To ground DD for a week

Physically attacking people is unacceptable.

the issue in question is whether the punishment will mean she stops doing it/is less likely to do it again.

it sounds like she was back from the school trip and you were expecting trouble as a result.

if she is autistic and it really is a meltdown then punishment won’t make it less likely to happen again.

the more obvious step if she is autistic is to remove the triggers - so conclude that the trip was too much for her and next time she doesn’t go.

i think you are right. She cannot attack you or anyone else. Unacceptable at her age and needs dealing with - she can’t head into young adult years attacking people because she can’t have what she wants.
It’s not you mil business. She wasn’t the one missing a clump of hair.

I think what you are doing is fine, my boy has melt downs. Physically attacking anyone is unacceptable regardless of SEN. He can have a meltdown, he can get angry, but he doesn’t get to break things in the house or attack anyone. As parent you need to prepare children for the world, they can’t attack people when they are adults without consequences. So they need to learn that it is unacceptable as children. Tell your MIL to back the fuck off, she doesn’t have to deal with it 24/7.

What about the safety of the friends? If the melt down and violence is uncontrollable then the friends, too, are in danger. If overstimulation is an issue—the excuse—then screens are contraindicated.

I think if you do believe her to be on the spectrum then you need to be pushing for an assessment because if she is, then yes YABU for punishing her for something that is possibly entirely out of her control.

If she is NT & behaving like this to be a spoilt brat then yes, absolutely punish.

If she is ND though it is not that simple and you’d be punishing her for something she possibly has no control over- you wouldn’t punish a child in a wheelchair for not walking or a blind child for not being able to see.

I would suggest ensuring her needs are met so she doesn’t reach that point.

Are you suggesting that grounding her will stop it from happening? Because if yes then she is in control and it isn’t an autistic melt down. Decide what this is. Is this about helping her regulating her emotions and being ok or punishing her?

We’re generally non-reactive to DS meltdowns but he does have a consequence for hitting. He has 24 hours no phone/computer, no negotiation. The hitting has reduced so he is learning to control lashing out physically. After a meltdown if he has hit out then he generally acknowledges and apologises.

What was hard to learn as a parent was that dealing out punishments during the meltdown made things worse.

I have 2 teens with asd. Raising hands is something I have never dealt with. But mil isn't raising your dc.
Can't get past you stroking her hair for 2 hours.. Has she any respect for you usually? Seems not. Imo.

Withdrawing before it gets to that stage?

Of course physical violence isn't acceptable. But in a true autistic meltdown they have gone beyond the point of controlling themselves, so punishment after the event isn't going to change behaviour. Or at least that is my understanding.

Different answer here than the rest it seems.

I have an ASD son whos a bit younger, but just because he has ASD, doesnt mean he cant be badly behaved in general or "push his luck" so to speak.

A lot of ASD kids will chance their bad behaviour if their parents use ASD etc as an excuse for it, over and over again.

DS used to hit me. He's a big boy for his age and it was doing some damage - black eyes, scratches, bruises. I was basically being beaten by my own child.

I had to start punishing for these meltdowns, as they were becoming more and more frequent. He started to think it was acceptable to act like this any time he got upset, irritated etc.

Your DD is 13 and old enough to know that physical hitting is not ok. If you have already tried other approaches (which I think you said you had), then yes, grounding the child, taking away devices etc like you would with ANY OTHER CHILD is the right thing to do.

The association will soon become clear that reactions like this equals consequences for her. She will then be more receptive of other methods to calm and difuse a situation.

Dont pay any attention to GPs. Their opinions dont matter.

I’ve been there too - autistic girls can really look like spoiled brats who’ve been indulged by parents walking on eggshells. I get that too…

somethng is going on with her she’s not coping with.

all I’ll say is punishments never ever worked, they escalated it and her anxiety. Although as I said I’d have done the same actions for the fact that she’s burning out for her sake re phone and reducing social stress.

you’re not alone, I know it feels like that…grandparents aren’t there and don’t understand how awful it feels to be attacked by your child.

If it was a true autistic meltdown then could she actually help herself in the minute? That impacts whether a consequence is warranted in my opinion.

You understand that if she is on the spectrum, Grounding, stopping her seeing her friends & taking her devices away wont stop the meltdowns / anger, Dont you?

Yes my elder dd was like that would actively attack when melting down - very horrible you and dh must both feel really worn out and sad. Very hard too as so much meltdown advice is ‘leave them alone, reduce demands’ - hard when they’re coming after you and won’t leave you alone….

And you think grounding will alter this?

I do agree but you have to understand that very often a lot of punishment language can invoke more meltdowns, so it has really got to be about why did this happen, what were the steps and what can you/we/school do so that you can regulate better.

Whist clearly all acknowledging this was unacceptable behaviour and made you really upset and hurt. If your dd loves you, she already feels awful about what she’s done.

“I've canceled her friends coming over this weekend as a punishment, and removed her phone and all access to other devices.”

For how long have you removed her devices? I would have thought cancelling her friends would have been enough: why does she need to be grounded as well? Of course it’s unacceptable for you to be used as a punch bag - has she apologised? I agree that there needs to be some sanction for such behaviour, but neither too draconian nor too long-lasting.

I agree with you OP. I think we do children a disservice when we stand back and let them have these meltdowns with no consequences. They need to learn that adults in society can't just flip out whenever they want. I'm sure loads will say the opposite though because it's the trend du jour and god help us when they're all adults still behaving like this.