To be quietly hating my husband

Except he has been to all the appointments with the OP so will have been told that reheating/eggs etc… are a No Go???

Except he probably hasn't heard this, because they're not a no-go.

His "best" is pretty crap, then isn't it?

Because men can put a new fuel tank in a car?!? That’s news to me. Very few people now change the oil in their car or the air filter etc… I doubt they’ve been changing a fuel tank 😁😁

Most men are just as ‘incapable’ for DIY stuff these days than women.

OP, you've said:
All this chemo business is new to us both . It’s scary … but I suppose I expected him to be more on top of things as the one who wasn’t ill and going through all this rubbish.

I think you've answered your own question. I nursed my mum through the last six months of her life: bowel cancer, ileostomy/ stoma and then endless fistulas opening up and leaking. Nasty, smelly, deeply distressing symptoms for her, and me, to deal with. I didn't imagine the last few months of my mum's life would involve me dealing with literally breath-taking faecal discharge and having to change her sheets three times a day with a smile and a 'don't worry, Mum, we'll get this sorted'. All the while terrified (what was going to happen next? how much more horrible could this get? is this symptom or that development normal or is it 999 time?, how long was I going to have to keep going?) while grieving for the lovely mum I was going to lose.

None of us can ever be prepared for any of this. Despite having home-nursed three cancer patients (Mum, a friend and an elderly aunt) so far, I had no idea that you couldn't reheat a quiche for them.

I know you're going through hell, and I wish you the best, but go easy on him. I'm really pleased to hear that he made himself a roast lamb dinner and had a glass of wine because I know how grim it can be to be the carer and how little pleasures can make all the difference. I presume if you were able to eat a roast lamb dinner he'd have served it on a tray for you. He's likely to be in his 70s; you've been married for 50 years and have got into your roles. He's having to learn an awful lot and as you yourself say it's all new and you're both frightened and anxious. How about telling him how scared you are rather than expressing it through anger?

In the case of my mum and another elderly relative neither the MacMillan or Marie Curie services were the slightest help because I and my sister (we took turns looking after mum) were deemed capable — even though we both had full-time jobs. I would have thought that at your ages, and in the circumstances, you might find it easier to get some home support. Could you use Attendance Allowance or similar to buy in some qualified assistance? I know you're having a terrible time, but I assure you he is too. Just a different sort of terrible.

Good luck: I hope in six months' time you'll be able to look back on this as the low-point in your recovery.

Except he has been to all the appointments with the OP so will have been told that reheating/eggs etc… are a No Go???

Basically he was there but didn’t take anything in. Because he is so used to the OP managing everything that he didn’t feel he needed to remember. He never thought ‘oh I’m going to be the one cooking fur a while so I need to be careful for @4seasons’
I think it’s not dissimilar to fathers who never wake up at night when a baby/toddler cries because they think it’s not their role (or they know mum will get up anyway).

Same with taking decision about calling an ambulance etc… If he never had to take responsibility around health issues (I mean some men dint even make their own GP appointments), he usnt Gping to be able to take decision or even advise the OP.

That’s what you get with incompetent men. And I get with the OP is furious tbh. A life spent caring for him and the dcs with little thanks ‘because it’s normal right?’ And no one to properly support her when she actually needs it. It’s shit.

I don't agree. Most women on here couldn't walk out into their back garden and put a new fuel tank in a Land Rover for example. They wouldn't know where to start and, crucially, probably wouldn't even attempt it. DH just did this a few days ago though.

We are wired differently.

And you are the bastion of human kindness calling someone 'a shit' 🙄

He sounds like he's doing his best.

Most people would be incredibly glad to have an adult around to help them with food, going to get medicines etc.

If the OP is secretly hating her husband, maybe there is more to this than just the last 7 days dealing with chemo sickness.

Tbf I'm not sure this is common advice even for cancer patients. Probiotics/eating things like yogurt (live bacteria) varies based on your dr's advice. And I've cared for a chemo patient who ate reheated food. I believe in hospital they also give you reheated food, not freshly cooked from scratch — reheated food is what OP would've been fed if her DH had her admitted to hospital like she wanted. I completely understand wanting / needing to be extra cautious though.

What a shit you are. Awful comment.

But in order to 'look stuff up' you need to already KNOW that this needs looking up. I wouldn't have expected OPs DH to be Googling every single food item just in case she couldn't have it. Where would it stop? So if someone has told you that probiotics might be a problem - then you look it up. But if you don't know - why would you (I didn't know and I had a very close friend go through chemo. She never mentioned it once). So it's more a case of him not knowing what he doesn't know, if you see what I mean.

And I didn't know stew could dry out in a slow cooker and I've been using one for years. So there's that.

