Calling out my mum’s bad presents?

My MIL is like this. It's so hard as she also does it for both boys too so our house is constantly filled with crap. I try and donate and give away to charity as much as possible.

She tries to give me clothes of hers that she doesn't want or didn't suit her. She's a size 22 and I'm a size 14! So she'll hand me these dresses or tops and say oh this wasn't quite my style if you'd like to have them? She's just too lazy to take them back to the shop (still have receipts on them) then I get lumbered with them. It's very annoying and I can't criticise as it's MIL.

My mum bought me over the counter herbal sleeping tablets for Christmas last year…!

My Ex H only buys our kids things he likes. Luckily there are areas their interests coincide, so he usually gets them things they both like. If we had a child who he shared no interests with, he would not be capable of putting himself in their shoes and buying them something they like but he has no interest in.

He is autistic and his expression is at the extreme end. To him, there are no experiences but his own. He is not cognitively capable of understanding his sons do not like something he does. The only way to experience it, is the way he does.

If his son’s ever rejected a present he would also be very wounded and upset. Because the only feelings that exist to him are his own.

Could your Mum be like this?

I have a relative who does this. They just keep doing it despite it being said many times that gifts are not necessary, suggesting going out for a meal and spending time together instead to avoid them wasting their money again. They don’t seem to grasp that it’s unreasonable to expect someone to be grateful for something they didn’t ask for and don’t want. In fact what they are actually doing is making me feel bad for my birthday! Still don’t get it, never will. Now I either give them a specific list of things that I would like (which I hate doing as it feels grabby) or I just say thank you, then give the gift away or charity shop it.

To avoid whining shit like that I always photograph and send a picture of what I intend to buy to my dc with a message - want this? This way I eliminate ungratefulness and obviously, the collateral damage is that there is bugger all surprise.

People saying ‘some people are bad at gifts’ are missing the point.

op I’ve got a daughter your age. She doesn’t have loads of money so gifts matter to her. So I ask her what she wants. Sometimes we shop together and that’s lovely but she chooses.

if I got her something she didn’t need or like and told me I’d say ‘ah sorry maybe that ones for me - what would you like instead or shall we swap it…’

that is normal people who like each other and get on. Your mum doing the sulking act is being a narc

My mother was like this. Would buy me things she liked, was constantly nagging me to buy clothes in her favourite shop which was far too old for me. Eventually she went to cheques. I see it like the Op as not really knowing me as a person in my own right. Far too self absorbed .

She also weaponised gifts. If you upset her the value went right down. I don't miss her at all (NC).

I also agree with this but it often takes time to build up to this. It's a rubbish club to belong to!

OP you need to get over this.

You don't have the power to make your mother suddenly start giving you thoughtful gifts.
We don't get to choose our mothers and we can't change them.
I have a very unsupportive mother, she usually gives me Bayliss and Harding stuff, or cutsie stuffed toys ( I am in my 60s).

Lessen the emotional connection to your mothers gift choices- that is under your control.
Look at other ways too- could you agree a financial limit on gifts perhaps.

Otherwise you have to suck it up. I have accepted that my mother has no interest in who I really am- and that's ok with me.
I do donate unwanted stuff to charity shops or a local women's shelter.

OMG that's just horrible. I'm shocked. It almost sounds deliberately unkind. I'm sorry.

I clicked on this thinking it was about people getting things sllighly wrong but trying. I have sympathy with this because I'm not brilliant with this but fret endlessly about it. I buy experiences now. I don't mean hot air ballooning but something like tokens for a nice lunch/massage/afternoon tea which seem to have more margin for error.

OP you maybe have to give your mum a list of options or to give you the gift receipt as some of the things she buys are absolutely vile don't fit.

To perform the MN bingo, my mother does this. And she's a narcissist. It's not to say yours is by only this description, maybe this is the only way in which she manipulates. Most parents don't have children who find them so foul they have gone no contact though. And your mum already has one child no contact, and another on here taking about their mistreatment. That's not normal. And I suspect mistreatment being normalised has been a theme for so many years, it is your normal now.

I found your post so sad, because I know it runs so much deeper than this. The poking fun at how difficult you are you buy for, is not innocent fun, it's gaslighting. Because you know everyone else manages just fine. Yet she has to announce it, to make it clear to anyone present that you're the problem here, you know, like you usually are, but don't worry, here she is working around silly difficult little you like she's done her whole life, being the star she is.

The buying deliberately bad gifts then pearl clutching and turning on you if you call her out on what she full well knows she's done? Can you imagine doing that to your child? Now see how awful it is. We've just been conditioned by these people for so many years to think the way they behave is what any other mother does.

I'm taking the steps now, to remove myself. After decades of not living my life the way I should, always feeling "how will she judge me and ostracize me" and not making decisions that would have made me life so much better because of what she'd have to say about it, the penny has finally dropped. She's just a person. She's not a God or higher being. You owe her nothing. She's just made you feel like you owe her everything.

Start stepping away.

Am extension of collecting and hoarding maybe?

