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Is this what you call performance parenting?

389 replies

NotSoSlimShadee · 31/05/2025 10:09

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 31/05/2025 18:16

Santasbigredbobblehat · 31/05/2025 10:46

Not performative. How are children ever supposed to learn about things if someone doesn’t ask questions of them and explain things? My 6 year old has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the monarchs of Europe and we have discussions in public about who did what when, why wouldn’t we?

I teach Early Years and the number of children I work with who are clearly never told anything is obvious and depressing. Keep doing it, those other parents are dicks.

Oh fucking hell . My 6 year old has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the monarchs of Europe

😂 You can performance parent online too.

adviceneeded1990 · 31/05/2025 18:09

ShellieAnn · 31/05/2025 18:04

Well yeah, it would have saved me from listening to that! There's a time and a place to read in silly ( loud) voices to kids and that ain't it.

That’s sad, but a fair representation of what this country has become in relation to children. I‘m a teacher and I have so many children in front of me each new school year without basic general knowledge, the ability to enjoy a story, the ability to express creativity when bored, etc, because of this “just plug them in so they are seen and not heard” attitude. There are far worse things going on in public places than a parent reading a story.

ShellieAnn · 31/05/2025 18:04

adviceneeded1990 · 31/05/2025 17:59

Entertaining her children on a train journey? With an enthusiastic story? What terrible parenting. Would you prefer they sit in silence plugged into an iPad?

Well yeah, it would have saved me from listening to that! There's a time and a place to read in silly ( loud) voices to kids and that ain't it.

adviceneeded1990 · 31/05/2025 17:59

ShellieAnn · 31/05/2025 15:17

If you would have acted the same with no one in ear shot then it's just attentive parenting. I saw classic performance parenting recently on a train. A woman reading her child a story from a kids' magazine and doing all the crazy faces and voices for the whole carriage to listen to.

Entertaining her children on a train journey? With an enthusiastic story? What terrible parenting. Would you prefer they sit in silence plugged into an iPad?

LookingAtMyBhunas · 31/05/2025 17:40

Snorlaxo · 31/05/2025 17:28

Don’t make the same mistake as these parents and turn your child into a viral talking point

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/moana-girl-singing-delayed-flight-video-b2760862.html

I feel very sorry for the girl -she’s old enough that her peers may have seen this and may not be able up shake off the Internet nickname Moana girl.

Jesus christ in heaven.

LookingAtMyBhunas · 31/05/2025 17:37

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 31/05/2025 12:56

I don’t see a problem with this. So many children in the UK have so little exposure to a second language. So she’s teaching them some French! So what?

The French was one example.
And I'd agree if she had ever actually just had a normal conversation with them, or played with them, or asked how their day had been, but it was a constant learning environment and exhausted them, and me tbh.

Snorlaxo · 31/05/2025 17:28

Don’t make the same mistake as these parents and turn your child into a viral talking point

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/moana-girl-singing-delayed-flight-video-b2760862.html

I feel very sorry for the girl -she’s old enough that her peers may have seen this and may not be able up shake off the Internet nickname Moana girl.

Plane passengers subjected to ‘nightmare’ as girl takes over intercom to sing Moana

After an initial two-hour take-off delay, the Orlando-bound plane spent another two hours circling its destination city

https://www.independent.co.uk/life-style/moana-girl-singing-delayed-flight-video-b2760862.html

chunkybear · 31/05/2025 17:13

You were literally telling your child how to play the game, not like you were talking about warfare, strategies etc!
WRT the Australian discussion, perfectly normal too!
I used to get my kids involved with what birds are in the garden/tree and plant names, fruit and veg names in the supermarket etc so you carry on, engagement and educational, sounds perfect parenting to me

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/05/2025 16:51

Enough4me · 31/05/2025 16:47

Absolutely, I judge performance parenting as annoying. Hands up I do that.
However, I'm not smug about my DC as how well they do or do not do is largely down to their choices.
What is, "naturally loud"?
We all have the ability to modify tone/pitch/volume (within reason unless affected by health/genetics).
I see the vast majority of parents parenting (interacting with DC) minus the performance.
Rather than look around and perform for an audience, performance parents could focus on their DCs and their needs. While focusing on their DC they are more likely to hear what their DC are saying.

Naturally loud is when people are...wait for it...loud by nature.

Yes we can modify but when caught up in something, the majority of people revert to their natural state because they aren't focused on what's around them, but instead what they're doing and the people with them.

HTH.

Enough4me · 31/05/2025 16:47

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/05/2025 13:30

Have you considered that some people are just...loud? Naturally?

You sound judgemental and smug.

Absolutely, I judge performance parenting as annoying. Hands up I do that.
However, I'm not smug about my DC as how well they do or do not do is largely down to their choices.
What is, "naturally loud"?
We all have the ability to modify tone/pitch/volume (within reason unless affected by health/genetics).
I see the vast majority of parents parenting (interacting with DC) minus the performance.
Rather than look around and perform for an audience, performance parents could focus on their DCs and their needs. While focusing on their DC they are more likely to hear what their DC are saying.

