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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

591 replies

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 11:19

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

OP posts:
Flashahah · 29/05/2025 12:37

You say you’re hoping they may invite you for a dance, will you be dressed and ready for a dance? Why would you be?

strawlight · 29/05/2025 12:37

She actually turned up and did it and was pissed off that the hotel asked them to leave. Helped herself to breakfast for her and the child when she’d checked and double checked that they weren’t invited, Embarrassing.

I don’t know why people get so het up about this. Weddings cost a lot per person and with 11 cousins that could well be an extra grand just for their spouses. Sounds like the B&G have explained their reasons why in a nice polite way but OP is still stamping her feet.

Lmnop22 · 29/05/2025 12:37

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 12:33

It’s extraordinary how weddings are organised these days. We would never ever invite only half a couple, utterly bizarre. I hope op and her dh pull out of the whole thing.

Its exactly why we are now seeing record no shows at weddings, they have become a circus of vanity

Our last wedding had 28 no shows and now I can see why if the demands of the couple are this ridiculous, with no thought to their actual guests and their comfort

Edited

Can people really not do things without their husbands??

Honestly, I’m more likely to be offended at being treated like some sort of package with a partner rather than as an individual person!

AthWat · 29/05/2025 12:35

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 12:33

Yes, but now they're "hoping" everyone will have breakfast together next day. I don't think that's a usual expectation.

Anyway, OP obviously can't gatecrash any of the wedding events, but I can see why taking the opportunity to use a room and hotel facilities she and DH have paid for is appealing.

Show quote history

Why do you think they are saying that?

A. Because they want everyone to have breakfast together the next day
B. To discourage uninvited partners from coming along and hanging round hoping to be inviting in for a dance, now they have found out this is happening?

jeaux90 · 29/05/2025 12:35

Please just do your own thing OP. This sounds like very blurry boundaries all round. I also think it’s weird when partners hang round like a spare part on these things like there are trust issues/Cheeky fuckery opportunities

Shellianotwheels · 29/05/2025 12:35

nomas · 29/05/2025 12:31

This reminds me of the thread where the OP was going to hang around walking a child on the grounds of the wedding venue and try and have breakfast with the invited guests.

Does anyone else remember that? Or is it the same poster?

Yes! A breakfast that had been paid for by the bridge and groom And some idiots actually agreed with her WTF 😂😂😂

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 12:35

feelingalittlehorse · 29/05/2025 12:33

I think there are other hotels in the whole of the UK in which you could book a spa break, OP. I’d do that.

Yes, but this one is paid for, presumably by DH. Booking another doubles the cost.

Flashahah · 29/05/2025 12:35

Endofyear · 29/05/2025 11:35

Just don't go to the hotel at all. You're not invited and shouldn't be hanging around on the fringes hoping be invited in for a dance or having breakfast with the wedding guests! Go to another hotel if you want a spa break.

I agree with this.

beAsensible1 · 29/05/2025 12:34

Why are you call him MILs nephews? It’s DHs cousin

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 12:33

AthWat · 29/05/2025 12:28

They've invited him, not bundled him in the back of a van at gunpoint.

Show quote history

Yes, but now they're "hoping" everyone will have breakfast together next day. I don't think that's a usual expectation.

Anyway, OP obviously can't gatecrash any of the wedding events, but I can see why taking the opportunity to use a room and hotel facilities she and DH have paid for is appealing.

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 29/05/2025 12:33

sandyhappypeople · 29/05/2025 12:29

It sounds like some guests are basically inviting their spouses to go with them and are going to let them wander in/sneak them in, which IMO is so utterly disrespectful to the B&G, don't go at all if you feel that strongly about your spouse being invited.

I wouldn't have a problem with you coming to the hotel and using the facilities as a guest of the hotel ONLY, but I would be peeved if you thought you were entitled to attend, or TRIED to attend any part of the wedding (private bar the night before, all day of the wedding and wedding and the breakfast the morning after), or tried to get your partner away from their wedding to spend time with you, the numbers will be nailed down and paid for and any extra people coming at that stage would cause agro for the B&G, and their invited guests wandering off away from the wedding to do something else is disrespectful, so why would you put them in that position?

