To be quietly hating my husband

What could be more important than making sure

1. he doesn’t put her in danger
2. she feels protected and cared for during this terrifying time?

I do think he sounds a bit like someone who's had another person cooking and doing the family admin for 50 years...which is what he is. He's never had to really think about all the family/house stuff and now he 'thinks' he's doing his best. But he could do better, that's obvious.

I think it's time for a chat about what you need. He's either not aware of the danger things like re-heated food puts you in or his head is in the clouds (sometimes that's a coping mechanism - deny, deny, deny - if something is wrong with someone you love). He needs to get it into his head that he can help to keep you safe with some very basic rules.

I think someone up thread mentioned about doing a meal plan together. I think that's a good idea. You know, instinctively, what you need to eat and when but can't provide it. He has the legs and health to provide it but no clue about what to do. Combined effort.

As for the ambulance. If you felt you needed one you need to either insist he calls one or call one yourself. I'm a very 'let's see if it gets better' type of person so I'd probably close myself into that safe shell before finally calling an ambulance unless the person said 'I need an ambulance'. Though, with a colostomy I'd like to think I'd be on it a little quicker!

This is a very difficult and scary time for both of you - you more than him - and he needs to step up now. If it needs a stern chat to make him do it, it'll be worth it. You shouldn't need to do that, but we've all got our 'shells' that we use to protect ourselves when things are frightening/overwhelming/too much. He needs to break his open now to protect you.

It isn't that simple. When you have a stoma you adjust and change your diet according to your output. I ask my DP what his output is like and plan meals around that. It changes as time moves on. Salty crackers, white bread and salted crisps are about the only staples.

@Gloriia I don't know why you are ignoring the issue of the stoma. As has been pointed out, diarrhea can be very dangerous, very quickly.

@Moonlightexpress having a stoma in the first year, particularly and with a high output really restricts what you can eat. I go to my DD's to eat Indian. I sneak mushrooms into my portion of food. I eat fruit and drink alcohol in my friend's houses. It's tough going with a stoma, but at least they are still here.

He is trying and just like everyone he is making mistakes, he hasn't just left her to it. Yes getting a rehydration thing with live bacteria is apparently not recommended but if they're unsafe they really shouldn't sell them.

I've been there and my dh maybe didn't do things to my standards but so what. More important things fo focus on.

No advise as others have said but I’m SO sorry for what you’re going through, sounds absolutely horrific. The thing that jumps out to me the most is the blackcurrent thing, after being with someone for that long it just seems absolutely ridiculous to not even remember that you’re allergic to something. Maybe it’s just me because I have a serious allergy myself, but I’ve never forgotten a partners allergies, whether it’s a short or long term relationship.

He is putting you at risk its neglect and unacceptable.

I am so sorry I don't know what to advise.

Adult social services?

She's not getting angry over a dry stew.

She's getting angry because the man she's cared for for half a fucking century can't be arsed to put her first when she's dangerously ill.

This is the problem with doing everything for a partner for years - when the tables are turned, they don't know how to care for you (and don't really think it's their job). I had this to an extent with my now ex-husband. He's just had a stroke and I am looking after him, although I know he wouldn't do the same if the boot was on the other foot. It wouldn't even occur to him, just like it didn't occur to him to take time off after I came out of hospital a week after having our son, with a million stitches in my bits, having almost died of a massive haemorrage. He just left me to look after the baby on my own, in a basement flat, which meant carrying the pram up the stairs if I wanted to get out.

Anywayyyy. I really do sympathise, OP. But it might be that you're just hating him because you're in pain/misery/fear and he's a bit useless. Wait and see how you feel when you're in a better place in the chemo cycle. Sending healing vibes.

Exactly. How old are you and your DH? You’ve been married for 50 years so unless you got married in your teens you are likely to be 70 and above. Perhaps you need proper assisted care? Where are your children?

'It isn’t just chemo diarrhoea—it’s stoma chemo diarrhoea, which can become very dangerous very quickly. She was absolutely right to seek help'

Of course she should seek help but someone on chemo with a stoma will have a plethora of contact numbers for advice and guidance if she needed admitting. Calling for an ambulance isn't necessary.

Fear and anxiety can make us all understandably unreasonable but getting angry over a dry stew won't help anyone.

How old is he?

My Dad was 78 when my Mum got ill, and he was beyond useless. He didn't do anything for her like your DH is doing for you. She was often confused (brain tumour) and he would ask her too many questions about what she wanted and then argue when she wouldn't be able to answer. We had to stick posters all over the walls to prompt him, it was ridiculous. Luckily it was mid covid, so my sister and I could rally to help, as we weren't working. The GP said given the emergency circs that we were okay to go in and help.

It sounds like what you are going through is both physically and emotionally very challenging for both yourself and your husband (albeit in different ways). It comes across that you are used to taking care of others whereas this role has been reversed due to you being unwell. From experience, I know it isn't at all easy to accept this if you are used to doing everything yourself. It comes across that your husband is trying is best but isn't yet established in his 'new' role.

Patience and understanding are the key here. You both need time to adjust and supporting one another will hopefully help. Could you perhaps signpost him to some information or a support group to assist in him better understanding your needs? Just a few thoughts.

I think he should be able to research this himself but I’d be telling him very clearly that you need freshly cooked food, nothing re+heated. Why did he not check to see if you wanted dinner? I don’t even have a pot noodle for lunch without asking my Dh if he wants anything.

I am sorry. You cannot see this objectively but I doubt very much your husband means you harm, he is probably doing his best and things will improve, honestly they will.

You didn't go to hospital and you are still at home which probably shows you didn't need an admission. Do you want to go back to hospital, would they do anything you cannot do for yourself? I doubt it.

