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AIBU?

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Original poster

Cousin-in-law’s Wedding Restrictions on spouses.

591 replies

Notmotherofflowergirls · 29/05/2025 11:19

Mother-in-law’s nephew is getting married but I am not invited and neither are any other partners of cousins . I am upset as unfashionable as this is on mumsnet, I love a wedding.

Husband’s brothers-in-law are thrilled that they don’t have to be dragged to an in-law wedding. I would refer to it as a family wedding.

The Groom wrote a letter to all of his 11 first cousins explaining his reasons. I think it’s great that he has included his cousins. It will be nice for them.

I am upset but unreasonable to be so. I am not being singled out.

Now here is my AIBU at last! I was going to stay in the hotel, a really nice one with a spa, I know another cousin’s husband was going too as well to play golf there.

Cousin has now written to everyone again saying that they understand that some spouses are going to the ceremony (I was most definitely NOT going to do this) and taking advantage of the venue’s amenities. He has said that he just wanted to say that a bar was reserved just for this invited guests the night before , this hadn’t occurred to me. There will be no further capacity for the evening (I did think, hope, that they might invite me in for a dance (I have NEVER mentioned this to anyone)and he was hoping guests would all have breakfast together.

What does everyone think? Fair enough for the wedding but all the other restrictions????

OP posts:
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Smilesinthesunshine · 18/06/2025 23:21

Enjoy your weekend! You are very forgiving.

Ferrit6 · 17/06/2025 22:19

Brilliant and definitely the right decision enjoy every bit of your weekend

fiveIsNewOne · 17/06/2025 21:42

Enjoy it!

Helen483 · 17/06/2025 19:20

Good for you @Notmotherofflowergirls , I'm glad you've decided to go after all. I hope you enjoy your weekend away.

CantStopMoving · 17/06/2025 18:58

Perfect! Sounds like a great weekend!

Agapornis · 17/06/2025 18:53

Glad to hear it. Chester is nice for a day! There's always the (excellent) zoo if you get bored 😂

WhatNoRaisins · 17/06/2025 17:41

Hope you have a good weekend

ButItWasNotYourFaultButMine · 17/06/2025 17:31

Exactly what I would have done ... and you get company (another uninvited wife) to boot! Win!

Have a great weekend!

Arquebuse · 17/06/2025 17:25

Sounds perfectly fair, OP. Enjoy the weekend.

Original poster
Notmotherofflowergirls · 17/06/2025 17:23

Well when I left this thread I had made the decision not to go to the wedding hotel ( The wedding party DO NOT have exclusive use of it.)

My husband actually wants me to go so we can have a bit of time together I.e. sex in a hotel room that he has paid for without our children being in earshot!

On Sunday another cousin’s spouse emailed asking if I wanted to go to Chester while the wedding was going on .

I have now decided to go. The hotel has three bars so DH will be with his cousins in the reserved one and I will be in spa, other bar of just chilling in the room.

Saturday Chester and spa.

The breakfast on the Sunday ie. the day after the wedding will actually be in the bar used on the Friday night so well away from the bridal party.

There will be members of the public in the hotel at the same time.

If I come up in conversation which I doubt, DH will say I am happy in the spa.

We are also staying on Sunday evening at a discount.

I think the hotel is large enough not to bump into key members of bridal party.

OP posts:
cardibach · 01/06/2025 16:50

Helen483 · 01/06/2025 16:31

I think the operative word here is "hoping" .. which is a long way from intending to gatecrash the party. Some weddings are more relaxed than others about numbers at the evening party.

In terms of the mechanics, it's not that hard to imagine DH ringing or texting her while she's chilling in the bedroom watching TV.

So he’s told the bride and groom she’s upstairs on her own whoch pits pressure on them. Every bit as bad as hanging about with sad face.

Helen483 · 01/06/2025 16:31

I think the operative word here is "hoping" .. which is a long way from intending to gatecrash the party. Some weddings are more relaxed than others about numbers at the evening party.

In terms of the mechanics, it's not that hard to imagine DH ringing or texting her while she's chilling in the bedroom watching TV.

SALaw · 01/06/2025 16:19

@Helen483 yeah someone sitting in their fluffy robe in the hotel room isn’t hoping to be invited to dance. They’d have to be suitably dressed and in the vicinity.

godmum56 · 01/06/2025 16:15

I am not sure how someone can "secretly hope" to be invited to dance at the wedding if they are keeping out of the way?

