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Original poster

Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

591 replies

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 11:19

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

OP posts:
Flashahah · 30/05/2025 07:01

Feetinthegrass · 30/05/2025 06:57

Because OP’s dh didn’t choose to go to the wedding alone! He has no choice other than not to go at all. Some couples enjoy being together, shock horror.

We wouldn’t be going at all. So at least they are considering attending - it would be a firm no from us.

Show quote history

Which if the OPs DH is not happy with the arrangements he could’ve said no!

He did choose to go alone.

Nothing wrong with couples spending time together, but that doesn’t need to mean every spare minute.

If it’s all such an issue, just decline like you would. But the OPs DH hasn’t, so presumably he’s happy with the arrangements?

Feetinthegrass · 30/05/2025 06:57

Tbrh · 30/05/2025 06:53

Why? Why can't her husband just enjoy the weekend with his family. If it was a man doing this, it would be seen to be controlling

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Because OP’s dh didn’t choose to go to the wedding alone! He has no choice other than not to go at all. Some couples enjoy being together, shock horror.

We wouldn’t be going at all. So at least they are considering attending - it would be a firm no from us.

TENSsion · 30/05/2025 06:56

Go to a hotel somewhere you’ve always fancied visiting. Do all the nice treatments and meals there.

Tbrh · 30/05/2025 06:53

ZekeZeke · 30/05/2025 06:10

OP how remote is the venue? Are there other hotels in the area with similar facilities?
If so, get DH to cancel the room and book another hotel?
He attends the wedding etc but the two of you have breakfast at your own hotel, while he is at the wedding you walk/drive if necessary to the village?

Why? Why can't her husband just enjoy the weekend with his family. If it was a man doing this, it would be seen to be controlling

Tbrh · 30/05/2025 06:52

ImFineItsAllFine · 29/05/2025 11:32

Sounds like they have paid per head (hence the restrictions on spouses in the first place) and the groom is worried about trouble with the venue if it comes across like they've tried to sneak an extra few people in.

Probably this, which you are basically trying to do. Don't be such a weirdo and have your spa weekend somewhere else.

Escapingagain · 30/05/2025 06:45

If you want a spa day go somewhere else. Let your husband have fun with his cousins etc. One weekend apart is not long. No you can’t sneak in for a dance they have number restrictions for a reason and you need to respect their wishes.

Isometimeswonder · 30/05/2025 06:41

fiveIsNewOne · 29/05/2025 11:34

So are you planning to stay in the room with your husband? Who is paying for the room?

Exactly

ZekeZeke · 30/05/2025 06:10

OP how remote is the venue? Are there other hotels in the area with similar facilities?
If so, get DH to cancel the room and book another hotel?
He attends the wedding etc but the two of you have breakfast at your own hotel, while he is at the wedding you walk/drive if necessary to the village?

ClaredeBear · 30/05/2025 06:09

fiveIsNewOne · 29/05/2025 22:24

The guy is cheeky. If his wedding guest is paying for his own room and breakfasts for two nights, telling him that he shouldn't have his own wife staying in that room and that she can't eat her breakfast with him is weird and controlling.

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I don’t think I disagree with you but then it’s a case of deciding whether to go or not, rather than potentially making a scene at the wedding.

IHaveAlwaysLivedintheCastle · 30/05/2025 06:06

CantStopMoving · 29/05/2025 23:13

To be fair so is not inviting someone’s spouse to a family wedding.

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It's the wedding of her mother in law's nephew. It's hardly "family" for her.

siucra · 30/05/2025 06:05

I think you should buy a new dress, perhaps even a new hat. Book a hotel room and turn up the night before the wedding. Hang around, see the ceremony from a crack in the door, perhaps your husband could bring you out a plate of food, and then once the dancing starts hit the floor! They’ll be so glad you’re there and will regret being so tight.

GarlicPile · 30/05/2025 04:22

CantStopMoving · 29/05/2025 16:12

The B&G are not paying for the accommodation nor the breakfast and potentially not even paying for the drinks the night before.

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Exactly. Guests could've stayed in other accommodation with whomever they wanted. It's absurd to say DH can't share a room HE'S paying for with his wife, purely because it's the most convenient location.

Flashahah · 30/05/2025 02:29

PinkTonic · 29/05/2025 20:32

So what? 11 extra people on a dance floor is completely ridiculous to be bothered about. It’s not like it’s pay per head

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So what?

you think going to sone thing you’re not invited to is acceptable?

godmum56 · 29/05/2025 23:22

CantStopMoving · 29/05/2025 23:13

To be fair so is not inviting someone’s spouse to a family wedding.

