Calling out my mum’s bad presents?

some mothers do deliberately want to upset their children…

I feel your frustration - my mother is exactly the same. She gets me things she likes or thinks I should have. I have noticed a new trend when she follows the theme of what I get for her birthday...so a box of deluxe handmade chocolates I get her becomes cheese pots for me. I just manage my expectations these days.

My mum was like this. Bought me a tin of hair accessories as a teen when I had a pixie cut.

We stopped doing any non-edible presents when I turned 18.

PIL bought me a double CD of “housework songs” the first Xmas I was with DH. Haven’t done any sort of present swapping with them since (25 years). Makes life so much easier.

I'm.37 and my parents buy me nothing even my kids get nothing

If your Mum is a narcissist, the worst thing you can do is either ignore the awfulness of her gifts (because she wants a hurt reaction from you) or laugh at them.

Gift them back to her for her birthday in a couple of years time.

If my Mum buys me anything, it's always random and thoughtless because it was something she spontaneously bought from a Facebook ad😂

I have a similar mum too OP. The word narcissist gets thrown around a lot, and I don’t know if my mum meets all the criteria but it’s the same issues, controlling, wants to impose her taste on me via terrible presents, insulting to me but can’t have a negative word said back, gets upset if she’s called out and calls me “hostile” and “oversensitive”.

I have been very upset by the presents issue too - it’s not because the presents themselves matter, it’s because she’s showing you she doesn’t notice or care who you are, and that hurts. A pp said “Look at the effect that a jumper and some bedding has had on you. Can you see the control it has over your emotions?”. And they’re right but I too have cried buckets over this.

Once my mum asked what I wanted for a present and I sent her a link to some nice bedsocks I wanted. She said no “I’m not buying those, I don’t like them.” I cried and I was in my 40s at the time. Because she was just hammering home that she doesn’t give two shits about my taste, feelings or the fact she’d actually asked me for a suggestion then threw it back in my face. It hurts because you want to feel a bond with your mum and that she cares.

I tried saying just don’t bother with presents (its not actually getting presents I care about, it’s the way she used them to upset me) and she just does it anyway - to her it’s a control mechanism that she doesn’t want to lose.

Not meaning to sound patronising at all, you’re only in your 20s and it took me decades to make sense of this and find ways to separate myself from the effects it had on me. It’s very hard, facing up to the fact your mum is not caring and loving in the way you need. I would say it’s a journey and you can’t just wake up one day and stop caring about it, but you’re doing the right thing to question it and look for support. I have had a few lovely mother-like figures through my life in friends and boyfriends’ mums, neighbours etc who have been there for me in ways my mum hasn’t.

And you’re not boring, you’re chic and minimalist, that’s great. It’s good that you know your own tastes and don’t let your mum affect them.

and a hug for you.

OP these presents were so extreme, it's like she was trying to tell you that you ought to like her style and can't bear that you don't. Maybe her insecurities mean that she sees your rather classic style as an attempt to be better in some way. She finds it hard to see your choices as simply that, and not about a rejection of her. Not sure that really helps with a way forward though.

I find peoples approach to gift giving quite intriguing. My best friend will go to the ends of the earth to find a gift that she knows I'll love. She thinks of me - then finds a gift I will appreciate. My MIL has a different approach, she accumulates 'presents' throughout the year as and when she sees stuff. Then at Christmas and Birthdays she takes one off the pile and wraps it up. So we all get random presents - I got a lunch bag which she had bought from a supermarket in Canada. I don't take lunch to work - so it's an odd present. But MIL sees giving a present as a transaction/task which she can cross off her list.

My late mum was just the same. It became a standing joke in the family.
I even told her what to buy me she still got it wrong.
She did the same with older brother but younger brother got just the right item.
I gave up caring what she bought. I always opened a few days before as I received them a week before as we lived far apart.
I thought I'd cracked it one year as I asked for her to buy a part of a dinner set.
Took her to the shop put her name on the list so nothing was duplicated.
Royal doulton wild cherry.
First Christmas I received an eternal beau plate. When I asked why it's because the other was boring.
Over the years I got an ornamental dog - Alsatian we had cavaliers.
Empty box in gold - to save my photos.
Pink jumper - size 6 I'm an 18.
DH was given a child's sports bag.
I could go on and on.
Older brother was always given second hand stuff.
All I can say is that the charity shops were hopefully happy with the donations.

