To ask if you were with your partner for 10+ years before having kids, how did things change after becoming parents?

Together 10 years then got married, had a baby 3 years later, split up within 18 months. But I wouldn’t change a thing as DD is the best thing that happened to both of us and we co-parent well.

Something else to bear in mind is you tend to unconsciously fall into the patterns you grew up with. So if you both grew up, as we did, with mums who stayed at home and did nearly everything to do with the children, that's some pretty powerful conditioning to break out of. If you add to that those actual mums commenting on the situation...!

Oh and the most obvious thing. Only have a baby if you really, really want one and if he really, really wants one.

We were together for about 15 years, I was shocked how badly things have changed. I agree with people who say it's like a bomb exploding in your relationship. My advice would be to understand how difficult having a child is and how you will do things as a couple. The main thing being when your partner suddenly expects you to to everything (in my case before a child they had taken the lions share!). I think the main issue is we had a really easy, good life and didn't realise how much work a baby/child would be, we have no family support. It changed everything.

We had been together 9 years and both had children from previous relationships when I got pregnant with our eldest. Pregnancy wasn’t planned as like I said we both already had older children (preteen/early teen ages) and were very happy and settled with our set up. However, having our son was the best thing that ever happened to us and we then went on to have youngest son 18 months later. We’d had a nearly 10 year relationship so had had our ‘fun’ and I suppose honeymoon period. We were mid and late 30’s and I honestly feel like our boys came at the perfect time for us.

I know this isn’t the case for everyone, but just to add my ‘soppy’ tuppance worth 😂

Anyway, moral of the story is: have kids if you want to but never be a SAHM and make sure you are fully prepared to lose your current relationship because a) it will never be the same and b) he may turn out to be a completely different person.

And c) Only have them if your partner is fully on board. I know several women in RL and read countless posts on MN from women who have had to persuade their partners to have children, and invariably the dads are very hands off, still keep up with their time consuming hobbies and lads nights out and the mums do all the childcare, housework etc while often working full time.

And the dads say "well you were the one who wanted children" when challenged.

Having children should definitely be a heads over heart process. Don't let your hormones overrule your head.

we were together for 9 before kids and we did all our bucket list travelling and things we wanted to achieve- house, career path etc. I think when we had kids we didn’t feel like we missed out on our own lives so can dedicate a lot more to the kids without feeling that resentment.

also in 10years you really know if this person is parent material. No one drastically changes over night. No one. The signs are always there and people choose to ignore it.

We were together for 10 years before having kids. I think it helped, because we knew we got on and had a lot in common, and because we'd had some adventures, so didn't mind so much that life became Groundhog Day for a few years. It's still a shock - your life changes completely, your relationship does too, and there is far too often a rapid status shift when the woman (usually) stays home while the man goes back out into his old life. That was incredibly difficult for both of us and we both handled it very badly at first but sorted it out in the end and it was fine.

We were 8 years in. Those 8 years we were blissfully happy, rarely argued, just enjoyed date nights, loads of sex and travelling together. Since having ds things have been difficult, ds has additional needs and my health has declined too. Life is very stressful and hard, there’s also been external difficulties too. We argue quite a bit although we do still love each other and want to be together. But we are not what we were. Slightly depressing but it’s good to hear all sides.

I would say only have kids if you really, really want them tbh. Not leaning into it. I think it does help to have been with someone for some time as my dh and I had already faced some challenges such as moving internationally, illness in the family etc But having kids still changes the dynamic at least in the first few years. And I would argue life changes more for you as the mum than him as the dad.

Together 14 years before 1st DD was born at 30. Our life changed for the better we were ready to have children and financially stable so I could be a SAHM. We had 4 DC by 35 with twins in the middle.

It depends on how old you are now - 10 years together from 30-40 is not the same as 10 years together from 20-30. So many couples with kids in the latter group are divorced, probably because you’re more amenable in your 20’s and are still growing as people and then you hit your 40s and realise you don’t actually want the partner/life you have.

I was with exH for 10 years before kids (met in our teens). He wanted to put off having kids because he was worried I would love them more than I loved him (🚩 1). I really wanted kids before I hit my 30s so he reluctantly agreed. He was great at all the practical stuff, housework etc but our parenting styles were so so different and he wanted to discipline the kids so they were scared of him ( 🚩 2). He was friendly with female colleagues, would invite them round to see the kids (including their bathtime which was super weird), as if they were toys or pets to play with (🚩 3). Then he started spending more time with one of them in particular, including a day out with her and the kids while I was treated to a spa day (🚩 5). Turns out he was having an affair with her because he felt so neglected as I no longer put him on a pedestal - I filed for divorce when the kids were under 5. Turns out he’s a narcissist and only does nice things because he wants praise, attention and admiration. But we still co-parent well in terms of logistics so at least there’s that, even if he’s a nightmare whenever there’s anything subjective/emotive to deal with.