Helen483 · 01/06/2025 16:10

SALaw · 01/06/2025 11:19

@Helen483she wants to drink at the bar and dance at the wedding?!

Actually she said
"I secretly hoped I might be invited to have a dance but I most certainly wouldn’t hang around outside the door all doe eyed.
I merely thought I could use the hotel room that my husband has booked and paid for, use the facilities, walk to the stately home in the village and relax."

She does have to accept not having a drink in the bar the evening before, and not going to the wedding party breakfast the following day. But given that her husband has paid for the room (and 2 hotel breakfasts), I think she should go along and enjoy some chill time in the spa.

SALaw · 01/06/2025 11:19

@Helen483she wants to drink at the bar and dance at the wedding?!

SALaw · 01/06/2025 11:19

You are not invited to this wedding! For genuine reason (11 cousins plus partners is a huge number of “spaces” at a wedding). It has been handled fairly and sensitively by the groom, who is not a close relative like a sibling. Don’t go to the wedding. Don’t sneak to the bar. Don’t have a dance. You. Are. Not. Invited. To. This. Wedding.

vintagehope · 01/06/2025 11:02

Helen483 · 31/05/2025 21:46

Don't be silly. OP doesn't want to gatecrash the wedding at all. She just wants to share her husband's room (which HE has paid for) and make use of the hotel facilities.

Show quote history

And hoping to get invited to dance. How do you think she would succeed with that, by staying in their room?

lizzyBennet08 · 31/05/2025 21:53

Honestly this makes perfect sense to me . Im close to my cousins and love catching up and reminiscing about our shared childhoods but with 11 plus their plus ones it wouldn’t be practical to invite them all.
Just doing cousins is fine. Most of the spouses seems fine with it except one or two who really wanted to go .
i know in our family the cousins would bunk in together to save money and catch up as occasions where we are all together are rare three days.

Helen483 · 31/05/2025 21:46

ilovepixie · 31/05/2025 19:02

I wouldn’t embarrass myself by going to the hotel. It’s comes across as needy and not wanting to let your husband have a night out without you.

Don't be silly. OP doesn't want to gatecrash the wedding at all. She just wants to share her husband's room (which HE has paid for) and make use of the hotel facilities.

ilovepixie · 31/05/2025 19:02

I wouldn’t embarrass myself by going to the hotel. It’s comes across as needy and not wanting to let your husband have a night out without you.

saraclara · 31/05/2025 18:00

Only inviting half of the cousins (plus partners) would be massively more divisive and family wrecking than inviting all the cousins and partners, and apologetically explaining why.

And for those insisting that you should only have the wedding you can afford, well that would probably mean not inviting any cousins. And assuming that some will be very close, that's also not optimal.

pelargoniums · 31/05/2025 17:52

CantStopMoving · 31/05/2025 17:41

So it would never be acceptable to invite the cousins they know well and their spouses and not the others? It has to be all or nothing?

or would it never be fair to invite the spouses they want there and not the others?

Edited
Show quote history

It’s fair to invite whoever the fuck they want, it’s their wedding. If it happens that one cousin particularly wants all their cousins and all their cousins’ spouses bar the bride from this thread, yeah, that’s fair. It seems a real 1980s Spandex workout video streeeeeeetch that there’s any likelihood of that insane little revenge scenario happening, though, and it has nothing to with OP’s AIBU.

CantStopMoving · 31/05/2025 17:41

pelargoniums · 31/05/2025 17:30

But that’s not what the groom has done. He’s invited all of the cousins and none of the spouses, based on the budget and size of the wedding. Fair’s fair would be for the next cousin to invite all of the cousins and none of the spouses, or all of the cousins and all of the spouses, or none of the cousins, depending on size and budget.

Show quote history

So it would never be acceptable to invite the cousins they know well and their spouses and not the others? It has to be all or nothing?

or would it never be fair to invite the spouses they want there and not the others?

notmoredirtywashing · 31/05/2025 17:36

Flashahah · 29/05/2025 12:37

You say you’re hoping they may invite you for a dance, will you be dressed and ready for a dance? Why would you be?

Or the OP could go for it and turn up in a wedding dress.

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