Is this what you call performance parenting?

It does sound a little performative to me. But I don’t know if you’re like that at home or how often you do it? Yes it’s good to teach your kids about the world, of course it is. But it’s equally important to just let them have a nice time at the zoo without testing their knowledge of the flora and fauna of other countries. If they ask questions, that’s different.

When I take DS out, I tend to let him experience the world as he wants or needs to and I answer questions he asks. Yes, sometimes I will tell him stuff about what we are seeing. But I always do it quietly. I think anyone who talks so loud to anyone (or on their phones) is performing and I don’t like other people overhearing my conversations.

I took DS out recently and we grabbed some food and found a little picnic bench in a quiet ish area and we sat and chatted and laughed the same way I would with an adult. I was being present with him, only noticing him and not taking in the other people around us

At that age every experience is a learning experience - it’s just a fun, connected ine as opposed to “school” learning.

This. Just ignore them - everyone parents in their own way, but I’m with you - stretching your child’s mind is super important at any age but especially when very young. I think you are doing brilliantly.

I wish you’d have been quick enough to answer the square root question or better yet your dd

Indeed, there is a difference between talking to your children in a natural manner and lecturing at them.

My parents talked to me but they didn't feel the need to do it loudly in public for attention!

Exactly this!

Your description doesn’t sound like ‘engaging’ but more you lecturing her about chess, and testing her general knowledge about Australia. It doesn’t sound like it was aimed at her and for her benefit, but for the other people around you.

It’s more engaging to be age-appropriate conversation and play based.

The difference between engaging with your children and performance parenting is very subtle. The fact two separate groups noticed you - and you noticed them noticing you - definitely suggests it was PP.

You sound like an engaged parent. I think a lot of people totally underestimate the curiosity of children. Your engagement with her curiosity will pay off. Chess pieces and a board are great fun to play with and four isn’t too early to learn a little of the game.

I think it partly depends on how loudly you do it. But also whether the subsequent questions - "Do you remember what else is is Australia? sort of stuff - is forced or comes naturally in a conversation. Were you lecturing her or having a conversation?

The way you put it in your OP @NotSoSlimShadee doesn't sound like a conversation ...

Ackshually 🤓 the aim is to put the opponent's king in a situation where it can't avoid being captured. You never actually capture it. And of course pawns can sometimes move two squares. If I had seen this incident I would have suggested that OP take some chess lessons before feeding fake news to DD!

I think the issue is both the volume and the "can you remember what else lives in Australia" which can be interpreted as "pay attention everyone - the fruit of my womb is about to astound you with her amazing knowledge".

Most parents when their child says "look at that funny bird" would say something like - look at its big beak, I wonder what it eats, doesn't it have cool red feathers, etc etc.

Well, if other people can hear you AND you can see their reaction you’re obviously
(a) very loud,

and

(b) not looking at only your daughter but glancing around to see who’s noticed you ‘parenting’

So yes, performative.

I used to engage with DD and DSC’s all the time, I love knowledge and learning and really enjoyed teaching them stuff. Now the youngest is 15 and rolls her eyes every time I try and tell her anything, even when’s she’s asked me 🤣 I’m hoping the interest and engagement will come back, it is slowly with DSC’s (early 20’s!). I am probably loud with it as I’m partially deaf, I don’t think I’d be accused of performance parenting though as I’m not posh and was really young when I had 3 DSC’s and DD at 22!

Beautiful

I think some people also underestimate the intelligence of children and how they love to learn if it’s made light, fun and exciting. And how it sticks with them. Maybe some people think learning is something you do at a table or on a screen: being sat down and told it’s learning time. Kids learn best as they go along, through doing stuff and play, through what they do with their family.

For example, making cakes with kids is a great way to learn weights, measures and how materials react (gluten with butter with liquid) and heat. As well as how to cook from scratch. But most kids don’t realise they’re learning maths and science. They’re interested in tasting the mixture and eating the cakes!

But you obvs have to adapt to their level. For those shocked OP expected her DC to know where Australia is, what’s so difficult about ‘on the other side of the world’? My grandad taught us that every time we dug a hole: you’ll end up in Australia. I actually believed I might at one point! But I never forgot how far away Australia was. Ended up living there for a bit.

you sound like a lovely engaged parent and your daughter is very lucky to have you as a mother. i used to work at a nursery and it was always very telling who had engaged parents and who didn’t

I want cinnamon yogurt now

This is ridiculous!

Because they are engaging with their child?

Youre giving me gooozebree and cinnamon yoghurrrt vibes.

But, but ... But:

At that age it's probably best to see a child as a kind of sponge for every sort of fact and other piece of knowledge. (Understanding is really important, as well as facts - of course at appropriate levels.)

This is really important. Those of you (surprisingly many, I have to say) who think it's not important to tell small children as much as possible about the world, you are wrong.

Trust me. Talk to your kids. Explain things to them ... the chewing-gum stains on the city street, how mince is cooked, what a black hole is, why it's wrong to steal, why poetry sometimes rhymes, how you know where your feet are when you can't see them ... everything you possibly can. Really, they'll thank you for it. They'll have a happier life, too. So will you. Trust me.

It's about your intent. Were you trying to have everyone else hear you teach your daughter? If yes, performance parenting. If no, great parenting and your voice might just be naturally louder than other people (I know quite a few people who just naturally speak loudly, it's not a choice).

For the most part, kids really enjoy learning. It's why they ask "why?" all the time. Pre-empting that or engaging with it and giving explanations isn't performative; it's engaged and enthusiastic. It models passion for learning and information and knowledge. Using bigger words models good vocabulary and increases exposure to challenging words; you can then scaffold up anything they don't quite understand yet.

It sounds like you were engaged and encouraging. If other parents see that as competitive, it speaks more to their insecurities than anything else.

You sound like a lovely engaged parent. I don't understand all these other responses. Kids love learning, you've done nothing wrong.

It’s hard to say without being there.
Your explanations are too long (why wouldn’t you just say to capture the other person’s king) and you seem to enjoy the quizzing sort of conversation so it might be your personality.
I think that the primary info we need is how loud you are. If you are loud enough that everybody in the vicinity can hear you then you probably are performance parenting. I see parents explaining things to kids when out and about but I can only usually hear what is being said when I’m very close to them as they have awareness of how people don’t want to be forced to listen to other people’s conversations iyswim. If you’re somewhere deserted then do as you like but if it’s somewhere quite busy you might want to time it down if you’re prone to being loud.

You're doing a great job OP! Connecting with your child is important, let the others be the pawns!