Is he unable to find out these things? OP has managed to find them out. My DP knows my allergies because we are in a relationship and we take notice of these things. Why couldn’t he ask if she wanted the lamb dinner with him? I have HG, so nowhere near as ill as OP but my partner has actively found out what I can eat and when I’ve been unable to get out of bed he’s brought trays up for us to eat together. When he’s been unsure in the shop he’s sent me pictures of options.

i am being blunt as a kindness like a best friend would say to someone they care about - honest opinion if I said it in person you it would be delivered kindly

she is being extremely hard on him
ive googled live bacteria and reheating food - both fine
clipboard with temperature also sensible

totally get op feeling retched and lashing out
my opinion is she’s being unfair

I’m so sorry you are dealing with all this. And him. He is probably doing his best but it’s a good job you have been around all these years to pick up his slack!!

I hope he redeems himself today.

Just let every thing go, he is never ever going to be up to your standard of care, but you are kind of stuck with him right now so if you can in any way laugh at it today, that’s all you can do really.

I hope you are ok x x

@pimplebum what an unkind thing to say, The poor OP is very very unwell.

God love you OP, but he sounds like an awful selfish arse.
Can you reach out to friends and your children for some care?
The blackcurrant business is appalling.
He sounds extremely thoughtless.
Like so many men.

Several women I know found the Covid care experience they received from their husbands to be a real eye opener, and returned the favour verbatim to a shocked response.

It has been a massive turning point in their long marriages.
Things two years later are very different after many years of putting themselves out, they have devoted themselves to their friends who turned out to be far more caring.
Lesson learned.

Ffs. The man is an adult and is just as responsible for being a considerate and caring human being as his DW. The way people make excuses for men is unbelievable. HE should be gentle with her and her feelings.

Just googled this hope it reassures you

“Yes, chemotherapy patients can reheat food, but with specific guidelines to ensure food safety. It's crucial to cool leftovers quickly, store them properly, and ensure they are heated thoroughly until piping hot before eating. Reheating food only once is recommended, and cooked rice should generally be avoided being reheated.”

Personally I think my DH would be like this too - a lot of men , ( not all I know) especially older men have had very strong women doing an awful lot of heavy lifting when it comes to family health and domesticity and can be very thoughtless when the shit hits the fan. I think you kind of have to spell it out as instructions- can’t have this, don’t do that etc . I don’t think he’s being callous, just unused to stepping up care wise.

im so sorry to read you are going through this OP , I know myself my levels of tolerance would probably be through the floor.

@pimplebum

that is fucking harsh!

Go away.

Having been an informal carer myself at times (including for someone with cancer) I'm aware that it's not easy. Yes, I've seen fecal incontinece with chemotherapy - even gone out to buy a new carpet shampoo machine to put things right too! I've also seen advice vary concerning the advisability of probiotics. Reheated food - well, if it's been sitting around overnight at room temperature it's probably not advisable, but if it's only just gone cold it's unlikely to be too bad. I've been sitting having a bite to eat myself when the person I'm looking after starts moving around so I might look surprised and then jump up to offer them something. So, if it were me, guity as charged!

I'm not making excuses for substandard care, of course, but it's hard to do the right thing all the time. There's a fine line to be trodden between over-babying someone and presuming too much independence. To take a trivial example, if something falls on the floor, do I rush to pick it up, or do I let the person I'm caring for at least try, because mastering that action is an important part of independent living and rehabilitation?

When I was looking after my mother towards the end of her life, at one point a number of people were telling me to put her bed downstairs. She wanted to go to bed upstairs. So I let her try to climb the stairs a few times so she could come to her own conclusion about it being too difficult. Once she'd done so, we put the bed downstairs with considerably less conflict than if I'd initiated it myself.

I'm just bringing all that up to say that caring life is full of dilemmas. The feminine intuition celebrated earlier in this thread has frequently escaped me and I find that it's easy to make assumotions which turn out not to be true!

I'm really sorry you're going through this OP.

I'd give up on him cooking for you and ask him to buy some top quality ready meals that you fancy if that's going to help.

He's also probably shit-scared of what's happening and his time to himself eating his lamb isn't great but maybe it's his way of having some normality.

If you have the energy can you tell him exactly how you feel?

I'm on the other side of this. My DH has stage 4 cancer and has been on treatment for years. It's hard being the carer. But I think yours should step up and not go to rugby.

You need some TLC.

@4seasons

Your feelings are perfectly normal

Could it help, if you have the resources, to employ a specialist carer

I wish you all the very best and a positive outcome on your difficult journey.🌻

eta; changed specialist link

I’ve just google d chemo and live bacteria :
if he even noticed this on the packet and googled it this would have reassured him
( and hopefully you too)

chemo patients can have live bacteria in their bodies, including probiotics. However, during chemotherapy, the immune system is weakened, increasing the risk of infections. Therefore, while probiotics are generally safe, they need to be used with caution and after discussing with a doctor or nurse.

Maybe a little insensitive but I do think people take their carers for granted.

My partner died so if I have to tackle any major illnesses, it will be alone.

I've already dealt with a few minor things (ulcerative colitis flareups, flu, norovirus, toothache) and I would have loved someone to even bring me a glass of water, less alone food.

My mother in law's husband has also died and she is coping with advanced COPD alone.

I think people need to appreciate what they have a little more. Just having another human in the house is a dream to some people dealing with everything alone.