Anyway, moral of the story is: have kids if you want to but never be a SAHM and make sure you are fully prepared to lose your current relationship because a) it will never be the same and b) he may turn out to be a completely different person.

It certainly changes your whole entire life that’s for sure, it creates a lot of stress and change in the first few years. But I wouldn’t change it back now.

We were about ten years before ds, we got together at 24/25, for me I think it's meant we've a solid foundation as a couple and we've done lots of things together, travel etc so when DS came along and life changed completely it was ok because there was no resentment or feeling of missing out or the things we wished we'd done. It also meant we were both established and settled on career paths so there was no jostling between family life and career. We were also both on the same page around me returning to work, I wouldn't do well as a sahp I need the intellectual challenge by work gives me and DH is fully aware of that, so knew it was going to have to be a very equal parenting set up, I couldn't pull all of the weight and do my job. He put in his flex working request at the same time as me before I returned from mat leave.

Having said that we'd been pretty much best friends from the age of 11-24 especially teen years onward, so knew each other well including imperfections long before the idea of children was even a thing.

Together 10 years before our 2 dc. 14 years later we are now getting divorced. He couldn’t cope with that fact he wasn’t the main focus of my attention. Mental load, all housework, cooking, childcare on me, whilst he carried on with all his hobbies. Lots of resentment and I can’t believe what he turned into.

We'd been together 8.5 years when we had DC1, although unlike you OP we'd always planned to have kids.

It was a big change for us in many ways, because pre-kids we earned almost exactly the same (both high earners), but after DC1 was born we agreed I'd be a SAHM. In lots of ways this made life easier, basically because it's difficult to combine a family with two full-time jobs unless you have lots of help. I did struggle at times with the change in my identity, as previously my career was important to me, but at least I didn't have the resentment mentioned by some posters of doing more than my fair share at home and working too. DH respected my role as a SAHM and recognised my contribution to the household, otherwise it wouldn't have worked. However I do realise I took a risk, and I wouldn't necessarily advise another woman to do the same. We went on to have three DC and I went back to work when DC3 started school. I was lucky to find an interesting, fulfilling job even after many years out of the workplace, but I work fewer hours and earn a lot less than DH so I'm still the default parent - which is fine, I'm happy with that.

We've been together for 28 years now, still happy, kids are teens now. I think it was a positive thing that we'd been together a long time pre-kids and I believe it helped us through the tough times of sleep deprivation, toddler tantrums etc.

True. It's not necessarily either/or.

It was more the second for me, honestly. All right, I was mostly over regular clubbing and noisy bars you can't sit down in, although I still like to go dancing every once in a while, but I still love going to the theatre and travelling and achieving in my career and sex and city breaks, and hardly being able to turn over in bed without taking my personal tiny tyrant into account was fucking hard. I am not one of the people who was all "I'm ready to only do family stuff now".

There is absolutely no way of knowing how having children will affect your relationship. Having a rock solid partnership for a decade, sharing the same interests, household chores and outlook on life counts for nothing when you are sleep
deprived and the baby is actually there. You now have little to no time for interests, feel resentful of the chores you have to do while looking after a demanding baby/ being at work all day, and small and large decisions once they concern another human being who you are responsible for won’t automatically be unanimous, and therefore an added source for stress and potential disagreements. You cannot predict the parenting style of your partner once your baby appears and develops into a child, especially one they weren’t anticipating - personality, behaviour or health-wise. Nor can you predict how your partner will feel at the change in dynamics of your relationship, which would obviously be closer when it was just the two of you and neither had to share/compete for the other’s attention or affection.

When you have a child, rather than it necessarily bringing you closer (at least in the early years) it can be more a case of struggling to find and negotiating time to yourself - child and partner-free, as this is a rare commodity that ppl are aware of but cannot understand its impact until they experience it for themselves.

Many couples survive despite the challenges of the early stages and many don’t. For a lot of ppl, mainly women, it comes as a massive surprise and shock when their partner does not become the father they imagined or expected, and many men would argue that their partners changed unforeseeably once they became a mother. These are usually men who expect their lives to be more or less unaffected by parenthood, yet are surprised that their partners are too tired or pissed off for constant sex or to hear about the minutiae of their day when they take care of the majority of the childcare and household chores, and they both see each other in a different and more resentful light. Some men step up, some don’t. The difficult early years stage doesn’t last forever but the damage can if it’s not addressed. Also there are obviously other challenges beyond early years - finances, employment, health, teenagehood etc that are ongoing.

