Page 15 | Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

Notmotherofflowergirls · 2025-05-29T10:19:21+00:00

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding. Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding. The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them. I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out. Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there. Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together. What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

SouperstarDJ · 29/05/2025 13:59

Thank goodness you've seen sense and decided not to go. Honestly, you would have looked like a right knob (or nob, I'm never sure) hanging around hoping to be invited to dance.

AthWat · 29/05/2025 13:58

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 13:55

Well OP doesn't say she doesn't know them, and how are cousins spouses supposed to get to know the family if they're never invited to anything?

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I'm 55 and have been married for 25 years and I don't know anyone beyond my partner's parents and siblings. I may have seen a cousin once or twice. I will die not knowing them, and neither they nor I will suffer for that because I have my own circle of relatives and friends, and so do they.

YourWildAmberSloth · 29/05/2025 13:58

This happened with my friends wedding - uninvited people came to stay at the same hotel and basically just took the piss and kept getting in the way. Wandering up asking if they could quickly take pictures with the bridal party, could they have a bit of cake - one slice won't hurt, trying to get drinks - offering to pay but again this caused confusion amongst staff, who had to keep checking with the bridal party which was annoying. Sounds like he is trying avoid issues of uninvited guests mingling with invited guests and all of the problems that this can cause. I don't think they are being unreasonable. Is it so hard to just stay away? If you must have a spa break that weekend, you could just go elsewhere or go to that hotel on a different day.

BarbaricYawp · 29/05/2025 13:55

I think you've probably made the least incendiary decision but omg what are weddings and wedding rules and wedding etiquette and wedding instagram protocols etc coming to. I don't think you were doing anything wrong in what you originally planned. The world's going fucking mad.

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 13:55

AthWat · 29/05/2025 13:53

You can't see the difference between him seeing the family he possibly grew up with and probably saw a lot of, as children, and his spouse, who has likely barely ever met any of them, seeing them?

Really?

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Well OP doesn't say she doesn't know them, and how are cousins spouses supposed to get to know the family if they're never invited to anything?

AthWat · 29/05/2025 13:55

RellieAngst · 29/05/2025 13:53

So 11 cousins, the grooms mum and dad, and let’s say 2 siblings with partners. That’s 17 people. Double that for the bride and that’s 34 people before friends. That’s a small wedding.

It wouldn’t have killed them to say family only, but spouses welcome at night. Having an evening do, with a self paid bar, with some sausage rolls really costs very little more.

But no, here we have another couple who think the sun and moon revolve around them, and to hell with anyone else’s feelings.

OP, obviously don’t gatecrash or even go to the hotel. Tell your DH that since you aren’t family, there’s no need for you to do anything for any of them moving forward. If you’ve ever lifted a finger for his extended family, don’t bother again.

But no, here we have another couple who think the sun and moon revolve around them, and to hell with anyone else’s feeling

Maybe it's not so much "to hell with anyone else's feelings" so much as they made the mistake of thinking they were dealing with adults, who wouldn't start throwing their toys around and bawling because they so wanted to go to the wedding of someone they barely know.

A big mistake on their part, clearly,

MichaelandKirk · 29/05/2025 13:54

Ditto 'trailing spouses'! But the OP doesnt want to trail - she wants to hang around hoping to be asked to join in to whatever is going on. We only had 30 people at our wedding many many years ago and cut out whole families or just one husand or wife.

NOT ONE PERSON HAD AN ISSUE WITH IT!

We didnt have any children at the event and again although a few people did have kids with such a limited number no one complained. What the OP is trying to do is most strange. And stranger still that she doesnt think there is much wrong with her cunning plan!

randomchap · 29/05/2025 13:54

RellieAngst · 29/05/2025 13:53

So 11 cousins, the grooms mum and dad, and let’s say 2 siblings with partners. That’s 17 people. Double that for the bride and that’s 34 people before friends. That’s a small wedding.

It wouldn’t have killed them to say family only, but spouses welcome at night. Having an evening do, with a self paid bar, with some sausage rolls really costs very little more.

But no, here we have another couple who think the sun and moon revolve around them, and to hell with anyone else’s feelings.

OP, obviously don’t gatecrash or even go to the hotel. Tell your DH that since you aren’t family, there’s no need for you to do anything for any of them moving forward. If you’ve ever lifted a finger for his extended family, don’t bother again.

Wow

Worst advice on the thread. Well done

AthWat · 29/05/2025 13:53

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 13:49

You've just explained exactly why spouses should be invited 😂

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You can't see the difference between him seeing the family he possibly grew up with and probably saw a lot of, as children, and his spouse, who has likely barely ever met any of them, seeing them?

Really?

RellieAngst · 29/05/2025 13:53

So 11 cousins, the grooms mum and dad, and let’s say 2 siblings with partners. That’s 17 people. Double that for the bride and that’s 34 people before friends. That’s a small wedding.

It wouldn’t have killed them to say family only, but spouses welcome at night. Having an evening do, with a self paid bar, with some sausage rolls really costs very little more.

