To think my friend should set her standards higher?

Sure, we need to be realistic about the volume of misogynistic men out there. That’s a problem for everyone though and not reserved for women over the age of 50. If a man isn’t going to date someone because they are over the age of 50 then that man isn’t worth dating anyway. It’s not really a loss to the woman! People can find themselves single in their 50-60s for all sorts of reasons, including non-misogynistic men. Dating pool is shit for women of all ages. Not just older women.

As for this woman’s fertility, she says she doesn’t want children, why don’t you believe her? She aborted his child, that’s not the actions of someone who secretly wants children with him. Are you like this with all women of child bearing age who say they don’t want children?

I mean, many women decide they don't want children, and regardless of their relationship status, there comes a point where it's too late to change their mind. That's just a fact of life, and something most women who decide they don't want children have already factored in.

unless you think once a woman turns 50 she’s no longer dateable, which of course is untrue and highly misogynistic.

It’s misogynistic, yeah, but as I’m sure you’ve noticed, many men are. It’s also not only misogynistic - unfortunately it’s just a reality that at 50 OP’s friend’s situationship will likely still be fertile and may be able to have children with a younger woman if he decides he wants to, whereas if OP’s friend changes her mind at that point, it will be too late. Yes it’s shit and frustrating for us as women, but I can’t see the point of denying that reality.

But she is in fact an adult woman who can make her own choices.

Yes he sounds like he treats her with indifference, but he is who she chooses, every time. One day, she won't. But you judging her choices or telling her he's awful while she's still into him won't help her get there.

You know that if you badmouth anyone someone loves, they immediately jump to their defense. For most it also makes them want to find the good more than ever and they'll double down.

All you can do is be there for her if and when it all falls apart. No point worrying about it or telling her to do different til then.

There is no 'should' about it. You seem to have a very fixed idea of what people should do.

If OP’s friend is totally happy with the situation she’s in, then why did she break up with this man for a while to be with a man who was offering a committed relationship? Why is she keeping track of how the relationship ‘progresses’ towards commitment? Why is she describing him as her boyfriend to strangers when he isn’t describing her as his girlfriend?

No, i think you should read OPs posts.

They're all 'I think' statements.

Come back when you've found a post that isn't about what OP thinks about her friends relationship but where the friend has actually said she is wasting her beautiful years waiting for this man.

She hasn't. It's all OPs ideas and projections.

Maybe the friend would like to get married to him if it was her choice. But maybe it’s also not a dealbreaker for her.

If the friend was coming to OP crying about it every other week then that would be one thing but that isn’t even happening. The friend seems ok with not seeing him in the week because she is also busy doing stuff. It doesn’t sound like she’s sitting around just waiting for him all the time. And of course she is excited to go on holiday with him, why wouldn’t she?

She also doesn’t want children so there really is no time pressure - unless you think once a woman turns 50 she’s no longer dateable, which of course is untrue and highly misogynistic.

He doesn’t sound too committed and it’s not what I would choose but this friend is choosing that. And nobody can make that choice for her. Even if she ends up broken hearted, it doesn’t mean she will have regrets in trying.

If she asks what you think then by all means be honest with her but if she isn’t asking for advice or coming to you complaining then I’d stop worrying about it and stop bringing it up.

I think you need to re-read OP’s posts. I also think it’s strange so many people are assuming they do know what this woman wants based on no conversations with her at all, since they haven’t ever met her whereas OP has.

Because the OPs friend hasn't said anything of the sort.

All of OPs posts are saying 'I think' in regards to her friends relationship. OP says 'I think she wants this, I think she wants that' based on what OP thinks any woman she want.

There's not one comment where the friend says she wants more commitment.

It's all OPs opinions.

Nothing anyone says will change her friend’s mind, unfortunately.

Well exactly, what she really wants is more commitment from the man she’s seeing currently. I’m not exactly sure why the OP is being pilloried for feeling concerned about that. It feels as if a lot of people are reacting very defensively as if their own situations are being attacked, but this is about OP’s friend, not them. If OP’s friend was happy with no commitment that would be fine, but the signs are clearly there that she’s not.

I can’t really believe that on MN of all places, people are acting as if it’s fine that he got her pregnant then left her to deal with an abortion on her own until she absolutely insisted that he come to the last appointment. On any other thread it would be an instant ‘LTB’.

I don't think it's any of your business if it does or not.

And so your current judgement on how pathetic, low-standards and just generally sad you think it is, that she isn't desperate for a male commitment to fulfil her life so she won't end up 50 and alone because men won't want her anymore, is just your misogynistic judgement and ideas of superiority.

I'm sure you'll love it if she ends up alone at 50, even if she's happy being so.

She didn’t go into the committed relationship to be with that man though, it was in the hope that the man she loves would fight for her.

I feel like OP has made it clear over and over again in this thread that her friend has indicated to her she does want more with this man, and would want marriage with him if that was on the table. OP’s friend even went to the lengths of breaking up with him for a while to be with someone who could offer her a committed relationship, which she wouldn’t be doing unless she felt like a committed relationship was something she did want. So I don’t feel like PP are being fair to say OP is imposing those expectations on her friend. OP is responding to the fact that her friend is giving her repeated signals that she’s not actually very satisfied with this situation.

If it does, will it have helped that you told her so?

OP, I really think it's worth considering the language you use to talk about your friend's relationship, and think about whether you use it to her. Things like comparing her relationship to "a proper relationship", it being a "shame" she doesn't see him midweek, that she "should" want to do xyz with him. If she's on the receiving end of this frequently (and you say you've talked to her many times, so I suspect she is) then you're either getting in her head and making her doubt herself or feel that there's something wrong with her, or you're really getting her irritated.

I have no idea, it was 25-30 years ago and they were both in their late 50s. I lost touch after I changed jobs. However, they'd been happy like that for at least 20 years, so in my opinion, even if they didn't last til death, it was still right for them.

So?

Stop projecting your idea of what she should want on her.

It really is nothing to do with you.

And your judgements on how pathetic she is and how low her standards are based on what YOU think she should want out of life are clearly misogynistic.

You're not being a good friend judging her choices or life or expectations.

You positioning yourself as a good friend or a feminist seems inaccurate.

Put your energy into your own life.

Are they still together ?

You’re getting a hard time on this thread OP, I’m not really sure why. I think your concerns sound valid, but unfortunately only your friend really has the power to change the situation, and it sounds like she’s not there yet.