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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Is this what you call performance parenting?

389 replies

NotSoSlimShadee · 31/05/2025 10:09

At the park with DD (4). She runs over to the chess table. I say “That’s a chess table, if I buy some pieces would you like to learn how to play?” She said “what is it about?” So I said “it’s about capturing all the other players pieces but you have all different pieces that work in different ways - so for example you have Pawns which are small pieces and can only move one square but you also have more powerful pieces that can move lots of squares”. At this point two women walk past, roll their eyes at each other and start laughing (whilst looking at us).

A bit later on we’re in the bird enclosure and DD asks about one of the birds, I say “they live in Australia, can you remember what else lives in Australia?” She says “kangaroos!” So I said “yep! And can you remember where Australia is?”

At this point a young couple with a little boy walk behind us laughing and the bloke says “Henry, can you remember the square route of (random number, can’t remember). The woman falls about laughing.

Two such experiences in one trip. Am I looking like a performance parent?? All I’m trying to do is help DD learn in a non learning environment! I’m certainly not putting on a performance! Are we not even allowed to talk to our kids anymore?

OP posts:
DustlandFairytaleBeginning · 31/05/2025 12:44

@NotSoSlimShadee Oh I absolutely parent like this, when I have the energy. We do screens too (at home) I am by no means a perfect parent. Sometimes the kids love showing off what they know and really engage, sometimes I can feel their eyes glazing over. It's hard to know before I start. Overall though I think/ hope they appreciate the attention as a bonding thing, I am very close with both kids.

At nursery pick up the other day they made an off the cuff comment about my four year old being a very bright child who'd asked/ answered a lot of questions that day and I like to think all the effort we put into talking with them like this pays off! I've never noticed anyone judging me as a performance parent but I wouldn't be surprised if they have because we would absolutely have a conversation like this... Did the information about the birds have a shaded in map to show where Australia was? I could picture myself having the same question with a map there for them to point to 😂

GrouachMacbeth · 31/05/2025 12:42

"WAYNETTA, FACKING COME 'ERE OR YOU'LL GET FACKING THUMPED" sounds better does it?

NoSoapJustUseShowerGel · 31/05/2025 12:38

persoe · 31/05/2025 11:17

I used to explain everything to my children, get them to think about stuff, ask lots of questions, both in private, and when occasion demanded, also in public. I probably did have a loud voice, too. Still do. (Though not as loud as some people who talk on their phones in trains, urgh.)

I guess I was one of those 'performative parents'.

Did people laugh at me? They probably did. But I don't care. My children grew up, got well-educated (at public expense, I might add, though I helped finance their undergrad living expenses), did lots of postgrad degrees, charity work, travelled the world, partnered with like-minded decent people, had kids of their own, advanced in fulfilling careers ...

Now, I'm happy to say, they bring their own children up much as they were brought up - sometimes performatively. They don't care if people laugh, either; they have personal knowledge of the advantages of parental engagement like that for children.

I'm now a performative grandparent. Laugh at me all you like. Then piss off, you stupid ignorant chavs.

“ Laugh at me all you like. Then piss off, you stupid ignorant chavs.”

Oh dear, I guess you’re not quite as classy as you like to think.

persoe · 31/05/2025 12:37

justtaketheeffingpicture · 31/05/2025 12:09

And then spoils it all at the end with using a classist insult 🙄

Not about class - or, anyway, not intentionally.

I grew up on a council estate - my children, not. What insult could I have better used to express my disdain for those who belittle such an important part of parenting by ridiculing a mother engaging with a child in that way? Any suggestions, @justtaketheeffingpicture?

Brbreeze · 31/05/2025 12:37

I think you are fine and if anyone else is bothered by it they need to get a grip.

I talk to my children in public and didn’t realise how much animosity people (or mumsnetters) have towards people parenting in an audible way. The responses here and on the thread yesterday will make me more aware of judgement next time I’m parenting in public, normally I don’t give a shit about what other people think.