You cannot predict whether the strong team mentality of a childless couple will transfer to parenthood, it’s impossible to predict. Many women are completely blindsided by their partner having an affair when they believed they were happy, and the man blames it on stress, losing the partners attention, wanting to be seen as attractive etc - these were formerly ‘good’ men. It obv works both ways too and the woman can become more receptive to other ppl’s attention if she isn’t happy and feels resentment towards her partner for not pulling his weight, or just seeing her as a mother/nanny and not a desirable woman any more etc.

Parenthood definitely changes you - physically, mentally and emotionally if you’re a woman. The physical side is not focused on as much as it should be IMO. This can have a massive effect on women’s MH, how their partners see them and how they see themselves.

Believe it or not, I’m not trying to put you off, just make you aware that there is no guarantee either of you will be the same pol
you started off as, despite being together happily for 10 years. You know each other well but only as non-parents. Shit happens. So I guess you have to view it as whether you really, really want to be a parent - if you do above anything else and have a strong belief your relationship can go the distance - go for it, but be prepared that things MAY change significantly and your relationship won’t survive however long down the line (ie you may become a single or co-parent).

It is a massive decision that should never be made lightly and certainly should never be viewed and undertaken thinking that things will largely be the same throughout because they won’t, but that’s not to say it won’t work out for you.

Good luck with whatever decision you make!

I only know one couple who did this and they are divorcing now that the kids have just left home. They had been together 11 years and were too used to their life so was a huge shock for both.

If I could laminate @ChandrilanDiscoDroid's advice and stick it to Mumsnet, I would!

you can feel "been there done that, had my time", or you can really struggle with suddenly having your life owned by a tiny totally unreasonable tyrant.

It was a mixture of both for us TBH.

Together 10 years, bought and moved into a house from a flat, both in chosen careers etc. decided when I was about 5 month pregnant he didn’t want to be part of a family. He was actually having an affair, I think he didn’t want to not be the main priority in my life anymore 🤷🏻‍♀️I only found out about the affair when baby was a couple of weeks old. I left, house sold, he moved in with her then they spit a year later. Haven’t spoken to him for over 10 years now, DD is in her 20s and doesn’t speak to him either though did see him until she was about 15.

Well it's better than having a baby with someone you've known for five minutes, for sure. Hopefully - hopefully - you'll have a strong base of shared experience and joint problem-solving and resolving difficulties as a team.

But being together a long time and having lots of adult freedom and spontaneity before kids can go two ways: you can feel "been there done that, had my time", or you can really struggle with suddenly having your life owned by a tiny totally unreasonable tyrant. And it will absolutely magnify cracks and inequities in your marriage. If you do more of the domestic load before kids but it's fine because the domestic load of two FT working adults is really very small, that will create a MASSIVE inequity post birth. And if your partner has any secret sexist templates in his head about kids being Women's Stuff and women being Naturally Better at Things, biology and society is going to create a massive space for those ideas to play themselves out in practice even if he seemed like a totally modern man before you got up the duff. And some men just cannot deal with their needs not being the centre of the relationship emotionally any more.

You should definitely always keep your ducks neatly lined up. It is always, always a gamble, no matter how many years you've been together. Don't have more kids than you can manage on your own. Don't set your earning potential on fire if you can manage not to.

Your OP was essentially us too! Had been together 10+ years and felt like we were in a pretty comfortable groove. We weren't completely sure if we were ready for children but were getting to ages where we felt we should go for it sooner rather than later if we were going to.

Something I've really appreciated is there's a huge amount to learn and get your head around when you become a parent, but as we already knew each other so well we didn't have to throw learning big things about each other into the mix. Sure, it can definitely bring out surprises, but for me it's not been as significant as, say, when you first live with someone and really start to get to know them.

I have found you do need to be a bit careful that habits you might have had beforehand don't get too entrenched if they no longer work, however. Before kids I was always the early bird and DH would stay up later and then sleep in a bit. This was helpful in the newborn times where DH could watch the baby until the early hours whilst I got some sleep but we have had to meet in the middle a bit more with a toddler and DH has started getting up earlier.

All the best OP!

Most people i know met and had kids wothin 5-6 years
My friend had been with her husband over 15. He was 40 when they had kids and the change in lifestyles was something he struggled with. Quite BADLY.

She was desperate for a second- their child is very easy / delightful and he basically shed he'd leave of she ever got pregnant or had another baby.

It's a very odd dynamic in the household.