To feel low in mood today cos of DC having rich friends!

I agree about getting a loft bed for your daughter’s room. My daughter has one (that I had to chop bits off to fit two of the legs over the stair box!!).

Hers has a desk & futon under, and some storage shelves. It’s honestly brilliant. Her room a similar size to your daughters. There’s only room for a small wardrobe at the other side of the room. I’ve had to buy a tiny chest of drawers which goes inside the wardrobe for her pants, socks & pjs. There’s no room for a separate set of drawers.

We (me & 2 children, similar ages to yours) moved from a huge 5 bed to a much smaller 3 bed recently due to a relationship split. I still feel a massive amount of guilt for their change in lifestyle, but they’re both so happy. My daughter in the small room really loves her room, which has amazed me, as it’s so much smaller than her previous room.

You can get loft beds with nothing fitted under, then you can put storage, drawers & the vanity table underneath the bed.

Honestly, game changer for a tiny room.

I won’t have any way of affording any kind of extension or lift conversion either, unless done miracle happens, but I am the only one in this house that’s bothered by its size. The kids really are ok with it. It also might be due to the fact they’re not having the constant negativity of their Dad anymore, but I didn’t say that! 😆

I hope you manage to find a solution that works for you x

I think you need to be very honest with yourself. Do you really want a huge house? Because if you do, you can have one. It will take huge amounts of time and energy but it is possible. If you're not interested in putting in that time and energy then you've made your choice and you need to own it.

I have a bigger house than my sister and at times she moans. That drives me nuts - I have the house I have because I worked my fat arse off. I made choices that made the big house possible. She could also make those choices but she doesn't want to. That's fine, but why moan about it??

I will add that while having a big house has its benefits those benefits are quite small. I am not entirely sure the sacrifices were worth it. It is great to have enough money to be able to replace and repair things and not worry about food and basics, but beyond a certain point a big house etc doesn't make a huge amount of difference.

I have a friend who lives in a tiny apartment. She never makes a big deal about the fact that our living situations are so different and I adore her for that. I admire her for it - she is a genuine person who doesn't care about our house size and just likes me for me. If I felt she was embarrassed about her house size when I visited it would make me feel like she thinks I'm a shallow shithead. I am not. I would meet her in a shed (as long as it was warm).

I get the whole comparison thing - it's normal. But it really is important to get past it because it is such a massive waste of your energy. I mean that in a totally sympathetic way. Don't look back and wonder at yourself. Make yourself someone you look back on and admire. I'm not there yet but I'm trying.

There’s always someone richer. Your children will grow up to appreciate that. I wouldn’t worry about this. I went to a private school and my parents (both public sector workers, no family money or inheritance) scrimped and saved to pay for it. Other kids in my year had Caribbean holiday homes, second homes in London, ponies, brand new cars at 17, all of it. I wouldn’t say I didn’t notice the difference, but it also didn’t bother me. Our family holidays in a rented apartment on the beach in Spain (which we drove to as flights were too expensive) were the happiest times of my
life.

what really jumped out from your post, OP, is that you and your dc have lots of friends who love to spend time with you all and you live in a great place that makes you happy. The rest is just packaging. I understand your longing for a bigger place but if it’s not possible, it’s not possible. There is no point beating yourself up about it. If you moved to a cheaper area for a bigger house, you wouldn’t have the same life.

Similar here OP. Don't even have my own garden at all, as we live in a flat (though there's a shared garden), it was all I could afford as a single mum after separating from ex. I wanted to stay in the same nice area so the DC would be near their schools and friends, but our home is a lot smaller and more modest/unglamorous than their friends'. I think it was the right choice but DD did go through a stage of moaning at me for being "poor" and having a small flat (unlike your DC, she can be a rude madam!)

But now it's the teenage years and our flat is the cool hangout and her friends love it. Partly because it's a good location for everyone, but also apparently I'm less uptight than some parents because I let them play music, take over the kitchen or front room, don't make a fuss about not marking the furniture etc (that would be because I don't have posh stuff!). And we all appreciate being in this location.

