Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

I think she was hoping that although there was strict invites for the ceremony and meal (which are usually the main constraints due to numbers and costs which she did understand), she probably thought that come the evening it gets more relaxed, evening guests arrive and usually people wouldn’t care if there were extras as no extra cost.

In fact having more people get on down on the dance floor is usually a good thing. Certainly, when I got married I could not really have cared less at the point the band came out if any extras turned up as long as everyone went home and said they had a great time. people were quite tipsy by early evening and I was just really happy to be married. I could have had a load of wedding crashers and I wouldn’t have cared at that point

so I expect she and her DH thought that partners were not invited for cost reasons rather than the family closing ranks and saying that partners are not actually family and they are to stay away. Not only stay away from the party but stay away from any family mingling. That is just very weird even for most families.

OP I think you should arrange your own party for all the spouses and have a great time!

Why should she pays for 2 rooms? She wants to use the room she has paid for.

i don’t understand why the B&G didn’t pay for exclusive use of the hotel and all the accommodation and breakfast etc so they could have the wedding they wanted without wanting exclusivity on someone else’s dime.

Luckily OP's made the (IMO correct) decision not to go, but I agree it's the hope to be "asked in for a dance" which gave it away

Realistically most B&Gs want to avoid any kind of unpleasantness on their day so may be unlikely to ask extras to leave - and hey presto, "they meant to go, honestly, and only came for 5 minutes, but (assorted others) just wouldn't hear of it" so now they're included and can make inroads at the bar without delay

I understand enjoying the hotel room your husband has paid for. I could be wrong - but I also feel you are putting a dampener on things for your DH.

He may well want to be with all of his cousins/family for pre-wedding drinks etc but now he has to be mindful that you are alone in the room.

Surely you could enjoy a lovely getaway together any other time...and just let him have this family weekend away.

Normally, but he is definitely referring to breakfast the next day:

he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

Apart from hoping she’d get invited for a dance? How would that work? Would OP not need to be hanging around appropriately dressed to be invited for a dance?

I appreciate this has now been decided she won’t, but that was the initial intention.

yea no vibe except for this bit..." I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance..."

I have only read the first page of responses but to me most of the replies on that first page are unnecessarily nasty. I didn't get the vibe that you want to 'muscle in' and 'hang around the fringes looking for an invite in'. The invite your husband received is to the wedding, why so many people think that this means you can't spend the night in the hotel and have a spa day while there amazes me. If I were you I would go, avoid anything wedding related and just have a night weekend to myself in a nice venue while the husband goes to the wedding stuff with his family. I don't see any issue with that.
I also wouldn't see the issue is your husband decided to do out to another bar with you the night before instead of the one in the hotel instead of going to the pre-wedding drinks and same if he decided to do something different with you instead of going to the breakfast the next morning.

On a side issue I think the wedding breakfast referred to isnt actually breakfast the morning after but the wedding meal for invited guests.

She means she had no idea about the "private" bar, that was referenced in the letter..

She knew he would be there and having drinks with other guests the night before the wedding, which is why she invited herself along to that, she didn't realise that the night before was privately hired too, which is why the letter has annoyed her.

It is all irrelevant because she wasn't invited to any of it, she is ridiculous to turn up to any part of it.

It completely depends what you intend on doing, and your updates provide a bit of a different picture to the first post where (intentionally or not), it did sound like you were planning on being around for everything apart from the actual wedding. I think it's understandable the bride and groom wouldn't want a load of sad-faced excluded partners hanging round on the off chance they can snaffle a leftover canape, but they can't exclude you from coming and using a public hotel.

If you basically plan on using the hotel room to sleep, might pop into the spa for an hour while the wedding is ongoing (so no chance of seeing any of the wedding party there), and then go out to the local area the rest of the day, then that's fine.

I personally would have breakfast either in the room or go at a different time to whenever the bridal party plan to have theirs. Whether your DH eats with them or with you is up to him, the groom might prefer they eat together but can't insist on it - some people will need to get up and go, some will be hungover or want a lie in or to use the spa etc., if your DH doesn't eat with them he won't be the only one. I wouldn't go to the on site restaurant the night before either, surely there are other places to eat around there where you won't be likely to bump into the bridal party?

