Page 4 | Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

Notmotherofflowergirls · 2025-05-29T10:19:21+00:00

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding. Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding. The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them. I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out. Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there. Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together. What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

LouiseK93 · 30/05/2025 20:55

Yeah but if the person isn't wanted, it's a bit embarrassing to turn up and hang around

mumda · 30/05/2025 20:49

What's a mother in law's nephew?

Is that like a fifteenth cousin twice removed?

Flashahah · 30/05/2025 20:44

Why not just deliver the invite?

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decline

Flashahah · 30/05/2025 20:44

Ferrit6 · 30/05/2025 20:37

I think you have every right to stay in the room you and your husband have paid for -I don’t understand weddings that split couples when a wedding is all about a union - that said if they can’t afford extra numbers that’s different - what’s changed in recent years that people spend silly amounts getting married and do not care if they cause upset in other households by their decisions - maybe your husband and you could go and eat elsewhere - did you invite cousins and partners to yours as if you did this is even more understandable that you are disappointed …but you should go if you want - why care what they think they don’t care that much about you do they ?

Why not just deliver the invite?

godmum56 · 30/05/2025 20:43

Ferrit6 · 30/05/2025 20:37

I think you have every right to stay in the room you and your husband have paid for -I don’t understand weddings that split couples when a wedding is all about a union - that said if they can’t afford extra numbers that’s different - what’s changed in recent years that people spend silly amounts getting married and do not care if they cause upset in other households by their decisions - maybe your husband and you could go and eat elsewhere - did you invite cousins and partners to yours as if you did this is even more understandable that you are disappointed …but you should go if you want - why care what they think they don’t care that much about you do they ?

If you don't approve of someone's wedding invitation decisions then you don't go.

Lilactimes · 30/05/2025 20:41

knor · 30/05/2025 19:29

I’m a bit surprised you’re so keen to attend the hotel OP. Sounds like the groom and bride made some tough decisions re guest list (probs due to money) and as you said, you haven’t been singled out at all.

Even if the general public is allowed in parts of the hotel, I would just avoid it and not go. It’s awkward to be there when you’re not invited and awkward to hope they’ll invite you in for a dance. As someone mentioned, the groom is obviously worried they’ll have to pay extra and if you go and “have a dance” it’s harsh on the other cousins spouses.

I would book a spa weekend in a completely different hotel and enjoy yourself!

im also a tiny bit petty and as I wasn’t invited, I wouldn’t want to go and then just attend the breakfast etc

Totally agree - do something fab you’ve always wanted to do for yourself!

Ferrit6 · 30/05/2025 20:37

I think you have every right to stay in the room you and your husband have paid for -I don’t understand weddings that split couples when a wedding is all about a union - that said if they can’t afford extra numbers that’s different - what’s changed in recent years that people spend silly amounts getting married and do not care if they cause upset in other households by their decisions - maybe your husband and you could go and eat elsewhere - did you invite cousins and partners to yours as if you did this is even more understandable that you are disappointed …but you should go if you want - why care what they think they don’t care that much about you do they ?

LadyHexham · 30/05/2025 20:20

Just let your husband enjoy himself, drink a bit too much, snore his bloody head off and wake up with a hangover in peace.

Do something you have wanted to do for ages.
Cinema, gallery, spa, long soak in the bath with candles and wine?
Relax, knowing there's nobody there to burst the bubble.

Ponderingwindow · 30/05/2025 19:30

I would call the hotel and find out if it has been hired for the exclusive use of the wedding. If not, clarify if the bar will be open the night before the wedding or if it is closed for a private event.

if the hotel will have non-wedding guests, proceed with your plans. If it is booked exclusively, then I would stay home.

knor · 30/05/2025 19:29

I’m a bit surprised you’re so keen to attend the hotel OP. Sounds like the groom and bride made some tough decisions re guest list (probs due to money) and as you said, you haven’t been singled out at all.

Even if the general public is allowed in parts of the hotel, I would just avoid it and not go. It’s awkward to be there when you’re not invited and awkward to hope they’ll invite you in for a dance. As someone mentioned, the groom is obviously worried they’ll have to pay extra and if you go and “have a dance” it’s harsh on the other cousins spouses.

I would book a spa weekend in a completely different hotel and enjoy yourself!

im also a tiny bit petty and as I wasn’t invited, I wouldn’t want to go and then just attend the breakfast etc

Flashahah · 30/05/2025 19:28

cardboardvillage · 30/05/2025 18:46

eleven first cousins!!! Sounds like they have been ever so polite

stay away!!!

I have probably triple that! I’ll sit down one day and count.

I’m from a large Irish catholic background in both sides. 🇮🇪.

In recent years, the way to “slim” down the numbers was to invite one cousin from each family and their partner. The cost of weddings these days means you just couldn’t invite them all. Never caused an issue. But to be honest I love the idea of inviting just the cousins (although still too many in our family), and have a good old family meet up.

Blablibladirladada · 30/05/2025 19:14

So spouses weren’t invited but still come?

What a headache…soon enough, you will receive a letter of disinvite if the ladies/monsieurs don’t calm themselves… it is just a case of « not this one »!

do something special yourself…and have fun!

cardboardvillage · 30/05/2025 18:46

eleven first cousins!!! Sounds like they have been ever so polite

stay away!!!

carchi · 30/05/2025 18:32

So if you turn up at the hotel and it's obvious that you are there then that could be embarrassing for the wedding party especially the groom. It could make them feel guilty and uncomfortable that you are there but not actually an invited guest. Also it could put pressure on them to find a way to accommodate you into the wedding. I'm not saying that this definitely how they would feel but it's the last thing that they want to have to worry about on their wedding day.

