Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

I think that's a fair comment.

You Say that your husband’s cousin has 11 first cousins; my partner’s cousin had something like 63/65 first cousins!!!!

Like your scenario he too wrote a letter prior to his marriage. He explained that because of recent events he saw family as important and wanted to invite all of his cousins first and some second and some first cousins once removed.

His friend had done something similar before Covid and he was inspired by this friend’s wedding.

No spouses were invited except the eldest cousin’s wife who was his Godmother.

He said that some friends were invited with spouses

He explained that to accommodate everyone food would consist of two buffets throughout the afternoon and evening.

Everything crystal clear.

Like your set up, hotel with pool, golf club, spa, on lake in Ireland near historic sites.

He said in his letter prior to invitations that he would prefer that guests didn’t come with partners as when his friend had done something similar the elder members of the family kept inviting the spouses who were in the hotel, two of the uncles felt obliged to put a couple of grand behind bar and once the disco started the spouses all rocked up to dance sending the hotel staff reeling.

I think you have every right to share that room that your husband has paid for BUT rightly or wrongly it puts the actual bride and groom and guests in a difficult position.

Auntie Bridie will spot a spouse in the hotel and will want to chat and then the wedding’s focus will be lost,

Now imagine how we felt when my brother didn’t invite our spouses? “If we invite people who are important to you we won’t have room for people who are important to us.” Is what he said to my sister.

No one has said they cant use the hotel - they have just said that there are arrangements for wedding guests to have drinks together in a private bar the night before and breakfast together the day after. If you were staying in a hotel and someone else was having a wedding or a company was having a conference with these logistics in place for their guests/staff you wounldnt tresspass their booked private space. Of course you can use all other areas of the hotel.

Wow, yabvvu.
Why would you book yourself into the hotel where the venue was? I can't believe that the wedding party had mention no gatecrashing.

They are married - so it is THEIR family!

perhaps I’m a bit weird but once I got married we come as a pair in each other’s families. I have their surname- I’m part of the clan! It would honestly be weird, after 25 years, for my husband to spend time at a wedding of his cousins without me there. I’ve been part of their family longer than I have not been part of it.

I love my sibling but honestly I didn’t think we’d know how to act on these occasions without our spouses being there!

💯

No, it's because some of their cousins' spouses are batshit and don't know how to behave.

Yes but you can extrapolate like that til the cows come home, that was more my point. OP needs to stay home, it's embarrassing to turn up somewhere when you weren't invited. Have some self respect and let your husband have a nice weekend with his family.

I think it’s about getting value out of sn expensive hotel room ...

Very possibly, @Genevieva, but the trouble is that some - and I'm not saying OP is necessarily one of them - then go on to say "Well we've paid all this money to attend so why shouldn't we have a drink/meal/whatever on them?"

All the B&G need is a few more taking this attitude and they've soon got a much bigger bill than they bargained for, and while views will vary on whether spouses should have been invited in the first place the DH didn't have to accept his

Weird logic. The same cost buys a night away for one or a night away for two. Most normal people would see it as better value for two, surely!

Weird logic. You're paying for it anyway, ita not suddenly cheaper for someone else to stay. Are you like Ross and take the batteries from the remote and the lightbulbs too??! 😜

We had the entire Arsenal team invade the dance floor at our wedding in the early 90s. It was like ....what bride and groom??

I get that they've had to limit numbers, but it's a bit crass to say people can't bring partners. Personally I would just have had a smaller wedding, or just a giant evening party. Less stress all round.

But it’s not luxurious to hide away in a room and spend a weekend darting behind pillars and peering through doors making “ask me to dance” faces. Not is it luxurious for the DH not to get to fully partake in the wedding with his family because he’s had to compromise and stay elsewhere from his cousins and has to keep excusing himself from events around the wedding to go and keep OP company – some have suggested he merely “pops in” for a drink with the wedding crowd the night before but has dinner with OP. Or, shocking idea: she stays at home and he enjoys the night out!

