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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend should set her standards higher?

268 replies

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 19:52

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

OP posts:
ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/05/2025 22:56

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:51

Not directly but we chat about everything. I don’t bring it up every time I see her or anything. We were at a wedding last weekend and she said ‘if I got married I would…’ and I just thought ‘well if you want that, you need to find another man’.

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Maybe just don’t bring it up at all. It’s clearly bothering you, and I can understand you’re feeling like you’re watching her make a bit mistake, but ultimately she is an adult and it’s her mistake to make. Just talk about something else. She’ll end up resenting you if you keep going on about it. She also might end up feeling she can’t talk to you if it does end badly for her because she expect you to say “I told you so”.

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:51

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/05/2025 22:44

It’s clear that you would want these things, but that doesn’t mean she does. You’re projecting an awful lot of your own wants onto her here. Maybe she is making a mistake, but it’s entirely up to her to do so. I think you need to take a step back and stop telling your friend what’s good for her. Has she ever asked for your opinion on the subject?

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Not directly but we chat about everything. I don’t bring it up every time I see her or anything. We were at a wedding last weekend and she said ‘if I got married I would…’ and I just thought ‘well if you want that, you need to find another man’.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:49

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/05/2025 22:42

She was hoping that current man would see her in a relationship with someone else and realise what he’d lost and offer her a relationship with him.

Did she actually say this?

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Not those words but if we call nice man Tom and current man Ben she told Ben she had a date lined up with Tom, and did say she was hoping he’d ask her not to go on it. She did and it went well and they got together and ended things with Ben.

Ben text her once during the relationship to let her know something about a book she’d lent him and she said ‘I didn’t know what that was going to say when Ben’s name flashed up. I’m not sure what I’d have done if it had been to ask me back with more commitment’ or words to that effect.

I know people are saying I think I know her better than she knows herself but there is no doubt what she’d have done if it - she’d have went back to Ben in a heartbeat.

OP posts:
Rtato · 30/05/2025 22:48

Stop projecting, let her live her life. Not everyone wants what you want, others would think your life required an intervention, but you’re happy and that’s the main thing. Let her be happy too.

NattyTurtle59 · 30/05/2025 22:45

It sounds like the perfect relationship to me! Not everyone wants to commit, or to live with someone else. Let her live her life the way she wants to, it's nothing to do with you.

ThreePointOneFourOneFiveNine · 30/05/2025 22:44

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 21:39

I get that but surely you should want to do these things with a partner?

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It’s clear that you would want these things, but that doesn’t mean she does. You’re projecting an awful lot of your own wants onto her here. Maybe she is making a mistake, but it’s entirely up to her to do so. I think you need to take a step back and stop telling your friend what’s good for her. Has she ever asked for your opinion on the subject?

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:44

Dweetfidilove · 30/05/2025 22:38

It sounds like she has the set up that is perfect for her, but is wary of telling you to wind it in.

She's happy
Doesn't want children
Doesn't want him in her space midweek
Good relationship/great sex
She's self-sufficient and seems to have a good social network.
Has no problem finding other relationships (She's even dumping men)

Maybe she just doesn't want what you want, and that's fine.

Does she ever report to you that this relationship falls short, or are you the one always sharing your thoughts on how she should be conducting her life?

She’ll often say things like a few weeks ago we were in a new pub that’s opened with a beautiful view over a lake. She told me that she’d text him to say she’d found the perfect wedding venue and he’d replied saying ‘you’ll have to find someone to marry first’.

I feel a bit sorry for her over how excited she is for their holiday too. It’s as if he’s thrown her a crumb and she’s so grateful.

OP posts:
JustMeHello · 30/05/2025 22:42

If you keep bringing this up to her, telling her what she should be wanting, what she should be expecting, or that there's something wrong with her for not wanting what you want, I can't see this friendship ending well OP.

Either she'll get fed up with it and tell you to back off, or she'll gradually fade you out or cut you off. Or she'll doubt herself so much she'll insist on more from the bloke and either they break up, or they get married and it won't work because it's not actually what they want. And if that happens then she may remember how much you nagged.

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 30/05/2025 22:42

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:34

It does sound nice when you say it like that, but never being told that your partner loves you? Not having them with you when your parent dies? It’s nice when the going’s good but there is no support when it’s not.

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I would say that she could fall back on her friends if the worst comes to worst but as you seem obsessed with thinking you know what she wants more than she does, I'm not sure that would be for the best.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/05/2025 22:42

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:37

When she briefly got together with the nice man a few years ago she admitted to me that she broke it off with current man because nice man was interested in a proper committed relationship whilst current man wasn’t. She was hoping that current man would see her in a relationship with someone else and realise what he’d lost and offer her a relationship with him.

Show quote history

She was hoping that current man would see her in a relationship with someone else and realise what he’d lost and offer her a relationship with him.

Did she actually say this?

Dweetfidilove · 30/05/2025 22:38

It sounds like she has the set up that is perfect for her, but is wary of telling you to wind it in.

She's happy
Doesn't want children
Doesn't want him in her space midweek
Good relationship/great sex
She's self-sufficient and seems to have a good social network.
Has no problem finding other relationships (She's even dumping men)

Maybe she just doesn't want what you want, and that's fine.

Does she ever report to you that this relationship falls short, or are you the one always sharing your thoughts on how she should be conducting her life?

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:37

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/05/2025 22:32

Has she told you that’s what she wants? Or are you assuming because that’s what you’d want in her position and you can’t imagine anyone feeling differently?

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When she briefly got together with the nice man a few years ago she admitted to me that she broke it off with current man because nice man was interested in a proper committed relationship whilst current man wasn’t. She was hoping that current man would see her in a relationship with someone else and realise what he’d lost and offer her a relationship with him.

