Loud parenting in public spaces

Oh 🙄 I know the type , performance parenting .
i like seeing parents chat to their kids and quietly encourage them though

Going on a ferry to France some years ago. We got on the ferry, found some seats on the deck and settled in to watch the trip out of the Solent. Performance parents arrived with Félix (about 8) and Lucinda (about 6). Squeezed right in front of us so their legs were against our knees and all we could now see was their bums, and blathered on in very loud voices about how “Mummy and Daddy actually met when they were sailing, darling, isn’t that lovely” and “look darling, there’s a sailing ship” with a full blown explanation of how the wind made the boat move. Félix then started trying to sit on the seat I was actually sitting on, and then moved my daughter’s bag off the seat (she’d put it next to her - she was about 10) and climbed over it to get away from the railing. Mummy and Daddy had a loud pass/agg moan about how there weren’t any seats left for them and kept looking back at us and making sure they were completely blocking our view with their bums about six inches from our faces.
My eyes are still rolling and it must have been 2016.

In my experience the difference between performative parents and a parent just engaging with their child (whether loudly or at a normal volume) is about who they make or seek eye contact with.

A normal parent engaging with their child is solely focused on the child I.e. making eye contact with the child and totally oblivious to anyone around them whether quietly or loudly. They are clearly just enjoying spending time with their child.

Performative parents nearly always interact with their child whilst constantly looking around to see who is watching and making eye contact with other people to make sure they are being watched. They also always speak in an manner that is not natural or conversational and is clearly used to get attention from others and they always do it LOUDLY.

Yes it does. Parent loudly proclaims child's prowess to all and sundry. It's a performing art.

So what? That still doesn't make it performance parenting.

I find threads like this and complaints about “performance parenting” really weird. Why on earth would you assume that someone is praising their kids’ Lego for your benefit and not err the kids’? How unlikely is it that a mother is only replying to her two year old because someone is listening in (is she going to ignore him/her otherwise)? It is totally normal to praise Lego building and talk to your toddler. These are absolutely not things that parents don’t do when no one is watching. I strongly feel that if you think the only reason a parent would praise their child is to get praise themselves that is firmly your own issue.

I can't help your lack of reading ability, and this situation is one I actually once overheard, when I was in in the checkout queue in Hitchin Wilko some years ago.

The examples of performance parenting are just getting more and more stupid. Putting it in caps doesn't change anything except making it harder to read by the way.🙄

Didn’t read every post

If you've got this far in the thread you should have an idea by now.

Child sees pretty ornament in shop and wants parent to buy it. Parent agrees and says: "YES OF COURSE YOU CAN HAVE IT DARLING, YOU CAN PUT IT ON THE TABLE BY THE PIANO IN THE MUSIC ROOM AS A REWARD FOR PRACTICING YOUR VIOLA SO HARD FOR TWO HOURS EVERY DAY".

What is performance parenting

I have been definitely encountered parents putting on their loudest, poshest voice to talk to their children in ways that seem quite stilted when out and a bit in public. And it does seem at times like a show of superiority.

But reading through this thread, it strikes me that maybe my judgments have been a bit harsh and we should really try and give other parents the benefit of the doubt. It can be bloody hard parenting at times, exhausting, lonely and isolating- maybe people just go up a gear, any way they know how, to get through the day!

I have a one year old, I am a pretty quiet person but I have definitely sung to her in public places and got over enthusiastic encouraging her at times, I don't get out much 😁Sorry not sorry.

oh and I am in perimenopause too so, yeah, don't fit neatly in either box.

This is a completely normal interaction with your DC and not anywhere in the realm of a performance for an imagined audience.

If other people genuinely can’t tell the difference between interacting with DC and a performance intended for every adult in the vicinity (given practically 50:50 voting), it seems we’ll have to put up with a lot more of it, unfortunately.

Performance parenting doesn't involve narrative or engaging with your child in an interested manner. It's over-loud, 'look at me' showboating, purely for the benefit of anyone who's unlucky enough to be in the vicinity.

What? we should just stand there while being muttered about? Nah. The worst behaviour in public has never been from women and children, but every fucker thinks they can comment. It's picking what seems like an easy target. It's for everyone on the receiving end to not make it easy.

I haven't read the entire thread but nahhh!

People probably think I'm like this with my son but he's got learning disability and NEEDS over the top engagement and repetition to encourage his speech and understanding.

My mum was a teacher, and a loud/outgoing person. So I adopted the same style, commentating on everything.

My ex used to hate it with my older kids though. I think he saw it as annoying and told me a few times. My new husband loves how I am and has never criticised my tone of voice.

If you're too much for someone, they're probably not the right person for you is what I've heard (and believe). You do you!

I've never heard of performance parenting before, what a great turn of phrase!

I used to talk to my babies - TBH they gave non verbal and noises back very early on -partly for company partly to make sure they picked up on language as early as possible.

I also did that thing where you do several sentances with same word in - ie bus we're on a bus, it a big bus isn't it - it's your first bus - because repeating words serval times in context is how they picked words up or repeating them back even if others couldn't work out the words yet. Also DS had intermittent glue ear - so sometime needed louder clearer voice.

I have SEN/ND condition and needed speach therapy as a child but was told during dsylexia diagonsis my wide vocbabulary had undoubtedly pulled me though many difficulties. My kids spoke early and had wide vocabulary - still do - so worked for us.

I think difference between that and rare perforance parenting I've seen is I was interacting with children not at them - so when they'd have enough I'd stop - most perforamce parenting I've seen end in tears and trantrums as it's not about the kids.

However so many on here are just dissing normal parenting.

I did this too! Sometimes it was the only opportunity to talk from 7am until half past 5! I used to sing in the park with my son whilst pushing him in the pram!
i think people forget that, though I’m not a fan of performance parenting to the point people hear because it’s deliberate.

Your kids are much older. Mine are 1 & 3 and would want me to say that first comment, saying how amazing a tower isn’t performance parenting.

It is, because the difference is that those women have some semblance of self awareness.
It’s also very judgemental to assume that perimenopause symptoms are something you can always control. If you are not perimenopause you have no right to say this, if you are and don’t suffer don’t assume it impacts others like it impacts you.
I find PP mindblowing because it’s such a contrast to the way children were raised 40/50 years ago and I don’t know why we can’t have a happy medium, but ultimately it is extremely irritating because often it’s not authentic. And I believe children know that too.

What a bitchy thread!

For those who are getting slated for being a 'performance parent', you're doing amazing!

What a thoroughly depressing thread. My husband an I talk to our five-month-old constantly, both when we are at home and when we're out pushing her in her pram. I have been told by so many midwives, health visitors and other childcare professionals how important it is to talk to your baby, even while pregnant, and not just baby talk, actually talking to them in a normal voice too.
Of course we're not deluded, we know she can't understand what we're actually saying to her, but we believe it makes her feel included, exposes her to language and interaction and helps keep us sane too! We also sing to her a lot, sometimes silly made up songs like when we're changing her nappy or soothing pop songs when trying to get her to go to sleep as she seems to respond well to music.
She's a very expressive baby, always gurgling, cooing and blowing raspberries when we talk to her so I do think it's helping her development. I had no idea that people in the park might be judging us for chatting to our baby. I think some people must just go around trying to find totally innocuous things which have no impact on their lives to get irritated by.

I can sometimes seem like I’m performance parenting I think, but DS has profound SEND and is non-verbal so there’s a lot of silence to fill and I have no way of knowing for sure what he understands or want he is interested in so I feel like I have to cover all my bases!