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Original poster

Adult son and husband don’t get on

37 replies

Mumstruggles · 30/05/2025 20:37

My 23 year old son and his dad (my husband) do not get on and it’s just getting worse. My son still lives at home with us and can be challenging at times as he is autistic, opinionated and grumpy…..in fact, he acts way beyond his years. However he is hard working, contributes to the house and has always been well behaved. But him and my husband constantly butt heads! My husband always thinks he’s right and so does my son! My son has developed a real attitude towards him and it is very obvious that he doesn’t like him! My husband also seems to go out of his way to wind him up and accuses me of pussy footing around him. But he’s autistic and likes things a certain way, and I don’t see any need to upset him. But my husband says that our son needs to learn that that’s not how the world works and that me ‘middle coddling’ him is making it worse! Tonight things came to a head and I told them both together that their attitude towards each other was making me feel very unhappy and uncomfortable. Son said that dad needs to stop winding him up and dad didn’t like the way that son spoke to him. Once son had left the room, dad said if it continued for much longer he would be asking him to leave home! At which point I lost the plot and said over my dead body! Husband then said that he would leave instead of son!!!!! I don’t think he meant that part for one minute but now I feel sick with the escalation! Son says dad is unreasonable and dad says the same about son!!!

OP posts:
Tagyoureit · 30/05/2025 21:26

Tell them both to shut the fuck up and stop acting like children! Loudly!

pikkumyy77 · 30/05/2025 21:23

They both sound irritating as hell but there us no way I would encourage the conflict the way you do and side with the child against your husband. Your adult child should be encouraged to live independently because this is the only way he will fully launch, make friends, become independent. Its idd to be issuing ultimatums to your own husband with a view to discouraging your ds from leaving and achieving independence. Try being less reactive and more generous to your dh.

Helpmeplease2025 · 30/05/2025 21:23

Sounds like your son is getting to rule the roost. Does he not have any plans to move out? Time to spread his wings, as others have said.

Crowfinch · 30/05/2025 21:21

If they're both autistic and son is 23, then I'd be suggesting son maybe spreads his wings.

I didn't get on with my dad from about 15. We're very alike, which I appreciate now. Kids moving out when they grow up is the norm, surely? Ds is autistic. If he and dh butt heads as ds enters his late teens, I can't see me asking dh to move out! Ds is already pretty clear he wants to live by himself somewhere.

Sherararara · 30/05/2025 21:12

BadgersSuitcase · 30/05/2025 20:58

Well it would be my husband leaving the house in this situation tbh. Your son may be an adult now but he is autistic and with that, can come certain issues.

if your husband is unable to accommodate your son’s disability then tell him he’s free to find somewhere else to live

Or, the husband might have a point and it’s time to let the son branch out on his own.
Oh and it’s the husbands home as much as hers. So no he wouldn’t be leaving because she has no right to kick him out.

Sherararara · 30/05/2025 21:10

Assuming he’s capable of looking after himself then it sounds like he needs to move out. And you need to let him go. There’s a reason they butt heads. It’s natures way of telling you it’s time for him to forge his own path.

BadgersSuitcase · 30/05/2025 20:58

Well it would be my husband leaving the house in this situation tbh. Your son may be an adult now but he is autistic and with that, can come certain issues.

if your husband is unable to accommodate your son’s disability then tell him he’s free to find somewhere else to live

Bushmillsbabe · 30/05/2025 20:57

Do you have other children? What is their relationship with their Dad like?
Is Dad also autistic - you say they are very similar.
Is their a plan for your son to move out at some point?

TomatoSandwiches · 30/05/2025 20:49

Is his father also autistic? They're unlikely to get on if they have different needs but if your son starts making moves to live independently ( is he capable ) then they may find their relationship improves once he leaves.

Reversetail · 30/05/2025 20:46

It sounds like your son could live independently, isn’t it something you could all consider when things are calmer? Why isn’t your husband able to take a step back and consider how he responds?

DontTouchRoach · 30/05/2025 20:46

If they don’t get on, they don’t get on. They sound quite similar. There’s nothing you can do to force them to get along. To be honest they need to stay out of each other’s way.

Your son is at an age where I’d say he’s probably outstayed his welcome and should be living in his own place.

LogicalBlodge · 30/05/2025 20:40

This sounds very much a case of like father like son, but neither of them can really see it. I don't have any advice but appreciate how frustrating that must be.

What's your sons plan long term? Is it a time limited situation?

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