OP posts:
Pbjsand · 30/05/2025 22:37

Overtheatlantic · 30/05/2025 21:18

So what you’re saying is that in the 15 years they’ve been fwb she could have been married and divorced with a couple of kids, gone part time because kids and school run, and then be single again.

😂👏

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:34

Missj25 · 30/05/2025 22:28

Exactly..
She does her & you do you ..
I think what they have is nice actually..
No Drama , not in one another’s pockets , but they have each other at the same time & not with others .. Every second weekend, excited to see one another & plenty to converse about ..

Show quote history

It does sound nice when you say it like that, but never being told that your partner loves you? Not having them with you when your parent dies? It’s nice when the going’s good but there is no support when it’s not.

OP posts:
ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/05/2025 22:34

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:33

I understand what you’re saying, I just think she does want it, with him, and is hoping if she waits around long enough he’ll change.

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As above. Has she told you that’s what she wants? Or are you assuming because that’s what you’d want in her position and you can’t imagine anyone feeling differently?

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:33

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/05/2025 22:31

You seem to think there’s only one way to live or be and that everyone wants what you want. Your friend clearly does not. I’m not really getting why you have so much difficulty understanding this?

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I understand what you’re saying, I just think she does want it, with him, and is hoping if she waits around long enough he’ll change.

OP posts:
GasperyJacquesRoberts · 30/05/2025 22:32

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:28

Don’t you hear all of these stories about commitment phobic men reaching middle age and settling down and having kids after keeping previous partners dangling on a string for years? That’s what I’m worried about.

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So he hasn't given any indication that that's what he'll do, you're just letting your imagination run wild.

She's not you. She doesn't have to make the same choices in life that you have made. Just because she's chosen a different path to you doesn't mean she's wrong.

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/05/2025 22:32

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:29

Not a fool, just being naive to think he’ll change and one day admit he wants a committed relationship with her.

Show quote history

Has she told you that’s what she wants? Or are you assuming because that’s what you’d want in her position and you can’t imagine anyone feeling differently?

ForZanyAquaViewer · 30/05/2025 22:31

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:26

I have, many times. She just shrugs it off really. To be fair, she rarely, if ever, complains about him and they never argue (so she says) so Im not saying he’s a bad person, I actually quite like him, I just think it’s a worry when the day comes that he announces that he’s met someone else and she’s given up all of these years of being able to find someone else whilst she’s at the height of her attractiveness (and she is very beautiful).

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You seem to think there’s only one way to live or be and that everyone wants what you want. Your friend clearly does not. I’m not really getting why you have so much difficulty understanding this?

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:29

DontTouchRoach · 30/05/2025 22:24

It's her choice and not really up to you to say what she should do.

What do you hope to gain from coming on Mumsnet and egging everyone on to say she's a fool?

Not a fool, just being naive to think he’ll change and one day admit he wants a committed relationship with her.

OP posts:
Missj25 · 30/05/2025 22:28

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:22

I have asked her why she doesn’t insist on seeing him at least once a week and she says they’re too busy because either she’s out with her friends or he is. I think if he really did want her seriously then he’d be making her a priority over seeing his friends or doing sport for at least one weekend night.

But then I’d be asking to see him midweek too but she says she’d hate to have him over midweek so I am clearly not the same as her there.

Show quote history

Exactly..
She does her & you do you ..
I think what they have is nice actually..
No Drama , not in one another’s pockets , but they have each other at the same time & not with others .. Every second weekend, excited to see one another & plenty to converse about ..

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:28

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 30/05/2025 22:22

Has he given any indication that he wants children and/or a more committed relationship than the one he's got with your friend? Maybe he's just as happy with a relationship where both parties are a bit more independent as your friend is?

Or, to put it another way, just because you like being married doesn't mean that marriage is what everyone wants.

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Don’t you hear all of these stories about commitment phobic men reaching middle age and settling down and having kids after keeping previous partners dangling on a string for years? That’s what I’m worried about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:26

echt · 30/05/2025 22:21

You seem to know what's best for her, @Nobivucy.

Have a chat with her, why don't you?

I have, many times. She just shrugs it off really. To be fair, she rarely, if ever, complains about him and they never argue (so she says) so Im not saying he’s a bad person, I actually quite like him, I just think it’s a worry when the day comes that he announces that he’s met someone else and she’s given up all of these years of being able to find someone else whilst she’s at the height of her attractiveness (and she is very beautiful).

OP posts:
Ohgodohgod · 30/05/2025 22:26

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 21:40

She doesn’t want kids but I think she’d jump at the chance of marrying him.

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If she doesn’t want children it’s not so time sensitive. I can see that it must be worrying and frustrating for you that she seems to be letting this guy string her along, but the only person who can break the pattern is her, right? You say you think she’d jump at the chance to marry him. I wonder what shr thinks that marriage would look like. Would they be together all the time or would she seek to retain a lot of independence? I mean, if she got what you think she wants and married him, would the reality of that even be desirable to her?

OverlyFragrant · 30/05/2025 22:24

JustMeHello · 30/05/2025 22:20

I knew a couple years ago who bought two separate terraced houses next door to each other. They kept ownership separate, and had separate bills, but knocked through some walls to have a big shared downstairs open plan kitchen/living room, and then separate bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs with a door that connected if they wanted to, but with locks on both sides. The downstairs had a sliding divider thing so it could be two separate rooms if they had separate people round. They had lived like that for at least 20 years, no kids, no marriage, both seemed very happy with the arrangement. But people were constantly telling them they were weird to be happy with that.

That sounds like utter bliss to me.