Adult son and husband don’t get on

High chance that your husband is Autistic. It's highly heritable.

When you say over my dead body I see why there could be disharmony. Your son wants autonomy, yet your husband is used to being the top dog. He sees you're possibly over compensating sometimes. You're probably all right in your view points.

Maybe you should support your son with independent living? He could live close by, you can support as best you can but this would be good for him potentially. It will also likely improve his relationship with his dad and make your life less stressful.

Edit - I have an ND teen btw. Not always easy to encourage independence but with your help and any other help available, it could be a good move. Social housing list possibly? I'd enquire.

I'm with you OP, your DH is bu, no need to wind up his DS. He should be helping him not going out of his way to upset him. Some posters said that your DS should move out but can he manage on his own, is he earning enough to rent anywhere, anyway 23 is still very young and lots of 23 years old without any disability still live at home as renting is frightfully expensive.

Is DS capable of moving out with his diagnosis?
Some DC with ASD aren't capable of independent living at 23 or not disabled enough for residential care or supported living.
Did they ever have a close relationship?

Sounds like it's time for your chick to fly the nest.

When’s DS planning to move out and be independent?

I don’t get that, assuming they are both out at work all day, in the evenings they just avoid each other.
My DH watches YouTube in his office in the evening and I watch tv in the lounge. We eat together but could eat separately if needed.
Just tell them to stay apart.

It is normal when the parent is immature or has mistreated the other parent with their "know it all" attitude.

My Dbro and DF didn't get on either.

It most likely cannot be undone without a real effort

Sounds like your baby bird is ready to fly the nest.

He needs his own space to be the man of his own house.

@Fargo79 so do you then believe that if one person in the household has a diagnosis of autism, then that's the only thing that matters? Noone else's needs or emotions count or are relevant? EVERYTHING revolves around one person?

Mine butted heads with DH so much they moved out into supported housing at 18. I think it's time your DS left home.

Making sure that home is a safe space for an autistic person in a world that is hostile and does not accept or understand autistic people is not "molly coddling". This is the bare minimum a parent of an ND person should be doing. You cannot bully autism out of someone. Making their home a hostile environment by refusing to adapt to their needs does not stop them from having those needs. It just means that home is unhealthy for them.

If your husband's ableism has been a feature of his parenting style for the whole of your son's life, I'm not at all surprised that he dislikes him as an adult.

You are treating your son like he is a child because of his autism. Yet you say he acts beyond his years. Stop being over-protective, and lose the “over my dead body” drama. He’s 23 he needs to move out.

There are degrees of autistic traits. He is 23 and if he is capable if leaving home and setting up.on.his own then this could be the best solution.
One side of this problem is that you might find it hard to let him go because fitting round his needs has become a way of life and part of your reason for being. It is worth giving this some thought. What your OH sees as mollycoddling could be your way of hanging on to him when in fact he needs to branch out and make a life for himself.
At this stage of life it is sometimes hard to contemplate a big change where just you and OH are left in the family home.... a big shift in relationship.
The status quo is untenable. It is miserable for everyone. The basic problem is your son is past being at home.

How does your son contribute to the house? Does your husband?

You are babying a 23 year old man because he is autistic. There are plenty of us who live in our own houses, and have done since younger than 23. It's time your son moved out.

Your son has the right to be himself in his own home. It’s hard enough trying to navigate the world as an autistic person home should be a refuge from that. And why does your husband want to wind him up? Did he grow up with tough love and think it did him no harm? (Clearly it did) he can’t knock the autism out of him.

I wouldn’t stand for this if your husband can’t treat your son with respect he should leave.

I wonder if part of your husband's resentment is that he can't ever see a time when the son will not be living with you. If he's 23 and is showing no desire to ever leave home, I can see how that would be a problem. It sounds as if you would be fine with him living with you indefinitely, and your husband is not. That's evident in the way you said "over my dead body" to the idea of your son going, and your husband said that he will go instead, then.

