Calling out my mum’s bad presents?

I never buy presents unless I have been specifically told what to buy (or given options on a list). Trying to think of what an adult, especially one you don’t live with, would like is too time consuming and stressful. I don’t know why people put that task onto themselves.

You could be describing my SIL in personality but that is going to hit extremely hard as a mother. It is essentially like a bit of narcissism that she hasn’t grown out of. Only able to think about herself basically. It is very tough for a child to grow up with that because God knows all of the adults around SIL are affected by her behaviour not to mind being a child. Honestly I think awareness and distance are the only things that help. They are incapable of changing. They stoped developing as teenagers and the narcissist traits come from even earlier. There is no where to go except acceptance.

My mum doesn’t buy me stuff I like too… I told her not to and give me the money instead.

Have you tried telling her what you would like for your birthday? email her the make, part no. and colour six weeks before your birthday or Christmas. Say 'mum, I really want this for my birthday'

If she still gets it wrong, she's doing it on purpose, so I'd reduce contact.

I think a lot of the rubbish gift givers (my SiL is one) buy to budget, not for the person. So for example she would set a budget of £15 and go out shopping for something that cost £15. The only filter would be man, woman or child. She would find an item, any item, for that amount, for a woman and buy that. Job done. It’s a tick-box exercise. People like this are incapable of understanding that that’s not how to do gift-giving and that’s why they’re offended when they don’t get the response they want. They’ve taken the time (their time) and spent (their) money so you should be grateful.

Oh and my late mother would take presents back if she didn’t feel you were grateful enough.
she would explode with rage and not speak to you for weeks as well as constantly threatening to write you out of her will over very trivial matters. She would always ask me why I wasn’t wearing her very expensive presents.I had to make up stories to keep her quiet.
If was about control. I lived in a state of terror most of them time in case she got angry.
i wanted the will though so put up with it.

YABVU not to provide a photo of the lizard jumper.

It could be your style is very bad and she wants to help you?

I do think lots of people but things that they think are nice.

I would feel uncomfortable buying something that I thought looked hideous for someone (even if it was their style and thought what I wore looked hideous).

It’s difficult to say if it’s simply her trying to be kind but being a bit narrow sighted or if she’s being controlling.

Could you not ask for money instead?
Say you want to get your hair done or are saving for a holiday etc and would prefer money to go towards that.

Or say I’ve seen a lovely top, can you buy it for my birthday.

YNBU,but some people can not buy presents. My mum refuses to buy presents as she says she hates trying to choose and will always get it wrong, for everyone. She can't seem to grasp the concept of buying for another persons tastes. Anyway, she now says to us to choose a gift up to a certain amount depending on her budget that year (usually between 50 and 150) and this year I asked for a hair cut.
Can you suggest to your mum that from now in you do something like that or say, mum this year I dont want a gift, can we go to the theatre, or I really need my nails done.

My mum and I have an odd relationship. I love her but she can be quite controlling whilst also acting like a bit of a victim at the same time. She’ll say something very insulting and then get upset if you respond. She’s also quite selfish and in her own world all the time but expects you to be there at the drop of a hat. My older brother has gone completely no contact with her for this reason but I’m trying to keep the peace.

OP this is your actual problem, not the shit gifts. The gifts are a symptom of it but they're not the real issue, which is that your mum is a dickhead and you don't feel loved by her.

"Calling out the presents" will do sod all to solve anything. Your mum will go into full victim mode and cry, you'll have a massive argument and you'll feel shit for ages afterwards. The presents won't improve and nor will her behaviour.

The only thing that will help the situation is if you accept that this is who she is and for the love of god stop bending over backwards to "keep the peace". This may require therapy to come to terms with the fact that you're not going to get the warm, loving, maternal relationship with her that you understandably crave. But really, you should be seeing what your brother's done as an example to yourself.

You're trying to keep the peace, but it's not working. You are not peaceful but knotted up inside. Stuff like this has to go somewhere, at the moment you're absorbing it. Your, brother is keeping the peace by going no contact, no drama and at peace with himself

It's not about the stuff, it's the sentiment
I tried everything, for years. My DF actively told other family members not to buy vouchers or give cash as I'd only 'buy things for my house', well yes, I like doing that.
I have had some right shockers, some very similar to what OP describes. Because it's the hurt if not being 'known at all' by a supposed loved one that hurts.
But then on my 40th, I was slung £50 to my bank, with no message. When she found out about all the really thoughtful gifts from friends and family, she panic ordered a rose bush. Actually quite a thoughtful gift, especially with the name it has. Except that we were about to leave in a 3 week holiday and it was one of our summer heatwaves here. So I was on my hands and knees at 10pm, a few hours before a flight, planting a rose bush so it wouldn't die.

I can sympathise too. My parents did this and it also hurt my feelings, felt like they didn’t know me or even care that much.
As a child most my presents were books, I did like to read but when you get 15 presents and 13 of them are books it was a bit disappointing and felt lazy on their part. And now as an adult, the worst was when they bought me a fountain pen for my 30th - the most random rubbish gift. If I worked in an office maybe it would make sense but I’m a stay at home mum - some jewellery, perfume, a day out, literally anything but a fountain pen??

OP we have the same mother! She briefly stopped this after I told her I had bagged up the unwanted clothing and dropped them off at a charity shop. She then switched to buying random perfume even though I've used the same one for several years...

@Rhinestonerhi this was my mum. She would buy really expensive stuff for me- not clothes, but jewellery- it was her style =flamboyant and loud. It was not mine at all. If used to make me sad that she either didn’t know me well enough or that she didn’t care. She certainly had enmeshment issues with me. I have had years of therapy to try and get over the damage done.

It’s not the present it’s what the present symbolises which is that she can’t be arsed and she does not see op as an autonomous person. I sympathise op , I have similar.

Maybe suggest that you stop doing presents going forward?

My parents are awful gift givers. I think it’s partly because they are convinced that presents should be “something a bit different” which inevitably means they’re not something the recipient will actually like.

I’m used to it now and either give them very, very specific suggestions (i.e. I send them a link to what I want) or just accept that I’ll need to take everything they buy me to the charity shop.

To be fair I don’t think they are particularly impressed with the presents I buy them either! We just don’t seem to be on the same wavelength when it comes to this.

Return them.

Tell her they are ridiculous and to get her money back.

For my 40th, my mum gave me 40 small presents. She had gone round her house finding random things such as a button, a badge, a mug she had (badly) made and a shell. She thought it was a fun project and she clearly enjoyed rummaging through her possessions. I was so taken aback I didn't know what to say. Shopping was never her favourite activity and she was starting to lose her sight, to be fair.

I can’t believe no one has mentioned ‘Narcissist’ yet. Mumsnet standards are slipping!

This.

Preemptively tell her you dont want any gifts anymore. Any gifts.

Those "gifts" are insane. I wouldnt give then to someone I dislike! 🫠

I would stop buying presents for each other as it gives her a chance to be unpleasant to you. Just say no more presents and if she gives you one let her see you put it straight in the bin unopened. Never open them.

I just ask my adult DCs what they want and they ask me -sometimes with the occasional chocs or flowers.easy

What do you buy for her?

it seems passive aggressive to me, like she is trying to show you that she doesn’t care about what you think so she will enjoy herself doing as she pleases (or push it further) even if it annoys you.

Please find some satisfaction and bring some balance to yourself by putting the gifts in the wheelie bin as soon as you get home. If she doesn’t give a shit, neither should you. No need to have reminders around of her lack of care or trying to find them a home.