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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my friend should set her standards higher?

268 replies

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 19:52

She is mid 30s and child free. She has been sleeping with the same man on and off for around 15 years. He has never wanted a relationship.

She has had a couple of short lived relationships in that time, and he’s had a few dates and one night stands. About four years ago she met a (I thought) nice man who wanted a proper relationship, and told the other man she wasn’t going to be seeing him any more. After about three months she ended it with the boyfriend, got back in touch immediately with the other man, and resumed things with him.

They now see each other every couple of weeks. Always at his house. Always to play darts or pool and have a drink. They text numerous times a day. He doesn’t want a relationship, but she says she’s made it clear that if he slept with another woman, or was speaking to one with that intention, she’d be done and he’d be blocked. Neither of them have slept with anyone else for years. They’ve booked a weekend away and she’s really excited, as if he’s proposed.

AIBU to think she’s wasting her best years with him, he’ll never commit, and she’s wasting the chance to find someone to settle down properly with? I have told her this but she laughs and says he ‘makes her laugh and is good in bed’. I just think it’s a bit pathetic and am worried she’ll end up 50 and alone when he meets someone he’s actually serious about.

OP posts:
DontTouchRoach · 30/05/2025 22:24

It's her choice and not really up to you to say what she should do.

What do you hope to gain from coming on Mumsnet and egging everyone on to say she's a fool?

GasperyJacquesRoberts · 30/05/2025 22:24

"She's not living her life the way I think she should so she's doing it wrong"

OverlyFragrant · 30/05/2025 22:24

You sound way too invested in her relationship.
Kindly, take a step back. If she's happy and he's happy what else is there to add?

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:22

Missj25 · 30/05/2025 22:15

He does want her ..
15 years & they’re still together, there is no guy out there having sex with the same woman for that length of time & heading off for weekends together, spending every second sat night together that he doesn’t care about !
This is their version of settling down ….

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I have asked her why she doesn’t insist on seeing him at least once a week and she says they’re too busy because either she’s out with her friends or he is. I think if he really did want her seriously then he’d be making her a priority over seeing his friends or doing sport for at least one weekend night.

But then I’d be asking to see him midweek too but she says she’d hate to have him over midweek so I am clearly not the same as her there.

OP posts:
GasperyJacquesRoberts · 30/05/2025 22:22

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:01

I know that, we’re just very close and I’d hate to see her alone in 20 years time because he meets someone he’s actually wants to settle down and have kids with because she’s just been a way to have fun while he’s waiting for someone he actually wants.

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Has he given any indication that he wants children and/or a more committed relationship than the one he's got with your friend? Maybe he's just as happy with a relationship where both parties are a bit more independent as your friend is?

Or, to put it another way, just because you like being married doesn't mean that marriage is what everyone wants.

echt · 30/05/2025 22:21

You seem to know what's best for her, @Nobivucy.

Have a chat with her, why don't you?

JustMeHello · 30/05/2025 22:20

I knew a couple years ago who bought two separate terraced houses next door to each other. They kept ownership separate, and had separate bills, but knocked through some walls to have a big shared downstairs open plan kitchen/living room, and then separate bedrooms and bathrooms upstairs with a door that connected if they wanted to, but with locks on both sides. The downstairs had a sliding divider thing so it could be two separate rooms if they had separate people round. They had lived like that for at least 20 years, no kids, no marriage, both seemed very happy with the arrangement. But people were constantly telling them they were weird to be happy with that.

Missj25 · 30/05/2025 22:15

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:01

I know that, we’re just very close and I’d hate to see her alone in 20 years time because he meets someone he’s actually wants to settle down and have kids with because she’s just been a way to have fun while he’s waiting for someone he actually wants.

Show quote history

He does want her ..
15 years & they’re still together, there is no guy out there having sex with the same woman for that length of time & heading off for weekends together, spending every second sat night together that he doesn’t care about !
This is their version of settling down ….

ManchesterGirl2 · 30/05/2025 22:14

Anyone could be left by their partner in the next twenty years. "Settling down" can mean arguing about finances and chores, constant compromise about where to live, how to spend time, how tidy the house should be... Just because you wanted to settle down, doesn't mean everyone does.

