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AIBU?

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Original poster

Am I being unfair?

38 replies

someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 13:37

So I work TTO and dh works 4.5 days with a lunchtime finish on a Friday (compressed hours) we have a young son and I also have chronic pain. School holidays are tough on me.

During TT dh gets Friday afternoon to himself he usually goes to the gym/takes dog out for a walk. In the past in the holidays he would still expect that free time which bugged me slightly but I accepted it, now because I’m struggling more I expect him to factor me and ds into his plans. So today I asked him about this afternoon and he said he was thinking of going to the gym so I asked if he could help for some of the afternoon with ds so I could rest. He agreed he would and we said we would discuss it at lunch time . When he came down after work he was in his gym clothes and had packed his gym bag. This annoyed me because he’s assumed he’s going to the gym without discussing it. But he claims if I needed him to have ds he just wouldn’t go to the gym. I feel like by getting ready he’s making it harder to discuss what the afternoon will look like as I can’t really say actually can you take ds out. Am I being sensitive?

OP posts:
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Original poster
someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 16:50

Tessasanderson · 30/05/2025 16:27

But is that not him sticking to his routine? Surely if its a routine that normally works its not him assuming anything. Its how it happens.

Assuming would be him changing the routine and not even bothering to check with you because he thinks you will automatically do the childcare. There is a difference in my eyes.

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maybe? I see it as holidays are different but I get your point. He doesn’t do this on a weekend maybe that’s why.

OP posts:
toomuchfaff · 30/05/2025 16:48

I asked if he could help for some of the afternoon with ds

DS's dad?

If its his child; its called parenting; he's not helping you with DS, he's parenting. Remind him he's a parent.

Tessasanderson · 30/05/2025 16:27

someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 15:40

@Tessasandersonhe does parent of course and if I want to do something (like the gym) I will check with him and plan ahead if he’s ok. But it’s the fact that he will just go out and assume I’m doing the kids that annoys me . When he finishes work at 1 I wouldn’t stick my head round the door and say right see you later I’m off out.

But is that not him sticking to his routine? Surely if its a routine that normally works its not him assuming anything. Its how it happens.

Assuming would be him changing the routine and not even bothering to check with you because he thinks you will automatically do the childcare. There is a difference in my eyes.

Original poster
someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 16:03

Other dc are obviously not a concern/involved in this situation otherwise I would have said so on the op.

OP posts:
JudgeBread · 30/05/2025 15:58

someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 14:36

I have more than one dc

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So where's your ten year old son in all this, is he not also wanting time with dad? And your two older daughters, can they not entertain their brothers for a bit too, or are they already moved out?

Original poster
someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 15:40

@Tessasandersonhe does parent of course and if I want to do something (like the gym) I will check with him and plan ahead if he’s ok. But it’s the fact that he will just go out and assume I’m doing the kids that annoys me . When he finishes work at 1 I wouldn’t stick my head round the door and say right see you later I’m off out.

OP posts:
Tessasanderson · 30/05/2025 14:52

Nearly50omg · 30/05/2025 14:39

In which case the MUM in this scenario should be the one going to the gym as SHE is the one parenting while her husband “helps” occasionally when asked

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Is he not parenting too (Helps occasionally)? I havent seen evidence that he isnt, just that the OP is struggling and feels the DH going to the gym is causing an issue.

So if he is parenting as much as he can, working FT and going to the gym, is he still being unreasonable?

Does the MUM and any point mention that she would like to go to the gym?

Original poster
someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 14:50

hedgerunner · 30/05/2025 14:38

Why does he not want to make the most out of spending time when you’re both off together as a family? Did he not take any leave this week?

He was off Monday as BH, he went to the gym in the morning, I asked him to take dc out for a couple hours so I could rest in the afternoon which he did.

OP posts:
HoldmecloseTonyDanza · 30/05/2025 14:44

I was going to ask how long he'd be at the gym, but see from updates he'll be home by 2.30. That's practically the full afternoon at home - I don't see anything wrong with what he did.

Shellianotwheels · 30/05/2025 14:43

someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 14:38

Agreed I wouldn’t describe a baby or a 12 year old as a young child

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Many would though. Especially on MN. But there you go

Am I being unfair?
thismummyslife · 30/05/2025 14:41

I think you’ve hit the nail on the head using the term ‘it’s the assumption’ I think many fathers just assume that the mothers are constantly the default parent and they can do as they please!

Nearly50omg · 30/05/2025 14:39

Kitkatfiend31 · 30/05/2025 14:35

This is a great post and really helpful. It's hard if really you need time to rest but if that is the case why not timetable it in with your DH. Also just a regular coffee met up with a friend?

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In which case the MUM in this scenario should be the one going to the gym as SHE is the one parenting while her husband “helps” occasionally when asked

hedgerunner · 30/05/2025 14:38

Why does he not want to make the most out of spending time when you’re both off together as a family? Did he not take any leave this week?

