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AIBU?

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Original poster

To ask him to get DS showered

109 replies

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 08:33

I will start this by saying I am a SAHM/carer. Due to this I do virtually everything at home and for DS as he can't be left alone unless he's sleeping.
I haven't been feeling great for a while I'm not ill but in a lot of pain with my back and neck. I can't go to the chiropractor until next week as DS is on half term. DS was awake early this morning and I asked DH if he could please just get DS up and shower him before work (we only have a bath over shower so I have to lift DS in and out.)
Obviously DH said no, he hasn't got time before work. I said it's a 5 minute job and you aren't leaving for 40 minutes. DH no I've got stuff to do. I would if I had time.
So of course I do it, hurt myself more and end up feeling pissed off.
I do everything all DS's appointments and exercises with him, as well as normal household/childcare stuff
It's a small thing but it would have ment a lot to me. DS is very full on, absolutely love him to pieces but it's been a hard week and just one less thing to do would have been nice.
I guess I m asking if I was unreasonable to ask DH to get DS ready for one day considering he knows I'm in pain and not sleeping well?
I know DH goes to work and without his salary we'd be screwed but I wasn't asking him to take time off just to do something before he left.

OP posts:
Mh67 · 29/05/2025 17:00

It really depends I know my husband and adult daughter both have their morning timed to the second. If hubby is like that I get him bothering at short notice. But if he had free time that's not on

ByQuaintAzureWasp · 29/05/2025 16:57

You might have asked him to lift him in and out of the bath only to save your back ... that would have been a couple of minutes only.

SmoothRoads · 29/05/2025 16:57

Of course you are not unreasonable to ask your partner to parent his own child, which it seems he has not been doing.

MissRaspberryRipples · 29/05/2025 16:53

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 08:56

DS has to be showered in the morning because he takes his nappy off in the night despite the million things I've tried to stop it so smells of wee or worse poo when he wakes up.
I guess it's unreasonable of me to ask DH to step up and do something for his child. It really is a short shower. Get DS wet, use shower gel or soap and wash him off. I wasn't asking DH to dry or dress him or do his breakfast. Just save my back a bit.
I can accept I've been unreasonable and won't ask again in the morning.

In that case maybe ask hubby the night before if he could possibly get up a little earlier in the morning to shower your son to help you out. Asking him when he's up with time to sort himself doesn't give him much time to do that if he needs to add in showering a little one. You're not asking him to get him fully ready just get him in and out of the shower. It's not gonna hurt him to get up 15mins earlier to help his wife with the child you share whilst you're not well

JellyAnd · 29/05/2025 15:56

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 13:02

Tbf I do get 2 hours a day when he's at school Monday to Thursday so that's my time. DH gets his time on a Saturday when he does his hobby.
I suppose it's equal more or less but it doesn't feel it because I'm doing housework etc in those 2 hours whereas Saturday is all about his hobby.
But that's what it is I was really just wondering if I'd been unreasonable this morning

Housework is not free time! In this scenario I’d consider it equal to DH’s work work. The equivalent to his hobby time on Saturday would be you having the same amount of time on Sundays. 2 hours when DS is in nursery or at school that you use to clean the bathroom is not ‘you time’ FFS. Your current set up is so grossly unfair OP.

LoremIpsumCici · 29/05/2025 15:29

Bunnybear42 · 29/05/2025 08:58

just seen your update so edited my post!
in that case you should ask DH to get up 10/15 minutes earlier each work day to help you bath DS before work!
it’s unreasonable to expect you to do this if you have back issues particularly if just getting up a few minutes earlier would solve the problem !
hope you feel better soon

Edited

This is really spot on advice.

Minnie798 · 29/05/2025 15:23

Perfectly reasonable to expect dh to contribute to family life. As someone who works full time, I have to admit I wouldn't have appreciated the timing. I have a morning routine before going to work and would need to get up a bit earlier if I had something else to do ( yes even for 5 minutes).

crumblingschools · 29/05/2025 15:04

Can you get a hoist/seat thing similar to things that elderly people use to get in the bath?

Nicebottleofred · 29/05/2025 14:51

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 13:02

Tbf I do get 2 hours a day when he's at school Monday to Thursday so that's my time. DH gets his time on a Saturday when he does his hobby.
I suppose it's equal more or less but it doesn't feel it because I'm doing housework etc in those 2 hours whereas Saturday is all about his hobby.
But that's what it is I was really just wondering if I'd been unreasonable this morning

Yeah that’s not equal is it. Housework isn’t your hobby.

SwingTheMonkey · 29/05/2025 13:25

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 13:02

Tbf I do get 2 hours a day when he's at school Monday to Thursday so that's my time. DH gets his time on a Saturday when he does his hobby.
I suppose it's equal more or less but it doesn't feel it because I'm doing housework etc in those 2 hours whereas Saturday is all about his hobby.
But that's what it is I was really just wondering if I'd been unreasonable this morning

No, it’s not equal. Spending the 2 hours ‘free’ you have each day cleaning the house isn’t the same as your husband having time on a Saturday to indulge in his hobby. This isn’t good, op.

