Loud parenting in public spaces

Oh God, I think I actually hate him!

We used to call this performative parenting when our kids were young.

My ex H was a top performative parent. He barely ever spoke to our child unless there was an audience - then he'd morph into this obsessively attentive dad, speaking constantly about himself in the 3rd person - daddy this that snd the other and pronouncing our daughters name with a weird french inflection. Drove me mad.

Whilst dictating the behaviour of those muttering and eye rolling 🤣🤣

Performance parenting. I work in a restaurant and see this literally all the time. We have a ‘mum club’ come in once a week and we dread it every time because of how in your face and loud they can be with it. We’ve even had a couple of guests request to move tables because of how insufferable they can be. But then a couple of them come in separately with their husband and child and the child will be sat on a phone or tablet being completely ignored, so you know the whole thing during ‘mum club’ is a show.

Genuinely hilarious.

I would assume she was just a bored mother making a joke.

I loathe Loud Dad and Loud Toddler who overlap with my childrens' activity at the leisure centre most weeks. He's more of the ignore, ignore, BOOM end of the market than pretentiously performative, and no matter how far I try to get away from the gobshite, the building is just too small to get far enough away from his voice to not hear every single bloody word in full HD surround sound (generally featuring 2 swearwords per sentence)

His conversations are not private, they are blasted out to fill the space.

He hypes the toddler until toddler squeals with eardrum reverberating screeches.

We also get the weeks that he ignores the toddler and lets it wander free-range across the whole space until it makes a bid for the freedom of the car park. Then there's bellowing at the toddler until toddler is captured, then starts screaming. Then there's the negotiating of all the things that Loud Dad won't will do while toddler screams "no no no"
And then repeat 5 minutes later.

He's inconsistent anyway, but it's the sheer volume of it that is enraging.
The irony is that my hearing is fairly ropey and I normally struggle to get through conversation without asking for repetition.

10 years ago the staff wouldn't have tolerated it, and were hot on not letting young children wander around. I doubt they would have put up with the bellowing either.

Toddlers are hard going. I've been there and done that with the joy of undiagnosed additional needs in the equation. But they can be parented with interactively at normal conversation levels. It does not take broadcasting every interaction to fill the space.

The only escape from his foghorn voice and mindnumbing conversations such as the crisps that went out of date on 2nd May would be to waste that hour by walking home then turning round to walk back 10 mins later, and I have an equal right to use the public space provided.

To balance, I was recently in a hospital waiting room and a mum was reading through the books avaliable with her toddler at normal levels of conversation, and it was a lovely, natural interaction. I have no objection to normal-range interactions at a volume appropriate to the setting which is the majority of the time and quite a broad range.

I agree. If you want to hear “conversation voices” avoid parks if easily offended by parents umm… interacting with their children.

I don’t believe that’s true- I think, especially with little kids, parents tend to be over enthusiastic and expressive to encourage good behaviour and habits. Bitter old judgemental people really need to mind their business.

They were already on the swing when I joined and he didn’t seem to be interacting with his child before I approached so I don’t think he ‘shut down’ because I was there! I wasn’t being so loud he couldn’t have interacted with his child.

You probably would have hated my songs, obviously they would be annoying to another adult but we were in a park and they were for the benefit of the child I was with, not other adults, and she enjoys the silly songs and being entertained! I’m aware there is a time and a place for being loud and over the top with kids but a park is certainly one of those times. If your reaction would be so extreme as to ‘hate every minute’ of a young child having fun making up silly songs with an adult at a park then that says more about you than me!

I’m with you. There was a grandmother doing this at the airport. I wanted to punch her in the face 😂😂😂😂 (of course, I wouldn’t but I was in my head)

Thought it was just me who was annoyed at performance parenting! I’m totally with the OP.

Example from my experience: a mother who’d brought her son (prob aged about 7) into busy ladies’ loos and proceeded loudly ‘Oh Oliver, which sink and which hand dryer would you like to choose?’ All the while women queuing, having to penguin it because their bladders full to bursting, waiting for dear floppy haired Oliver to skat about experimenting with the whole concept hand washing.

I wanted to make a joke of it. ‘He’s not the messiah, he’s just a very naughty boy’. But I was too British.

This will have your eyes spinning like the wheels on Grampy's black Range Rover.

"When we go home what will we do? We'll light the AGA!"

Yes it's true.

I think the easiet way to explain it is to compare it to mobile phone calls.

Most people can tell the difference from someone answering a call in a public place and saying in a moderated tone that they are on their way home and confirming that they got toilet roll.