This might sound unusual, but I stopped exchanging gifts with my mum when I was 20. I already moved out and was working so spending my own money. I used to put in so much effort and she would hate everything. I’d buy things that suited her interests alongside flowers, card, chocolates. She literally would turn her face up and I was left regretting the purchase.

Meanwhile she would get me weird shit like a red leopard print pj set from Asda. Or a £5 shower gift set etc. It was apparent she would get me cheap/token things. I prefer not getting receiving them in the first place as the I don’t need to bother getting rid of them, plus I don’t need to feign excitement nor feel disappointed.

This is her taste and her style. Isn't it a bit like having different lenses? She can only see through her lenses. It would probably be anathema to her to buy something that doesn't have colour or sequins - as though she was short changing you.

When you buy her gifts are you able to buy things in the style that she likes or do you find it difficult? I would find it difficult to buy for someone like your mum as her style sounds so out there. If you feel this way then perhaps you'll understand her a bit more.

It's OK that you told her what you would really like as gifts in the future as long as you did it with kindness. I don't think she's going to change though.

Wise post.

If you felt she was genuinely trying to get you something you liked, this wouldn’t be upsetting. It’s not about the stuff, it’s the fact she’s using stuff as a way to say “you should be more like this”.

This is something lots of us will struggle to get right occasionally. Everyone who’s ever given a gift of their own favourite novel, say, is walking a line between “I love this- maybe you will love it too” and “this is something you ought to love”. Staying on the right side of that line isn’t necessarily easy but it sounds as if your mum isn’t even trying to do so (a jumper in the wrong style is one thing- three sizes too small is something else).

So anyway, presents- bin, charity, whatever. The more important thing is the relationship.

YANBU @Rhinestonerhi - well done for pushing back.

but this bit did make me laugh: “My mum wears lots of extremely bright colours with extravagant patterns and chunky jewellery,”
Is your actual Mum Prue Leith?!

I get ya too - and agree with people mentioning that your mother is a narcissists. My own mother would say yes i will get you something for your birthdya but it wont be the FCUK stuff you are asking for ( Like i did in the 90's). I remember her telling me she would buy me a gold ring for my 18th - i don't wear yellow gold really, mid 40's and still don't wear it- she was adamant she wasn't buying a silver or white gold ring - my sister wears the ring the whole time now . I have risen above it now, yes it hurts that my own mother doesn't know me well enough that way - but i cant change her now. So i just smile say thank you - then sell donate or whatever with what she has given me

Another one with a mother like yours OP. I've tried the list thing but she can't even be arsed to look at that now and demands to know what i want (and all other family members) and gets very cross when i can't/won't tell her immediately. She then will ignore what she's been told or tell you it's too expensive (she's loaded and has form for randomly spending a fortune some years but then will berate anyone who assumes that suggesting anything in that price range in future years) I now tell her I want a surprise as it irritates the hell out of her and the outcome is the same but takes up less head space for me. It just ties into the whole vibe she had about me being a nuisance that was foisted on her. Conversely she expects everyone to get her amazing presents and got very very upset at my SIL over year who got her a voucher (note DM did not get upset with my DB - just the woman he's married to).

The point is, it is not about the presents. You can get scrappy presents from a nice person, and because you like them and/or mutually respect one another, scrappy presents don't matter. However, when the present comes from someone with whom you are struggling with, where you feel they don't like/love you and the respect is precarious, it is so much deeper than just a crappy present.

For example, my Mil buys crap, cheap presents but they are always on time, usable and always accompanied by a sweet card. There is something nice about receiving them in the post, knowing she has remembered us and is thinking about us. Like, here is a little something for you, and how are you going? It is a warm hug.

