To ask if you were with your partner for 10+ years before having kids, how did things change after becoming parents?

This is how it played out for me too

It hasn’t gone that well tbh. Turns out DH is incredibly un self aware and all the things he said before kids about still travelling, becoming the primary carer were total bullshit. Of course now he says he was entitled to change his mind(!!!). So basically look at his behaviour and don’t listen much to what he says. Even then my DH has stopped acts of kindness to me the way he used to.

I think personality plays a big role as well. I actually like fun and kids. DH is an introvert with only so much social bandwidth. I think this makes it harder to maintain a marriage as all the bandwidth goes on the kids, unless you’ve got family support.

Dh and I have been married for 23 years and had dd after 10 of those. Like @TheBeesKnee i found it amplified everything and it took a while for us to hit a new rhythm. However now we're pretty equal in terms of working hours/house drudgery and free time it's a proper partnership. We both prioritise the same things but also support each other's goals. I'm looking forward to celebrating our silver anniversary in a couple of years!

Together for 12 years when we had our kids. That was 15 years ago. Stronger than ever now. Having babies is hard , I can't imagine doing that with someone who wasn't my best friend.

We were together nearly 9 years when our DS15 came along. In all honesty he's been a fantastic and devoted father. We've added 2 more DS and been together 24 years. He was always good at taking care of me when I was sick, and that carried through to the children. We still laugh together and try and spend time together when we can.

We've never had any family help, so it's just been our little family of 5. There have been many ups and downs but we have weathered the storms by coming together and being flexible. DH becoming a father has really made me appreciate the man he is, and has shown me another good side of him, as a protector. I didn't see that side before. I am very blessed.

In summary having children enhanced our relationship and I am really glad we did.

11 years together pre baby. Still together and kids are late teens. Where we went wrong was not talking in depth about how things would look once babies arrived...financial, shared labour, responsibilities. It is so important to set expectations before you get pregnant, and really discuss how things will look. Prior to kids we led fairly independent lives, happy together but having kids exposed that I am quite controlling and he is quite selfish...I took on the lions share when on mat leave but this stayed the same when I went back to work, causing resentment. He was probably equally resentful that I wanted things done "my way". It's worked out OK in the end but with hindsight we focused far too much on the cute baby idea when we should have spent way more time looking at the realistic impact to both of us and how we wanted things to be.

Same here, also 16 years married when DC arrived.

Crucially for me, I felt I'd been there, done that career wise and I'd had the opportunity to travel including accompanying DH to places he went for work. A visit to China where DH was a guest speaker on a development initiative. Having a child changed how we lived, but it was something we'd both longed for.

We have been together for 15 years and married for most of this time. We found ourselves facing lots of issues we never had has a couple. One major problem is our parenting styles. I had no idea before we had a baby that this would even be an issue. Turns out we are opposites in how we think we should raise a kid.

The previous poster who said they don’t go out anymore and their child is high-spirited, that’s us too. Movies and dinner will have to wait in our case until DC is a teen.

21 years here due to infertility. I was ambivalent about having DC anyway and I wasn't expecting to get pregnant, so DD was sort of unplanned.

We had a very solid marriage and still do. DD is nearly 25 now.

I found it hard to adjust to parenthood though - the lack of sleep, loss of freedom and spontaneity, then the double whammy of DD's health issues requiring several long stays at the children's hospital.

Always always always have a 'ducks in the row ' mindset as a woman.

Make sure you're married as you are so much more financially vulnerable after having a child.

We were together 11 years when we had our eldest but we'd been through 5 years of miscarriages and fertility issues by then. We'd run a business, suffered significant family bereavements, health issues and various barriers so we knew we could work together and that we responded to adversity by coming together rather than falling apart.

What I wasn't prepared for was how much experience I have/had with children being from a big family, lots of babysitting, nannying for cousins in holidays etc while he first held a baby when my nephew was born 10 years ago. Never have I seen him more practically useless. He struggles after our first who has health issues and later SEN, lots of hospital stays etc and the routine changes really knocked him sideways (origin of SEN genetically very likely from my lovely, almost definitely autistic husband)

However we're 18 years in now, 2 kids, can laugh at all the ridiculous indignities of parenting. Still love each other, definitely less sex but still sex. Less spontaneity with holidays and going out on a whim but thanks to my mil doing a few weekends a year we have tickets to 3 gigs this year and even eldest can now be babysat by a close trained family member.

I don't know that longevity in a relationship makes a huge difference but I know we were very used to each other and had seen each other in many scenarios before the babies. I love that man! He does the dishwasher every night, we do half the bedtimes and we both work so we're pretty even in terms of responsibility now.

We struggled more when no one slept and I was breastfeeding and he was the main breadwinner, it was just so foreign to not relate so well toe ach others days.

Together over 10 years before kids. We have had amazing times before kids but also amazing times after kids and I’d say it didn’t really change us. Our lives slotted around a baby really easily, massively helped by having a good sleeper. DH is incredibly hands on, pulls more than his weight, although travels a fair amount for work but I became a sahm. we’ve had loads of fun since having kids, yes it can be hard, and yes we’d love a weekend alone away but in general we have a great time. We are a really strong team and kind of see it like ‘us vs the kids’. Neither of us is perfect but we balance each other out very well.