FWIW, I don't think you're doing your son any favours by not encouraging his independence at age 23. I know the cost of living is high, but he should have a plan by now, even if the plan is to live with you for the next five years and save his ass off for a deposit. Or he should be looking to rent a room by the age of, say, 25, when he might earn better and have had time to save for a rental deposit and moving expenses.

I'm a very soft-hearted person, but I don't think I'd be happy with a 23-year-old at home who showed no motivation or plan to ever live independently.

Is this a repost with genders changed? I recall almost a word for word post like that but with adult DD instead of DS. Same ages, same situation. And then there was a dripfeed that DD was known to fight with her siblings and have them tiptoe around her too (DH and DD both had same horrible temper). The husband got called a bully etc cos he was a man. Just wondering if this is repost?

I’ve put unreasonable because your son is an adult man and should be looking to move out , you saying over my dead body ‘ shows your husband this situation has no end . Ultimatums never end well.

If he's 23 and able to live on his own, I can see why you both shouldn't have to bend to him in your home. It's hard for multiple adults to live together, especially when one or more are quite particular. I'd be inclined to working towards your son leaving home (not kicking him out).

At 21 my dad joined the merchant navy during WW 2. My mother emigrated at 21. I moved to a city where I knew no one at 21. My son went away to a distant city at 18. I think your 23 year old son needs to move out. Why are you so opposed to your 23 year old moving out? Will you still want him there when he is 30? If he doesn't get on with his father your son should move out. How is he going to find and keep a partner being a total mummy's boy?

Does your DH struggle with the concept of autism? Does he think it’s a choice and that all the autistic person has to do is respond a certain way? Was there a time when he was happy with how DS spoke to him?

Is your DS annoying him because of his autism? Or because he’s 23, has forgotten that it might be his home but it’s not his house, and is challenging his dad’s authority?

It doesn’t sound like either of them are going to back down and let the other rule the roost. So the options are that DS looks for alternative accommodation, with your support, or you and DH either separate or stay married but live separately, and you live with DS. The only other thing I can think of is you tell them that they’re both a pair of arseholes and you want nothing to do with either of them until they’ve learnt to get on, and you take yourself off for a while.

I agree there aren't enough examples. How far you bend allowing DS to have the things the way he likes? Is DH perhaps also autistic? How is DH winding him up? Two of my kids have ASD and they don't always get everything their own way just because they like it. We all have to live here and we all matter.

I think I need examples of what your son is particular about that your husband is saying should not be accommodated as it’s “molly coddling”

is husband deliberately winding him up or just not doing things how son likes?

i can’t tell if you are unreasonable otherwise.

im autistic and can function fine. Work, contribute to society, fit the NT world when not at home as this is how life is. But then when I’m home I need to be me. Masking at home because people in the house demand it is gruelling and too much for me to handle. My ex used to wind me up terrible and I was never sure if it was on purpose or not. But I understood he saw my quirks as unimportant and not worth the effort of accommodating, whereas for me accommodating his need for me to hide my quirks was costing me my sanity. I left because it was unworkable. But the final message was minor effort to make me comfortable on my own home wasn’t worth the effort for him, he didn’t love me specifically he just didn’t want to be alone.

Maybe the only solution will be for son to move out. or for husband to move out and you end up alone when son moves out at a later date. But be sure to tell your husband that regardless of how ridiculous your sons quirks are the fact he appears to wind something up intentionally will be communicating to son that dad doesn’t care. Does he want a relationship with your son in the years to come? Because that’s what this could cost him.

but then of course if your son is being controlling of all kinds of things and dictating more than is fair how things happen in the house I would change my advice/opinion and say you need to communicate this to son and explain it will ensure he always lives alone once he’s moved out and is costing him his relationship with his dad.

really need some examples.

This. And maybe your son needs to be moving out. I don't agree with PP that your husband needs to leave

Agree.. but posters on mn never seem to get this and seem to think they just get to say to their dh/dp, 'you need to move out (but of course keep paying for everything)' and they'll say "your demand is my command!!'