Original poster
LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 13:02

Tbf I do get 2 hours a day when he's at school Monday to Thursday so that's my time. DH gets his time on a Saturday when he does his hobby.
I suppose it's equal more or less but it doesn't feel it because I'm doing housework etc in those 2 hours whereas Saturday is all about his hobby.
But that's what it is I was really just wondering if I'd been unreasonable this morning

OP posts:
S0j0urn4r · 29/05/2025 12:56

Was he aware you were in pain?

rainbowstardrops · 29/05/2025 12:51

LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 09:35

No he doesn't do it on weekends either because he's tired from work (obviously I'm not tired from caring for our child). I think what annoys me is that he always, always says just ask me for help but when I do he says no.
He could have showered DS in his work clothes they are covered in oil, grease and grass stains anyway so it's not like he's wearing a suit or something.
I won't ask in the morning again though as it's not worth it and it does seem I was unreasonable.

You’re right. Don’t ask him in the morning - TELL HIM
I can’t believe he doesn’t even help you at the weekend. When do you get downtime?

TY78910 · 29/05/2025 12:51

Would love OP to ask him tonight for support with tomorrow’s shower so I can give a final verdict on this man!

Chocolateorange22 · 29/05/2025 12:43

YANBU at the least he just needed to do the lifting to get him in and out whilst you washed him. It would have taken seconds either side of the shower.

On a side note are you able to get an OT referral for your son. At 4 now he isn't too bad but he's going to mash your back up further as he gets older and heavier. An OT may have some options that don't require fixed adaptations to your bathroom as I appreciate you rent. Say if your son was 14 and your DH wasn't about you need to forward plan to how you would lift him. I guess the earlier you start the longer you have for your son to adjust.

MrsEverest · 29/05/2025 12:18

Just trying to imagine any of the working women I know not doing this for their kid before going to work......I'd be prepared to bet most of them are working more hours than he is.

He needs to step up. Tomorrow would be a great time to start.

KarmenPQZ · 29/05/2025 11:46

It sounds like you’re both being a bit unreasonable. Your partners workday starts when he leaves the house not when he’s getting ready. Before that you should both be on 50:50 duties. If that means he needs to get up earlier then so be it. But being a SAHM muddies the water and you can’t expect him to understand this when it’s not been previously discussed. Springing it on him was unreasonable and not looking for alternatives eh the flannel or using a stool for son to climb up himself with guidance.

you also mention half term so presumably your child is normally in school / nursery so I guess you do normally get way more free time than your partner so you’re always going to be out of balance. And maybe it means you do need to solely do the morning duty rather than share as I said earlier. But it needs to be agreed in advance… are you partners and what sort of partnership works for your family set up as it’s not one size fits all

SwingTheMonkey · 29/05/2025 11:29

Of course you should expect the father of your child to actually parent the child. Even if you weren’t in pain, refusing to do any parenting at all because you’re tired from working is absolute bullshit. This isn’t going to work long term, op, you’ll burn out. You must speak to your husband about this - things need to change.

minipie · 29/05/2025 11:25

Er YANBU.

What parent of a young child - especially one with additional needs - has 40
minutes to themselves to get themselves ready in the morning?? I bet you don’t get that OP.

PurpleThistle7 · 29/05/2025 11:19

I think this particular situation could go either way, but you need a sustainable plan for future. He should get up 20 minutes early and help you get ready for the day. And absolutely take one morning on the weekend while you take the other.

Blackdow · 29/05/2025 10:58

So he doesn’t do any of the hard work of parenting? That’s not on. He needs to step up on weekends and give you a break from caring.
Caring can destroy you; his work won’t destroy him. You need a break. He sound alike a shit dad. Stop saying he is a good dad when he isn’t.

Original poster
LoveFridaynight · 29/05/2025 10:16

porridgecake · 29/05/2025 09:49

Looking after elderly relative with dementia and doubly incontinent/ smearing faeces we used an oversized onesie and put it on backwards. It was the only thing that worked.
However, I also don't want to be that person.
OP, do you get any support from incontinence services?
I think your husband is being very unreasonable. Just for once he could have stepped up.

Show quote history

No support yet but we are on the waiting list. I took thought buying a onesie with a zip and button on the back would stop him. He still manages it . We even pinned the shoulders of the onsite so it wouldn't be so loose round his neck but he just pulls and struggles until he gets out. We don't actually know how he does it. He clearly wakes up at some point (which also worries me) and removes it

OP posts:
porridgecake · 29/05/2025 10:12

Would ds be able to use steps up to the bath? Would a suction type grab rail help?
There are so many bathroom aids available now I hope you can find something to enable you to avoid lifting.

Nicebottleofred · 29/05/2025 10:12

Of course you’re not being unreasonable to ask for help with your child from their father!
If you’re in pain I’m stunned that you’ve even had to ask, a good father and partner would have recognised this, offered to help and got up 10 mins earlier if time is an issue.
Honestly I’m disgusted by your “partner” and his lack of consideration for your pain and your child’s needs. And he doesn’t help at the weekend because he’s tired?! Yes going to work is tiring and hard but it doesn’t override parental responsibility - especially at weekends.

JellyAnd · 29/05/2025 10:04

Ok your updates explain the need for the morning shower. In general DH needs to be giving you far more support and pitching it much more than he is. As for this morning it should have been discussed last night really so it wasn’t sprung on him when he was dressed for work, even with a manual job grease or whatever isn’t comparable to poo, and when he wasn’t expecting to have to find time in his morning routine. Even the most dedicated of hands of parents might struggle with that one. But your bigger issue is that he isn’t doing his share at weekends and says no when you ask for help. That isn’t on at all.