Honestly apart from the usual having a baby stuff it's never really changed us. We'd seen each other at our highest and lowest moments anyway so we were in a way prepared if either of us struggled when DD was born. Now 6 years on and I think our relationship is still incredibly strong and I consider him my best friend. To add we are very good at communicating with each other. We don't sulk and don't fester with resentment. We say it how it is and move on quickly.

10 years between starting dating and having DC1. It was hard. Like others have said we were used to having quite busy independent lives with hobbies and friends and a lot of quiet time (both introverts). DC1 was a difficult baby, I had PND, DH struggled with certain things during the baby/toddler stage which also coincided with a stressful time at work and we went through a rough couple of years which was very hard. He was eventually diagnosed with autism.

We got through it. It wasn't easy but we did it. Had DC2. DH is a very hands on and involved Dad and very aware of how his autism affects him. I have worked on my mental health and am in a better place. Both of us freely admit we are very relieved to have left the toddler years behind and enjoy having older children much more.

This was me this time last year.

They are now four and two and life is immeasurably better. Hang on in there ❤️

It was hard because we were basically quite lazy. Our evening of choice was lounging around on the sofa, video games. We also liked going to the theater.

Since we've had dc that all had to stop..we haven't been out in ten years for a meal/theater etc. Because we don't have any family support. Our dc are high maintenance 'spirited' children and have been bad sleepers. So no more lounging!

It has taken us a long time to get used to life now and we often mourne the ability to just relax and sit back..but overall we are far more active now. I guess we grew up!

We were together for 12 years when we had DS. Things did change a lot and it was me that struggled with the loss of my old life, PND and a very traumatic birth. The first year was awful and I just didn't want to be here but he was incredible and did so much to support me and help me through it. The second year was better as I went back to work and found some routine and was able to go to the gym consistently to give myself something for me. DS is 4 in October and while things aren't perfect and we need to work on us as a couple (we often don't get time together on our own), we are happy and we have a good life and our son is just magical. My husband is an incredible dad and our son has a disability from birth but the way he looks at my son just fills me with pride for the both of them. I actually said to my sister last week I'm glad we didn't do it earlier in our relationship because we were able to travel a lot which none of our friend have done.

10 years here. Partner has always split chores and ever since I met him when he was 19 he’s had a strong sense of personal responsibility. So he’s made a great dad and continues to be a great husband.

But that first year was hard. He was very used to me being pragmatic and logical but PND and a baby who would not sleep knocked that out of me and I became an emotional wreck. He struggled with that, and we argued a lot more. But got through it and are now stronger than ever.

Just shy of 21 years! While obviously it helped that we were a very strong, established couple who’d weathered a lot together, I’ll be honest and say we both mourned for a while no longer being each other’s number one, and our relationship now being triangulated via a small new person. We did adjust, and we’re still happily married, and that small new person is now a wondrous teenager, but it took time.

15 years here. It helped that we knew each other well. Our previous division of tasks was not typical and that continued with children so I think our shared experience helped.
I had been raised without any significant male role models. No father or grandfather, two uncles, each with 4 children and rarely saw them. When our DC were 10 and 11 I bought them DS games and they had a game where you were given a three letter word and had to pick three words each starting with a letter in the original word. For example CAT might be cautious, agile, tail.
You had to be quick.
I had dad and wrote dark and dangerous.
i was shocked and horrified, it dawned on me that I was probable hell to co parent with.
i think our 15 earlier years were helpful.
Still together, 45 years this summer.

In summary having kids underlined that he would always put his career above everything. He’s always been great when home, but was never home enough - didn’t even see the kids in the week when they were small due to long long hours at work. My career burned out as a result.

We are still together but my resentment is huge.

He’s always been hardworking and fair minded so I didn’t expect this but it turns out he will share things equally around his career but the career is non negotiable.

I'm afraid I didn't find this to be the case. He changed so completely I really don't know how I could have foreseen it. He went from being a person who absolutely had looked after me when I was ill to a man who seemingly couldn't wait to leave the house under any pretext possible, including taking jobs that involved weeks of travel where previously he had worked 9-5. Tbh I think he just went off me once I was a mother.

Sorry just to be clear, my partner is brilliant, it's our life that's changed so drastically.

I think children amplify what's already there. If you do most of the cooking and cleaning and thinking then you will continue to when you have DC. If he takes care of you when you're ill, then he probably will when you're postpartum too.

Met my DH at 16 years of age … had our baby at aged 33. Was the best thing we ever did. Helps that we know each other inside and out. We were always unsure whether we wanted children, we had our baby and it is life changing. In a good way! Life is very different of course, our focus is now on our child predominantly but we always try and make time for each other.

He changed completely. He was the one who wanted children and he had been a very good partner up to then, did at least half the chores, took good care of our pets, good care of me. I was confident he would be a great father. We had been together since university.

After the baby was born he struggled to bond with her, started working away where he never had before, neglected me emotionally and told me he didn't find me attractive any more. Our marriage culminated in him having an affair a few years later and leaving me following a period of horrendous mental cruelty. I still can't believe what happened. We are no longer on speaking terms, although he does see our child and appears to be as good a father as he can be every other weekend. He didn't want regular 50/50 due to his work commitments.