In theory you wouldn't be able to spend any time with your partner, and you being there may make them feel guilty for leaving you on your own, there is literally no good reason you could come up with which makes sense for you to go there, only really selfish people would do this IMO.

exactly this

HenDoNot · 29/05/2025 12:33

I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance

Absolutely cringing for you, hanging around outside the evening do, all dressed up, hoping to be invited in, like some desperate cling on.

Don’t go. Don’t embarrass yourself or your DH.

Commonsenseisnotsocommon · 29/05/2025 12:33

You are demanding, self absorbed and extremely childish. IT IS NOT ABOUT YOU!

Eddielizzard · 29/05/2025 12:33

He's being really unwelcoming. He's making it absolutely clear he doesn't want you there.

Don't go. It would be awful to go to the hotel and him to see you and feel like you're not wanted. Absolutely can't go to the hotel now.

feelingalittlehorse · 29/05/2025 12:33

I think there are other hotels in the whole of the UK in which you could book a spa break, OP. I’d do that.

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 12:33

It’s extraordinary how weddings are organised these days. We would never ever invite only half a couple, utterly bizarre. I hope op and her dh pull out of the whole thing.

Its exactly why we are now seeing record no shows at weddings, they have become a circus of vanity

Our last wedding had 28 no shows and now I can see why if the demands of the couple are this ridiculous, with no thought to their actual guests and their comfort

AthWat · 29/05/2025 12:32

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 12:21

This is an issue when you don’t budget for the proper amount of guests and you try and split up couples! What did they expect?! It’s very poor form and etiquette.

Shoddy.

You either invite whole couples or you don’t invite them at all for precisely this reason.

Edited

You invite whole couples when they are the people you really want to come. You invite just one when it's someone you feel obliged to invite for family reasons, but you really don't care if they come or not.
The OP's partner is under no obligation to go unless he particularly wants to, and chances are the bride and groom will not be bothered either way.

Shellianotwheels · 29/05/2025 12:32

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 12:22

As a couple we would be declining. I think they have put you in a demeaning position op, and my dh wouldn’t stand for it.

Cancel and spend the money on a romantic weekend away you can both enjoy!

I suspect you don’t get invited to much then. Surely you can cope without your husband for one night. And vice versa?

FuckityFux · 29/05/2025 12:32

WhyamIinahandcartandwherearewegoing · 29/05/2025 12:19

This - cheekyfuckery to turn up and cadge a night in the hotel at a wedding you aren't invited to. I'll bet some of those CFers hoping to do this would be sneaking down to join the free bar later.

Have some self respect - don't go, do something else!

Show quote history

Cadge a night in the hotel??? WTF are you on about?

Presumably the DH is having to pay for his hotel room so it makes far more sense that his wife joins him rather than wasting the opportunity for a night away?

I think far too many couples are all about showing off and fixated on TikTok and Insta bollocks. They’re not really thinking about why they’re getting married in the first place and what it actually means to join two families together otherwise they wouldn’t try to dictate such ridiculous terms to their guests. 🤷🏻‍♀️

nomas · 29/05/2025 12:31

This reminds me of the thread where the OP was going to hang around walking a child on the grounds of the wedding venue and try and have breakfast with the invited guests.

Does anyone else remember that? Or is it the same poster?

AthWat · 29/05/2025 12:30

ThejoyofNC · 29/05/2025 12:23

I'm going to go against the grain here, they don't own the hotel and they haven't paid for exclusive use. I see no reason why you can't stay in the hotel room with your husband and use the spa.

But I will say that does depend on whether you intend to be cheeky and mill around the wedding areas or keep away from it all together.

Instead of asking if there's any reason why you can't, ask yourself if there's any good reason why anyone would. Unless they did intend to mill around the wedding area (as the OP has admitted she did).

Sauvin · 29/05/2025 12:30

Yeah, I wouldn’t go at all. Whole thing sounds like a recipe for awkwardness and irritation.

Smilesinthesunshine · 29/05/2025 12:30

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 12:22

As a couple we would be declining. I think they have put you in a demeaning position op, and my dh wouldn’t stand for it.

Cancel and spend the money on a romantic weekend away you can both enjoy!

This would be us as well!

beAsensible1 · 29/05/2025 12:29

Insanely beggy behaviour. Do a day spa with a friend or something if you need some company.

but don’t try to sneak into the wedding it’s uncouth

pinkdelight · 29/05/2025 12:29

I think you sound wedding-mad and will be wanting to get into it at every chance. Just have a spa day somewhere else and enjoy a weekend apart.

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