Loud parenting in public spaces

Rizzz, I get that you are (believe yourself to be) so much better informed than most people on this thread, and in your ability to use Google. Indeed, I’ve already noted your marvellous use of performance Googling, and perhaps performance Mumsnet posting is also a forte.

BUT, while you seem fantastically good at telling people that they do not know what performance parenting is, and telling them (in an ever so patronising way) to Google it, you’ve yet to answer my previous question, which was to show me where in the OP’s post they have given examples (certainly the first one) of performance parenting.

The post asks about loud parenting. It gives two examples, one of parents engaging with a child and another of someone talking to them about recognising a car similar to their grandparents’. Now the last might well be mild showing off, but I’m not sure that either meets the criteria you’ve highlighted in your Google search. Perhaps you’ve Googled it but not actually read it?

Now there are several good/funny/slightly mean examples of what might be classed as performance parenting in this thread. But not in the original post.

By all means start your own post on performance parenting. Might be good. But stop attacking everyone who see’s no performance parenting in the original examples.

So really, get off your high horse and stop the showing off. What is it parents say to kids? It’s neither big, funny nor particularly clever…

The one that annoys me is the "Good Job" said with a particularly annoying (slightly American?) intonation!

Whatever happened to "Well done" or "That's great!"?

There was an American guy on the cross channel ferry this week being so noisy doing this I wanted to punch him. Also a woman who thought it was great her tiny toddler was pushing a little chair as a baby walker over the wooden floor making a nails on blackboard sound for ages.

There are so many shitty parts of parenting IMO, I can’t see why anyone can even be bothered to make it worse for someone by being judgy

If you had texted me this I'd have genuinely thought that you are the dick. How do you know what they were playing? Maybe the girl had mentioned kale soup earlier or maybe they were going to have it for lunch and she wanted to prepare her dd for that, or maybe it was an insider joke or who knows what. (My dd loves kale by the way.)

It just shows how nonsensical this whole performance parenting is. It sounds like it was just your family ahd this mum and dd so whom was she performance parenting for? On a grey rainy morning? And you gave her a wide birth so you literally know nothing about her except that she said one phrase containing kale. I mean surely you can see that it was you who was the dick here?

Oh I have been accused of this before.

I have ADHD and suspected Autism - going through the process of that diagnosis at the moment. I also went to drama school. I find it very hard to regulate my volume, especially when loud because I’m not always aware of it.

Add in one very sweet but precocious AuDHD 6yo and a younger child who can only be described as feral, we do not stop talking between us. Loud is our go to volume.

Am I performing for anyone? As if.

Do I try and be quieter when we are out? Of course!

If we don’t manage do I actually give a toss? No you can jog on

Well, who gets to draw the line? I have never encountered performance parenting so my middle ground is probably your performance parenting.

Also, if you believe that performance parenting is a thing the dichotomy is not ignoring kids vs performance parenting. The dichotomy would be 'ignoring kids vs over parenting' or alternatively 'performance parenting vs performance ignoring'. Performance parenting according to the definition someone posted can include ignoring or neglecting a child so this whole thing just doesn't make any sense.

I enjoy judging others as much as the next person and I'm judging the people on this thread quite hard right now but I would like to think that most parents are just trying to do the best they can for their kids rather than impress the strangers around them.

As i said..i just don't get the nastiness. I mean just imagine a tired, frazzled and insecure mum (or dad though it's usually the mums who get all this lovely judgment directed at them) trying to be a good parent and talking to their kids maybe a bit too loudly or a bit too randomly and then having someone roll their eyes at them and making them even more insecure and unsure of themselves.

Cannot bear performance parenting! In our local park there is a wee little playhouse with a window, kids usually pretend to be running an ice cream stall and adults dutifully play along etc. Around five years ago I was there on a grey rainy morning, one other mum and her little girl were there. Mum began asking the girl if she would like to buy some ‘yummy kale soup’ from the hut window.

Usually I’ll natter to any parents at the park, but I must admit I gave her a wide berth that morning and messaged a few Mum friends about what a dick she was 🙈

But in order to do that you'd have to start performance parenting, and given the poster you're replying to clearly doesn't understand what it is, and has shown absolutely no examples of it, what would be the point?

I'm starting to think some people are just being willfully ignorant as to what PP actually is.

Which is fine but I don't get why they'd take part in a thread on a subject they don't understand, and refuse to learn about.

This used to annoy me too. Then my youngest came along with severe hearing issues. Getting help has been a nightmare and she's still on the waiting list for a procedure, so I probably sound like I'm performance parenting in public when I'm just speaking to her loudly because she can't hear otherwise.

That said, I get easily annoyed by parents who just have to one - up others with their child's achievements. "Oh your DC read a book this week? My DC read seven and then wrote their own novel."

