. He said that he would be aware next time she approached him and have some words ready.

He has also agreed that there is no need for secrecy now.

Im not 100 percent satisfied about this but will keep my eyes open. I did tell him that I felt like he didn’t respect me or the relationship enough and that things needed to change.

OP posts:
Merryoldgoat · 01/06/2025 10:06

How does this happen? The more I’m on here the more I worry for what happens to women.

Merryoldgoat · 01/06/2025 10:01

This is utterly bizarre.

Luckyducky10 · 01/06/2025 09:52

Any update OP

SALaw · 01/06/2025 08:39

Are you not always worried you’ll bump in to one of his colleagues when you’re together?! 10 years of secrecy is insane.

Coffeeishot · 01/06/2025 08:30

I just read you have been together 10 years ,jesus wept !

Inertia · 01/06/2025 08:22

Sounds like he’s keeping you secret while he tests the waters for someone permanent. He won’t look like the bad guy when he dumps you if he pretends that he’s been single the whole time.

There’s absolutely no need to hide your relationship if you haven’t worked together for ten years - and if you’re friendly with the same people then the effort required to keep the secret is ridiculous.

Enrichetta · 01/06/2025 06:59

Cardshade · 01/06/2025 06:27

Never going to happen

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Sadly I think you are right.

Cardshade · 01/06/2025 06:27

Wynter25 · 31/05/2025 21:09

LTB

Never going to happen

Cardshade · 01/06/2025 06:27

As long as there’s no children involved, as is the case here, any person who has endured this for a decade… can and will just crack on. They no doubt had an appalling benchmark for a relationship from watching their messed up parents relationship, and have a history of appalling relationships before this one.

Theres very little hope of change. So just as long as no children EVER are introduced, then 🤷‍♀️

Wynter25 · 31/05/2025 21:09

LTB

Gyozas · 31/05/2025 20:54

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 16:30

Not usually. Over Christmas she told me something that upset me - that he was behaving in a way with another colleague that people were asking what was going on. Sitting looking cozy. I genuinely think she is looking out for me though.

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This guy? Self serving prick. Wow.

Gyozas · 31/05/2025 20:46

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 13:39

It’s always been him driving the secrecy. We’ve been together over a decade. I had to have a big fight with him years ago to get him to introduce me to his friends.

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Omg. What the fuck is he up to??? You’re so not unreasonable. This is mental.

Dery · 31/05/2025 19:50

@TiredOTUS - does this mean that when you go to his work events together you pretend you’re not together? That is very weird, especially since you’re no longer at the same workplace. DH and I met at work - I know many couples who have - we kept it quiet for a bit while we worked out where we were at and then we let it be known we were a couple.

But the children situation is significant - if he really wants children, then, as people say, he may be keeping his options open and he may look to move on if he meets a woman who wants to have children.

TipsyRaven247 · 31/05/2025 18:50

Not ideal but not the end of the world either.
He needs to understand this is not acceptable and next time you will expect him to stop the flirting immediately. If he loves you , he will do it.

Alacartemenu · 31/05/2025 18:24

TiredOTUS · 31/05/2025 16:24

I think one of them has at least got an idea that we are together. She always makes a point of telling me what has happened on nights out where I haven’t been able to attend.

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So how do the two of you behave when you go to work events together? you must have been to a few over 10 years of being together.

JillMW · 31/05/2025 18:21

You are a partner that nobody knows about. Is he married to someone else?

Polecat07 · 31/05/2025 18:19

All this combined with the fact he won't add you to his Facebook (together a DECADE) absolutely screams he is still living and behaving as a single man behind your back. Sorry OP, but it does.

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