To think someone's sexual predilections reflects on their broader character?

@HuffleMyPuffle but this thread has predominantly been people criticising the OP for being judgemental and narrow minded, yet most posters are saying mumsnet is full of pearl clutching sex-phobes

Just because people don't share your kink doesn't mean what the sex they have is less good.

I don’t think anyone is saying it’s ‘less good’. It’s just that there are people on this thread that are implying that very straightforward forms of sex are the only forms of sex that are healthy and acceptable, which is simply not the case.

This thread reminds me a bit of threads about tattoos, where dozens of people who hate tattoos get genuinely cross and super-judgemental about other people having them. Whereas people who love tattoos literally never get cross about other people not having them. Nobody with a tattoo is looking at a tattoo-free person and thinking ‘Ew, they’re awful because they don’t have any tattoos’. Same with sexual kinks. Nobody with a kink gets angry about couples not having kinks. Nobody with a kink would start a thread saying ‘AIBU to think there’s something wrong with people who don’t have any kinks?’ It’s entirely the other way around.

When I was maybe six, there was a brief story on the news about a man in some other country who was going to be publicly caned for littering with chewing gum. And I was fascinated by this. Were his pants going to be down or up? Were other people going to watch? How hard was he going to be hit? If his pants were down, was someone else going to pull them down, or did he have to do it himself?

I have no history of abuse, and my parents didn’t let me watch any children’s TV shows that centered around violence or characters fighting each other (think Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles). Why did I find some sort of nascent eroticism in this story? I don’t know.

Take boxing

Both parties consent to being hit but sometimes they can end up with brain damage...

MN has a variety of opinions, yes, but there are some very defined ones which you can always be sure that the majority will hold and the minority who hold different opinions will be called lots of names and have all kinds of accusations made about them

You can find the idea of them disgusting. Anyone can find anything disgusting. There are plenty of sexual fetishes that I would find utterly gross, weird and inexplicable, but it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with people just because they don’t share my disgust.

That doesn’t mean the people who like them are doing anything wrong, or that you’re entitled to make judgements about their character based on them, or claim that what they do to enjoy themselves with other adults is somehow harmful, or the sign of a warped mind.

I can list plenty of things that make me shudder with disgust, including coriander, tomato juice, the smell of spearmint, children with sticky hands, babies getting food all over their faces, other people’s feet, aromatherapy massages and tinned vegetables. That doesn’t mean I think there’s anything wrong with people who aren’t similarly horrified by them. Same with sex - if two people share a love of being pissed on or whatever, that’s really not my thing and my first thought is ‘Eww.’ But they’re not harming anyone by sharing that fetish with each other so I hope they have a lovely time.

Take feederism - even if both parties are fully consenting, does that really make it ok? It has lead to people losing all quality of life and even death from obesity-related diseases.

I'm a gay woman who is into BDSM. I like being submissive (though don't mind domming my wife). I like restraints and impact play. I like to feel degraded.

There's nothing wrong with me. Irl, I'm a MH nurse. I'm known for being compassionate and a good listener. I come across a bit eccentric (neurodiverse) and have very nerdy interests. I'm pretty much known as a loveable dork. My bedroom activities don't say anything about me as a person. I'm a little awkward (again due to neurodivergence), but extraverted. I'm not afraid to lay a boundary, or stick up for myself or others. I'm also a very outspoken and opinionated feminist.

There is a fine line between pleasure and pain. Pain can release endorphins, which is why it feels good. Just how some people feel good after an intense work out. BDSM has been a thing for as long as sex has been a thing. I don't know why it's so hard to accept that people just have different sexual preferences. Sensory play (like restraints and blindfolds) and giving your full trust to someone can be exciting and highly erotic with the right person, as can letting someone else take complete control be. As for the more niche kinks with pee etc, this is often about the humiliation aspect/people playing with the taboo. Not my cup of tea, but it isn't harming anyone.

Having said that, if I was straight, I'd feel different. I wouldn't want to submit to a man as it's a different dynamic (tbh I think I'd more love humiliating and domming men, lmao). There are a fair amount of dodgy men on the kink scene, and you have to be careful. There are definitely men who use it as an excuse to abuse, or they've seen too much porn. Equally though, I met a lot of nice male friends who just happened to naturally enjoy dominating. There are plenty of male subs too!

You are confusing kink with abuse. Me letting my wife use a cane on me isn't abuse. Because I asked for it and like it 🤷 informed consent is key in kink, and anyone not following informed consent will be rapidly removed from kink circles.

I do think there is probably a psychological element that drives our sexual preferences, whether you are kinky or vanilla. But honestly, if we all say and thought about why we like what we like and why we act the way we do in the bedroom, no one would be having sex. Unless you have other issues and use sex as self destructive behaviour or whatever, it really doesn't need psychoanalysing.