In comparison, my own mother is controlling and manipulative, plays favourites and power-games with her kids and grand-kids, and either doesn't send anything, or sends something late, or sends money weeks or months later. If we receive nothing, we cannot address it (one grand-kid will get something, the other nothing, or it will be grossly unequal) or she will tantrum. If we don't reciprocate, she tantrums and contacts us constantly about non-birthday things before her birthday. So, like the OP means, any present is a reflection of her thoughts and care towards us.

I have someone like this. They clearly buy loads of shit from B&M/Home Bargains and then just gift it to anyone. I just think, ooh stock for my Vinted account 💰

I'm shit at gifts. I just tend to stick to boring obvious stuff now as it is safer. If I put too much thought into things I tend to get it wrong.

It tends to be booze, beauty products, chocolate or plants now, or a food hamper. Half of the stuff I buy OH is unworn even though it is just plain functional stuff as similar to what he buys himself, so I have no idea what to get him anymore.

This made me laugh. It is so like my mum although in her case I know she is trying and missing the mark. Although now elderly and overweight in her heyday my mum could have been a model or fashion buyer and she managed to give birth to two daughters who hate clothes shopping and are happiest in jeans or leggings. She loves bright colours, has never worn a pair of trousers in her life and is always immaculately made up. Even now she often gets complimented when we are out for her clothes and general put togetherness. We have managed to make her present giving a joke and she now leaves all labels and receipts with presents as she knows most of them will go straight back to the shop. She can be controlling but she has the grace to know the joke is on her and accepts it all with reasonably good grace. I will say she still annoys us by asking when we are going to change our clothes when we are all going out together and sis and I have no intention of wearing anything other than what we already have on. We must immeasurably frustrate her.

This isn't just about being a bad gift giver. If it was, once you'd pointed out that e.g. the bedding was lovely but didn't match your colour scheme she would have apologised, and made efforts to "fix" the problem.

I know the words is banded about a lot, but her reaction and your description of other behaviours does suggest she has narcissitic traits if not full blown narcissism. The fact your brother has already gone NC further supports this.

With this sort of parents you need to set very strong boundaries. You've made a start. However your mother has tantrummed and left. Can I ask what would normally happen when she behaves like this (yes, I've made the assumption this is normal behaviour for her)? If, as I suspect, the answer is that she ignores you until you apologise (even though you have nothing to apologise for) then change the narrative. Don't go running and apologise. Wait for her to come to you.

Set your boundary around presents. I'd suggest either "don't give me presents" or "perhaps you could select something from a list I give you". If she ignores it, unless she's miraculously picked an amazing gift, then just give her the gift back. It's not generous to give someone something they have told you they don't want. Most gift givers want the person receiving the gift to like it!

I'm 61 and it's taken me 40 years but I've finally got there.
Start by asking for the receipt. Say nothing else. Keep doing it. Eventually (15 years or so) my mum started putting the receipt in the gift bag.
Phase two (15 - 25 years) - Gentle questioning. Why have you done this? Build up to offering suggestions and a list. She will still go off list but you then have written proof (keep a copy as evidence) that you can wave at her.
Phase 3 (25 - 35 years) - you are now at the stage when you can laugh incredulously at the shit she is presenting you with. Keep going with the receipts and lists. Do not waver. Start reducing the number of items on the list.
Phase 4 - there is now only 1 item on the list with another as a possible alternative. Should neither be available she is now suitably trained to realise that she needs to phone and ask. Reply in writing so there is evidence.
Good luck OP.

I also have a mother like this. If it was the odd occasion you’d laugh it off. But it’s not. It’s every birthday. Every Christmas. And that really stings.

Sibling always got what they asked for which made it even more hurtful to be gifted e.g. a packet of flowery knickers for age 5 when I was in my 20s. No she didn’t forget her glasses - you know when you’re in the children’s vs women’s section of a shop FFS.

I called it out. I tried asking for something specific. I tried saying I didn’t want anything at all. I told her I took everything back/exchanged it (got called an ungrateful bitch for that one). She carried on doing it.

For a raft of other reasons we are blissfully NC now. I’d examine why you feel the need to carry on keeping the peace as you describe it.