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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this what you call performance parenting?

389 replies

NotSoSlimShadee · 31/05/2025 10:09

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

OP posts:
BoredZelda · 31/05/2025 11:04

inamarina · 31/05/2025 10:59

I’ve noticed that one too. How would a four-year-old explain where Australia was?
As for the chess example, I’d say the explanation was too detailed, given that all the child initially did was approach a chess table (presumably without any pieces on it?) So explaining how chess works in theory to a four-year-old seems a bit over the top.
I’m also surprised that the women who were just walking past were able to hear the entire longwinded explanation.

Australia is on the other side of the world.

Two lines about how chess works is hardly an in depth description.

Maybe the problem here is OP didn’t baby talk to her kid and used normal adult language. That worked fine for my 4 year old.

Borgonzola · 31/05/2025 11:03

Also those other people sound like dicks. You’re teaching your child to be curious and ask questions, and also on a broader level, that you’re interested in talking to them. They’re teaching their children to mock interest in knowledge and that it’s ok to be rude to people to their faces

CloudyPortal · 31/05/2025 11:02

It's completely normal, but it's also fairly common for parents to not speak to their DC much and just shut it down with a reply like "it's called chess" or "they're from Australia". What you're doing is beneficial for the child and someone who judges talking normally to a child is not really worth worrying about judgement from.

rainbowstardrops · 31/05/2025 11:01

As others have said, maybe you were talking a bit too loudly but it’s good that your child is interested and that you can answer their questions - as long as it’s age appropriate language that the child will understand.
The other people were mean and probably prefer to leave their kids to run wild while they have their noses in their phones!

MumChp · 31/05/2025 11:01

JLou08 · 31/05/2025 10:56

No, it's not performance parenting. You're just encountering people who can't be arsed to parent and educate their own child, they criticise the parents who engage with children to feel better about themselves.

I educate my three children all the time. Other people around never realise. I can be done without the touch of 'see my good parenting'.

Barney16 · 31/05/2025 11:01

Flashback to my mum taking my brother and I around cathedrals, and we went to loads, loudly reading out the guide book and then asking questions to check we had been listening. Strangely I know a huge amount about flying buttresses.

BoredZelda · 31/05/2025 11:01

Sagepage · 31/05/2025 10:46

Really? Talking loudly enough for everyone within a couple of metres to hear you is loud.

What? In my open plan office I can hear colleagues when they talk to me, in their normal voice. They aren’t loud. If I’m in my garden, I can hear people talking next door. If you can’t hear someone talking two metres away, get your hearing tested.

Borgonzola · 31/05/2025 11:00

Christ. This whole performance parenting snark just seems like another stick to beat mothers with, to be honest. I don’t think I’m as descriptive as you are but if my 3yo asks me a question I tend to answer in a similar fashion as I like talking to her and she also tends to come out with hilarious insights of her own. I also could not give a shit who is listening

I say you carry on like that as you please and you’ll have an interesting child

WeAllHaveWings · 31/05/2025 11:00

Nothing wrong with the conversation with an interested child, the key part is the volume you say it at. You must be loud, perhaps without realising, if people walking past are picking up your full conversations so clearly. Turn the volume down no one else needs a lesson.

DragonRunor · 31/05/2025 11:00

Taking the basic assumption that you are behaving appropriately in a public place; talk to your child in exactly the way that you prefer/works for both of you. Some children like to be told more detail, some children like to learn by watching, some children learn by physically engaging and don’t enjoy being told facts……Ignore anyone who’s implying that your way is bad just because it isn’t what they would do

inamarina · 31/05/2025 10:59

wandawaves · 31/05/2025 10:19

😂

Just out of curiosity, what were you expecting your 4 year old to say about the location of Australia??? It's in the Southern Hemisphere mummy? It's between the Indian and Pacific oceans? It's between latitudes 9° and 44° south, and longitudes 112° and 154° east, remember mummy?