Lookforthefairfolk · 31/05/2025 16:16

Did Henry answer correctly?

Gall10 · 31/05/2025 15:46

Ddakji · 31/05/2025 10:11

I would say the first isn’t (you answered her question of “what is chess”) and the second is (turned a conversation into a lesson).

If any of this happened, that is.

My thoughts!

Theroadt · 31/05/2025 15:40

SnoozingFox · 31/05/2025 15:12

But that's not it at all.

I talked to my kids ALL the time and we did so many educational things and they had "learning experiences" all the time. But firing questions and giving over-complex explanations isn't really useful. At that age it's more about them developing their own curiosity and desire to learn, engaging them about what they're seeing and helping them to explore that - so rather than firing questions about Australian animals which require a one word answer, you get the child engaged in looking at its legs and wondering how high it can jump, or asking what you think they eat, or talking about how a kangaroo looks a bit like a wallaby they've just seen, or walking around the enclosure to see how many others there are and count the total etc etc. It's about nurturing interests and if they're not interested in the kangaroos then fine, you move on and look at the monkeys or the fish. Rather than loudly lecturing and firing questions.

I didn’t read all of that into the conversation OP set out. Some people are natyrally good af asking just the right question to get that all going - and some aren’t, but still have a go. Maybd they are not the best Qs to ask but she is trying to engage her child and interact - honestly people on MN are so judgy. OP is doing far, far better than parents whi simply frisbee a tablet/phone to their kids, and any attempt to stretch minds, however imperfect, should be applauded but in UK too often derided.

classornot · 31/05/2025 15:38

You must be very loud if so many different people are consecutively listening and laughing...

Canshehavewaferthinham · 31/05/2025 15:37

I still remember being around 7 years old and saying a childish 'what is THAT?' About something on the TV(a programme about rivers and sewage works!) And my dad telling me what this device was, but then going on and on and on and on and on for what felt like hours and I darent let on that I'd lost interest so had to keep looking at him and not looking bored, it was torturous!
But anyway, you don't sound like you did anything wrong to me but I agree be aware of kid's natural attention spans!

Butchyrestingface · 31/05/2025 15:36

I'm thinking you were foghorn loud.

Theroadt · 31/05/2025 15:35

Maybe. But my son (dyslexic, early speech hesitancy and word-finding difficulty) needed the constant prompt such questions provided, and his speech therapist said that was good for NT children, too. But as usual, those with precocious (your word: engaged) kids don’t need that for their natural brilliance to shine through.

CarterBeatsTheDevil · 31/05/2025 15:28

Can someone give me an approximate idea of the maximum decibel level that my voice can acceptably reach when out with my daughter before I will be judged by others for performance parenting?

Incakewetrust · 31/05/2025 15:22

Honestly you’re doing great. You’re interacting with your child, answering their questions and helping them learn.
the other parents judge because it makes them reflect on their own parenting.

keep doing what you’re doing xx

thisfilmisboring123 · 31/05/2025 15:19

Yep, these two things definitely happened. 🤥

You're that arsed if you’re being unreasonable but haven’t come back to the thread in 5 hours since posting.

ShellieAnn · 31/05/2025 15:17

If you would have acted the same with no one in ear shot then it's just attentive parenting. I saw classic performance parenting recently on a train. A woman reading her child a story from a kids' magazine and doing all the crazy faces and voices for the whole carriage to listen to.

Chick981 · 31/05/2025 15:16

Loopylou7219 · 31/05/2025 13:26

As does your response 😏

What, that I don’t spoilt my children? The OP’s daughter literally just asked what a chess table was and was immediately met with an offer to buy her some chess pieces, before she’d even answered the question. That would make me roll my eyes in public too!

Frostynoman · 31/05/2025 15:13

No idea what performative parenting is but it sounds like you’re a great parent!

SnoozingFox · 31/05/2025 15:12

Theroadt · 31/05/2025 14:42

Agreed, and it’s SO depressing - everyone seems to want to just be the lowest common denominator in case they are “pretentious” or “swots”. It’s bullying, really.

But that's not it at all.

I talked to my kids ALL the time and we did so many educational things and they had "learning experiences" all the time. But firing questions and giving over-complex explanations isn't really useful. At that age it's more about them developing their own curiosity and desire to learn, engaging them about what they're seeing and helping them to explore that - so rather than firing questions about Australian animals which require a one word answer, you get the child engaged in looking at its legs and wondering how high it can jump, or asking what you think they eat, or talking about how a kangaroo looks a bit like a wallaby they've just seen, or walking around the enclosure to see how many others there are and count the total etc etc. It's about nurturing interests and if they're not interested in the kangaroos then fine, you move on and look at the monkeys or the fish. Rather than loudly lecturing and firing questions.

Littlethingshelp · 31/05/2025 15:09

The other people seem rude

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