Loud parenting in public spaces

I talk to my kids like this because its good for their development. Not at a high volume but in that sort of way which I think some might think is performance parenting. I do it at home alone too and I couldn't give 2 shits what random strangers think when I talk to my children in public.

My 3 year old has an excellent vocabulary and is great at identifying needs and emotions. Might be nothing to do with the way I talk to her but we have lovely conversations so ima keep doing what I'm doing 😊

I don’t mind other people engaging with their children (however loudly) unless it obstructs other people. I could see someone describing my interactions as performance parenting but they wouldn’t know anything about my motivations or circumstances.

I suspect that I wouldn’t respect the opinion of someone so judgmental anyway. Parents get criticized no matter what.

Couldn’t agree more - to me that’s just a mother trying to positively reinforce how wonderful vegetables are to her kid. I don’t feed my kids ice cream yet as my toddler isn’t even two so I also tend to use examples from his real life instead of ice cream.

This is a fucking horrible thread, especially as it’s clearly making some decent parents feel self-conscious about engaging with their children.

And texting your Mum friends to tell them you think another mother is a dick is probably the twattiest thing I’ve read in over a decade on MN.

I don't think that talking to your child is performance parenting. It's when it's done at the top of your voice whilst glancing around to check that everyone around you is admiring you.

Don’t let threads like this make you think you need to explain yourself. This sounds like very engaged parenting which is very good for children.

Wow - brutal thread. I’m constantly chatting to my toddler repeating what he’s done or said back to him because he likes the affirmation that he’s been understood and it’s supposed to help them with language acquisition - and I’m probably reasonably loud so he can hear me on busy roads etc. Luckily I mostly don’t care what other people think of my parenting so I’ll keep doing it - but interesting to know that the takeaway from most people when they hear parents talking to their kids nicely is that they are “performance parenting”. I’d be shocked if many parents have the energy to fake parent their children just to impress random strangers with their level of engagement.

Example 1 seems fine. The parent was congratulating the child. What makes this performance parenting? Example 2 seems a bit performative but might just be their usual manner.

How can you tell the difference between the parent engaging with their child and performance parenting? Is it just the volume?

I am usually surprised by how little parents engage with their children in public. Speaking to a kid in a louder and more sing song voice than usual seems completely reasonable for young children.

After reading this thread I’m now thinking the world probably thinks I’m performance parenting anytime I’m out with my toddler- I’m a very impulsive ADHD brained person, and I’m often loudly and excitably talking about anything and everything to my child 😂

We even went to an art gallery the other day and discussed all the paintings (in toddler terms), but only because HE asked to go and loves looking at art 🤣 I never knew this was something people around me might be judging

A mother interacted with her daughter (shock horror!!!) buy playing at cafes and you took such offence that you decided to text your Mum’s network about it?!?!? Wow.

It’s not performance parenting though is it. It’s just not being a miserable parent who shouts at their kids. This is how parents are supposed to be.

i parent my kids this way and would much prefer to demonstrate “performance parenting” then being a miserable bastard who can’t tolerate happy families. Yawn

Had this on a train recently. Couple plus 2 yr old got on, v busy carriage.Child "What dat?" on repeat as they do. Both parents "that's a WINDOW/ DOOR/ COAT..." v loudly, coupled with extra info for all.OK Fine. DH happened to look up in their direction as we'd left a suitcase near the exit as no storage anywhere so was keeping an eye. They then launched into a monologue of how he should be more tolerant of 2 year olds (that was the jist of it). Then sarcastically wished him a good day and told him to smile as they got off.
Trouble is, he's deaf, was reading and hadn't registered any of this, plus he's mostly in a world of his own! I was in a seat across the aisle so just observed, bemused. I didn't bother telling him.

But to balance things up, a family in Eurostar waiting area, boy of about 4, girl about 6, sat nearby. Mum produced 2 small boxes (playmobil), children both said "wow!" and their mum then helped the younger one sort the bits. No fuss, no drama and it was lovely to see.

Urgh, SO MANY of these people in the space center on Tuesday.

"where would you like to sit James? (James is about two) well, no, not there as there will be seven of us eventually, can you count to seven James? ONE, TWO, THREE........"

Why are you asking a two year old in a busy cafe where they want to sit if you need to find seating for SEVEN people?

And so many who allow a tiny person to tyrant their day. A young woman stood to eat her food because her nephew didn't want" aunty maddy" to sit in the only available seat. Her sister and the other two adults in the group allowed this. I mean, honestly!