I’ve noticed that one too. How would a four-year-old explain where Australia was?
As for the chess example, I’d say the explanation was too detailed, given that all the child initially did was approach a chess table (presumably without any pieces on it?) So explaining how chess works in theory to a four-year-old seems a bit over the top.
I’m also surprised that the women who were just walking past were able to hear the entire longwinded explanation.

ExpressCheckout · 31/05/2025 10:58

It's fine, OP, as long as you follow this up with gooseberry and cinnamon yoghurt.

SidekickSylvia · 31/05/2025 10:57

I think it's lovely when parents explain things properly, and at 4 they take everything in. However, some people inexplicably speak much louder and higher pitched to children, than other adults. A couple of my friends do it- it's baffling.

JLou08 · 31/05/2025 10:56

No, it's not performance parenting. You're just encountering people who can't be arsed to parent and educate their own child, they criticise the parents who engage with children to feel better about themselves.

MyDarlingWhatIfYouFly · 31/05/2025 10:54

wandawaves · 31/05/2025 10:19

😂

Just out of curiosity, what were you expecting your 4 year old to say about the location of Australia??? It's in the Southern Hemisphere mummy? It's between the Indian and Pacific oceans? It's between latitudes 9° and 44° south, and longitudes 112° and 154° east, remember mummy?

I’m sure she was expecting her to say “it’s on the other side of the world”

Everydayimhuffling · 31/05/2025 10:53

Sounds fine to me. The (correct!) answer to "where is Australia?" From my own 4 year old would probably have been "where Bluey lives". I wonder if that would have changed the perception of the other couple. I love answering the endless "why?" questions! Except at bedtime...

Toddlerteaplease · 31/05/2025 10:52

Renabrook · 31/05/2025 10:13

Did they answer in Latin or Swahili? That is the question

🤣🤣🤣

EleanorReally · 31/05/2025 10:52

a musician or music teacher, i forget what exactly, came to our toddler group and did really over the top singing along with the nursery songs.
it was cringe making
but no one laughed.
she did ruin the song imo

Lyla82 · 31/05/2025 10:51

Nope, it's called good parenting. You're engaging with your child and teaching them.

EleanorReally · 31/05/2025 10:51

dont give thought to the laughing women.
they were being mean girls

Lifeofryan · 31/05/2025 10:50

ObstreperousCushion · 31/05/2025 10:46

I don’t see anything wrong with turning everyday interactions into learning opportunities. Learning isn’t just for school.

So it sounds fine to me, unless you were either very loud or your DC was clearly not interested. If you’ve got a bright little thing who’s curious and has a decent attention span for her age, you shouldn’t avoid teaching her stuff just because other people might judge.

edited for typo

Edited

This^. As long as OP does this quietly and not to show off to those around her, how clever both herself and her dd are. Also, would a 4 year old know what "capture" means? Perhaps OP has already explained that word to her dd in a previous lesson , who knows

isawrainbowbridge · 31/05/2025 10:48

You might want to lower your voice a bit.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 31/05/2025 10:48

I’d only call it ‘performance parenting’ if it’s done loudly enough for me to hear, and in that manner that seems intended to impress anyone nearby. And there is a certain PP manner of delivery - so it seems to me, anyway.

MrsSunshine2b · 31/05/2025 10:48

I'd never heard of performance parenting before MN. My husband and I are both former teachers and believe anything can be a learning experience. If I see an opportunity to get DD thinking, whether it's finding letters or words on a menu or recognising animals on wallpaper, I'll take it.

If other parents find that annoying, that's their problem. When your DD is drawing on her general knowledge about Australian birds to write a personal statement for a year studying abroad and their DS still thinks learning is uncool, you can laugh at them.

ObstreperousCushion · 31/05/2025 10:46

I don’t see anything wrong with turning everyday interactions into learning opportunities. Learning isn’t just for school.

So it sounds fine to me, unless you were either very loud or your DC was clearly not interested. If you’ve got a bright little thing who’s curious and has a decent attention span for her age, you shouldn’t avoid teaching her stuff just because other people might judge.

edited for typo

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