Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

You are allowed to use the room your husband paid for, you just aren’t allowed to use the bar that was booked for a private function that you weren’t invited to and you can’t join a breakfast that was booked for wedding guests.

I think it’s cheeky not to invite spouses when a hotel room needs to be paid for.

If they leave out spouses it has to be a blanket rule or it would look incredibly unfair

No
You invite who you want and they invite who they want

A smaller wedding than they had surely?
Which this clearly is.

Then have a small wedding. It's rude to leave out OP when she invited them to her wedding and they have seen her hundreds of times since. She isn't stranger they barely meet.

I agree. As the wedding couple haven't paid for the rooms, they have no say in who sleeps in them. Likewise the after-breakfast: they can say they'd like the guests to join them but, as the guests are paying their own, it's up to them to choose their company.

Don't you be silly, no one's talking about inviting hundreds of guests. But if someone invites you to their wedding, you invite them back, unless you're eloping / having a small wedding.

It's not his fault. But I guess it's just a shame he feels the need to do it. I just wouldn't think such things needed to be said. But clearly he has his reasons!

It is the morning after the wedding isn’t it? The B&G are not covering anything financially the day after the wedding.

the OP and her husband don’t think therefore that her being at breakfast would be a big deal as the wedding was finished and presumably everyone will be going to breakfast at different times and heading home.

it was only after it was booked that the B&G have decided that they can dictate to the guests how they can have breakfast the next day (that they aren’t paying for!).

So if one of my cousins marries an heiress and has a massive wedding with hundreds of guests I have to do the same regardless of whether I can afford it? Don’t be silly. Invitations to events like this aren’t automatically reciprocal.

Presumably she hasn’t paid for her spa treatments yet, but if it’s far enough in advance she could likely cancel without a fee. H would want a double room to himself anyway presumably (big bed) but could possibly downgrade to a single if there’s enough time to do so. OP doesn’t give the timeline. Husband can pay for his room himself if OP doesn’t go, it shouldn’t fall on OP to pay unless they’ve gone halves for the big room.

the bride and groom should not be paying for it! OP was never invited in the first place and CHOSE to book the spa. Husband would be staying at hotel anyway, plus he was invited.

most hotels allow you to cancel or change rooms (pending availability) without a fee if done with 48-72 hours notice. If you choose a cheaper room they should refund the difference.

So you will be there, in the hotel. Where people know you. Unless you are going to walk around in a balaclava people will say

“ So weird, I just saw @Notmotherofflowergirls Wearing huge sunglasses and with her head down scurrying across the foyer/ dining room. That is , I think it was her , but when I said hi she squeaked something about I’m not here you didn’t see me, I am invisible. I never realised she was so standoffish.”

This

A flatmate and I did it a few times 😂 We were young, hard-up and on a mission to scrounge good food and drinks in as many ways as possible. Had some nice times dancing at various receptions with various people. One rather intimidating mother of the bride challenged me. I told her she was right, I wasn't invited, and it was a marvellous wedding; the canapes were the best I'd seen (well, they were pretty good). She turned out to be a proper charmer and introduced me to everyone as the wedding crasher 😍

sorry what I meant was that people keep saying that the OP should book a hotel somewhere else and have a spa break elsewhere but then she would have to pay double. Why should she? The B&G should pay for the extra room in another hotel if they don’t want her staying in it.

How would anyone invite you in for a dance? Where would you be? What would you be wearing?

Do you already have childcare for your dds OP? I can understand the FOMO so I think it's important that you do something fun that weekend (but not at the same place, to avoid awkwardness)

Why did the husband, knowing his wife wasn’t invited, pay for two breakfasts? Clearly, neither of them wants to accommodate the wishes of the main people involved.
Selfish and entitled, in my opinion.

I didn’t read that her husband had booked already. Husband should pay and go himself. It will look ridiculous if OP is wandering round the hotel to go to spa while drunken wedding guests are crashing about, as they tend to do at weddings. Hardly relaxing, plus it’ll look like she’s hinting for an invite or trying to make the Bride and groom look bad for not inviting her. Not saying she is but that is what it’ll look like. She will 99.999% bump into SOMEONE from the wedding who will ask why she wasn’t there.

Good decision to not go. I think cousin was helpful in being clear about the plans, in advance. Perhaps your husband might have felt a bit torn if all the other cousins and family were in a private bar and you were hoping he'd have a drink with you (or if he know you were alone in your hotel room); and if everyone was having breakfast together, chatting about the wedding and the events of the previous day, how would he feel seeing you sitting on your own?

Perhaps you'd have felt more excluded too, if there are several wedding related gatherings planned.

You would go to a wedding you’re not invited to…?

Her husband has booked a double room. Personally, I don't see the problem with OP going. She not going to be hanging around all day, she's already been talking about going to see the sights and use the spa.

I've been in hotels where there's been a wedding and seen nothing of it except the odd guest. It's not like she's going to gatecrash anything.

And if someone is so rude as to not give their guests a plus one, especially for a spouse, I think they kinda deserve any discomfort caused by their decision.

The behaviour of planning to gatecrash a wedding party she’s not invited to, however innocently she will try to make it appear. She should go nowhere near that hotel. If she does, she is lacking in sense and good manners!

She's said that her husband has paid for the room and two breakfasts. But he might be able to cancel without charge.

I've read your posts, @Notmotherofflowergirls, not all the replies.

Have you talked to the other cousins? You mentioned one non-invitee wanted to use the golf course; are there others? If some of them were thinking along similar lines, you might end up forming a little posse of 'non-invited non-wedding guests' and make arrangements for your group to have drinks, dinner, breakfast and so forth together.

Could be fun 😎