Well, I’ll ask you and the OP then where in her post she gave anything close to an example of performance parenting. You and your ability to Google tell us that performance parenting is:
Seeking External Validation
Presenting an Idealized Image
Neglecting Child's Needs
Potential for Stress and Anxiety

I see none of this is the OP’s post. The OP is perhaps being rather intolerant of certain rather non-events. You are desperately trying to prove something you appear to think is cleverness. It isn’t. It’s slightly unpleasant, rather silly and ultimately extremely dull.

Parents and children are always in the wrong, whatever they do. That's a given.

The sooner we go the way of South Korea and abolish children, the better.

I am in the minority on here, but I much prefer a child headphoned and plugged into a device on public transport to one being actively engaged through "I spy" and similar delights.

Though personally I wouldn't just ban kids from public spaces, I'd also ban dogs (they bark and brush against my legs), cyclists (swoosh past and expect you to move for them, the twats, and get annoyed with small children dawdling on footpaths), tourist groups (obvious), pensioners (move too slowly, talk too loudly and, if lost, have the temerity to ask for directions rather than checking on their smartphones), foxes (rip open bins), workmen (block the road and create dust) and middle-aged women (one looked at me the wrong way the other day).

Once they're all safely locked in the basement, I might just be able to enjoy a bit of peace.

I've never heard of the phrase performative parenting before but it seems like just another stick to beat parents with. You really can't win as a parent sometimes. Make sure you engage with your children, but make sure you don't do it loudly enough for others to hear otherwise they'll think you're just putting on a show. Oh but also don't look at your phone for even a second because then you'll be neglecting them 🙄 Parenting is bloody tough - we should be supporting each other not judging the shit out of each other for actually interacting with our kids.

YABU. I’m partially deaf, so have sometimes have trouble moderating the loudness of my speech especially if outside or in a public area (when competing with other sounds- I’m not talking about in a library or someplace that obviously needs to be whisper quiet).

I’m sorry if my communicating with my child upsets you but comments like yours are really ableist. And it’s not always obvious which parents have problems with their hearing - I just hope everyone’s not as judgemental as you.

This is not quite the 'clever gotcha' you seem to imagine in your head?

There is no point in people discussing a subject they really don't understand and stubbornly refusing to Google it.

The OP didn't mention PP and later said that's what she meant.

But given the OP has taken part in this thread very minimally, the conversation moved quickly on.

I'm not sure if you spotted that?

It’s a spectrum isn’t it? At one end overly loud voiced performance parenting that imposes itself on others notice unnecessarily and at the other the sad sight of a neglected baby or toddler left to amuse itself or whine on its own or being babysat with a device while parent ignores it completely whilst enthralled by their own phone.

We all like to think that we’re somewhere in the middle .,,,;I enjoyed hearing a young Australian man chatting to his toddler son on the bus the other day. He wasn’t overly loud - it was just nice to see the interaction rather than another person gazing at a phone.

You would probably consider me a performance parent. I have an RP accent and a voice that carries. I also have an autistic child with severe speech delay who needs very clear, direct instructions.

On behalf of us both I sincerely apologise for our existence 🙄.

I think I sound exactly like your first example. Narrating what my child is doing, praising him, repeating myself. He's 7 years old and largely non verbal autistic. Perhaps you should make sure you know the circumstances before you judge or even better mind your own business.

I was in Co-op last night and there was a dad in there who had possibly the loudest voice on planet Earth.

He wasn't even especially tall, shorter than me, but his voice was just booming and carried. And just to make it worse, he kept up a running commentary with his son on everything they were buying, trying to buy, or even had in stock at home.

I was trying to work out what I wanted for dinner and he was walking up and down with his son, maybe aged about 8? "Sausages? There's lots of sausages here but we have sausages at home. And we're going to have sausages for breakfast so we'll just have burgers. And mushrooms. The mushrooms are here. Let's get a pack of mushrooms...."

Pause.

"BURGER CHEESE!" shouted triumphantly while putting it into his basket.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with what he was doing. But dear god, he was so very loud. Worth mentioning I'm autistic so not great with noise anyway.

It got me thinking, I wonder what would happen if you got talking online through a dating app and then met up and found out that this fairly innocuous looking man had a voice worthy of Thor himself. Imagine a date, or even sex 😂 Would you get used to the booming?

I don't think I could cope with a voice that loud 😂

At what point does it become performative parenting instead of engaging with your child if they’re talking about something or trying to help your child talk?
I talk and narrate my 19 month old’s activity when we’re out and about, speaking very clearly so he can pick up the different sounds I’m making because he’s a bit slower on speech, but I also do it at home and there’s no one I’m ‘performing’ to there!

Talking and engaging with your kids in a normal tone of voice = GOOD

Behaving like your auditioning for a "super fun" children's TV show = TWATTY