It’s a bit different from Giles bellowing into the phone about his share prices on the train whilst deliberately catching other passengers eyes and shrugging and nodding in an exaggerated “what can you do?” way and letting out a braying laugh to show what a funny guy he is.

Most people can instantly tell the difference between a normal call and a performative one, it’s the same with parenting.

No one is even noticing people having a chat with their child or pointing things out to them, they will more then likely notice someone singing at the top of their voice and clapping then saying “Well done Pom Pom you are obviously musically gifted” whilst Pom Pom looks like she’s desperate for a bit of peace and quiet 😂.

And then we wonder why our young people are growing up to be antisocial, unable to tolerate stress and performing poorly academically.....

I agree with you.

I live in a terribly middle class area where I often hear conversations like this, especially in restaurants. Eg to a three year old: “This flavour is umami.” More power to the parents who have these conversations which seem entirely age-inappropriate, if you ask me! I teach and when I encounter kids who know stuff like this, who tend to raise an eyebrow at what they know about, they have bags of cultural capital about loads of seemingly pointless knowledge beyond their years. Then they ace their exams in subjects like English where obscure references don’t go over their head like it does their peers.

I am now cringing reading this thread wondering if a neighbour had been able to hear me ‘performance parenting’ when talking clearly to my young child about bees ‘pollinating’, to give one example from this week. I’m sure some here will think I was, even though it was in my garden with no audience except my DC.

I thought that was depressing too.

We go ice skating a lot and the last time we went there were some grandparents who proceeded to tape laminated animals, with according matching plastic animals, to the sides of the rink.

They then said to little Torvil, go point out the rabbit, or whatever.

The thing is though, all the other kids at the ice rink were messing around them, playing with the plastic animals, knocking them off etc.

As if ice skating isn't fun enough..!

Neither examples there sound bad.
A lego cafe is surely there to interact with the kids during. She may have been preparing for it falling over and starting the dialogue ready to say "we saw how tall it was".
And the car sounds like completely normal chat when on a walk.
I talk to our youngest DC constantly when shes in the pushchair as she doesn't like being in there so distracting her by looking at things extends the time before she starts crying to get out. It's for my benefit not anyone else's when I'm point out big trees/birds/different coloured cars as I don't want to end up with her crying and escaping the straps.

"you have literally no way of knowing whether it’s just “fake public role-playing” on every occasion."

Who mentioned "every occasion"? Here we're clearly talking about the very obvious performance parents, and yes, we're judging them, because we're ordinary human beings with a functioning sense of right and wrong.

Using your child as a prop in a grotesque and self-centred social performance is not worthy behaviour.

Yes, that too. Obviously there are people who are not very observant or insightful, and who tend to be tolerant of loud fakes, and easily impressed and manipulated by them.

If I have to wait for my little Luca to win the nobel prize or to save a squirrel from drowning before I can praise him he'd never hear any praise...

And I can't be the only parent who fakes enthusiasm when your toddler asks you for the 100th time to open and close their fingers so they can pretend that you cleaned the toilet? Or even fake enthusiasm about something genuinely amazing when you have had a shitty day at work but don't want that to ruin your child's day?

Yes, it's fake and maybe grating but it's still for the benefit of my child and not some randoms who have got nothing better to do than to watch and judge us.

@KeenGreen I think that's lovely, IMO it's not really PP if you are following their lead, maybe others see it differently. I love the random stuff kids get obsessed with. A good parent rolls with that.

Sometimes, the children are the performative dickheads.

My partner met me in Tesco once after taking our daughter to the dentist (she was 13 at the time). I started loading the shopping onto the conveyor and my daughter said “Oh no. Not the own-brand beans… Yuck.” then looked at me and said “when’s payday?” 🤦🏻‍♀️

Now, “big brand” beans are lovingly referred to as “payday beans”.

This girl was born and raised on 40p beans, so I’m not sure where she learnt this.

Loud people in general are annoying, especially posh ones. I can forgive young children more easily as they’re so small but adults with loud voices seem to feel they deserve to impact on people around them.

You can see when it's a performance by the DCs reactions. They've either had enough and, with glazed eyes, nod along. Or, if promised a treat for good behaviour, they play along and join in the act.
The DC who are engaged in normal conversations have normal conversations as their parents aren't acting.
Some adults create a performance in public with each other (scream laughing - look at us being funny we must have the whole room see us all evening) so it's not just aimed at annoying people when out with their DCs.