I had that as well - answering my kids questions.

Admittedly one time it was on a normal weather doumentary that I'd just left on TV after something else but was a surpise hit with the kids. I couldn't do much more than reference the TV show - and promise to look up later - I don't know my cloud types.

I have encountered performance parenting and it is loud and annoying and usually ends with tantruming kids or kids running off - it's not really about the child curiosity or wanting to teach them - it's the disinterested audience it's all aimed at.

But many don't know the difference - apparently me bring a book to keep a child quiet while waiting for older child - was also performative rather than a pratcical distraction. Said to me straight faced every week while their kid was running up and down screaming hitting others picking fights and destoying anything they could - clearly mine sitting quietly bothreing no-one including me was the problem.

I get what you're saying but one thing being annoying doesn't necessarily make another thing less annoying.

I find PP more amusing than annoying to be honest.

Although the downside is it can be very stressful for the child to grow up having to join in with the performance, or feeling they're not really anything like the child their parents want to 'display' to strangers.

Same! And I find this thread really sad. But I won't be changing! Let's meet up and make everyone in the cafe rage.

I fully understand what performance parenting is but I dispute that it's really an issue. In 7 years of parenting I can probably count on one hand the amount of times I've thought somebody is being a performance parent or found their interactions with their child irritating. Parents who's little darlings are completely menacing a softplay/supermarket/birthday party whilst their 'parent' barely even looks up from their phones however.... very regular occurance and far more annoying imo

This is really, really sad. I'm a reception teacher and people do this becayse they feel nervous or insecure around professionals and want to show that they are trying their best and you call them pathetic. Shame on you.

I remember being in a Surrey Lidl and a woman came in with a small baby and announced loudly - "oh I KNOW we shop at Waitrose but there's something I need to get here that I just CAN'T get there. Sorry, we'll be a little while as I don't know where ANYTHING is here". I mean, I love it when you hear a snippet of really natural chatter between child and carer but you really can tell when it's performative!

Because

I actually know what performance parenting is, unlike some on this thread, who are just bumping their gums and refusing to Google the subject.

I've worked around parents and children in National Trust properties long enough to be able to spot them a mile off with complete confidence. Believe me, they're like security lights and 'switch on' the second a member of staff walks by, so we can all hear how clever 10 month old Tarquin is because he pointed to a famous painting - never mind the fact he also pointed to the door, the ceiling and the soggy crisp stuck to his buggy.

The modern equivalent of 'handing out tickets' is gathering followers on social media, where they can performance parent on a much larger scale.

I really don't think you understand what it actually is, do you?

You are me 🤣

I must look like that parent in the swimming pool as I taught them to swim myself. Tried council lessons but he couldn't hear a word and just did his own thing.

I know I must sound like a fish wife at times but when they don't hear otherwise you get used to volume! Can't say I've ever whipped out the spelling cards or discussed the reformation with him though

I went bowling last night and omg, encountered the loudest woman in Scotland. It wasn't a performance she was just v v loud and her son was also v v loud as a result of the v v loud mum.
I just thought, their poor neighbours 😂

Mother with 3/4-yr old child behind me in interminable queue at H&M this morning - half term and 1 member of staff. Convo goes like this:
Child - the teddy you got me is lovely mummy!
Loud Mummy - yes it is and thank you for acknowledging what I did for you.
Child - I'm hungry!
Loud Mummy - you had crepes for breakfast, you need to think before you speak and choose your words more carefully.
Child - (stamps foot and starts to whine)
Quieter Mummy - I'll get you a Gregg's sausage roll after this....

And how do you know they are performance parents? Are they handing out tickets to announce their show? If they aren't then you are probably just assuming stuff.

I just don't like this nastiness. It's unnecessary.

FFS. Always this kind of comment.

You do realise there’s a middle ground?

100% this

I talk to my children because it’s so much better than giving them a screen or ignoring them whilst I’m on mine. Couldn’t care less who is listening and I’m certainly not paying attention to anyone else. If a parent can replay the convo of another person interacting with their children then they aren’t paying enough attention to their own!

Do people have nothing better to do than listen to private conversations

They're far from private, which is one of the main points.

Why do you think you are so important that anyone would put up a performance for you??

They're putting the performance on for anyone and everyone, who has the misfortune to be nearby.

Why do you think anyone cares what you think of them?? And cares enough to change the way they talk and interact with their kids.

Because they're performance parents. The whole point is they care what others think of their performance, and they want others to think they're shit hot at parenting and their child is an absolute prodigy.

Think 'influencer' but without the internet and that's pretty much it really.

It's all fake but it makes them feel better if they look good.

I'd have been quite tempted to join in and also start an argument about whether "the mummies on the bus go chatter chatter chatter" is sexist. 😅