Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

591 replies

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 11:19

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

OP posts:
Sunshineismyfavourite · 29/05/2025 14:28

It sounds like he has a big family! Totally get why he can't invite everyone. 11 cousins is a lot!

I think you're going to have to accept this one OP. The restrictions are that the venue is too small for guests of the guests which I don't think is unreasonable at all. The cousin must have heard that guests of guests will be turning up and he clearly doesn't want it turning into a free for all. To say you hoped you'd be invited in for a dance is also a bit weird tbh - you haven't been invited. Why you would want to spend the day at a hotel when there is a wedding going on that you're not going to is a bit beyond me tbh.

I'd stay at home or book myself somewhere lovely to go to instead.

Inertia · 29/05/2025 14:25

I can see both sides here. It’s reasonable to use a hotel room /facilities that your household has paid for. On the other hand, the presence of uninvited spouses is likely to make the bride/ groom/ relatives uncomfortable, and could make things tricky for hotel staff. It could also make your husband pretty uncomfortable if he has to duck out of wedding events to accompany you, or ask you to leave wedding activities.

If finances allow, I would use the time to go to a different spa hotel with friends or family members.

Can your husband change to a twin room and share the cost with one of the other cousins?

CantStopMoving · 29/05/2025 14:20

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 14:19

They are saying they can't have breakfast with then next day, or drinks the night before though.

Show quote history

Exactly. the breakfast is in a public restaurant in the hotel which have been paid for by the OP’s husband.

CantStopMoving · 29/05/2025 14:19

myrtleWilson · 29/05/2025 14:17

The bride and groom aren't saying people can't share the hotel room with their spouse though are they?

Show quote history

Well in effect they are aren’t they. That is what is being inferred plus that’s what the pile on is saying to the OP that she is being unreasonable to stay there as it is going against the wishes of the bride and groom.

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 14:19

myrtleWilson · 29/05/2025 14:17

The bride and groom aren't saying people can't share the hotel room with their spouse though are they?

Show quote history

They are saying they can't have breakfast with then next day, or drinks the night before though.

user1498572889 · 29/05/2025 14:18

If you have paid for a double room you are not being unreasonable to use it. You have said repeatedly that you are not going to gate crash the wedding.

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 14:18

I think the groom is sending these slightly framtic messages becuase he knows what they've done isn't quite the done thing.

myrtleWilson · 29/05/2025 14:17

CantStopMoving · 29/05/2025 14:14

Exactly. If the wedding party was paying for the rooms and breakfast I’d be a bit more sympathetic to their wants but if the guests are paying, how dare they say who can stay in the room?

Show quote history

The bride and groom aren't saying people can't share the hotel room with their spouse though are they?

ARichtGoodDram · 29/05/2025 14:15

EdnaTheWitch · 29/05/2025 14:01

I wouldn’t even know who my MILs nephew is, let alone expect to go to their wedding 😂

You've never met any of your husband's cousins?

MIL's nephew is a bizarre way to describe her husband's cousin.

CantStopMoving · 29/05/2025 14:14

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 14:12

' I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.'
and you have the rest of your life to do so...

But on this occasion it's already been paid for by her DH. Are people really unable to see that a luxury hotel stay is, well a luxury, that no, not everyone can have anytime?

Show quote history

Exactly. If the wedding party was paying for the rooms and breakfast I’d be a bit more sympathetic to their wants but if the guests are paying, how dare they say who can stay in the room?

Arquebuse · 29/05/2025 14:13

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 14:03

I have met the groom and DH’s cousins and their partners hundreds of times. All cousins and their partners (not all the same partners now) came to our wedding. I would like to have been invited but it’s clearly nothing personal.

I didn’t want to go in the hope I would have been invited to have a dance, I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.

I think expressing a wish to complete strangers that I would have liked a dance has derailed the thread. I had no intention of actually hanging around the wedding with my dancing shoes.

I do think the restrictions on night before and breakfast is a bit much.

The restriction the night before is only on one bar, though. There’s nothing to stop you and your DH eating in the restaurant or having a drink together in a different bar. And if you’re staying in the hotel you get to eat breakfast!

Bloodtuch · 29/05/2025 14:12

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/05/2025 14:09

' I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.'

and you have the rest of your life to do so...

