Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

It would be very awkward for the B&G having breakfast with people they didn’t invite

I would have liked to go to the Italian restaurant belonging to the hotel and have a drink with my husband and anybody who had been staying the night before and obviously have breakfast in the hotel.
But I won’t go now as I don’t want people to think badly of me like a lot of you do.

Can you honestly not see yourself how rude this would be OP?

So how do you know it didn't say drinks the evening before? OPs DH knows to be there so the invitation will have said something about being there the night before, it sounds like OP knew there was drinks happening the night before, but assumed she could join for that.

The groom has had to clarify that the night before drinks is actual a private bar so uninvited guests shouldn't just rock up, he has acknowledged that some guests are now bringing their spouses to the ceremony(!) but had to specifically say there is no more capacity at the evening in case people were thinking of turning up for that too (like OP was)!

As far as I can see it doesn't say OP couldn't go to the breakfast with them, only that the B&G hoped guests would stay and have breakfast with them before leaving, it doesn't sound like there was a formal arrangement for that, most people would do that anyway.. unless they had a spouse wanting to go and do something different with them for the day of course.

I feel really sorry for the B&G, it sounds like there is a lot of push back and unnecessary aggro from the cousins who should have just declined the invite rather than accept but then try and shoehorn their uninvited spouses into the proceedings.

Cousin-in-law?

I get that OP has the best of intentions, loves a good wedding and is happy to pay for whatever needs paying for, but... as a rule, best not to look for loopholes or tweaks to somebody else's big day.

It's a fraught enough event for the couple as it is. Once you get into the realms of "Ah but you see I paid for X, Y and Z, which entitles me to A, B and C aspects of the hotel/your wedding"... well, at best I'd mark OP as being someone determined to get what she wants in life. Even if that risks me or DP being taken aside for a quiet word with the manager at any point over the three days.

As for
I would have liked to go to the Italian restaurant belonging to the hotel and have a drink with my husband and anybody who had been staying the night before and obviously have breakfast in the hotel.
But I won’t go now as I don’t want people to think badly of me like a lot of you do.
Seriously?! Perhaps I'm misinterpreting you OP but why on earth would you think of forming a breakaway group at someone else's do?

Weddings are expensive, cousins can be distant, cousins' DPs even more so. The couple have made their position clear and it's nothing personal. Just let it go, and let them get on with their day their way.

In every wedding I've been to, the invitation explained clearly what the celebration included, for instance dinner the night before and brunch the day after the wedding, with details of venue and timings. It's standard to let your guests know what the plan is.

I don’t really understand the bit about secretly hoping you’d be asked in for a dance - surely you would stay well away from the wedding party as you haven’t been invited? It would be really rude to make yourself visible and put them in the embarrassing position of having to actively exclude you.

Going along makes you look little unhinged.

Imagine your dh at the bar after wedding. Ph what's your wife up to this weekend. Oh she's. The room. Upstairs. Ah ok. Are you not allowed put alone. Really.

And for people criticising the bride and groom. Ots their wedding they xam invite who they like.

It's utterly mortifying they've had to re confirm To people that spouses aren't invited.

When did people become so entitled. Do you have such a sad life you need to gate crash against specific instructions. You aren't invited. Going there would be ill mannered and utterly embarrassing.

11 Eleven partners is a further 11 people to feed and give drink if these people then have children there'll be people whinging about a child free wedding and Not having Sitters so a potential another 11 if they have one child each so it goes from 11 people invited to 33.

I Imagine they couldn't care less if partners came and just used a room but they've got a function room for the guests the night before and a breakfast area the morning of the wedding. The person not invited is then going to have to sit alone or the bride and groom are going to feel obliged to invite them when they didn't want them there in the first place. It's completely different to make an holiday out of a destination wedding when the wedding takes place on one day and the rest of the time is your own.

The OP said originally they'd hope it to be invited in for a dance so if several people attended the room with their partner and one was invited in for a dance then it would look churlish not to invite the others that are there and before they knew it there's an extra five people that they weren't catering for wh couldn't just let their partner go to a wedding on their own.

Its clearly a multi day event with a drinks reception / bar meet-up arranged for the evening before and a post wedding private breakfast facility for guests to share the next day. Doesnt matter if its a cash bar or you pay for your own breakfast - its an invitation only event. You wouldnt crash another group's table in a restauraunt just because you were paying for your own food.

Please don't embarrass yourself and others. Are you THAT desperate to go to the bloody thing?