But no, here we have another couple who think the sun and moon revolve around them, and to hell with anyone else’s feelings.

OP, obviously don’t gatecrash or even go to the hotel. Tell your DH that since you aren’t family, there’s no need for you to do anything for any of them moving forward. If you’ve ever lifted a finger for his extended family, don’t bother again.

Sofiewoo · 29/05/2025 13:53

My husband has every right to go to his cousin’s wedding with his family.

Stop! No he doesn’t!

WhatNoRaisins · 29/05/2025 13:53

I wouldn't think badly either. Petrol is expensive as are hotel rooms. Might as well make good use of said things.

AthWat · 29/05/2025 13:52

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 12:53

Op in your place I would organise a counter party for the spouses! A pub crawl, followed by dinner and a nightclub! There is no reason why you can’t dance the night away! The music is likely to be better than the wedding at least

Set up a group chat today - the great uninvited goes on tour or similar 🥂
😅

Edited

Yes, perfect, a weekend away with a lot of people you don't know, who could be absolutely appalling! That'll show them for not inviting you to their wedding!

Seriously, it will show everyone she's an obessive lunatic just as much as turning up uninvited would.

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 13:49

HonoriaBulstrode · 29/05/2025 13:48

I am amazed your dh wants to go at all, a huge expense for a wedding.

Amazed that he wants to spend a weekend with his extended family - something that probably doesn't happen very often?

When you get to a certain age, often the only time you see extended family members is at funerals. You need to take these opportunities when you can.

You've just explained exactly why spouses should be invited 😂

HonoriaBulstrode · 29/05/2025 13:48

I am amazed your dh wants to go at all, a huge expense for a wedding.

Amazed that he wants to spend a weekend with his extended family - something that probably doesn't happen very often?

When you get to a certain age, often the only time you see extended family members is at funerals. You need to take these opportunities when you can.

Arquebuse · 29/05/2025 13:48

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 13:37

I don’t know half the spouses and wouldn’t particularly want or need to spend time with them anyway. I just wanted to take advantage of the amenities.

I had absolutely no intention of sneaking into dance or hang around the public bits of the hotel.

I would have liked to go to the Italian restaurant belonging to the hotel and have a drink with my husband and anybody who had been staying the night before and obviously have breakfast in the hotel.

But I won’t go now as I don’t want people to think badly of me like a lot of you do.

I wouldn’t think remotely badly of you for staying in the hotel at the same time as the wedding and doing your own thing, unless you were actually hanging out dressed in heels and a floral frock and looking hopeful near the door of the room where the ceremony or the reception was happening, or photobombing the photos! But you’ve said you’re not planning to do this. Use the spa, eat dinner, go to the nearby stately home. Have fun.

Shellianotwheels · 29/05/2025 13:48

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 13:40

Op I would bail out of this thread now. The savaging is inevitable,

Its poor form they couldn’t even manage an evening invite, and poor form splitting up a couple. We wouldn’t go to this kind of wedding, half the fun is enjoying it with your other half!! A massive waste of money really unless you are both going to enjoy it.

I hope whatever you decide you enjoy a fun evening. It’s their loss, you sound like great fun and just the kind to get everyone up and dancing! Nothing worse than an empty dance floor all night - really sours the evening. Anyway not your problem 🙏🏼

Edited

Are you a wife of another cousin who’s not invited? You’re very invested in this to have commented all that crap.

FamBae · 29/05/2025 13:48

Arquebuse · 29/05/2025 13:04

These posts crack me up.

The OP isn’t being ‘demeaned’, she’s simply not invited to the wedding of her MIL’s nephew. She’s not being singled out. None of the groom’s first cousin’s spouses are invited.

It’s clearly a biggish family, as the groom has written to his 11 first cousins to avoid causing offence and explain why he’s inviting them but not their spouses — presumably because the other options (invite some spouses but not others? Invite some cousins but not others?) are even more complex and likely to cause upset.

And now that it’s been made clear to him that some of the cousins’ spouses are staying in the hotel where the wedding is, he is being clear that those trailing spouses are not invited to a reserved bar the night before the wedding (possibly a free bar, or some paid-for drinks for a certain number, or a room with limited space) and that there’s no capacity for them as evening guests either, but he hopes to see them at breakfast.

Perfectly reasonable, and admirably clearly communicated to avoid disappointment on the day.

No bride and groom want to have to act as bouncers at their own wedding because Cousin Bob’s wife Brenda doesn’t see how she’d be a bother if she just sat in the back row to see the dress, and sat on Bob’s knee and shared his starter at dinner so she could hear the speeches, and got stuck in doing ‘Rock the Boat’ on the dance floor because she’s sure no one will mind.

And Cousin Nigel’s wife Flo thinks if Brenda is doing it, why can’t she, it’s not like anyone will notice, and she brought her fascinator in her golf bag just in case etc etc. And meanwhile the bride is hissing ‘I thought you told them!’ and the groom is saying ‘I did, I swear!’

