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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this what you call performance parenting?

389 replies

NotSoSlimShadee · 31/05/2025 10:09

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

OP posts:
Pigtailsandall · 31/05/2025 20:00

Lowena76 · 31/05/2025 19:49

Yes it’s an absolute tragedy for them. Thankfully my eldest can in fact read Latin. And speaks 4 languages fluently. So they’ve done ok.

So you DO performance parent, just online

Pigtailsandall · 31/05/2025 19:58

Lowena76 · 31/05/2025 19:41

Ahh “museum parents”
Persephone if you ask for the guide book in Latin you can get some nettle sorbet.
Horatio don’t forget your harpsichord recital.
my children are great at playing along with this. Called the eldest Attila in London. Nobody batted an eyelid.

Edited

That's cause we're polite and realise that you do you and we do us. God women judging women is just rife on MN

Lowena76 · 31/05/2025 19:49

adviceneeded1990 · 31/05/2025 19:43

How sad for your children that they are being taught to make fun of people who might sound or behave differently to them and their family.

Yes it’s an absolute tragedy for them. Thankfully my eldest can in fact read Latin. And speaks 4 languages fluently. So they’ve done ok.

CosyLemur · 31/05/2025 19:46

I mean if you're asking normal people no you're literally just parenting BUT if you're asking Mumsnet then that's a whole different kettle of fish and they think any kids of conversation with kids outside the home is performance parenting!
Personally I think do what makes you and your kids happy!

adviceneeded1990 · 31/05/2025 19:43

Lowena76 · 31/05/2025 19:41

Ahh “museum parents”
Persephone if you ask for the guide book in Latin you can get some nettle sorbet.
Horatio don’t forget your harpsichord recital.
my children are great at playing along with this. Called the eldest Attila in London. Nobody batted an eyelid.

Edited

How sad for your children that they are being taught to make fun of people who might sound or behave differently to them and their family.

Lowena76 · 31/05/2025 19:41

Ahh “museum parents”
Persephone if you ask for the guide book in Latin you can get some nettle sorbet.
Horatio don’t forget your harpsichord recital.
my children are great at playing along with this. Called the eldest Attila in London. Nobody batted an eyelid.

youknowthedance · 31/05/2025 19:36

Idk I find lot of people over explain to their kids to the point they clearly zone out or won’t understand what you are even saying, they talk soooo loud and put on a weird voice when they do it and it’s always ‘wow great job, good listening, great questioning’ (which is fine to praise etc but when it’s every 2 seconds it’s annoying) and honestly it does make me roll my eyes.

it is fab that you actually talk and converse with ur kids! I am a very involved parent, I will explain if they ask and talk to my kids through a lot but I talk quietly, talk to them normally and keep it short and simple but still answer the question

Kazzybingbong · 31/05/2025 19:34

I home educate so a lot of our conversations go like this because that is literally her education.

I wouldn’t even notice someone laughing at us and if I did, I’d tell them to fuck off. Because obviously it’s not performative in any way. If other people think it is, then whatever 🤷🏽‍♀️

TrixieFatell · 31/05/2025 19:32

I have a child who loves being tested on his current obsessions. I remember when he was 4 and obsessed with planets he wanted me to test him on the dwarf planets and their locations. It would have sounded like performative parenting but that's the conversations he likes. He had a chess obsession last year and liked to tell me about strategies he would use.
I think you've probably touched a nerve or something with the other parents.

Carodebalo · 31/05/2025 19:23

What you are doing is great. I loved talking to my littles ones (and still do now that they are older), teaching them things and trying to teach them how to think critically. But it becomes irritating to others if you do it at a loud volume. Lots of parents speak really loudly with their children when in public, I don’t think they always mean to, but they do. No one else wants to hear your/our teachings, or how cleverly little Johnny responds to them. It’s not the children that bother me, it’s the high volume of the parents that I don’t want to listen to in the train/a waiting room/a restaurant. All parents have to do is use their ‘indoor voice’. Maybe you could try this and see how it goes? (So: don’t stop what you’re doing, just lower the volume!)

MiracleCures · 31/05/2025 19:21

Enough4me · 31/05/2025 16:47

Absolutely, I judge performance parenting as annoying. Hands up I do that.
However, I'm not smug about my DC as how well they do or do not do is largely down to their choices.
What is, "naturally loud"?
We all have the ability to modify tone/pitch/volume (within reason unless affected by health/genetics).
I see the vast majority of parents parenting (interacting with DC) minus the performance.
Rather than look around and perform for an audience, performance parents could focus on their DCs and their needs. While focusing on their DC they are more likely to hear what their DC are saying.

How do you know who has a health issue affecting volume and who doesn't?

I didn't saw my ear off, I just got hearing damage from repeated infections as a child. The only sign is my loud voice and the fact I might not hear you if I can't lip read

HairOfFineStraw · 31/05/2025 19:20

I think more people should engage their small kids. DS is 4 and is learning chess. There's a Duolingo for it, another app he uses and we also have a cheap little board. He's really into it and soon will start playing online with his grandpa abroad.

As long as your conversation was for you two and not to tell everyone, then you are being a good parent not a performative one.