But why? Her husband is already paying for a perfectly fine room the OP can use for free/price of breakfasts.

If the bride and groom wished complete control, they should have paid for the accomodation or at least the breakfast the day after.
It looks like they want to have their cake and eat it.

This is a sure fire way of pissing off all the other cousins …… ‘my spouse stayed away, so why is the pushy OP allowed to join in on the large dance floor?’ . You’re coming across as desperate OP, either go and keep entirely to yourself or don’t go. If it’s an
hotel with sole occupancy for the wedding then have some respect and do not go! The groom is being entirely fair explaining the situation and you’re just giving him unnecessary angst having to spell everything out for the more entitled!

I think he has planned for whatever and is worried people will turn up, chance their arms and then he'll have the stress of trying to lay down the law on the day and he could do without this stress.
I would just leave it alone and leave them to it.

Just book yourself in to a different hotel that has a spa. Order room service and have a nice chilled time just for you.

Respect the bride and grooms wishes.

Actually, if your husband is paying for the room and his own breakfast it is rather cheeky from the wedding to act like the hotel is only theirs.

I'd say go. Just make sure you are nowhere near their doors on the wedding day, don't hope for a dance, respect any hotel signage the day before or after.

I know this thread is against it, but 3/4 of AIBU responses are about kicking the OP no matter for what.

If the bar’s actually reserved for guests then you can’t go, but also your DH doesn’t need to. You could have drinks together in your room and bang your lights out all night. Equally with the breakfast the morning after, if the groom’s paying for the guests and has tables reserved, you can’t go. And you shouldn’t turn up and sit with the bride and groom if he doesn’t want you there. But equally he can’t stop your DH from having breakfast with you (or with you, his other cousin and their spouse) instead but you should try to sit away from the wedding crowd.

Depends really on how much time your DH wants to spend with extended family away from you. If the hotel is nice enough I would be happy to entertain myself without DH - a bottle glass of wine in the bath the night before with a good book, spa day and room service on the wedding day, and breakfast in bed the next day. Sounds blissful to me. Though would probably have a slightly better time going to an equally nice hotel without DH as him turning up the worse for wear after the wedding would be a slight mar on the day (but not much!).

I don’t think it’s unreasonable for a Bride and Groom to hope that guests at a wedding who are staying over might want to spend time as a group outside of the fully organized and paid for activities. And I can see that it’s appealing to want a somewhat nostalgic dynamic that without partners, though I personally think it’s a bit at odds with what weddings should be about. But he can’t demand it if he isn’t paying for exclusive use.

I would take to heart that he really doesn’t want spouses there and decide if you can have a good time at the hotel without impinging on his wedding. And DH should decide what he will enjoy without you there. Then come up with a plan that you like that doesn’t try to shoulder into the Groom’s wedding, but doesn’t oblige DH to do stuff he’d really rather not.

And she decided that the B&G were being 'restrictive on the spouses' by choosing how they spend their time and money on their wedding weekend....and she was 'upset' not to be invited. She looks like a right tool trying to centre herself in the wedding events across 3 whole days with the invited guests.

Most hotels have a wedding on a Saturday in summer - you’d be as welcome just rocking up to one of them! Presumably you wouldn’t because, you know, you’re not invited.

Being there is completely inappropriate and unfair on the groom (and bride/other groom). It also totally changes to dynamic for your husband. He should be able to go to an event he’s invited to, socialise with his family and not have to worry about you hanging around and gatecrashing

So how do you know it didn't say drinks the evening before?

The OP said: We had no idea about the bar the night before or the breakfast in the evening.

Definitely something deliberate at play, I'm glad enough people have put her off going (supposedly)!

And to form some sort of sub group with her dh and others who would want to. Really mean actually.

It would have been cheeky and a bit odd initially, but it would definitely be really weird if you went after the cousin sent a follow up clarification. You being there would cause quite a bit of awkwardness and embarrassment for everyone involved

I think it's an absolute cheek and I don't know why your DP is entertaining it.

If DH was invited to a wedding and I wasn't, his response would probably be to laugh and the invite would go straight in the recycling.

I actually missed this part! She wanted to go and socialise with everyone there the night before even she was not invited to any of it, it's completely cringeworthy!