To ask him to get DS showered

I can’t believe people have voted YABU!!!
You absolutely are NOT being unreasonable and your DH is a dick. I’d remind him that if your back goes completely, he will have to do ALL the caring of your DS, and that you are not there to allow him to absolve himself of any responsibility of caring for his own child.
Moving forward, you need to set up a rota of tasks that need to be done and who will do them. Bathing your child in the morning sounds like a 2 person task - so both of you should complete it. If it means your DH has to get up 10 minutes earlier, then so be it! The fact that you do not go out of the house to do paid work is a red herring here. You work in the house taking care of your DS. It would be difficult for you to work full time as it would likely be very hard to get childcare oin the holidays at the moment. Presumably your DH agreed to you being a SAHM, so he needs to give you his full support.

Why aren’t you showering him before bed?

Also, why shower him if he doesn’t have school? Or why not teach him to crawl into the bath himself?

I was like you op. Dh did help a bit but I bore the brunt of it. My back got worse and worse eventually it just seized and i collapsed and couldn’t walk. I spent two weeks in hospital had to live upstairs for two weeks after I came home. I had carers, physio. Six months on I’m starting to see light at the end of the tunnel bBut dh is still having to do all dog walks, half school runs, any heavy lifting all whilst working full time. Your dh would be better off helping you now before it gets worse.

Personally if you'd have asked me on the morning it would have been a no I don't have time, I know exactly what needs to be done when so I can leave the house in time to get to work.
If you'd asked the night before then it would have been a yes because I'd be able to get up earlier, so my lunch the night before etc.

Those two hours a day you get during school is what you're using to do housework and prepare teas for after school and work. That's not time for yourself. Your hubby needs to step up and realise that he's also a parent and needs to take some responsibility also. Yes you're a stay at home parent but you're the one doing all of the parenting while he's at work and feels entitled to do nothing to help. Can you apply for any home help in the mornings at all even if it's only a couple mornings a week to help you get your son ready for school on a morning?

She wouldn't be any worse off than she is now even in that case. I couldn't be with such a selfish man, I'd rather be on my own

The problem with that is that he wouldn't "have" to have their DS solo. Like many men do, especially when children have extra needs, he could simply walk away.

You absolutely do not get 2 hours a day if that 2 hours a day is spent doing housework!

Tell your DH that he needs to get up earlier for the next few days to shower DS as you need to let your back recover. Otherwise he'll be doing all of the care for considerably longer if you end up broken!

Before work, after work and weekends should be split time. Your job is your DS while your DH is at work. The rest of the time should be 50/50

Does he contribute anything to family other than money? I would look and see what you'd be entitled to if you split up, plus he would turn have to look after his own child solo and you would get actual time to yourself. I can't see the benefit to staying with him, he sounds lazy and a shitty person.

Could OH not have simply done the olifting bits?

You absolutely haven't! You need to talk to your husband. You work more hours than he does for God sake! When do you get your time!?

He had 40 minutes!!

I’m fucking enraged on your behalf. There’s absolutely no way my DP would prioritise his morning pottering time and leave me to struggle alone with our disabled DD.
I genuinely can’t believe he said no when you’re in pain.
I second the advice from a pp about asking for an OT assessment at home. They arranged for equipment to be provided and for steps and stair rails to be put in to give DD more independence and to stop us from knackering our backs.
(Separately, why is your son only doing 2 hours a day at school?)

Poor OP, you sound very tired and worn down. You weren’t unreasonable to ask, he probably wasn’t unreasonable to say no. That said, I do wonder why you didn’t give him the shower and then have DH lift him out? Less time needed for DH, less pain for you, hopefully. But it does sound like you generally need some help and a bit of a break, in which case maybe it’s not really about the shower, anyway. Perhaps that’s the conversation to have with DH.

Can posters stop with the DH could ‘help’ OP, no he should be parenting. In fact he shouidn’t need to be told that she might need him to do the shower, he should bloody realise that with a bad back she is struggling and he should step up.

YABU to ask him without prior warning.
Getting ready for work is a fine art, expecting additional chores will make anyone late for work.

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all, he could have easily have lifted him in for you a quick wash and lifted him out and left you to dry and get him dressed.
Although my youngest doesn’t have additional needs it literally only takes me 5 mins to wash him from top to toe after swimming lessons.
Even accounting for extra wiggling etc it wouldn’t have taken longer then 10-15 minutes to do a quick shower.
Being a full time carer to a child with additional needs is relentless and isolating, your DH needs to make sure that you are able to get time to rest.

You’ve not been unreasonable OP. Mumsnet amazes me sometimes in their tolerance of all things in the useless dad category. God forbid anyone tamper with the sanctity of the man’s 40 minute morning routine……not even his poor wife with a sore back…..

Some of these answers give me the rage. The op is injured, her son regularly showers in the morning. Why was it the ops responsibility to ask her husband/skip the shower/ask earlier. Why is the op is expected to take that load, why didn’t her husband understand he needed to shower their son in the morning and take responsibility as a parent? An ‘unreasonable request’, ‘give him more notice’, really?

Um no. It isn't what it is. The fact your free time is spent cleaning and his is spent doing a hobby perfectly illustrates the overarching issue here - you are expected to pick up all the slack of parenting and housekeeping while he has a hobby. One of the reasons I imagine he said no this morning.

Being a SAHM doesn't mean you shouldn't have a life! Find a hobby yourself, go for a walk, shopping, whatever it is you find interesting. Then things are equal.

This matters because if your OH doesn't see you as equals of course he's dumping everything on you. Its quite selfish.

In this specific instance I think you should have mentioned it the night before. If I was in the middle of getting ready for the office I might have said no to my OH.

However, as a general point, no youre not being unreasonable at all. You're not asking your DH to do half the care, he should chip in. Paying the bills is not the only thing he should be doing as a father and husband

It doesn't matter whether you're sick or not tbh. I'd sit him down and have an open hearted chat, that you are struggling and you need his support. Suggest a couple of things he can pick up and give him plenty of notice.

It can be irritating as hell trying to manage your OH, believe me I've been there. But sounds like he needs to be pushed in the right direction.

I'd ask your landlord, see if you can change the bath to one of those walk in ones?

Two hours housework, is not two hours downtime.
DH could shower DC a couple of mornings a week with notice.

It all depends when you asked. My husband wakes up an hour before he leaves for work but he showers and gets suited up and then checks his emails etc and preps his papers to go to work so he wouldn’t be able to help and I wouldn’t ask him to as I know he’s got a routine and stuff to do before leaving for work. Perhaps if you needed help in the morning, tell him the night before so he can factor it in to his pre-work schedule and not spring it on him last minute?

Anyone who voted this lady was being unreasonable is a pos