Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

It does seem odd to me that at an even to celebrate a marriage and unite two families, you'd only invite half a married couple. I know it's becoming more and more the done thing, but it still seems odd to me.

This absolutely nails it.

Do you often think that it’s you who should decide how other people organise their big life-events? When it’s them paying for it?

I don't think either of you would be missed, frankly.

These posts crack me up.

The OP isn’t being ‘demeaned’, she’s simply not invited to the wedding of her MIL’s nephew. She’s not being singled out. None of the groom’s first cousin’s spouses are invited.

It’s clearly a biggish family, as the groom has written to his 11 first cousins to avoid causing offence and explain why he’s inviting them but not their spouses — presumably because the other options (invite some spouses but not others? Invite some cousins but not others?) are even more complex and likely to cause upset.

And now that it’s been made clear to him that some of the cousins’ spouses are staying in the hotel where the wedding is, he is being clear that those trailing spouses are not invited to a reserved bar the night before the wedding (possibly a free bar, or some paid-for drinks for a certain number, or a room with limited space) and that there’s no capacity for them as evening guests either, but he hopes to see them at breakfast.

Perfectly reasonable, and admirably clearly communicated to avoid disappointment on the day.

No bride and groom want to have to act as bouncers at their own wedding because Cousin Bob’s wife Brenda doesn’t see how she’d be a bother if she just sat in the back row to see the dress, and sat on Bob’s knee and shared his starter at dinner so she could hear the speeches, and got stuck in doing ‘Rock the Boat’ on the dance floor because she’s sure no one will mind.

And Cousin Nigel’s wife Flo thinks if Brenda is doing it, why can’t she, it’s not like anyone will notice, and she brought her fascinator in her golf bag just in case etc etc. And meanwhile the bride is hissing ‘I thought you told them!’ and the groom is saying ‘I did, I swear!’

So cringe 🤢How did you come to the conclusion the music will be better than the wedding?

Yes, but he's saying they don't want DH to break up the party and have breakfast with his wife.

Groom is not 'requiring' DH's attendance for the whole weekend. He has organised a private bar area for guests staying in the venue the night before the wedding, and a breakfast area where they can all eat together the morning after It's quite thoughtful really as his cousins are invited without their partners and some might be uncomfortable drinking/eating solo.

Yes of course the married couple are being tight 😂 I find it really bizarre when one person in a couple can’t do anything without their spouse. It reeks of insecurity and controlling behaviour. What you think it’s coming to happen? A quicky with the bridesmaid in the loo? Get over it

Oh yes! And do it in the area where the wedding is, and then all the spouses can benefit from the hotel rooms their family money has paid for, for a wedding they can't attend!

They can have a nice group breakfast next day too.

if you have to have limited numbers for an wedding of course you invite your actual family.

11 Cousins or 5 cousins and their spouse? Obviously 11 cousins

Let me guess, you're going to wear a white ballgown too?

Batshit.

I think you need to take a long, hard look at yourself and ask what it is in you that can't accept you are not invited to this wedding. Do you think that turning up at the hotel and forcing the happy couple to ask you to join them will be some sort of victory or will you just look sad and pitiful?

Sorry OP but I agree with this. Whilst it’s true he doesn’t have any say over who can or cannot stay in the hotel, having people’s spouses hang around on the fringes will be just be awkward as hell, and they’ll probably feel obliged to include you in parts of the wedding even though they obviously don’t have the budget or capacity to do so.

And you’ve said that you’re kind of hoping to sneak in, which is what they’re worried about and will feel awful refusing on the day itself.

Just leave them be and find another hotel if you want a nice spa break. It sounds like they’ve been absolutely open and even-handed about it, and have been scrupulously fair to everyone in order to avoid drama at their wedding. It’s sad for you not to be included, but let them have their day without adding to their stress.

He is saying very clearly, and politely, that non-guests (including you) will not be able to access the parts of the hotel reserved (and paid) for guests (including your DH). This includes a bar area, the evening before the wedding, and a dining area for breakfast, the morning after. If you stay in the hotel your DH either drinks and has breakfast with the other wedding guests or with you - he can't do both.

Op in your place I would organise a counter party for the spouses! A pub crawl, followed by dinner and a nightclub! There is no reason why you can’t dance the night away! The music is likely to be better than the wedding at least

Set up a group chat today - the great uninvited goes on tour or similar 🥂
😅

its not like it’s a surprise. DH would’ve rsvp’d. If he didn’t want to go without his wife he didn’t have to.

But stopping your partner from attending a family when they’ve very politely explained that they can’t invite everyone but really want their actual family members
to come is very poor form

it’s not a snub. Most couples don’t bother to explain a lack of invite.

Of course you don't go. It's very rude and crass. Go with the other spouse to a different hotel and have a spa break

I think the fact that you were hoping that you would be invited in for a dance indicates that you would be willing to be dressed up and ready on the off chance that you suddenly get an invitation to the evening do even though they have not invited you.

Surely you can see you are either invited or not and you are not.

Appreciate hotels are public but there's no way I'd go to a hotel hosting a wedding I was explicitly not invited too and hang around there while my spouse was attending. Bit gauche and puts the hosts in an uncomfortable position. I think I'd book myself something really lovely to do that weekend somewhere else.

Your husband only needs to go to the ceremony and reception. They don't own him for the whole weekend ie the night before or the morning after.

Perhaps her husband actually wants to go for the whole weekend. It's his family, maybe he's looking forward to having time for a proper catchup with everyone. Which will be easier without spouses in tow.

You could have beefy security, metal detectors, dogs circling the premises. Panic alarms organised should a random lady consider a stray dance to ABBA 😱

Or you could just do the decent thing and stop being so bloody tight and invite couples or accept a smaller wedding that you can afford!

Did you not read what the OP wrote? He hasn’t said that at all.

Why would there be 22 plus ones?
That would only work if all of the 11 invited cousins had 2 spouses each!

OP it's weird to me you're going at all tbh. Just stay at home or go on a spa break somewhere else with a friend if that's what you want to do with your weekend. Why would you want to travel to a random hotel just to hang around by yourself all day, with the added awkwardness of potentially bumping into actual invited guests in the sauna or whatever and making polite conversation about the wedding you weren't invited to?

If theyve reserved the bar for the wedding then it's fair enough that he's reminding people you can't use it if you aren't invited to the wedding! While he can't insist on your dh eating breakfast with them instead of with you (I think this is what you were getting at, it wasn't very clear), again, don't you think it will just be a bit weird to be eating breakfast near but not part of the wedding party?

I think it’s bizarre spouses who have been specifically not invited are going and hanging about. The fact they’ve had to clarify again “the restrictions” is probably because they’re exasperated that very clear invites have still been taken as “oh I’ll just go and loiter about outside”. Spouses aren’t invited for a reason (likely space/ cost) so it’s weird that some of your are turning up and expecting to be included in any aspect of the wedding celebrations when they are either paying by head or simply can’t fit you all.