Is this what you call performance parenting?

No, Christ. The more we talk to our children and encourage their natural curiosity, the better.

Better than seeing children glued to phones because people cba to interact with them.

Talking about what you are getting in the supermarket to young children is standard advice given out by health visitors and speech and language therapists.

It might be that you were looking at them, while or after saying it, could have made you look like ‘oh I’m a super parent, check out Tarquinalia’s amazing knowledge’.
Had you not looked in their direction you might have a) not looked like you were looking for approval or b) even noticed any comments or eye rolling

I think the first may come across as a little pushy as chess isn’t the usual four year old game.

However, the second example is probably what I would have done. it’s good you’re interacting with your child and engaging their curious mind.

I find it totally bizarre that anyone would
think, from your description, that this is performative parenting. It’s not. It’s just parenting well.

Your child asked questions and you answered them and used them as learning opportunities in an engaging and natural manner. Thats gold standard. Imagine being petty enough to laugh at that?! It says SO MUCH more about them than it does about you OP.

I also find it pretty depressing that we are debating whether chatting to our children and asking them questions when out in public is acceptable parenting behaviour when I know as a teacher and school governor that large and increasing numbers of children are arriving at school barely able to speak.

At DD’s current primary having some kind of S&L issue is now almost becoming the norm, and I think this is much more of a pressing issue than parents discussing chess and Australia slightly too enthusiastically!

I think it's perfectly normal to talk to your children about animals at a zoo.

You’ve got a thirst for learning and it’s great that you encourage your child. I think that father’s attitude towards his own child is quite sad.

I used to explain everything to my children, get them to think about stuff, ask lots of questions, both in private, and when occasion demanded, also in public. I probably did have a loud voice, too. Still do. (Though not as loud as some people who talk on their phones in trains, urgh.)

I guess I was one of those 'performative parents'.

Did people laugh at me? They probably did. But I don't care. My children grew up, got well-educated (at public expense, I might add, though I helped finance their undergrad living expenses), did lots of postgrad degrees, charity work, travelled the world, partnered with like-minded decent people, had kids of their own, advanced in fulfilling careers ...

Now, I'm happy to say, they bring their own children up much as they were brought up - sometimes performatively. They don't care if people laugh, either; they have personal knowledge of the advantages of parental engagement like that for children.

I'm now a performative grandparent. Laugh at me all you like. Then piss off, you stupid ignorant chavs.

She was interested and so were you, it doesn't sound like you performed it and the other woman overheard as close by. I like hearing curious people talking together, particularly if it includes children. Performance parenting is more like an adult acting like a teacher getting the attention of a class rather than a small group talking together.

If your DC enjoys it who cares what other people call it? I have a relatively loud voice (since moving to the UK I have tried to lower my voice levels but often fail). I often talk to my children in a similar way. For me this is answering their question and helping them to make links bergen different pieces of information. Yes not everything needs to be a learning opportunity, but it is Fine and I would say shouls be encouraged that many are.

Just ignore them. Who cares what they think anyway? Nothing wrong with conversing with your children and answering their questions. Better than sticking a tablet in their face all the time.

The simple answer is “the other side of the world”.

Ask yourself if you do the same at home. Do you explain how a particular vegetable you are preparing grows? Or even why she's wearing cotton pyjamas not made by Uighurs in China.
If you do, you're not performative. Would be bloody tiring though, both for her and you.

@NotSoSlimShadee no, it’s not performance parenting. To me it’s engaged and in the moment parenting. Answering your child’s Q and where appropriate linking it to other subjects they may have been taught so it sort of reinforces that previous teaching. Kids enjoy receiving attention from their parents and even if they only take in 10% of of what their parent tells them it’s still more than they previously had. I think it also encourages kids to be curious and be confident to ask Qs which I think is a useful life skill to have from the outset.