You are in an awful state at the moment and have my sympathy but I don't understand why you don't have some hired help, you are surely entitled to it, at least for a while. That would take pressure off you and your husband.

I hope you are feeling a bit better today.

This is a tough time for you OP. You have a vent here, but I'd do what you can to avoid conflict at home. You don't need that on top. You must both be scared. Yes he needs to step up and it's not fair that, yet again, you're the one doing all the thinking. But shifting 50 yrs of habits isn't going to happen overnight. If he's feeling scared himself, he also won't be taking information in easily. I don't think that means you just have to accept it though.

Can you ask him to read through all the written info the hospital has given you, again, as you are feeling too overwhelmed to remember and afraid of eating the wrong thing? Perhaps he writes a list of 'nos' for the kitchen wall?

Could you ask him to write a meal plan for the week and you check it? Perhaps suggest he thinks of simpler meals to avoid stress?

I would try not to say anything if you suspect a dinner is burning, or anything else not crucial is going wrong. It's infuriating, but that's how we all learned to keep an eye on things.

I'm sorry it must feel wearing at a time like this to still have to be the grown up and come up with solutions as if you are helping a teenager towards independence, but you kind of are, and hopefully he gets the hang of adulting soon. Can one of your adult DCs also have a word with him? I hope they're supporting you both.

Men are pretty hopeless when it comes to stuff like this though

No. They choose to be. And women like this and the many others on this thread enable them.

OP you speak for wives the whole world over!

On the whole men are selfish and uncaring. I don’t mean they don’t care (in their minds) just that it certainly doesn’t come naturally to them to be proactive and physically caring.

Probably because their Mum’s did everything when they were young and then we did it all when the kids came along.

I would tell your DH he needs to step up - at least ask him why he is offering you food you can’t have/things you are allergic to! I mean just why would he do that? Ask him and see how he answers.

Wishing you well OP and please vent away!

I find most men are very self centred who think of themselves and their needs first . Just my personal experience.

To everyone saying "maybe he didn't know": if your husband was having chemo I would put money on you knowing about live bacteria etc because you would have found out/asked questions/looked it up. Because your husband is having chemo and you want and need to look after him.

This. You are definitely not being unreasonable for expecting very basic care from your DH while you're so ill. Why didn't he give you some roast dinner? I dispair of how low the bar is for men sometimes.

I'm so sorry OP. Many women have no idea just how self absorbed their DH's are until they need them to take care of them for a change.

Most men are simple creatures who do need to be taken care of because of how we raise our boys. They simply cannot suddenly become carers. This isn't fair for you of course but it is the reality for many women.

Men are pretty hopeless when it comes to stuff like this though and when push comes to shove, very few of them can come up to the mark in way OP is expecting.

I've had to take care of DHs health needs for years or he would be dead. He's a dialysis patient but he just doesn't see what needs doing and I can see why men's life expectancy on dialysis is so low compared to women.

When I'm ill I have to give him very detailed instructions over the simplest things and it is tiresome as fuck but he's all I have so I have to manage.

I'm going into hospital and having surgery next month. I am told I will take 6 - 12 months to fully recover. It's going to be horrible but he is totally incapable of stepping up with stuff to do with health. Anything else, he is pretty damn good at.

Sending you every good wish for your chemo @4seasons . You are going through ALOT at the moment.

I can't speak from experience, but a good friend recently did this grim battle. She and her husband had been happily married for 35 years and two months into chemo she wanted to batter him. She decided to take on a cleaner (they had never had one) because his efforts were so dreadful that it was making her seethe with rage. She knew he would never be able to do it to her liking, so she thought fuck it and for the 12 months she had chemo and then recovered, she had a cleaner.

She also sat him down and very clearly articulated what were going to be the deal breakers for her during the treatment. She also rallied other family members and close friends to cover some of the stuff he was really shit at too (eg meal cooking a few times a week and doing toiletry shopping). She said that being honest about his limitations was the best thing she did because it stopped her from having unrealistic expectations that he would be able to do for her what she could have done for him if the tables were turned.

It all sounds horribly ungrateful

No it doesn't.

You need him to step up and take care of you.
He’s just not capable. He’s probably been spoilt all his life and isn’t used to thinking about anyone but himself. Is now too old and selfish to be caring and thoughtful.

So there are two things here:

1. The practical:
   Outsource it. Organise yourself a home help. A nice lady cleaner who can come a couple of times a week to clean, change beds and towels and iron. You can just keep turning washing over and the rest will be done by her.
   As concerns food. This is a time to make it dead easy. Get a supermarket delivery twice a week when the cleaner is here and she can put it all away for you. Basic, regular, easy options for healthy breakfasts, lunches and snacks. For dinner get posh ready meals with fresh green veg. ‘Cook’ or M&S or Tesco Finest or whatever. Get it all delivered.
   As concerns running errands, ask your cleaner to pick things up on the way to you. Or ask your friends. If your husband feels embarrassed and humiliated that you are asking a girlfriend to pick you up something from the chemist while he sits, reading his paper, useless, then fine. This is a necessary consequence of him being a rubbish and incompetent carer. Your practical needs come first right now and he’s not capable of meeting them.

2. the emotional.
   You poor thing. I’m so sorry you’re going through this. As if the health challenges aren’t hard enough you’ve got no support from him. You’ve looked after him for decades and now you need him to look after you he’s as much use as a chocolate teapot.
   If it’s any consolation, you are not alone with this. My husband would be exactly the same which is why, when I had a planned/ elective operation a couple of years ago I didn’t factor him in for any help whatsoever. Some women may read this and throw up their hands in horror - ‘LTB!’ - but if you’re going to stay married for decades you need to accept each other’s limitations and work around them.

Sending you love and wish you an excellent recovery x