Off topic- but this is bollocks

MN has a range of views…I don’t think I’ve ever seen a single thread where everyone is in agreement ever.

I’ve seen people spout a lot of dumb shit on here- including very misogynistic and victim blaming crap, but they’ve always been challenged by many other posters.

MN is not a single type of person.

Its also ironic that this comment is made in a thread where there is post after post criticising the OP for questioning kinks and what it means about the person. Sounds like every poster on this thread has a non- vanilla sex life!

but to answer OP’s question, I think there’s a difference between a kink and someone who is evil and controlling in real life also bringing that into the bedroom/intimate relationships.

I don’t think anyone is disputing the rights and wrongs of kink necessarily. I personally couldn’t give a shit what consenting adults choose to do sexually and I don’t think most people are wrong for enjoying whatever they enjoy but I think OP is referring to is how the kink came about. The psychology behind it.

A lot of sexual activity is about exerting power over others or being submissive to others in an acceptable way, and enabling people to express that side of their personality in a safe space. Sometimes there is a dark element to how and why people get their sexual gratification in certain ways, and it can be creepy, nobody can deny that.

If it doesn’t harm anybody though, it’s up to the people involved. It still doesn’t mean it has absolutely no meaning at all and isn’t linked to elements of personality.

I disagree OP, born in mid 1970's and never had an issue with people being themselves until this "trans" movement happened a few years ago and enveloped people who are paedophiles and lots of teenagers who were normally confused.
You would never know my interesting preferences as they involve no-one except my husband and me.

I've just always been i take anyone as they come and all it depends on personality and how I get on with them.

I don't need anyone to tell me what they identify as, I really don't care. If you're nice I will get on with you, if you're not I will try by best to understand you and find a common ground to like you.

It really is that simple.

I know. That’s what I said. 🙄

Why do you think something harmless like dressing up as a dog or wearing a nappy is disgusting? I don’t actually think most people would.

I agree with the OP's general statement that what people are into sexually says something about their wider character. It's not an isolated thing. This seems obvious and is true of most of our preferences in most areas of our lives, surely.

However, I don't think that the correlation between the kink and what it says about the wider character is easy to untangle. Psyches are difficult and complex.

I am amused both by the people who think that a particular way of doing sex is morally superior; and by the people who like a specific type of sex and who think that other ways of doing it are "boring", "vanilla", "missionary in the dark", "closed minded". Just because people don't share your kink doesn't mean what the sex they have is less good.

Voyeurism is about overriding boundaries, when it comes down to it.

Voyeurism can be conducted completely consensually.

The true voyeur doesn't want to watch an exhibitionist, though. He (and it's almost always a man) wants to watch someone who doesn't want to be watched and who would be horrified to know they were being watched. It's the forbidden nature of it that appeals, the secrecy of it.

Yes to you but most of us think otherwise as is our right.

Kink talk aside, why is oral sex not an expression of love?

Or just women tired of MN trying to tell them how to women

Want to see my genitals to check? One of those people?

Because that feels like a kink to me tbh

Voyeurism can be conducted completely consensually.

I've already said MANY times consent is key and said including people who don't consent isn't OK. But again, exhibitionism can be conducted in a way that is consensual.

Because if the voyeurs and the exhibitionists get together they both get what they want with people who can consent

Sexual pleasure doesn't always have to also be about romantic love

And strangling has been addressed many times. It's not disgusting to be into strangling or being strangled so long as you are consenting and are careful. Forcing someone to be strangled isn't the same thing at all

You are confusing using kink as a mask for sexual abuse and rape with actual kink practices

More like "Sex topic on MN? Blokes must on it."

Are you a bloke?

I think speculating on what people get up to in the privacy of their own homes, or in places specifically designed to accommodate whatever they want to get up to in the privacy of that place, is akin to wanting to know what genitals people possess before they are allowed to urinate or defecate.

But I am beyond excited that Billie Piper is the new doctor.

Really? There are no kinks that are in any way suggestive of someone who is maybe a bit dodgy?

Voyeurism isn’t creepy? It’s illegal, and you are here defending it.
Exhibitionism? yes actually forcing non-consenting others to see your sexual activity is grim as fuck.
Trying to normalize pissing and shitting by selling it as an expression of love? ( You don’t have to be Freud to see what’s happening here)
And the perennial favourite of finding strangling women deeply arousing?

I neither know nor care what your kink is- but I do know that you are absolutely in denial.

I'm actually surprised how long it took until someone started calling those who disagreed men tbh

Agree. These threads always go the same way, though.