Loud parenting in public spaces

My DH witnessed some extremely loud performance parenting once in a National Trust garden.

It was all 'Yes that's right Jemima, you're so clever Jemima! Everyone look at Jemima!'

I was eye rolling so hard at it all, and then my mild-mannered, quiet DH bellowed 'Just look at that beautiful view!' in the loudest voice I had ever heard from him.

The parent jumped and glared at us, I was doubled over laughing.

Still makes me chuckle.

That is 100% NOT what performance parents are doing. They are showing off, loudly for the 'benefit' of others. They want everyone around them to know how marvellous they are as parents, and as a result how marvellous their children are. Completely different to chatting normally to your children, praising them, acknowledging positive behaviour etc at a normal volume.

Look at meeeeeeee look at meeeeeeee look at meeeeeeeeeeeee

I understand you OP

I was on a small tour 'train' around a wildlife park recently. A woman behind me decided to loudly sing every single bloody verse of 'The Wheels on the Bus' to her daughter (who was paying no heed and was more interested in looking at the animals). Everyone on the 'train' had to listen to her. So selfish and annoying.

How dare these parents want to..... talk to their kids and nurture their social and language skills....heaven forbid!

Ffs

First example could be me, with 2 young boys and a small age gap there's a contrast steam of positivity like "good building, amazing working together, well done for walking nicely" I'm sure your eyes are rolling just reading this, in fact I've got a friend who's eyes roll in real life at it 🤣
Today I've got a throat infection and literally can't speak, my throat's so swollen if I talk loudly I vomit. Turns out the positivity works. Today they are NOT playing nicely or working together and ran off across a car park earlier. Literally the only change is that I cant talk / shout. I'll be back to loudly parenting as soon as I can.

Yes a massive difference.

In fact the performative parents of yesteryear would've dearly loved the social media platforms a lot of modern performers are using today.

But they still walk among us in supermarkets, museums and playgrounds.

There is a difference in encouragingly praising your child in normal tone, in comparison to speaking loudly for attention from other adults around you.

I think everyone comes out with it sometimes, they could be awkward and trying to assert confidence- there’s times I hear myself coming out with crap because I feel out of my depth! Pobody’s nerfect!

Key Characteristics of Performance Parenting:

Seeking External Validation:
Performance parenting often involves a need for external approval and recognition, which can manifest in various ways, such as using social media to showcase their parenting or seeking praise from others.

Presenting an Idealized Image:
Parents engage in performance parenting to present an image that is perceived as "perfect" or "successful," often to impress or compare themselves with other parents.

Neglecting Child's Needs:
This can lead to neglecting the actual needs of the child, as the parent's focus is more on the presentation of their parenting rather than on the child's emotional and developmental well-being.

Potential for Stress and Anxiety:
Performance parenting can be stressful for both the parent and the child, as the parent may feel pressure to maintain a certain image while the child may be feeling neglected or pressured to meet unrealistic expectations.

Lots more info on Google.

A few months ago I was in a crowded cafe. Two mums with one toddler each were there together at a little table. Both children were behaving beautifully. One of the mums suddenly went into full on Performance Mode. We had loud singing (just from her) followed by loud pat-a-cake (just her) following her bellowing “A DOGGY! A DOGGY! LOOK THOMAS, THAT MAN’S BROUGHT HIS DOGGY!” and yoiking poor bemused Thomas out of his high chair to go and meet the doggy. Doggy and Thomas both looked utterly perplexed. Several minutes later, with Thomas sitting beautifully in his high chair again, she pulled him out of it and decided to run up and down the middle of the cafe with him, shouting “WOO! WOO! WOO!”. Meanwhile the lady she was with sat there quietly. I wondered if this was the first time they’d had a coffee together, and if there’d ever be another one!

I didn’t realise talking to my kid, praising them was seen as a bad thing.

It isn't.

These threads are always the same.

There's always a handful of people who'll comment without having a clue what performance parenting is.

Just Google it 🤷‍♂️

How can this possibly be anything other than a judgement when you yourself have said you ‘presume’? 😂

And your observations are things you can’t observe; what they’re doing behind closed doors at home and how the parents feel internally.

I've got 10+ years on you, I'd happily tell you to GTF at your mutterings. It's fucking pathetic. Anyone out of the teen years shouldn't be eye rolling. You don't get to dictate the behaviour of other people.

Oops. People may well have thought I was performance parenting in the past. The reality was that my DC had partial hearing loss due to congestion. It resolved in time, but for a few years if you wanted him to hear anything you had to be loud.

It's not as annoying as women who use perimenopause as an excuse for being judgemental and intolerant.

I cringe at this memory. When my son was 3, I printed out and laminated little flash cards with all the high frequency words on. I had them in a freezer bag and used to take them everywhere because it was his favourite thing to do.

I bet people were eye rolling at me and my precocious little toddler in his buggy, reading out all these words 😂. In my defence, we did it very quietly and it was not performative.

But the first example could be someone using positive parenting. If parents aren't confident at talking to their children, they are told to narrate what the children are doing. As a nursery manager, would you rather a parent doesn't get something completely right, or not bother?
I was sick of the judgement because I had to speak loudly to my grandchild, who has moderate hearing loss. MYOFB.

When I hear loud parents "performing", I presume it is for show, as there is no reason to talk so loudly that everyone can hear you. More than likely at home they are just stuck in front of a telly., and this is just so they look like parents who engage with their children, typically the children also run amok and have zero discipline, as the parents find the irritating behaviour endearing. Not judging, just speaking from my own observations. .

I mean I get the irritation at the loud ‘we have a posh car’, one but enthusiastic parents? Not really. Surely far better that than those I see at our nursery who barely acknowledge their kids when they come out. The slightly awkward Dads who might give them a slight pat (if at all) and say, ‘alright mate’ while ignoring their child’s desire for interaction and cuddles. These poor kids who’s (usually but not always) father’s are far too scared of being shown up as ‘not real men’ for showing anything close to emotional engagement. it’s rather sad I think.

I'm a Facebook friend to a woman my dh is related to . She's always posting how wonderful her children are and how they can request a roast ( or other food item ) at 10pm and she will run to the kitchen to make it . Also how wonderful life is for them .
Yet I know she regularly throws her kids of of the house for weeks on end and tries to get her parents to take them on !

Good for you! That’s really fantastic!

My DS had glue ear until he was 5 so most of my parenting was performance or rather fish wife since he often couldn’t hear me. But it was more like yelling instructions at him. Once he had grommets fitted life became much quieter.

At the zoo a while ago. A parent with flash cards loudly 'teaching' her child to spell hippopotamus in the hippo house. The child was maybe 18 months / 2 years! 🤣 Just let them enjoy the zoo!