And I agree with PPs growing up in a mansion with every luxury you want does run the risk of leading to disappointment as an adult. I didn't grow up well off and I think it helps me to appreciate things more now.

Also your house sounds lovely. YANBU to be having these feelings but it's honestly OK.

I had these feelings when I had DC1 - I met some lovely mum friends at baby group who had amazing big houses! Then having number 2 has just meant having them all over is a squeeze!
But our area is lovely and now mine are getting bigger, they need less space!
We are hoping to move soon but I think we all compare to others and forget all the good things.

I grew up in a rough town and lots of my friends loved coming to my house on a busy main road where my parents were kind and happy to have them there - and give them a break from some tough times at home (one was in and out of care) so think of all the good things you’ve give your kids. Stuff is just stuff.

If I won the lottery I would get the giant house with a pool though!

I'm in the same boat OP, except ours is also old and run down. I'm always so embarrassed having anyone over, dcs friends and my own friends and family. It's not a house I would ever have envisaged living in. We have spent a lot already trying to make it nice but it's still not a house I want to live in. I constantly look at property pages and day dream about living in them. By the time we have enough money to move dcs will probably be grown up. But I need to have some kind of end in sight.

I think your feelings are valid. I’m in my early thirties and earn probably about an average income. DH does too. My brother, who is in his 20s, earns almost double what me and DH earn together. When I found this out, I was sad for days. I was happy for him but sad for us. We have a modest home and a good life but he has a huge house, with everything he could want to make his life convenient. They go on multiple holidays a year and fly first-class
every time. It’s hard because you cannot help but compare.

I got over it within a few days but it was hard for a while, knowing he lives a life which will never be obtainable for me.

We live in a small house too and my dcs friends have bigger houses. It doesn't seem to have affected our friendships. I just thought that the sort of person who would think less of someone because of the size of their house is not someone I'd want to be friends with.

Post a picture of the box-room OP, and the MN wizards will find a way to fit in a dressing table.

I just feel so shit about not being able to provide better and bigger for my DC.
I've tried so hard to better our circumstances for my DC as I came from a single mum with severe MH problems who was on benefits all through my childhood and we lived on the breadline and I had to deal with a lot of neglect.

I wish I could give you a hug and somehow help you see how wonderfully you have done for your DC.

You seem to think you're a bad parent for not being rich. You know, in your heart, that being rich is not a guarantee of happiness or health.

Some practical points - go and mooch round ikea (take DD with you) - they have loads of great ideas for using space.

If you can't have a dinner party can you have a picnic? Movie night?

Some silver linings- you own your place. You can make changes and not have to undo them if you get asked to move.
You will not end up in an inheritance bunfight over your parents' estate like many families on here.
Your public sector jobs are more secure than private sector.
Your house has less maintenance and less to clean.
You have your OWN garden, however small.

Not much help but I totally understand how you feel and YANBU OP. I think we've all felt it at some point or other, whether it's about a house or someone's looks or their life in general. To say 'comparison is the thief of joy' is really quite pointless as we all know this but it really doesn't help us feel any better. I think it's just human nature and societal pressure.

I agree with what @PermanentTemporary says - I hope that made you feel better to type it out!

You know of course that a big house, a pony, multiple holidays aren't the important thing and each of those families in the huge houses will have their own issues and that your children are lucky compared to many children. This is a you issue rather than a real issue, so maybe focus on what you are giving your children and be happy that you live in a lovely village, have a job you (presumably) enjoy and that provides for your family and that your family is happy and healthy and it's all going well! My experience is that children are a little bit shallow and do notice their friends' houses, but they're not that shallow. I've brought mine up amongst immense wealth (not mine) and they still appreciate and love their own home.

Please don't beat yourself up about this, your providing them with what sounds like a fab childhood!