' All cousins and their partners (not all the same partners now) came to our wedding. '

ah well that was your choice / decision

just like this is his cousin's wedding, thus their choices / decisions

' I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.'
and you have the rest of your life to do so...

But on this occasion it's already been paid for by her DH. Are people really unable to see that a luxury hotel stay is, well a luxury, that no, not everyone can have anytime?

AthWat · 29/05/2025 14:11

NightDreaming · 29/05/2025 14:08

@Notmotherofflowergirls

I’m with you OP. If my husband had to pay for a hotel room to go to a wedding then I would 100% be staying and using the facilities.

The fact that the groom has sent round a 2nd message about the night before/breakfast the next day… personally I would then only book for the wedding night, I’d stay as clear from the wedding as possible, don’t want to be risked looking like I’m trying to be invited in, but I’d ignore their breakfast comment. You’re allowed to go have breakfast, just maybe sit away from groom and bride if they are being that dickish about it. Chances are half the wedding party will be too hungover to come for breakfast and will still be in bed.

She's allowed to do lots of things if she doesn't mind people thinking she's a lunatic.

What "facilities" are you going to use? You get that most of the "facilities" in hotels with "facilities" are not in on the basic room price?

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/05/2025 14:09

' I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.'

and you have the rest of your life to do so...

' All cousins and their partners (not all the same partners now) came to our wedding. '

ah well that was your choice / decision

just like this is his cousin's wedding, thus their choices / decisions

NightDreaming · 29/05/2025 14:08

@Notmotherofflowergirls

I’m with you OP. If my husband had to pay for a hotel room to go to a wedding then I would 100% be staying and using the facilities.

The fact that the groom has sent round a 2nd message about the night before/breakfast the next day… personally I would then only book for the wedding night, I’d stay as clear from the wedding as possible, don’t want to be risked looking like I’m trying to be invited in, but I’d ignore their breakfast comment. You’re allowed to go have breakfast, just maybe sit away from groom and bride if they are being that dickish about it. Chances are half the wedding party will be too hungover to come for breakfast and will still be in bed.

OhBow · 29/05/2025 14:08

Trouble is, if they realise you're there they might feel guilty not asking you to join in, then by extension paying for your food/drinks as they can't really single you out to pay for your own.

Then if several spouses did that it could really add up.

It is a shame though given you know them well. At least it's clear the lack of invitation wssn't personal.

Original poster
Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 14:03

I have met the groom and DH’s cousins and their partners hundreds of times. All cousins and their partners (not all the same partners now) came to our wedding. I would like to have been invited but it’s clearly nothing personal.

I didn’t want to go in the hope I would have been invited to have a dance, I wanted to use the hotel room and the facilities.

I think expressing a wish to complete strangers that I would have liked a dance has derailed the thread. I had no intention of actually hanging around the wedding with my dancing shoes.

I do think the restrictions on night before and breakfast is a bit much.

OP posts:
CantStopMoving · 29/05/2025 14:03

Feetinthegrass · 29/05/2025 13:40

Op I would bail out of this thread now. The savaging is inevitable,

Its poor form they couldn’t even manage an evening invite, and poor form splitting up a couple. We wouldn’t go to this kind of wedding, half the fun is enjoying it with your other half!! A massive waste of money really unless you are both going to enjoy it.

I hope whatever you decide you enjoy a fun evening. It’s their loss, you sound like great fun and just the kind to get everyone up and dancing! Nothing worse than an empty dance floor all night - really sours the evening. Anyway not your problem 🙏🏼

Edited

Yeah seems odd to me they didn’t give spouses evening invites. By that time anything goes usually and the numbers are less restricted.

I’ll be honest I would have done what the OP proposed and stayed in the room and used the spa. It wouldn’t have occurred to me that was weird. I’d have thought what a great opportunity to have a nice relaxing day and then have breakfast with my husband the next day. Why are guests expected to still be part of the wedding the next day? The event is over and I’d have thought at that point the wedding party couldn’t dictate who goes to breakfast.

this sort of thing is always weird. Have a small wedding with your nearest and dearest or have a massive one where everyone is invited. Trying to fudge inviting only one half of a couple is just a pain and just is going to annoy people.

