Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

It sounds like some guests are basically inviting their spouses to go with them and are going to let them wander in/sneak them in, which IMO is so utterly disrespectful to the B&G, don't go at all if you feel that strongly about your spouse being invited.

I wouldn't have a problem with you coming to the hotel and using the facilities as a guest of the hotel ONLY, but I would be peeved if you thought you were entitled to attend, or TRIED to attend any part of the wedding (private bar the night before, all day of the wedding and wedding and the breakfast the morning after), or tried to get your partner away from their wedding to spend time with you, the numbers will be nailed down and paid for and any extra people coming at that stage would cause agro for the B&G, and their invited guests wandering off away from the wedding to do something else is disrespectful, so why would you put them in that position?

In theory you wouldn't be able to spend any time with your partner, and you being there may make them feel guilty for leaving you on your own, there is literally no good reason you could come up with which makes sense for you to go there, only really selfish people would do this IMO.

They've invited him, not bundled him in the back of a van at gunpoint.

The bar will more than likely have been hired out and reserved so yes the hotel can tell guest that are not invited they can’t attend a private attend. Height of rudeness to attend someone you are not invited too 👍🏼

You will be forever known throughout your OHs family as that pathetic clingy weird woman who hung around someone elses wedding party pulling a sad face 'hoping you'd be invited in for a dance'.
Couldn't even let him breathe for one night and had to follow him to a hotel, presumably bringing party appropriate clothes so you can play all dressed up and nowhere to go.

Leave them alone.
They don't want you there, just like they don't want a whole other bunch of people they don't know or have barely even heard of there.
They may not even be able to afford to invite all the people who are partners to people they are probably only inviting to make your MILs generation happy.

It's not about you.

I think it’ll all be very awkward for everyone if you go to the hotel. You love weddings but this will be going to a hotel where there is a wedding, not the wedding itself unless you plan/hope to find a way in. So go somewhere else that day/night. Go to a different hotel if you fancy it but definitely don’t go to that one. You are making something unnecessarily complicated and uncomfortable. The groom and bride obviously have had to make decisions re numbers, and I think you hanging about just makes it all a bit awkward. It doesn’t sound like you are particularly close to the cousin in law, just that you love weddings and want to stay in a nice hotel. They’ve made their wishes clear and you need to listen. You could always go down the ‘it’s a hotel and anyone can go there’ line but to me that’s just trying to get round what you’ve been told and will not end well. Best wishes x

I completely agree with this. I come from a large family, but we wouldn't dream of leaving people's spouses out. You just have to find suitable venues or just have a small wedding with only immediate family.
I rather doubt the b&g are paying for the bar the night before or the breakfast the following morning.

Do you not think it will just be plain awkward for everyone involved when you inevitably bump into your in-laws - them all dressed up and enjoying a wedding and you and the other spouses (if any) can’t join in? You’re putting the guests and bride and groom in a difficult position on the day if this happens. Just respect their wishes and not go- the cousin has been more than clear

This is the third thread in the last couple of months by or about someone who hasn't been invited to a wedding showing up at it nonetheless.

I don't understand why anyone would do this. I'm cringing for you.

Yes, that's what we would do
.

I don't think it unreasonable to go to the hotel and stay away from the wedding (including the night before).
I think it would be unreasonable to hang around and be around the wedding in hopes of being invited to the evening or another element.

Saying that, the groom is unreasonable to want breakfast to be only about the wedding guests....unless they have reserved a room or time just for them.

I'm going to go against the grain here, they don't own the hotel and they haven't paid for exclusive use. I see no reason why you can't stay in the hotel room with your husband and use the spa.

But I will say that does depend on whether you intend to be cheeky and mill around the wedding areas or keep away from it all together.

It’s out of their control , I think they are fair giving you a heads up .

As a couple we would be declining. I think they have put you in a demeaning position op, and my dh wouldn’t stand for it.

Cancel and spend the money on a romantic weekend away you can both enjoy!

Yes, I agree with this. It's thoughtless and rude, but what can she do?
I don't think going to the venue is a good idea!

If the whole hotel is hired for the wedding then you can't go.

If the hotel is open to the public too then yes you can stay there and use the spa facilities.

You can't join the wedding for a dance. The reception is for wedding guests only.

You can use the spa and have breakfast in the public area of the hotel with your husband the morning after the wedding.

If they are in the bar the night before then I'd have thought that was OK but they're obviously being quite arsey about this so I'd suggest you just go for dinner with your husband and avoid the wedding group.

Your husband only needs to go to the ceremony and reception. They don't own him for the whole weekend ie the night before or the morning after.

You are entitled to enjoy the facilities at a public hotel. You can not encroach on anything to do with the ceremony or reception as you are not invited to that.

This is an issue when you don’t budget for the proper amount of guests and you try and split up couples! What did they expect?! It’s very poor form and etiquette.

Shoddy.

You either invite whole couples or you don’t invite them at all for precisely this reason.

Of course she can, but I don't think it's OK for them to demand it.

I'd imagine they don't mind other people unconnected to the wedding being there. They are trying to avoid people who specifically haven't been invited, who wouldn't be anywhere near the place if it wasn't for their wedding, going along and hanging round "hoping to be invited in for a dance". Because, believe it or not, some people might do that.

Stay well away. It’s weird for you to be in the same hotel when you’re not invited.

Unfortunately with 11 cousins it’s just a numbers game. Don’t take it personally, you’re just gonna have to miss this one.

If there are 11 cousins who could all potentially bring spouses and even children that's a lot of people. As it's the groom who is related to your family, it's possible that the brides family are footing the bill for the breakfast, bar etc (as would be traditional) and he doesn't want to set off his marriage on the wrong footing by looking like a cheeky fucker bringing loads of extra people at their expense.

Stay home.

It makes sense that if your DH is attending then unless they’ve booked the entire hotel out, you should go and make use of the spa and restaurant etc.

They can’t dictate what the uninvited partners do over the weekend and need to get to fuck if they think they can. 😂 Absolute entitled twonks.

This - cheekyfuckery to turn up and cadge a night in the hotel at a wedding you aren't invited to. I'll bet some of those CFers hoping to do this would be sneaking down to join the free bar later.

Have some self respect - don't go, do something else!

I honestly don’t know people like this is real life. It’s her husband’s cousin. So no relation to her to act so entitled 🙄

OP, whatever is going through your head, everyone there is quite reasonably going to think you have gone along to hang around on the edge looking pathetic and hoping to be invited in. Why on earth would you want to present yourself like this? Just go somewhere else.

Of course you have a right to go to the hotel. You have a right to do all sorts of things that are stupid and damaging to you.

YANBU to go for a weekend at the spa hotel since (I assume) your husband would be paying for the room anyway so its minimal extra cost to you.

YABU to expect to sneak in for dancing.

Are the couple getting married footing the bill for the night before? If not, I think they're being a bit rude excluding you from that gathering. If they are footing the bill, then you would be unreasonable to expect an invite (but IMO they are also unreasonable for hosting that instead of paying extra for partners to attend their actual wedding... but thats a separate topic!)
It would also be very reasonable for your husband to decline to attend this and spend the evening with you (and potentially some of the other cousins+partners) instead.

They are definitely BU to exclude you from breakfast the next day - assuming its a standard hotel breakfast the morning after - if its a big wedding youll all be coming in at different times and sat at different tables anyway so what difference does it make if you're there - unless they have sole use of the hotel surely there will be other guests too.