Could you look at some practical solutions regarding DDs room - could she swap with DS? Could you get a high sleeper that fits a bed underneath etc

Don't have time to read all the comments but just to say you sound so lovely, what a lovely mum and person. I grew up in a big house, but sadly my parents were very unhappy and it was all a bit miserable to be honest! That isn't to say that all people in big houses are miserable obv - but its not what matters. Meanwhile my partner grew up in a tiny house, and just had the most wonderful childhood - filled with warmth and love. You'll probably always feel a bit self conscious, i feel a bit like it with my home now - but ringfence it - its not what matters. Ooh and maybe look at minimalist/ 'tiny homes' content for inspo. What about a bunkbed with a little vanity dresser underneath? Is it decorated to your taste, and do you make the most of the space? I think you need to fall in love with your lovely tiny home. And as one pp said, children will always want something... I remember being conscious that my friend had a bigger house... and as I said, I had a big house. I have some friends who pride themselves on the fact that they have a tiny house in a glorious location as they haven't been sucked in by the adult house brigade. You've chosen well xxx

If it makes you feel any better, I live in the dingiest building of flats in a posh town. The building is constant referenced on local grumbler groups 💀 I avoid having people over like the plague because while my flat inside is as nice as I could make it, having to walk past the communal areas is… dire at best.

DD was nervous at first but during high school it didn’t seem to affect her friendships, she regularly had sleepovers with us.

But it definitely gets under your skin. The sheer embarrassment of thinking you should be doing better or more.

This

If it makes you feel better. We have one of the more expensive houses in our estate but up to our eyeballs in debt (not when we decided to buy it obvs) can't really afford to live here but can't currently get a new mortgage and every time the car needs fixing I cry as we have nothing spare.

From the outside we probably look wealthy. We were but things have gone very wrong for us.

Just because others seem wealthy doesn't mean their lives are better than yours.

Yo have a small house in a lovely area with all what you need. You and your kids are around good people that does bother about it, I wouldn't bother much neither. Financial situations varies a lot. Your house will increase value even if is one of the smallest in the area. Don't focus on the size, focus on the content, it looks to me that the content is a good family so what else?
Make the most of what you got. Don't feel bad or embarrassed.

It is hard and comparison is normal. You are giving your kids a cosy, safe family home, which is clean, where they are loved and valued. That is huge.
Growing up I was your kids, our house was small, I had the box room.
A lot of houses near us have these rooms, it just takes a bit of imagination. You can build a frame for a mattress on top of the stair box, freeing up some of the rest of the wall space. Or a built in bed across the end wall. A vanity dressing table is what they all want now but that will change. You could get a desk or storage units which could vary in use as she grows up. Let her pick colours, accessories, make things for the room.

In my teens I had a close friend who lived with her mother in a shitty flat in a horrible area. On top of that, the flat was chaotic and untidy, whereas my house was big and pleasant. But - her home/mother was welcoming, and I spent many, many weekends staying there, it was far better than being in my own home! I loved being there, the surroundings were irrelevant. (Were in our 50s now and still best friends).

Kids/teens don't care, it's all about the friendships not the size of the mortgage.

You’ve made choices and are now moaning about those choices. You did not have to buy a tiny house in a very expensive area but you chose to. You could have bought a bigger house in a cheaper area but chose not to. You chose the area you wanted to bring your kids up in and could have chosen somewhere else.
You moan about crap public sector jobs but have you done anything to change that? I’ve always worked in the public sector and now earn just short of 90K (started on 17K in 2004 and have chased every promotion ever since). I’m a single parent. I live in a flat in a very nice area where some of DD’s friends live in massive houses. I’ve made choices.
Your kids sound lovely, their friends and their families don’t care about where you live. You’ve got a loving home in an area you love. Enjoy it! Or do something about the choices you made as if you think living in a bigger house will make you happy you need to do something to make that happen.

Would something like this work? My daughter had something similar in her box room.

I would take a smaller home over a mansion any day. Cosier, kids never too far away, less housework.

I can't work due to disability so I'm never even going to own the smallest house. Please try to be thankful for what you have, there will always be someone out there who has more.