Her DH was obviously invited to stay the evening before, and the breakfast after (so two nights) which he has accepted, why would they need to put on the invite what the arrangements are for the night before and the morning after are, drinks before and breakfast after is a pretty standard setup for a wedding in a hotel.

OP is annoyed because she ASSUMED she could go the night before and the morning after (and the evening of the wedding "for a dance") and the B&G has now had to ask the people considering doing that not to, as they have only catered for their actual guests for the weekend, and it is a private area.

It's not okay for OP to assume anything, she isn't an invited guest. It doesn't matter what entertainment or facilities the bride and groom have laid on for their guests over the rest of the weekend, as OP isn't a guest and shouldn't even be there, she has no place making assumptions about anything.

If she wants to just go and enjoy the hotel she can, but she wants to make her presence known in the off chance they invite her in, that is not on at all and extremely unfair on the other 9 couples who aren't letting their spouses 'tag along'.

It sounds like its exclusive use so you shouldn’t be going.

Were you secretly hoping for an invite to a part of the event like the OP though? A sales talk, or a focus group perhaps 😂

Absolutely this.

How did you think that invitation might arise @Notmotherofflowergirls ?

your DH would just casually mention to the happy couple that you were kettled upstairs in the room missing out on all the fun and whaddya know the happy couple feel obliged to invite you for a dance. Come off it 😂

You invite them all and their spouses or none at all. I have 15 cousins, most of whom are married and it’s a choice I had to make. Two of my cousins were bridesmaids, and another two were school age so came with their parents. If any of them had chosen to turn up anyway to stay in the hotel and come in for a dance or a drink, they’d have been welcome. They couldn’t have been part of any of the pay per head parts of the wedding, but any other part would have been fine.

Its one thing to say you can’t afford to invite them, it’s entirely another to be so exclusionary you have to warn them against coming along to the hotel anyway.

The OP said they had no idea about drinks the evening before or breakfast on the day of the wedding being paid for (this should have been on the invitations IMO, a mistake on the bride&groom's side), so It's perfectly OK for the OP to assume that she and her DH could have enjoyed the hotel bars and restaurants at their leisure. It wasn't until they got the letter that they realised that the bar and breakfast room would also be out of bounds.

I am totally supportive of them not inviting cousins’ spouses but think the night before and the morning after is a bit precious.

It's not "precious" if they have paid for these facilities for a certain amount of people though, it's logistics, they have paid for a private bar the evening before (which is why it is invitee only) and I assume the are either paying for the breakfast the next morning or they are limited on numbers for whatever room/serving setting they are going to be in?

And if they let you in the evening before, would they feel comfortable telling you you can't come to the wedding itself 'seeing as you are there anyway', now times that by 11 people all doing the same thing, or 9 people being annoyed that they allowed you in for a dance when all their partners respectfully stayed at home? If you really can't understand how awkward you are making it for them by going there and making your presence known then no one here can explain it to you.

IMO. Weddings cost thousands and appear to be highly self indulgent (im not married! So yes probably bitter) but yes if you can't afford it you can't do it, like having kids IMO they shouldn't keep coming if you are skint.

I agree! 11 cousins is a table for family, 11 cousins with a +1 is two tables, 11 cousins with +1s also opens the question of can I bring my kids as we are family (they seem cheeky enough to ask as 2 are going anyway even though they are uninvited), so suddenly that becomes very expensive. Either it will cost the couple more money because they have to pay per person, or it would cost them
in enjoyment because they are at the maximum guests for the room size so would
need to cross people off the list that they actually want there to fill it with distant family they don’t.

To be clear, I would avoid the breakfast and evening bar unless enthusiastically invited. See it as a solo break. Room service or local restaurant if there isn't a separate dining room.

I get your point @Notmotherofflowergirls - in many ways its not at all unreasonable to want to use the hotel room and all the things you talk about.

But very clearly, by showing up you will highlight the fact that you have not been invited. And that is very very poor form. The cousin is clearly well aware that they have had to draw a line, numbers wise - so to have any spouses show up would look really bad. It would look like you were trying to make a point even if you weren't /aren't and it would reflect really badly on you and your husband.

Of my close work colleagues I could only invite them without other halves. I would have been mortified if some of them had turned up - and I know some were disgruntled but I just didn't have the numbers.

Is the husband who's going to use the hotel room and play golf out of order too?

They are your DH's first cousins