Original poster
someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 14:38

Shellianotwheels · 30/05/2025 14:25

Huge difference between a baby and say a 12 year old. So context is needed. You’re pissed off he’s assumed he was going to the gym without discussing going to the gym?

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Agreed I wouldn’t describe a baby or a 12 year old as a young child

OP posts:
Original poster
someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 14:36

HenDoNot · 30/05/2025 14:26

Oh that’s wierd because on another thread about half term this week you’ve stated
My ds could definitely be at home while dh works (he’s 10) yes he would get a lot of screen time but it would be manageable

I have more than one dc

OP posts:
Kitkatfiend31 · 30/05/2025 14:35

Tessasanderson · 30/05/2025 14:16

Gym can be a huge help to someone coping with the pressure of a child, a partner, work and home.

A partner can sometimes begrudge this if they dont have something they have as a similar release.

I would suggest you dont need to stop him going to the gym but you do need to look for something that lets you have similar me time to yourself. He needs to help make this happen otherwise he is definitely a GIT

This is a great post and really helpful. It's hard if really you need time to rest but if that is the case why not timetable it in with your DH. Also just a regular coffee met up with a friend?

Shellianotwheels · 30/05/2025 14:30

JudgeBread · 30/05/2025 14:25

You did say he was 10 in a post two days ago, which is I think where the confusion is coming from as 10 is definitely old enough to not need 24/7 attention, ND notwithstanding.

Just talk to your husband, hash out how much free time you both have and make sure you're both getting adequate "me" time and both spending quality time with your child, whether he's 6, 9 or 10. Communication and not making assumptions about how the other partner is feeling or what they're thinking or why they're doing X, Y or Z are pretty essential cornerstones of a marriage, especially when there's kids.

You're annoyed because "he's assumed he's going to the gym" but what are you doing if not making assumptions by saying "I feel like by getting ready he’s making it harder to discuss what the afternoon will look like"?? Stop assuming and talk.

This. A lot of fuss over something very minor. Communicate and share the time to do what you both want.

HenDoNot · 30/05/2025 14:26

Oh that’s wierd because on another thread about half term this week you’ve stated
My ds could definitely be at home while dh works (he’s 10) yes he would get a lot of screen time but it would be manageable

JudgeBread · 30/05/2025 14:25

You did say he was 10 in a post two days ago, which is I think where the confusion is coming from as 10 is definitely old enough to not need 24/7 attention, ND notwithstanding.

Just talk to your husband, hash out how much free time you both have and make sure you're both getting adequate "me" time and both spending quality time with your child, whether he's 6, 9 or 10. Communication and not making assumptions about how the other partner is feeling or what they're thinking or why they're doing X, Y or Z are pretty essential cornerstones of a marriage, especially when there's kids.

You're annoyed because "he's assumed he's going to the gym" but what are you doing if not making assumptions by saying "I feel like by getting ready he’s making it harder to discuss what the afternoon will look like"?? Stop assuming and talk.

Shellianotwheels · 30/05/2025 14:25

someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 14:19

I said young which seemed enough I only clarified because someone asked. I said in my last post it’s fine, it’s the assumption that bothers me.

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Huge difference between a baby and say a 12 year old. So context is needed. You’re pissed off he’s assumed he was going to the gym without discussing going to the gym?

Original poster
someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 14:19

Shellianotwheels · 30/05/2025 14:17

Well why not put that in your original post instead of drip feeding? Your husband is having your son at 2.30pm so you can have your own time. What’s the problem?

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I said young which seemed enough I only clarified because someone asked. I said in my last post it’s fine, it’s the assumption that bothers me.

OP posts:
Shellianotwheels · 30/05/2025 14:17

someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 14:12

Ds is 6 but developmentally delayed. He’s very full on. It’s not a hand him a iPad situation

Well why not put that in your original post instead of drip feeding? Your husband is having your son at 2.30pm so you can have your own time. What’s the problem?

Tessasanderson · 30/05/2025 14:16

Gym can be a huge help to someone coping with the pressure of a child, a partner, work and home.

A partner can sometimes begrudge this if they dont have something they have as a similar release.

I would suggest you dont need to stop him going to the gym but you do need to look for something that lets you have similar me time to yourself. He needs to help make this happen otherwise he is definitely a GIT

Original poster
someonehastoberight · 30/05/2025 14:12

Ds is 6 but developmentally delayed. He’s very full on. It’s not a hand him a iPad situation

OP posts:
Shellianotwheels · 30/05/2025 14:11

I think you’re being unfair. So out of the 7 days, he gets a few hours on a Friday and Sunday morning to himself, so he can go to the gym? Why can’t you do the same? You said he’ll be back by 2.30pm so surely this can be your time? Also how old is the child? A five year old can watch tv for a few hours whilst you sit on the sofa surely?