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..... trailing spouses!😂😂 😂

cardibach · 29/05/2025 13:47

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 13:37

Or to choose a venue where you could afford to accommodate everyone.

As I said, I know it's an old fashioned view, but if you're going to do it and have 11 couples paying for hotel rooms, you can't be too surprised when someone of them choose to share them with their spouse. Attending a wedding is an expensive business, it doesn't seem unreasonable to me to want to take advantage of a hotel room you've paid for and have a nice weekend of your own while DH is occupied at a wedding.

The hoping for a dance is odd though.

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I don’t necessarily think the venue size is the issue. I suspect it’s the numbers. 11 extra people you don’t really know (OP says she doesn’t know the other spouses, so it doesn’t look like they socialise) is a big expense. The cousins can decline if they don’t want to pay for a hotel room. Or get up early and drive there in the morning.

Springtime43 · 29/05/2025 13:47

OP, its your MIL's nephew getting married - so whilst distantly related, I wouldn't call the nephew 'family.' Its wrong of the bride and groom to exclude spouses but I still think you should be elsewhere that weekend.

FuckityFux · 29/05/2025 13:45

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 13:19

Right I have no idea why people think I am insecure or controlling or desperate for free food and alcohol.

I think it’s sad when close cousins aren’t invited to weddings and I think it would be sadder if they weren’t invited because the couple couldn’t afford the cousins’ spouses. My husband has every right to go to his cousin’s wedding with his family.

The hotel can be booked by anybody, the bridal couple do not have exclusive use of it.

I have as I said, in my original post no intention of going to the ceremony. I think it’s pathetic when people use a clerical rule from medieval times to go to someone’s wedding. Nor did I say I would gatecrash the band in the evening. I secretly hoped I might be invited to have a dance but I most certainly wouldn’t hang around outside the door all doe eyed.

I merely thought I could use the hotel room that my husband has booked and paid for, use the facilities, walk to the stately home in the village and relax.

We had no idea about the bar the night before or the breakfast in the evening. I have no idea if the night before is a free bar or how many guests are staying the night before nor about whether the breakfast the day after is in the public area but husband has actually paid for 2 breakfasts.

I am not going now as I don’t want people in real life to think I have inappropriate intentions like most of you do.

I am totally supportive of them not inviting cousins’ spouses but think the night before and the morning after is a bit precious.

Ignore the TOWIE type posters. As you can tell, it’s all about maintaining an unrealistic image with that type. Sad really. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I think you should go and share the hotel room with your DH and spend the weekend enjoying the rest if the hotel’s facilities and touring the local area.

Other people’s weddings are pretty boring so after enduring the ceremony and meal, your DH will probably be quite keen for some decent company. 😉

Arlanymor · 29/05/2025 13:45

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 13:26

He wouldn’t have to go to any lengths if he was able to figure out wedding etiquette rather than trying to do a big wedding on the cheap!! It is embarrassing agreed, it screams cheapskate rather than classy wedding. Especially when the army of spouses end up partying nearby!!

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Oh I didn’t realise you were his bank manager and had the intimidate details of his financial situation.

The fact is he has a massive family and has cut his cloth accordingly. It doesn’t scream cheapskate it screams ‘sensible man not wanting to start his married life drowning in debt’.

No not ‘embarrassing agreed’ when you are shaming him for his available cash flow whereas I think it’s embarrassing to essentially tag along to something you haven’t been invited to. Do you regularly rock up to events you don’t have an invitation?

Army of spouses? Hyperbolic much…

MichaelandKirk · 29/05/2025 13:44

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 13:40

Op I would bail out of this thread now. The savaging is inevitable,

Its poor form they couldn’t even manage an evening invite, and poor form splitting up a couple. We wouldn’t go to this kind of wedding, half the fun is enjoying it with your other half!! A massive waste of money really unless you are both going to enjoy it.

I hope whatever you decide you enjoy a fun evening. It’s their loss, you sound like great fun and just the kind to get everyone up and dancing! Nothing worse than an empty dance floor all night - really sours the evening. Anyway not your problem 🙏🏼

Edited

Really? The OP sounds bonkers. The savaging isnt inevitable. I wonder if this is a wind up? It sounds very strange that someone would do something like this and think they would come out well over this.

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 13:43

vintagehope · 29/05/2025 13:37

It’s not your fucking wedding and not up to you to decide what is the best decision or budget for someone else’s wedding.

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It’s a cheap way to fill a venue, and of course you have to be a certain type of person to think it’s okay to not invite married spouses or spouses of any kind! A totally shit idea if you haven’t got an exclusive venue especially. They could be sharing the space with all sorts. So their look out I would say.

MyDeftDuck · 29/05/2025 13:43

Unless they bride and groom have hired the whole hotel for their wedding they CANNOT dictate who stays there.
Personally, I wouldn’t stay elsewhere and give the wedding party a very wide berth, they sound so precious and entitled. FWIW I wouldn’t even send a congratulations card either, but that’s just me.