JustMeHello · 30/05/2025 22:13

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:10

I suppose you’re right. Im married and I just think it’s a shame missing out on having a proper partner to come home to, share bills with, eat your meals with and so on.

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But not everyone wants that. For some people, they know they not only don't want it, but actively prefer not to have it. Just because you want it, doesn't mean everyone wants it.

Do you use that kind of language with her? That she should want certain things, and that it's a shame she doesn't have xyz? Because as someone on the receiving end of that from people, it can be exhausting to deal with.

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:10

JustMeHello · 30/05/2025 22:04

But being married is absolutely zero guarantee that she wouldn't still be on her own in 20 years. And being separate now and then alone later is a million times easier than being married and having a joint house and kids and then being alone later.

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I suppose you’re right. Im married and I just think it’s a shame missing out on having a proper partner to come home to, share bills with, eat your meals with and so on.

OP posts:
JustMeHello · 30/05/2025 22:06

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:03

I think she thinks booking the holiday is a sign hes more committed.

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The only thing anyone can say for sure is that it's a sign he wants a holiday with her.

Sherararara · 30/05/2025 22:05

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:03

I think she thinks booking the holiday is a sign hes more committed.

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I think it’s a sign he wants a holiday.

JustMeHello · 30/05/2025 22:04

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:01

I know that, we’re just very close and I’d hate to see her alone in 20 years time because he meets someone he’s actually wants to settle down and have kids with because she’s just been a way to have fun while he’s waiting for someone he actually wants.

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But being married is absolutely zero guarantee that she wouldn't still be on her own in 20 years. And being separate now and then alone later is a million times easier than being married and having a joint house and kids and then being alone later.

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:04

ElaineAndBarbara · 30/05/2025 22:02

What’s your definition of “settling down”, OP?

Living together, going to weddings together, going to each other’s family events. They do none of these things. She’s never even met his mother.

OP posts:
BlondeCircus · 30/05/2025 22:03

shes obviously happy with this arrangement it’s her buisness

zoemum2006 · 30/05/2025 22:03

Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:01

I know that, we’re just very close and I’d hate to see her alone in 20 years time because he meets someone he’s actually wants to settle down and have kids with because she’s just been a way to have fun while he’s waiting for someone he actually wants.

Show quote history

Why would that be a problem? Has she said she wants to get married/ have kids etc?

If those are her plans then yes she's wasting her time. If they aren't she can just get a new boyfriend later on.

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:03

Sherararara · 30/05/2025 21:57

Yes I agree with you OP sounds like she has wasted her time. She probably knows this deep down but is afraid to admit it to herself and clings to the small hope that it’s only a matter of time he will change one of these days.

I think she thinks booking the holiday is a sign hes more committed.

OP posts:
ElaineAndBarbara · 30/05/2025 22:02

What’s your definition of “settling down”, OP?

Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:02

Missj25 · 30/05/2025 21:53

If he went to the wake , he did show at the funeral !
It’s a not showing for any of it would indicate disrespect 🤷🏻‍♀️..

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I think he should’ve been in the car with her supporting her, not rocking up afterwards.

OP posts:
Original poster
Nobivucy · 30/05/2025 22:01

zoemum2006 · 30/05/2025 21:58

It all depends how happy and satisfied she is. Does she seems unhappy to you? It's really nothing to do with your feelings, opinions, standards or values on life as that is to shape how you to live your own life.

Edited

I know that, we’re just very close and I’d hate to see her alone in 20 years time because he meets someone he’s actually wants to settle down and have kids with because she’s just been a way to have fun while he’s waiting for someone he actually wants.

OP posts:
Mum2jenny · 30/05/2025 22:00

OP it’s your friends choice and as long as she is happy with her decision, it’s nothing to do with you. Just butt out is my opinion.

zoemum2006 · 30/05/2025 21:58

It all depends how happy and satisfied she is. Does she seems unhappy to you? It's really nothing to do with your feelings, opinions, standards or values on life as that is to shape how you to live your own life.

Kissedbyfire1 · 30/05/2025 21:57

15 years in. Makes her laugh. Good in bed. #winning

Sherararara · 30/05/2025 21:57

Yes I agree with you OP sounds like she has wasted her time. She probably knows this deep down but is afraid to admit it to herself and clings to the small hope that it’s only a matter of time he will change one of these days.