Regardless of whether you’re loud or not, the reactions you mention receiving from other parents just reveals them as being immature and probably made insecure by witnessing your parenting style. I disagree with PP saying they reacted like that because you were loud - nope, if they were loud a mature person would just ignore and walk on by. Is it really that offensive to hear a parent talking to their child? Within a few seconds they’d have been out of earshot. The fact they some of them chose to look directly at you whilst eye rolling says more about them than you. I don’t have kids but if I did, I wouldn’t give a flying feck if I’m loud or not to others I’d keep being in the moment and carrying on as you are. Sounds like you’re a great engaged mom ♥️

When I’m answering my DC’s questions (in public) I don’t notice other people’s reactions.
If you are engaged with your child I don’t know how you would pick up on all these people smirking or making comments? Unless you are looking around to see who is listening in whilst you explain things and ask your child questions? That in itself is performative.

Otherwise I wouldn’t worry about other people. MN is also a weird place where people are always accused of putting too much pressure on their DC if they have even basic expectations of them. I had my arse handed to me on another thread because I said I thought my 12 year old should know the name of the prime minister.

It literally doesn’t matter what other people think and if they think it’s performative. It’s better a performative partner than one glued to their phone. When my mum takes them out she’s pretty bad for “performative parenting” (well grand parenting) and it can be a little cringe, but she raised 6 kids who all came out pretty successful despite very limited resources so maybe there’s something in it. Also my kids love it because they always come back and say “granny taught me XYZ” and they retain a lot of it.

I don't think so, it's just standard parenting stuff isn't it? I sometimes over explain stuff to my kids and realise I've lost them halfway through but it's an annoying trait of mine, not something I do for the benefit of others.

I would also likely ask them what lived in Australia although probably not ask where the location is. It's not a test, it's not done to show what an amazing child mine is (at 4 I would expect them to know that kangaroos lived in Australia) it's just conversation.

To me performance parenting is asking non child friendly questions like algebra to a 4 year old so that you can be smug about them knowing such complicated things but doing it in such a way that it is clearly for the benefit of others. So really loud, looking around to see if anybody else has noticed etc. There may well be a 4 year old good at algebra so it's perfectly acceptable to talk about it in a normal volume like you would discuss what was for dinner that night which isn't performance parenting.

Yes. They’ve been playing capture the flag since nursery.

The conversations sound over the top for a 4 year old....especially as you were obviously looking around that you seen the other parents reactions

I think both fine but just speak quietly

I was in a bookshop cafe with my granddaughter, about 6 or 7, I'd bought her a Paddington book as she had just caught on to reading, She asked me suddenly, Does a letter q always have a u after it? I talked about how a lot of words in English come from other languages, like bungalow, and there are some words that do have a q with no u that have come from other languages such a niqab which some Muslim women wear. I also showed her qwerty on the phone, a woman on the next table, they were very close together, said Phew, I'm glad no-one asked me that! I wondered if I was guilt of performance grandparenting but thought all I'd done was address her question. She still asks awkward questions, years later!

I walked into a performance recently in Lidl. Went in to get a few things. There are often young children with families but on this occasion a mum was loudly performing picking up washing up liquid, planning a meal etc at her 2 young DCs (not with them). They were props. She was watching people around could she see how perfect they were? Should she break out into a full song and dance?
Well no, surprisingly her aisle was quiet as people weren't there for the parenting show. I diverted to the end and went in reverse.

I suspect that DP and I are guilty of what MN would describe as ‘performance parenting’. We know stuff and love learning ourselves, we like imparting knowledge to DD (7) and we go to lots of places that facilitate us doing this. As a result DD is very articulate, engaged and curious about the world, asks lots of questions and is doing brilliantly at school. We’re not OTT or deliberately loud about it, but in any case I don’t really care if random bystanders find us irritating or pretentious - our conversations are completely harmless and way more productive than the aggressive barking of instructions, swearing at or full on ignoring of DC (often while glued to a screen) that we frequently encounter from other parents when we’re out and about.

Also re the ‘special performance parenting voice’ I suspect I use this and that many of those doing likewise are teachers like me. You do tend to adopt a certain tone with younger DC to engage them, and it can become a bit of a default setting. My SIL (a primary Deputy Head and Early Years specialist) does exactly the same with DD.

I think that’s all fine & it’s a shame more parents don’t actually teach their children general knowledge. It’s the type of things we would have done but I didn’t realise it was OTT. My kids now have better general knowledge than I do on some things. Maybe you were being loud if they could hear what you were saying?
I think it might also depend on the area you were in. For some people that would be normal & for other people it would sound like you were being OTT. For example if you were in a posh part of London it would probably be fine.