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Original poster

Ex disputing child maintenance. Both barrels?

83 replies

Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:09

I’m wondering if IIWBU to go nuclear on my ex who’s kicking up a fuss over having to pay maintenance.

backstory:
together 15 years, financially linked. Split last year, sold house Jan, house selling taking an absolute age due to solicitors.
ive left family home with DC due to his refusal to. Now living in an (amazing) rental, he refused to help with the move until I read him the riot act after weeks of struggling alone (with DC) to furnish and decorate the property. He then moved some bits of furniture to our new place for us. That’s as far as his help has gone.

due to a number of reasons, I’m struggling financially for the first time in my life. This is of course nothing to do with maintenance as that is DC money. But as I’m financially linked in joint credit agreements with ex, I’m having to still pay him money each month. As I now have my own place that I’m trying to get back on my feet with, naturally, I can’t fucking manage both at this time. I’m self employed but due to the stress of the last 8 months or so work has been on the back burner and I’m bringing in much less than usual. I’m certain this will change again, but due to the house sale not yet completing I haven’t had a “reset” financially yet and I’m chasing my tail.

now for the maintenance,

Ex works shifts so currently having DC 3 nights, then I have 4 nights then repeat. He is a high earner, outgoings are high, but still. Could be less if he’d just go and stay with his parents (which is what he’s doing when the house completes until he finds somewhere new). Anyway, he is refusing to pay maintenance currently, has dropped hints for months that he’s not happy about it. I’ve told him the govt calculation using the online tool to which he’s said it’s “a load of shit, not fair, pathetic, and ridiculous” as he has DC 3 nights and takes DC on days out during that time and buys things like food. To which I say oh fucking well that’s how it works. He’s tried to ask me if he can not pay monthly maintenance, but instead pay the annual school fees (private school) to which I’ve said no I’d like to continue to go 50/50.

weve had a few massive arguments over it and I’m currently considering just putting in a claim. He’s said this would be pathetic and spiteful as a fee gets taken so it’s less for DC. He thinks he’s been utterly shafted, if anybody has been shafted financially it’s me! I wanted to maintain a good relationship with him, and if I was in his position I’d never see him struggle, but he’s flat out refused to help in any way. Even down to fitting a shelf in DC room, he’s washed his hands of any physical mental or financial help and is basically saying “whelp. Employ someone to do it”. Not the dynamic anybody predicted, my family are shocked as it’s so out of character for him, some that live out of town have even said they don’t believe me that he’s saying any of this, because it’s that out of character. I have lots of WhatsApp’s saying otherwise.

there may be details I’ve missed out. I’m just so pissed off!

OP posts:
AirborneElephant · 30/05/2025 21:55

Stop letting him walk all over you. Stop paying his debts. Don’t allow him to deduct his debts from your equity. Put in a CMS claim. He’s shown you who he really is, not show him how strong you can be.

tinygingermum · 30/05/2025 21:53

You wouldn’t be unreasonable to claim maintenance, but you are being unreasonable thinking here should be helping with moving or putting up a shelf. You are 2 separate households now and not a couple.

BookArt55 · 30/05/2025 21:53

Go to CMS, take his power away. And it doesn't cost anything initially he should pay you directly. If he misses a payment you report it and then CMS may or may not decide to collect it directly from his and it costs then.

I would then be paying the mortgage, technically you could charge him occupational rent as 50% of the rental value. However hard to actually get. But you have had to leave the jointly owned home. Only problem. With stopping to pay your 50% of the mortgage is if he doesnt pay then your credit is affected also.

I would then be paying tbe debts in his name. He's made this about money and putting himself first. He is there thinking about you or your child

Original poster
Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:49

CombatBarbie · 30/05/2025 21:45

Are they in his or your name? Like i said my ex stopped paying everything that was joint/marital Mortgage, credit cards etc. And none of the companies I spoke to amwere arsed, they just want their money.

Show quote history

Everything is in his name. I keep telling him that if I wanted to, ultimately I could leave him with all the debt but I wouldn’t morally do that. He seems to think that I couldn’t/wouldn’t do that.

the more I think about it I should’ve threatened it long ago. The split of the equity is also in his favour, deducting “my debts” (in his name) before the split which I’ve told him wouldn’t pass in the eyes of the law. He’s relying on me not going nuclear

OP posts:
CombatBarbie · 30/05/2025 21:45

Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:17

It’s more the car finance and a loan that I’m paying him for rather than bills.

honestly I cannot believe who he has turned out to be. Soooo cliche but the bitterness is on another level. He’s spent plenty of time cozying up with my family saying how hard it is for him and how he’d do anything to help DC, then he’s refusing any sort of help to me directly. KNOWING my family have thought the sun shines out of his arse for the last 15 years anyway so they cannot possibly believe sweet little ex DP would behave like this

Are they in his or your name? Like i said my ex stopped paying everything that was joint/marital Mortgage, credit cards etc. And none of the companies I spoke to amwere arsed, they just want their money.

Original poster
Tiredbut · 30/05/2025 21:17

It’s more the car finance and a loan that I’m paying him for rather than bills.

honestly I cannot believe who he has turned out to be. Soooo cliche but the bitterness is on another level. He’s spent plenty of time cozying up with my family saying how hard it is for him and how he’d do anything to help DC, then he’s refusing any sort of help to me directly. KNOWING my family have thought the sun shines out of his arse for the last 15 years anyway so they cannot possibly believe sweet little ex DP would behave like this

OP posts:
DorothyStorm · 30/05/2025 21:12

CombatBarbie · 30/05/2025 21:12

My ex stopped paying his share of joint bills/mortgage when he moved out, apparently on advice of his solicitor. Why don't you do the same?

Amd go direct to CMS , stop waiting for him to be a decent person.

This.

CombatBarbie · 30/05/2025 21:12

My ex stopped paying his share of joint bills/mortgage when he moved out, apparently on advice of his solicitor. Why don't you do the same?

Amd go direct to CMS , stop waiting for him to be a decent person.