To be quietly hating my husband

This.

All the posts about “Ooh, OP, you do sound tetchy!” and “He’s doing his best, gold medal because he’s managed to burn food in a slow cooker, because at least he tried!” and “Why don’t you do it yourself or talk him through it or write it down?”

Absolutely desperately pathetic.

Has the Hospital given you an alert card - an Acute card with a number on? If so, call them. Any side effects you are unsure about just call - they won't mind. Horrendous diarrhoea is definitely a reason to get in touch as it may be colitis and they will advise you.

I am so sorry you are going through this.

If my spouse was as ill as the OP then for absolute sure I would be researching everything possible that I could do to make his life easier, including what can and cannot be eaten. @4seasons I hope you have a better day today. All the best to you for your recovery to full health.

This.

I would have no idea about the hydration sachets (which, to be fair, you asked him to buy). Why did the meal irritate you so much? Could you have eaten that/drank wine in your current condition or would it have made you feel ill?

I think he’s trying but just doesn’t know how to cope over 50 years of you doing everything.

Wishing you all the best.

I would write out the list of what you can and can't eat and stick it up on the kitchen wall.

I would also call an ambulance myself because I can answer the questions correctly.

I'm furious that so many are desperate to absolve this man.

It's not that men don't know how to care for others - it's that they choose not to learn how, and our patriarchal culture encourages them in that.

It's bullshit.

His wife is very, very ill and he's doing the extreme equivalent of that thing that men do when out with their wives and kids - walking ahead, inside his own head and conscious only of his own thoughts/needs/desires, thinking he's a jolly good chap for giving up his Sunday MAMIL ride. Meanwhile the wife is fully 'on', thinking about whether it's time to get out the snacks she's thought ahead and packed while making sure the two- and four-year olds have fun with dandelions without getting run over by a car.

Some men are bleeding useless because they rely on their wife for everything and instead of thinking, "Ok my turn to look after her as she has done for me all these years" He is thinking "Er...what?" I don't know what would happen if he did not have a wife and had to look after a son or daughter with cancer. I would imagine that 'job' would go to his mother, cos wimmin's work innit? However, to be kind I would imagine it is also a frightening time for him and he is overwhelmed. Can you put a notice on the fridge about what you can and cannot eat? What meds you can take etc. But don't beat yourself up about it. This is a lot to contend with!

I had no idea of these rules around bacteria. When my friend had the bag she went to pieces trying to cope, phoned me in hysterics once. Unfortunately I'm across the ocean. The only person who could handle her was her daughter, not her husband.

Your husband is tired, scared. It's hard on both of you.

OP I can offer you solidarity but coming from the carer's perspective. What no one tells you about cancer is how much it puts a strain on your relationship, my household feels like a pressure cooker at the moment. That being said, it does sound like he needs to be more proactive and attentive, and it sounds like he is not used to taking on this kind of responsibility so I think your frustrations are valid.

Sometimes in life people have got to step up.
He knew about the eggs and blackcurrants, but isn’t taking it seriously. It’s a poor show of incompetence. He’s quite capable of making a lamb roast and pouring himself a glass of wine!

I’m so sorry you’re going through this and I hope you feel better soon. Chemo destroys the cancer but don’t let it destroy your marriage too. I had leukaemia and my husband had no idea on hygiene etc either. Almost showed offence at being asked to wash hands etc. they simply don’t know how to cope. Even now he’s always burning stuff and letting it dry out etc, I’m back to full health but it’s so infuriating! Just tell yourself he’s doing his best, write a list of what you can’t have etc. they get so used to being looked after it’s a shock when they have to do it themselves! He’s your everything, don’t let this affect your many years together x

Oh OP I really feel your utter frustration, particularly when this should be a very calm time and you should be comforted and looked after properly by him.

He needs to wake up. I’m sure he’s very capable when he wants to be!

I think in these circumstances (if you can), type out a daily list of what you want/need in bullet points. Keep it simple.

There’s nothing worse than nagging someone who’s incompetent. It’s DRAINING!!

He can miss the rugby for one day. It won’t kill him. The only exception to that would be IF EVERYTHING is in place for you before he goes. Personally I don’t think he should go. You should be his priority now for once.

Wishing you the very best recovery 💐

OP, in the nicest possible way, being "taken ill" doesn't necessarily require an ambulance. I'd definitely think twice (or 3 or 4 times) before calling one. The fact that you're conscious and on your phone indicates that it would have been a waste of time.

And he can't cook - neither can I! And as you've always done it, he's never had the opportunity to learn. For some things, you're going to have to accept that standards will slip.

I feel for you. The fact you have been married 50 yrs and he still can't remember you are allergic to blackcurrant. I mean what a total arse. And cooking for himself a great dinner and you with a quiche. I understand your frustration, you literally have done everything and now it's your turn to be looked after. Men are flipping useless sometimes aren't they. What about your sons (guessing carbon copies of dad) , are they coming to see you? Have you friends who can help?