AthWat · 29/05/2025 14:02

HonoriaBulstrode · 29/05/2025 14:00

So 11 cousins, the grooms mum and dad, and let’s say 2 siblings with partners. That’s 17 people. Double that for the bride and that’s 34 people before friends. That’s a small wedding.

Grandparents, possibly four on each side, if all still living? Maybe even a great grandparent or two? Aunts and uncles?

Friends?

I have lots of friends I am way closer to than any of my cousins.

OlderGlaswegianLivingInDevon · 29/05/2025 14:01

'I would have liked to go to the Italian restaurant belonging to the hotel '

so you actually wanted to be ' seen ' the evening before - what were you planning - a spare outfit just incase you gained a sympathy invite to the wedding ?!!!

just like you would have been appropriately dressed in the hope you got invited into the evening reception ' for a dance '

bolloks

if staying in this hotel is so important to you so you can eat in the ' italian ' restaurant, why don't you just book it for a weekend for you and your husband...

or do you really suffer from fomo ?

EdnaTheWitch · 29/05/2025 14:01

I wouldn’t even know who my MILs nephew is, let alone expect to go to their wedding 😂

Shellianotwheels · 29/05/2025 14:01

RellieAngst · 29/05/2025 13:53

So 11 cousins, the grooms mum and dad, and let’s say 2 siblings with partners. That’s 17 people. Double that for the bride and that’s 34 people before friends. That’s a small wedding.

It wouldn’t have killed them to say family only, but spouses welcome at night. Having an evening do, with a self paid bar, with some sausage rolls really costs very little more.

But no, here we have another couple who think the sun and moon revolve around them, and to hell with anyone else’s feelings.

OP, obviously don’t gatecrash or even go to the hotel. Tell your DH that since you aren’t family, there’s no need for you to do anything for any of them moving forward. If you’ve ever lifted a finger for his extended family, don’t bother again.

When was the last time you went to a wedding at a hotel that had a few sausage rolls? after a non stop date of dancing and drinking I would be starving if that’s all I ate. How are suppling the sausage rolls? What about vegans? You are deluded.

The married couple will have had to pay for the food. So yes the numbers add up. But yes blame it on the couple 😂

cardibach · 29/05/2025 14:01

RellieAngst · 29/05/2025 13:53

So 11 cousins, the grooms mum and dad, and let’s say 2 siblings with partners. That’s 17 people. Double that for the bride and that’s 34 people before friends. That’s a small wedding.

It wouldn’t have killed them to say family only, but spouses welcome at night. Having an evening do, with a self paid bar, with some sausage rolls really costs very little more.

But no, here we have another couple who think the sun and moon revolve around them, and to hell with anyone else’s feelings.

OP, obviously don’t gatecrash or even go to the hotel. Tell your DH that since you aren’t family, there’s no need for you to do anything for any of them moving forward. If you’ve ever lifted a finger for his extended family, don’t bother again.

Don't these cousins have parents? If they were in pairs of siblings there’s another 10 parents there. Plus the bride and groom may have siblings themselves. Your calculations are weird. And maybe they have big, very close, friendship groups who they know better than the cousins.
You have no idea how big the wedding is or how big the budget is.

HonoriaBulstrode · 29/05/2025 14:00

So 11 cousins, the grooms mum and dad, and let’s say 2 siblings with partners. That’s 17 people. Double that for the bride and that’s 34 people before friends. That’s a small wedding.

Grandparents, possibly four on each side, if all still living? Maybe even a great grandparent or two? Aunts and uncles?

MichaelandKirk · 29/05/2025 13:59

AthWat · 29/05/2025 13:55

But no, here we have another couple who think the sun and moon revolve around them, and to hell with anyone else’s feeling

Maybe it's not so much "to hell with anyone else's feelings" so much as they made the mistake of thinking they were dealing with adults, who wouldn't start throwing their toys around and bawling because they so wanted to go to the wedding of someone they barely know.

A big mistake on their part, clearly,

Show quote history

Quite. The wedding is the choice of the two people getting married, not someone that they dont know well or for all we know a PITA at family ocassions. They might have wanted to choose a venue where it was elegant and classy and not a self pay bar and a few sausage rolls!