Brainstorm23 · 31/05/2025 12:36

wandawaves · 31/05/2025 10:19

😂

Just out of curiosity, what were you expecting your 4 year old to say about the location of Australia??? It's in the Southern Hemisphere mummy? It's between the Indian and Pacific oceans? It's between latitudes 9° and 44° south, and longitudes 112° and 154° east, remember mummy?

It really depends on the experience of the child. My daughter would know roughly where it because she has family in India and is obsessed with maps etc.

usedtobeaylis · 31/05/2025 12:36

Cantabulous · 31/05/2025 12:35

Well most people don’t seem to bother talking to their kids at all, they’re either ignoring them in favour of their phone, simpering at them ‘mate’ or screaming at them.

You’re doing fine.

This just isn't true at all.

Cantabulous · 31/05/2025 12:35

Well most people don’t seem to bother talking to their kids at all, they’re either ignoring them in favour of their phone, simpering at them ‘mate’ or screaming at them.

You’re doing fine.

IfYouDontBelieveIt · 31/05/2025 12:35

Lifeofryan · 31/05/2025 10:50

This^. As long as OP does this quietly and not to show off to those around her, how clever both herself and her dd are. Also, would a 4 year old know what "capture" means? Perhaps OP has already explained that word to her dd in a previous lesson , who knows

Edited

I would think many 4 year olds know what "capture" means. Mine was very into heroes and villains at that age, so capturing baddies was part of lots of games.

Hearing unfamiliar words in conversation surely helps broaden vocabulary too.

Cherrytree86 · 31/05/2025 12:34

MainBain · 31/05/2025 11:16

If your DC enjoys it who cares what other people call it? I have a relatively loud voice (since moving to the UK I have tried to lower my voice levels but often fail). I often talk to my children in a similar way. For me this is answering their question and helping them to make links bergen different pieces of information. Yes not everything needs to be a learning opportunity, but it is Fine and I would say shouls be encouraged that many are.

@MainBain

just speak more quietly? Providing you don’t have issues with your hearing or anything like that it’s perfectly possible and is the polite thing to do.

Cherrytree86 · 31/05/2025 12:33

justtaketheeffingpicture · 31/05/2025 11:32

Why are you so aware of other people and not actively absorbed by your child?

@justtaketheeffingpicture

who is? Surely it’s dangerous to be so absorbed by children you’re unaware of your surroundings?

Brainstorm23 · 31/05/2025 12:32

I'm with you and others. Children are intelligent so there's no point talking to them like they are idiots. My daughter is 7 and I've always talked to her like she's a mini-adult. If she asks a question and I don't know the answer we look it up. I don't care if other people see it as "performance parenting". She's my child and I'll parent her the way I think I'd right. It does no harm to anybody.

When she was 4 her teacher was talking to her about the beach and mentioned tides and she was able to pipe and and explain how they worked as we'd been to the beach and she'd asked me. That's being curious about the world. Absolutely to be encouraged.

Viviennemary · 31/05/2025 12:31

Yes. I'm afraid I would eyeroll too if you were trying to explain chess to a 4 year old in a loud. Oice,,

Cherrytree86 · 31/05/2025 12:30

Yes. YABU OP. Maybe try lowering your voice.

roundtable · 31/05/2025 12:29

It's not the content of the conversations mainly it's the volume and/or making themselves centre stage. As if anyone was speaking quietly/approriate conversational volume no one would know. Plus its not just parents that do it. Just a personalty type.

Just had a class ruined by a few people having incredibly loud conversations/monologuing the way through it, plonking themselves in the middle and spreading out without any awareness (or maybe care - who knows) so that the rest of the class had to go around the edge. It meant conversations amongst everyone was muted when it's usually a chatty, friendly class.

Maybe just work on lowering your volume op. Nothing wrong with chatting with your child. I hope you had a lovely time together.

Funnywonder · 31/05/2025 12:28

I agree with other posters that the volume of your voice is what makes the difference. There’s nothing wrong with explaining things to your child or testing their knowledge, but it becomes a ‘performance’ when passers by are involuntarily drawn in as your audience. I always had these wee chats and interactions with my DC when they were younger - discreetly though. DS1 loved it. DS2 not so much. I remember him telling me I was being ‘cringe’. I of course pointed out that the word he was looking for was ‘cringeworthy’, which earned me an extra eye roll🤣🤣

usedtobeaylis · 31/05/2025 12:28

If you're turning everything into a lesson then maybe. If you're just trying to engage with your child's curiosity then no.