The skillsets we develop over life are incredible.
I'm currently trying to get DH to talk about his feelings, he is a 55 year old senior professional with a lot of responsibility for people when thinks go really wrong. He's finding naming his emotions very hard and is trying to distract me with a new kitchen rather than put in the hard work acknowledging unfortunate truths.
How the fuck did he get promoted to that level professionally? No idea.
I think you just have to treat your DH like a toddler with excellent motor and purchasing skills. It's not fair but you just have to get through it.
My mum is currently off on holiday with a bunch of merry widows, who miss their partners but not the relentless caring and anticipating needs that they did for decades.

@4seasons, I hear you, and I think that I know exactly where you are coming from. I so wish that I had some brilliant advice to give you.

As far as I know, I don't have Cancer, but I am having on going tests to monitor that situation. I do have several serious comorbidities, and unfortunately I do have to depend on my husband for all of my personal care.

I can't risk explaining here why I have so much empathy for you OP, as I am already struggling to keep the floodgates from opening, because if they do open, I don't think that I have any energy left to close them again.

I am thinking of you, and wishing you the best of outcomes. I am trying to send you a big, but gentle hug, I hope it has enough fuel in it to reach you. If you have any opportunities to be kind to yourself 4seasons, please take them and hold on to them for as long as possible 🩷 xxx

It isn’t just chemo diarrhoea—it’s stoma chemo diarrhoea, which can become very dangerous very quickly. She was absolutely right to seek help.

Husband should have the wherewithal to recognise gaps in his own knowledge and act to sort them out. It’s not like this is a low-stakes situation.

@4seasons i dont think YABU at all. I have to disagree to an extent with some of the PP re need to be gentler on DH and them not knowing about live bacteria/reheated quiche either. But they’re not expected to but your OH I would expect to be educating himself on this stuff proactively. And if his memory is bad making a list of important things about you eg the allergy to blackcurrants. Yes he should be taking walks and looking after himself also but should put your care first and during your recovery postpone leisure events until your stronger or can have company. He shouldn’t have to be asked constantly always and needs to be a bit more in the moment and pay more attention to what he’s doing if he’s still fairly new to it and rad recipes properly! Eg the stew. Anyway, said my tuppences worth. I wish you all the best ♥️

@4seasons it’s truly hard when you’re used to running the household (whether you wanted to or not) and your DH is being incompetent. Some of this is learned I’m sure as they’re so used to us putting things right. I’ve been there having chemo and all the appointments so feel your frustration, I remember coming back from
an appointment spag Bol in the slow cooker and 2 kids under 7 all DH had to do was cook some pasta and had he, no. Completely forgot to feed them as that’s what I would have done. Was so pissed off I fed the kids then left the house for a bit to cool down.

Since then I still feel that I have to spell out what actually needs doing as I don’t think it’s as much no thought ie your blackcurrant sachets he just doesn’t think like I do.

Maybe you need to take some time with your treatment plan and think what help you need from him daily, weekly around treatments etc. Give him all the info you will have been given on what you can eat and drink when to get on the phone re any suspicious symptoms or side effects and then see what he says? Also with him going out to his rugby match, ask him what he’s going to put in place in case you feel unwell and can’t contact him.

I agree with all of this. Sorry for your situation OP

I'm so sorry 4seasons I really am, life must be so hard for you right now and you must have all kinds of things going through your head.
I'm afraid most men just can't cope in these situations. They just don't have the same coping/common sense abilities that we do having raised children, worked and dealt with everything life throws at us.
They are wired competely differently. I've often wondered how they can sleep so soundly when we're awake fuming.
If you were living with a woman things would be very different.
It's difficult to deal with when you are so ill but I think you are just going to have to accept that he is just not at your level of capability and he's doing his best.
Im in my 60s and had been married for a long time when I became extremely ill, not cancer but very serious nonetheless, my husband just freaked out and left while I was in hospital. I never saw him again. My adult son had to come and stay with me and I had to deal with a divorce, selling the house, losing my job, all the while wondering if I'd live.
I did survive and have a lovely new job and house because I'm a woman and thats what we do. The nurses said this happens a lot, fleeing husbands who can't cope.
I remember my aunt being so irate with her husband in their later life for similar reasons that she dumped him and went to live in their holiday home for 3 years. She's back home with him now and they have settled down again.
I think it's important to realise that he's never going to be as capable as you and not to, tempting as it is, to give him a hard time. He will never see what you do.
I brought my son up differently and taught him all of these basic skills but I doubt your husbands mother ever did he would have been expected to get a job and do outside things while being looked after. He wouldn't have any been taught any empathy or caring skills.
I think you will both have to muddle along, at least he is still there. I really hope things get better for you. Much love x

I voted yanbu, but I have to say, one of the things that women (generally) are very bad at is actually saying what we want. I think you have to learn to be selfish OP, tell him exactly what you want, when and how you want it. All the best, you brave woman 🌺

Perhaps he worked and she didn't so he provided the roof over their heads, we don't know but tbh if women do everything it is no point then complaining when a man in his 70s <possibly older> doesn't have any domestic capability.

I think it is the horrible cancer, surgery and chemo that is making you angry. That is totally understandable.