I feel bad for the other child whose parents don't want to teach him anything other than making fun of people.

MiracleCures · 31/05/2025 19:20

The comments about loud talking piss me off. I am partly hearing impaired. My voice is inevitably loud.
DS was a very early talker and loved asking questions and learning new things. We chatted about all sorts.
I am the least performy person ever but if people overheard us and jumped to that conclusion then in all honesty I don't really care.

I don't think either of your conversations are performance parenting. And get the chess set! DS played in fits and starts when young but loves it now. It's a nice way to spend time with a teenager! (He also does rock climbing and sailing and plays too many computer games with his friends, for those who need reassurance he's not being hot housed)

Some kids love learning and talking about the world, it's a pleasure to spend time with them and it's a shame some people are stupid and judge

TicklishMintDuck · 31/05/2025 19:17

Guavafish1 · 31/05/2025 10:12

You must be very loud

I was going to say this too. Parents who parent loudly in public. Otherwise the others wouldn’t have noticed what you were talking about.

Umidontknow · 31/05/2025 19:17

For you to get laughed at by different people on separate occasions I think it's probably the way you are saying things rather than what you are saying tbh

Newbie8918 · 31/05/2025 19:06

Yes. You should just give them an iPad and ignore them. Jesus, I’m so thankful that I don’t have kids. The pressure to be ‘prefect’ must be immense!

Id smile if I heard you. You sound like you’re doing a wonderful, thoughtful job. Well done.

WitcheryDivine · 31/05/2025 19:00

Santasbigredbobblehat · 31/05/2025 18:51

He’s autistic and it’s something he’s interested in. Talking about them regulates him.

Good for you for following his interests - as someone with an autistic family member I didn’t need to be told that btw! 😄 🤴

Santasbigredbobblehat · 31/05/2025 18:51

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2025 18:16

Oh fucking hell . My 6 year old has an encyclopaedic knowledge of the monarchs of Europe

😂 You can performance parent online too.

He’s autistic and it’s something he’s interested in. Talking about them regulates him.

heartsinvisiblefury · 31/05/2025 18:49

Yes. You are very much looking like a performance parent.

adviceneeded1990 · 31/05/2025 18:47

DarkForces · 31/05/2025 18:17

@adviceneeded1990 the education system is hardly promoting much creativity in my experience. And stories are fine. Just match your volume to your environment. Inside voices and all that

This is true. There is no money to promote anything other than the very basics at the moment and it’s heartbreaking. Children coming to school remotely prepared and able to do something other than click a screen mindlessly does help though. Parents are the first educators and all that.

As this thread shows people have different views on what constitutes an inside voice. Having been on trains full of drunken morons, grown adults having screechy FT chats, screaming across the carriage at their friend in a different seat, iPads and phones with no headphones blaring, etc, I’d far rather listen to a story for children! There are also quiet carriages available.

WitcheryDivine · 31/05/2025 18:42

ShellieAnn · 31/05/2025 18:04

Well yeah, it would have saved me from listening to that! There's a time and a place to read in silly ( loud) voices to kids and that ain't it.

I got a face last time I read to my little one on a train - usually if anyone bothers to listen they smile but maybe it was you (although maybe not as I’m not loud). If people would rather I had my kid screaming or trying to empty their handbags or come over to be entertained by you, please just say. Personally I find cartoons or blinky blonky game noises people give their kids absolutely horrible to listen to. If you find people talking to their kids so worrisome maybe go to the quiet carriage or get some really good headphones. You can’t just switch kids off for the journey then switch them back on at arrival (if only!!)

Grammarnut · 31/05/2025 18:28

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 31/05/2025 13:33

and do you not have a chess set?

We don't. We don't play and we have a small house, so unnecessary things are limited because of storage. I think lots of people probably don't own a chess set...

Just wondered. My late DH used to play for his county so we have several. I play poorly, sadly!

pinkyredrose · 31/05/2025 18:24

persoe · 31/05/2025 11:17

I used to explain everything to my children, get them to think about stuff, ask lots of questions, both in private, and when occasion demanded, also in public. I probably did have a loud voice, too. Still do. (Though not as loud as some people who talk on their phones in trains, urgh.)

I guess I was one of those 'performative parents'.

Did people laugh at me? They probably did. But I don't care. My children grew up, got well-educated (at public expense, I might add, though I helped finance their undergrad living expenses), did lots of postgrad degrees, charity work, travelled the world, partnered with like-minded decent people, had kids of their own, advanced in fulfilling careers ...

Now, I'm happy to say, they bring their own children up much as they were brought up - sometimes performatively. They don't care if people laugh, either; they have personal knowledge of the advantages of parental engagement like that for children.

I'm now a performative grandparent. Laugh at me all you like. Then piss off, you stupid ignorant chavs.

How classy.

ThePunnyPeachDuck · 31/05/2025 18:23

You do you

the majority of people out in public are not the brightest and I wouldn’t worry what they do or say

DarkForces · 31/05/2025 18:17

@adviceneeded1990 the education system is hardly promoting much creativity in my experience. And stories are fine. Just match your volume to your environment. Inside voices and all that

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