Your mum sounds like she has narcissistic tendencies or a personality disorder. My mum is the same and I had to go no contact for years.
The present giving thing is typical as everything has to be about them, not you. My mum would never buy me something I wanted or needed, only what she wanted to buy me which ended up being very expensive things I couldn’t use or want in my home. Funnily enough though when it was her birthday she would ask for what she wanted or return gifts to me that she didn’t like! She’d buy my brother gifts she knew I would have adored. It’s all about control and division and drama.

If you believe that she’s controlling….why give her the power to upset you like this?

Look at the effect that a jumper and some bedding has had on you. Can you see the control it has over your emotions?

You have to cut the emotional tie you have linked to the presents with your relationship with your mum. You’re using it as a proxy for all that is wrong in the relationship.

Who cares that it’s ugly bedding or jumper. Smile, say thanks and drop it off at the charity the next again day. Don’t feel any guilt over it. If you’ve asked her to stop buying ugly gifts but she continues, then feel no shame in getting rid of it.

Don’t let this have power over you. Dont like them, get rid of them. Think no more about it.

Your actual issue isn’t with the presents, it’s to do with the relationship with your mum but that will only improve when you realise she doesn’t have actual control over your emotions and life. Start by not giving a fuck about some shitty present and set yourself free from it.

YANBU, tell her that you’d prefer not to exchange gifts anymore.

I bet you you put a lot of thought into what you give her. Time to stop all of that.

Or just start buying her awful stuff as well.

As it’s all random stuff it sounds like she has just gone to the charity shop. YANBU and I would tell her to stop buying you presents.

My dad is like this. I’ve given up expecting anything I’ll like now. Still disappointing as I agree it’s hurtful when he gets it so wrong. Some years I have even told him what I want and the shop to go to and he still gets me something weird. It’s like he can’t really be bothered! Often he gets me things he knows I can’t eat because of allergies. One year he gave my mum a bucket wrapped in a bin bag!

What does she buy other people?

Yanbu. That's a poor show from her.
I am pretty crap at presents, compared to some people, but where my dc are concerned I always know their tastes and what they would like. It's a bit harder now they are away at uni (so I worry about getting them something they already have) but I love seeing things I think "dd/ds would love that!) Surely it's part of being a mum?

You say your Mum "knows" that you can't tolerate e.g. feel of sequins, that you never wear baby blue.

Can you get ahead of this and give her timely reminders of what you do actually like - indeed exactly what you would like - as a present?

It's easy to think people know and remember things about you. They don't necessarily, especially if there's something going on for them. I wonder if your Mum has a thing about gift giving and generosity going on? It's clear she wants to give, so if you can help her understand how to really give you something, you both win. But that will mean you being direct with her about what you want for this birthday/Christmas. It may take repeating a few times. Either she will respond or she won't, and then you re-evaluate.

I agree. For the older generation in particular(60/70/80) being particular about gifts is ungrateful/ demanding. I no longer have my lovely mum but she’d buy me something small but lovely like a beautiful China cup and saucer or a cushion. I still use them and think of her. We had similar taste so I was lucky. MIL on the other hand can’t let go of buying gifts even though I’ve said not to. She’ll buy me strawberry flavoured gin and I’m sure I’ve said I dislike sweet, fruity stuff but I say thank you and put it with the drinks that get wheeled out at Christmas.

YABU - you can’t call someone out for poor gift choosing - it’s a gift!

it may be a disappointment, but you will never change her (just as she will never change you).

however, rather than a confrontational calling out you could always send her a wish list from Amazon, or say you have enough clothes and would like practical presents from now on.

This is so sad. I’d never heard of mothers like this until Mumsnet. The thing with gifts is that you will look ungrateful if you complain because gifts are not to be demanded. I’ve never commented whether I like a gift because it’s a gift. If she asked me why I’m not wearing/ using it I would explain it’s not my colour/ style etc. Maybe say to her that you should no longer exchange gifts or stick to vouchers. Sorry your mum doesn’t appreciate who you are.

I find gifts really tricky. My mum is lovely and tries really hard with presents but I still find the things she buys me make me feel a bit unknown. This year for my birthday I told everyone I’m decluttering and there was no need for presents at all (I’ve actually been hinting this for years but explicitly said it this year) and I still received lots of presents. I realise my annoyance at this is ungrateful! I guess what I’m saying is gift giving and receiving seems to surface some complex feelings in many of us (am I known? Am I loved? Am I listened to?) and it’s understandable that repeatedly being presented with things that demonstrate she isn’t really seeing you for who you are is hurtful to you. You don’t have to be grateful for that.

If it helps at all I have no qualms about taking things I’ve been gifted straight to the charity shop - the person will likely never know and it’s liberating!

Yanbu op, it's not about wanting a gift but about her not being thoughtful. Therefore, I wouldn't bother trying to clarify what you would like, tbf you do sound easier to buy for, but look to choose siren the whole gift exchange. I might then start being honest, knowing she'll take the martyrd position, if she ever does give you anything. Just smile and say "thank you, this isn't me at all so won't get used, would you like it?" On repeat. I said might. Just a easy I would take everything straight to charity. I have a bullying controlling ex who still (20 yrs later!) Sends me cards and presents. Cards go in the outside recycling unopened, presents go to charity unopened.