Loud parenting in public spaces

Of all the things that didn't happen, this didn't happen the most 🙄

I'm not quite sure the distinction between looking up occasionally and looking around would be sufficiently clear to me to tell the difference.

What does that even mean?

I've only ever heard that term in relation to ventriloquism. I can't say I've seen a parent do anything remotely like that.

I think the most obvious is the throwing of the voice. They’re projecting to everyone, not their child who is a meter away.

There's a difference between being loud for your child and being loud for the imagined adoring audience. No one minds the former, it's when people are saying things clearly above the understanding of their small child and looking around to check that everyone knows what an amazing parent they are. Loud is OK, performance isn't.

I'm sometimes this parent. If I'm being overly enthusiastic my youngest, it's usually because they are close to having a tantrum and I'm trying to gee them on. You might find it annoying when I excitedly point out ducks or praise one of them for building a tower, but you'd find their shrill tantrum scream more annoying.

Or you might think I'm performance parenting when I'm purposefully speaking clearly, or even in a sing song voice with my eldest. But that's because he is Deaf and I'm following the advice of professionals in how to help him build listening skills and (hopefully) eventually spoken language. Believe me, I don't want you to pay me attention when I do this. In fact, I had to work hard to get over the embarrassment of knowing people like you would be judging me in order to parent this way outside of the house. But it's what my child needs so I have to.

Also, my 12 year old is deaf and performance parenting is totally different to the kind of talking you need to do when you are talking to a deaf child.

I wouldn’t know @elliejjtiny but I can tell you that the kind of narration that OP and other PP have described is exactly how you need to talk to an autistic child with a gestalt language processing presentation in order to help them move beyond echolalia to develop functional, novel speech.

My child is speech delayed and the SALT literally gave us the advice to narrate everything in the way that makes other people roll their eyes 🤣 sure it probably seems performative to others but we are just trying to support our son at every opportunity, naturally being out and about brings more opportunities to model different words than at home.

I’ve been criticised for performance parenting several times. Starting with when I was quietly wittering away to DD as a newborn in the sling about what milk to buy. Which I did because the EYP had advised stream of consciousness narration to a child who otherwise wouldn’t hear much speech (no family or friends at that point). And more for when she would loudly ask for sushi in the supermarket (gluten intolerance).

I got side eyed in the library today for trying to shoehorn a bit of extra knowledge into DS. Thing is, he may look like an average 10yo (assuming there is such a thing) but what you can’t see is that he only started reading last year, is selectively mute and autistic with adhd and consequently home educated, so making him read labels on exhibits aloud and me leading a discussion about it is his fucking education! But the muttering from other parents…. My kid does know about artist names because it’s his sister’s hyper focus. He does know some fairly obscure detail about historical events because he’s interested.

That said, I’ve been criticised just as much for being on my phone or reading a book at softplay or the park. You can’t win.

What makes it obvious?

If you’re not doing that for the approval of others then you’re not performance parenting, so don’t worry about it.

It’s obvious when you see it.

People also do performative dog-parenting and performative arguing on the phone in public.

I also think it's extraordinarily self centred for people to decide that these parents are 'performing' for their benefit.

Rather than, y'know, their child.

I'm not really a confident mum. I'm getting better but I always worry I'm not doing a good enough job.

I try not to even look at my phone if I'm out in public with my little girl incase people judge me for not interacting with her enough. Now apparently I have to worry if I interact with her too much as well.

What an utterly depressing, bitchy thread. Some women really will drag other women down for anything.

This reminds me of when my partner and I were waiting to pay in a shop and it was near Halloween and the children were being mock scared by their Dad with a plastic spider (such fun parents). The Mum looked over at us, beaming with delight, but obviously didn't quite get the reaction she was seeking as she said "joyless, utterly joyless"...

Here’s the problem. My daughter talked really early and really well. By two she was talking in sentences, and by 3 her vocabulary was really advanced, because with her disability she spent pretty much every waking hour with an adult. She loved to talk, and given her gluey ears also had a really loud voice, and couldn’t hear very well. I am certain people around us thought we were performative parents, but we were just parents talking with our child. And yes, that involved complimenting her on things she was doing.

Just don’t judge.

I experienced the opposite of this yesterday (well opposite may not quite be the right word)
I took my 5 and 7 year old to the library, there is a play are. My DC and a couple of other kids built an obstacle course, just cushions and soft blocks, the library encourage this. A little girl who looked about the same age as my 5 year old wanted to join in, she was literally sobbing and screaming but her mum just wouldn’t let her and was being very vocal about how high and dangerous it was! I got the impression she wanted the rest of us to tell our kids to stop playing on it. It was quite bizarre actually

It could be that they’re just doing their best to communicate clearly with their children. If Timothy had made an impressive tower out of LEGO, his mum should be praising him. I’m not sure really why that is ‘performance parenting’.

If Timothy was throwing LEGO all over the floor and spitting out his sausage roll, MN would be quick to agree “that mum should be the parent, not let him be naughty, etc etc. keeping the child engaged is how you avoid boredom and challenging behaviour.

Example 2, I suppose you could roll your eyes at her mentioning the brand name. But then if Grampy has a Range Rover, that’s not exactly a crime is it? My theee year old knows what make our car is. His favourite car is Lamborghini purely because he has a model of it in a bright yellow colour. It doesn’t really mean anything…

DH and I went out for lunch today, and sitting on some comfy chairs in the corner of the cafe were a woman and her dd aged around 10/11. I was facing in their direction and they were there for around an hour. The poor child sat there silent and dejected, clutching a bottle of pop and sucking on a straw, and all the while her mother was totally engrossed in her phone. She didn't talk to her dd at all until it was time to leave. I'd much rather have been listening to some performance parenting to be honest.

It doesn't annoy me but it does seem a bit tedious, however they are just wee kids and need constant reinforcement and encouragement so those people are just being good parents so let them crack on with it.

Everyone knows the difference. They’re pretending they don’t.
I talk to DS all the time while we are out but I manage to do it at a normal voice level and without making such a performance out of it

I know what you mean about perimenopause rages. I have been getting them about waiting lists and my MIL just lately. Also, my 12 year old is deaf and performance parenting is totally different to the kind of talking you need to do when you are talking to a deaf child.

one of dh's family does meal times with their child like they are a midwife with a woman in labour. "Yes, you can do it!, One more pea, Well done! Just one more carrot and then we will go to costa" etc. All very loud. Meanwhile I just tell my dc that as long as they have some veg it's fine. Disclaimer, none of the dc have an eating disorder, arfid or are underweight.

OP sounds like one of the kids at school who slouched around being too cool for everything. Didn’t care what you thought then, don’t care now. I’ll continue teaching my kids about all the wonderful things in this world.

I’m with you OP this gives me the rage.
My example -
Went to order some breakfast from a well-known bakery establishment. There was no queue when I got there but some bloke leaped ahead of me with his toddler and spent AGES talking to him about all the different types of cake/cookie he could order

“Oooh LOOK Jacob, this one is shaped like a DINOSAUR!!! You LOVE dinosaurs don’t you? Tell the lady behind the counter your favourite type of dinosaur……” he looked around at me with this grin on his face as if to say “ooooh aren’t I wonderful, I’m such a ‘hands on’ dad”

My face didn’t betray the reaction he was looking for. In my head, the words “will you just hurry up and fuck off. I am hungry”

@Rizzz do you work for Google or something? 😂 Give it a rest, everyone’s got your point. (Or at least heard it several thousand times.)

100% agree