Topseyt123 · 30/05/2025 17:54

Beautifulweeds · 30/05/2025 17:51

I would be relieved and enjoy some time to myself lol 😆

So would I. 🤣

Beautifulweeds · 30/05/2025 17:51

I would be relieved and enjoy some time to myself lol 😆

Sunholidays · 30/05/2025 17:45

EWAB · 30/05/2025 11:39

You Say that your husband’s cousin has 11 first cousins; my partner’s cousin had something like 63/65 first cousins!!!!

Like your scenario he too wrote a letter prior to his marriage. He explained that because of recent events he saw family as important and wanted to invite all of his cousins first and some second and some first cousins once removed.

His friend had done something similar before Covid and he was inspired by this friend’s wedding.

No spouses were invited except the eldest cousin’s wife who was his Godmother.

He said that some friends were invited with spouses

He explained that to accommodate everyone food would consist of two buffets throughout the afternoon and evening.

Everything crystal clear.

Like your set up, hotel with pool, golf club, spa, on lake in Ireland near historic sites.

He said in his letter prior to invitations that he would prefer that guests didn’t come with partners as when his friend had done something similar the elder members of the family kept inviting the spouses who were in the hotel, two of the uncles felt obliged to put a couple of grand behind bar and once the disco started the spouses all rocked up to dance sending the hotel staff reeling.

I think you have every right to share that room that your husband has paid for BUT rightly or wrongly it puts the actual bride and groom and guests in a difficult position.

Auntie Bridie will spot a spouse in the hotel and will want to chat and then the wedding’s focus will be lost,

Now imagine how we felt when my brother didn’t invite our spouses? “If we invite people who are important to you we won’t have room for people who are important to us.” Is what he said to my sister.

In a situation like this I wouldn’t have had the wedding at a hotel. Choose another venue without accommodation if you don’t want to risk random non-invited people turning up at the bar or dance.

If you pick a hotel you cannot control who stays there unless you hire all the rooms yourself.

lizzyBennet08 · 30/05/2025 17:39

Honestly I know you’re not expecting to be invited in but I think it would look bad to be hanging around the hotel. I think it potentially could look a bit desperate.

id take myself off to someone else or do another weekend with my husband.

Feetinthegrass · 30/05/2025 16:38

Toddlerteaplease · 30/05/2025 12:36

Why on earth would you stay in a hotel when you are not invited to the wedding. It makes you look desperate.

She has paid for the hotel room ffs rtwt! 🙄

theDudesmummy · 30/05/2025 16:18

I certainly would be delighted not to be invited to a wedding full of people I don't know well, and would steer well clear.

Toddlerteaplease · 30/05/2025 12:36

Why on earth would you stay in a hotel when you are not invited to the wedding. It makes you look desperate.

Catandsquirrel · 30/05/2025 12:36

randomchap · 30/05/2025 12:15

I think this thread does highlight one of the differences between men and women. Most men I know would be delighted to not be invited to their wife's cousin's wedding.

Tell their wife to have a great time, and then have a weekend doing what they want.

I think I read one husband wanted to play golf (I'm not checking)

I get it feels a bit overwhelming for the couple with these numbers of extra admin, and may feel a bit accusatory that they haven't invited people.

However, I think they have to take it in good faith if people just want to go to the hotel and do their own thing for the weekend. The room and transport cost money and not-very-close relatives can't expect people not to make the most of it. Fine that they've reiterated the terms of the invitation itself but they haven't got the exclusive use of the hotel and it's fine for the other halves of the couples to use it without impinging on the wedding.

Each couple may have several weddings in a given year. These costs can really add up.

OP has muddied the waters wanting to join the restaurant and saying the wanted to dance (although I don't think she had any expectation, was just hoping informally). But she was fine to explore and chill in the evening.

fiveIsNewOne · 30/05/2025 12:18

randomchap · 30/05/2025 12:15

I think this thread does highlight one of the differences between men and women. Most men I know would be delighted to not be invited to their wife's cousin's wedding.

Tell their wife to have a great time, and then have a weekend doing what they want.

That's why one of the other cousin's partner plans to come along and play golf on the wedding day?

Of course I 'm guessing based on stereotypes here, but don't you agree it sounds like a male partner tagging alone?

randomchap · 30/05/2025 12:15

I think this thread does highlight one of the differences between men and women. Most men I know would be delighted to not be invited to their wife's cousin's wedding.

Tell their wife to have a great time, and then have a weekend doing what they want.

Tbrh · 30/05/2025 12:04

CantStopMoving · 30/05/2025 11:18

They are married - so it is THEIR family!

perhaps I’m a bit weird but once I got married we come as a pair in each other’s families. I have their surname- I’m part of the clan! It would honestly be weird, after 25 years, for my husband to spend time at a wedding of his cousins without me there. I’ve been part of their family longer than I have not been part of it.

I love my sibling but honestly I didn’t think we’d know how to act on these occasions without our spouses being there!

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Yes you are weird if you have to be joined at the hip to your partner, and not being a great role model if you have children. Have you never had a family event when only one of you could go due to cost or distance or something else? It's a wedding and they can only invite so many people. Have you never held a party of event where you could only invite a certain number of people? People are so narrow minded, selfish and pig headed about other people's weddings.