Offering to buy a chess set and teach her the first time she's ever shown the remotest interest in a chess table seems overkill to me but not performance parenting. I understand sometimes there might be a bit of self-inflicted pressure to encourage anything they show the merest interest in.

yikesnotagain · 31/05/2025 12:26

Well done OP for bothering to engage with your child. Ignore the eye rolls, some people are dicks.

NewShoesForSpring · 31/05/2025 12:25

MumChp · 31/05/2025 12:17

Thing is you could have done all these things and your child could be average at 18 months. It's not always about the parents.

Edited

But the conversation with the retired professor was interesting because she said there was a marked difference in speech development between young children whose parents / caregivers talked a lot to them & read to them and those who didn't. And it was the one thing she'd always recommended when she was treating young children. But they earlier it starts the more beneficial to the child's development of language.

persoe · 31/05/2025 12:25

HoorayHarry88 · 31/05/2025 12:04

Doesn't this just demonstrate the point though? You feel the need to tell everybody how wonderful your children are and therefore what a wonderful parent you are!

No. You miss the point, which is as follows: All children are wonderful and have the capacity to be wonderful as adults. Some, though, are stymied by parents who don't talk to them and interact sufficiently. Such children, losing their natural (and wonderful) curiosity and engagement with the world, fail to fulfil their potential.

Talk to your children. Encourage their curiosity. Don't worry about what others think. Don't worry about being too loud (unless you're talking on your phone on a train - worry then).

SharksSwimThroughMyVeinsNow · 31/05/2025 12:23

Depends how loud or how full of yourself that you said it. But yeah my vote is you were performance parenting for the amusement of others.

BoredZelda · 31/05/2025 12:21

justtaketheeffingpicture · 31/05/2025 11:58

It's the looking around and trying to sweep others into your moment of joy that seems to happen on occasions. No one cares. We've all had children and really are not interested in yours. 😂

You care enough to notice, apparently.

NewShoesForSpring · 31/05/2025 12:21

MumChp · 31/05/2025 12:17

Thing is you could have done all these things and your child could be average at 18 months. It's not always about the parents.

Edited

Absolutely! We had no way of knowing what level of academic interest or achievement dd would go on to have & we were not engaging with her for that sole purpose.

She was curious & alert to things around her & we responded to her curiosity. Plus we just involved her in our activities so she was in galleries & at events etc

MumChp · 31/05/2025 12:17

NewShoesForSpring · 31/05/2025 12:11

The race to the bottom is so depressing!

Our dd is now a young adult & excelling in university. From birth we talked to her constantly. She was always with one of us & we just included her in everything day to day that we were doing

She spoke early & had an excellent vocabulary & still does.

We crossed paths in a gallery with an old lady who complimented dds speech when she was around 18mths old & told us she was a retired professor of peadratric speech therapy & that dd's speech & vocabulary were wonderful & in her opinion it was because we clearly spoke to her a lot & read to her etc. And that she could professionally tell the difference. She didn't know us & just stopped us as we were walking around

I can't believe there are posters here saying you don't have to bother as everyday isn't a school say. Or that they'd make the Henry joke if they'd heard the op. Why? Why would you belittle someone who is speaking to a toddler / tiny child?

I love children who are curious about the world. It's a joy. I'm less keen on kids who have no interest & are happy to pull wings off insects or legs off spiders (we encountered kids like this in dds primary school)

Anyway as a previous person said- when ops child is in university & the other people's children still think learning is uncool, the last laugh will be on them!

Keep going op & ignore them!

Edited

Thing is you could have done all these things and your child could be average at 18 months. It's not always about the parents.

EdithBond · 31/05/2025 12:15

justtaketheeffingpicture · 31/05/2025 12:09

And then spoils it all at the end with using a classist insult 🙄

Indeed. IMHO an important aim of education should be learning to treat others with respect.

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