It’s not a “we” situation. Her DH has been invited, he can make the most of it. If the family finances can’t handle that, the answer is to decline, not to bring OP along! The room costs the same either way, it’s not suddenly more bang for buck because her head’s using the other pillow – that’s a “putting muffins from the hotel buffet in your handbag for later” attitude. (I wouldn’t put it past this thread to suggest the DH snaffles OP some dinner and a bit of wedding cake, sneaking it up to the room on a napkin, actually.)

I think it’s about getting value out of sn expensive hotel room rather than that.

Exclusionary attitudes at weddings are unbecoming. With 11 cousins it is perhaps understandable if they can’t afford to have 11 extra spouses at the wedding reception, but it’s overly controlling and downright rude to say the spouses can’t make use of the hotel that weekend.

I don’t get these posters who can’t be away from their husband for a night. I’m reading all the posts in the voice of hyacinth bucket… and imagining the husbands going ‘yes dear’ 😂😂

I don't think OP's mentioned her family finances. For many of us, staying at a nice hotel is a luxury to be savoured. We wouldn't be able to just pop off for a weekend like that when we wanted and, having forked out for the room plus all the associated wedding-guest expenses, would want to make the most of it.

I do think it's rude of the couple to dictate what guests may do with their rooms! You want that much control, you pay for it.

Or she could stay home and do literally anything else that weekend? They’re not going to die if he goes to a wedding without her.

OP - they asked nicely, explained it. it’s not personal.

so just respect their wishes and don’t turn up for ffs!! It’s not just about paying for things but your presence - what if other partners find out you were there and don’t understand the context? Also, I’m not being funny but I would want to have to see someone I didn’t invite at breakfast the next morning.

I don’t think you would be unreasonable to go and stay at the hotel and do your own thing whilst your DH is at the wedding. Unless it is a free bar for invited guests the night before they would also be a bit petty not allowing you to join them for a drink in the hotel bar the night before. I can understand them restricting numbers for the actual wedding due to costs.

I think it’s poor form of the groom here. It’s ok to have a smaller guest list for the wedding itself but I don’t think he can dictate what guests do the night before or at the breakfast the day after if he hasn’t paid for the rooms and the breakfast.

OP I would go and do as you have suggested. Stay away from ‘their’ bar the night before and go for breakfast at a time that suits you and avoid their area. I have a feeling they might cringe and regret this in years to come

I don’t see any reason why you shouldn’t use the hotel room your husband has booked to have a spa day as long as you have some ground rules. don’t join him in the bar the night before ( perhaps you two have dinner out?) and he pops in for a quick drink. You shouldn’t go anywhere near the wedding day and evening reception .
If breakfast is paid for by individual guests there is no reason why you can’t have breakfast together but perhaps don’t sit near the bride and groom . Or perhaps sit with the other spouses at the other end of the restaurant.
There may be some bad feeling now though that the bride and groom have been so forthright about wanting spouses to stay away… not very nice .

Can't believe how rude you and the cousin partners are.

It’s not precious or a bit much to want to spend time with family the evening before having a drink or sharing breakfast with them the next day to share thought etc on the day. It’s a nice time to catch up.
It is an invitation not a summons so if your partner is bothered then he could decline those invites and spend time with you? Why hasn’t he done that? Is it because he wants to do those things?

Of course couples like being together, it's also good for people to have some time apart occasionally. This is just weird. Poor guy probably was looking forward to having a weekend away.

Well, just don't go and book yourself another hotel far away for the night.
Why would you hang around the hotel while the wedding was on, peeping through the doors and waiting for someone drunk enough to sneak you in.. becuase thats whag would happen.
I wouldnt enjoy staying at the hotel if ai knew my partner was at the wedding and it puts pressure on him to keep popping out and seeing you. Leave him to have this family time and find something else to do that weekend.