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the person who was invited need not have accepted

CantStopMoving · 29/05/2025 23:13

ARichtGoodDram · 29/05/2025 23:06

So what? 11 extra people on a dance floor is completely ridiculous to be bothered about. It’s not like it’s pay per head

Nobody wants 11 not-invited people on their dance floor.

And if the room capacity is 100 and they've invited 100 then 111 on the dance floor is going to cause them a hassle they don't need

Gate crashing any part of a wedding that you know you're not invited to is just downright rude.

To be fair so is not inviting someone’s spouse to a family wedding.

ARichtGoodDram · 29/05/2025 23:06

So what? 11 extra people on a dance floor is completely ridiculous to be bothered about. It’s not like it’s pay per head

Nobody wants 11 not-invited people on their dance floor.

And if the room capacity is 100 and they've invited 100 then 111 on the dance floor is going to cause them a hassle they don't need

Gate crashing any part of a wedding that you know you're not invited to is just downright rude.

LadyHexham · 29/05/2025 22:37

I would take the opportunity to go elsewhere for a solo weekend, pleasing myself, or just stay at home and do the same.

Hope husband enjoys himself but I don't want him snoring next to me after a few drinks.

No issue with not being invited.

fiveIsNewOne · 29/05/2025 22:24

ClaredeBear · 29/05/2025 20:36

the Guy is going out of his way to make the situation clear and it seems consistent, so I’d leave it there rather than try to push at the boundaries they’ve set.

The guy is cheeky. If his wedding guest is paying for his own room and breakfasts for two nights, telling him that he shouldn't have his own wife staying in that room and that she can't eat her breakfast with him is weird and controlling.

TunnocksOrDeath · 29/05/2025 22:10

You can't just show up for a dance, particularly if there's food and drink provided in the evening. Most weddings are paid for per-head, and if the venue notices extra people, it will embarrass the bride & groom. Same thing applies to any part of the weekend that they have reserved and paid for.
TBH, the couple have committed a bit of a faux-pas by only inviting blood relatives and not spouses, but at the end of the day, it's their event and their choice. Don't make it worse by showing up uninvited.

Strawberriesforever · 29/05/2025 21:08

PinkTonic · 29/05/2025 20:32

So what? 11 extra people on a dance floor is completely ridiculous to be bothered about. It’s not like it’s pay per head

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Unless the hotel has a rule that the room is limited to 100 people (due to fire regulations), the couple invited 98 guests, and the hotel have a policy of putting a staff member on the door to check everyone coming and going is actually on the guest list. This is not an unlikely scenario. All venues have official limits on numbers they must obey. It’s not even the venue that decides what the limit is - the fire department do.

ClaredeBear · 29/05/2025 20:36

the Guy is going out of his way to make the situation clear and it seems consistent, so I’d leave it there rather than try to push at the boundaries they’ve set.

godmum56 · 29/05/2025 20:34

PinkTonic · 29/05/2025 20:32

So what? 11 extra people on a dance floor is completely ridiculous to be bothered about. It’s not like it’s pay per head

Show quote history

Its called gatecrashing. Its not attractive

PinkTonic · 29/05/2025 20:32

ARichtGoodDram · 29/05/2025 20:23

Given she said "I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance" there was a clear vibe of hoping that being around would lead to an invitation to join in

Show quote history

So what? 11 extra people on a dance floor is completely ridiculous to be bothered about. It’s not like it’s pay per head

ARichtGoodDram · 29/05/2025 20:23

Weclomehome · 29/05/2025 18:44

I have only read the first page of responses but to me most of the replies on that first page are unnecessarily nasty. I didn't get the vibe that you want to 'muscle in' and 'hang around the fringes looking for an invite in'. The invite your husband received is to the wedding, why so many people think that this means you can't spend the night in the hotel and have a spa day while there amazes me. If I were you I would go, avoid anything wedding related and just have a night weekend to myself in a nice venue while the husband goes to the wedding stuff with his family. I don't see any issue with that.
I also wouldn't see the issue is your husband decided to do out to another bar with you the night before instead of the one in the hotel instead of going to the pre-wedding drinks and same if he decided to do something different with you instead of going to the breakfast the next morning.

Given she said "I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance" there was a clear vibe of hoping that being around would lead to an invitation to join in

PinkTonic · 29/05/2025 20:20

The B&G have caused this by excluding spouses and having a do that involves two nights in a hotel. They have no business being put out if those guests decide to make a weekend of it with their partners to get best value from the hotel stay and just go to the wedding itself. It’s a good compromise alternative to declining the invitation.

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