To be quietly hating my husband

I've just noticed that OP posted at some length earlier today and included this:

As for the lamb dinner ( cold lamb from a previous roast ) and glass of wine … I knew he was having that and was happy for him to have a decent meal . But … he’d said to come downstairs when I fancied something to eat , so I did !! I didn’t know he’d started his dinner.

I'm glad the indignation has subsided, OP, and that things don't seem so bad today. Sounds as if you're feeling a little better. Here's hoping that if the next round of chemo leaves you feeling this bad again, you and your DH will have learned from the last few days and are prepared with a stock of appropriate hydration tablets and appropriate food in the fridge and any other useful paraphernalia. Good luck to you both.

Interesting the inability to retain detail....unless of course it is of enormous importance to the male. Seem to be able to turn it off and on perhaps?

I highly doubt OP would have been capable of eating a meal like that. And I doubt he made it and told her categorically she couldn't have any if she did want it/was able to have it.

Why couldn’t he ask if she wanted the lamb dinner with him?

Where has she said he didn't ask if she'd like a roast dinner? OP's recently had major surgery, probably involving her colon and / or bowel. She's had terrible diarrhoea. In many cases people are advised to maintain a light or low fibre diet during recovery. Every patient is different and what they fancy eating can change on a sixpence: I was recently asked to take halloumi and chips into hospital where a friend was having radiotherapy after cervical cancer. It took me 40 minutes to find a takeaway open and able to provide it, but when I arrived the desire had passed and so someone on the staff took it away (and, I hope, ate it).

He also seems reluctant to say what he thinks. I asked about cancelling an appointment I had ( a home visit .. sort of medical )…. hoping for advice … but just got “
It must be your decision “.

The 'not saying what he thinks' is quite telling, it sounds like he's scared of saying/doing the wrong thing so is freezing in decisions when it comes to your care, maybe there is an element of history in that or maybe he is so used to you making your own decisions he genuinely just doesn't know what to do.

I'm an extremely pro-active person and my DH relies on that too much at times, he has got used to me always knowing what to do and having the confidence to do it, where as he isn't as confident at making decision and following them through when left to his own devices, it's my fault as much as his to be honest, we work so well as a team and he can totally hold his own when it comes to childcare and running the house by himself, but actively caring for and crucially, knowing what the best thing to do for another person who needs help would be terrifying for him.

I'm so sorry you are so ill, I hope you manage to work out a way of getting through it together, you need each other, he's most likely as scared, angry and frustrated as you are but he's purposely not showing it, it may come across as not caring enough, or not feeling enough, or not doing enough, but that may not be a true reflection at all.

Buy in help.

Op I am sorry you are going through this. I presume he is trying his best but perhaps it’s not good enough. As it sounds like you have always done the shopping/cooking etc. I would try for the house keeper if you can although you shouldn’t have to! I can imagine how frustrating this is and at this point you must just want to be looked after. Have you any friends that can get some of the sachets you need? Or could dh do an online shop and check with you before he orders.

Here speaketh a person who has never cared for someone who has has had major abdominal surgery / bowel / digestion issues.

' I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis.'

I have been neutropenic in the past so can understand the worry. However, those bacteria will probably be in your gut anyway so you will hopefully be ok. Not sure why a electrolyte would contain bacteria seems odd. Its understandable to annoyed with DH but you really wouldn't expect them to contain it. Try Hi5 electrolyte they are good and come in tablets to dissolve.

Watch out for any temperature's if you have a temperature which come back after paracetamol call the hospital.

Good luck remember the chemo is there to make you better.as my consultant said tough times but you will get there

@pimplebum But OP isn’t your best friend and she’s very unwell.

Your comments were massively unacceptable to a stranger on the internet who is poorly and struggling.

Choose your words carefully.

I’m sorry you’re going through this OP. Honestly, he sounds thoughtless and lazy. I’d be very upset and frustrated in your shoes, you shouldn’t have to ask him to do anything, he should be on top of it.

The bar is set so low for men.

Spell it out for him that in order for you to rest and recover, you can’t micromanage him and he needs to make much more of an effort to care for you.

@CaptainFuture What on earth does "they're flavour not flavour" mean? That makes no sense.

The carer must not eat a proper meal.
The carer must eat the same as the patient.
Eating proper food is outrageous.
Stone him.

I think what you're going through is amplifying all your emotions. If it's taken you five decades to get here, your marriage really must be worth saving..Sorry I have no good advice other than to continue to express your feelings and hopefully he will become more caring before long. Concentrate on the light at the end of the tunnel if you can, for now..best wishes.

This. ^

I am sorry you're going through a really tough time @4seasons but I think YABU (a bit!) Men by their very design, and upbringing, don't have many 'caring' genes, and they are not used to putting others before themelves. Your DH has had a lifetime of being waited on hand and foot by women - you for 50 years and his mother for I presume for some 20-25 years before that - and it's a massive wrench for him to not be the one who is having everything done for him. (And to actually have to be doing something for someone else!)

Add in the fact that he is clearly well into his mid 70s, (or older) so will be tired and weary and exhausted himself. Caring for someone ill or infirm is a hard task. We all say 'til death do us part' in our marriage vows (most do anyway!) but it should be changed to 'til severe illness do us part,' because the truth is that most people don't want to look after an ill and infirm person (even if it's their spouse,) especially if they're getting on in years (70+) and some people physically and mentally can't. Because frankly it's really hard work, and you don't know when it's going to stop. Same with caring for elderly parents.

As I say, I'm sorry you're having a tough time, but I think you need to cut him some slack.

@SaintAgatha totally agree. I am having cancer treatment… I’m a very pragmatic and independent person but in the midst of feeling poorly you just don’t need the emotional wrangling on top of it.

He roasted a joint of lamb to eat all for himself? And all the trimmings? Then offered you manky quiche?
That is bang out of order!

He sounds clumsy and a bit clueless, but not an evil person. Just someone who is struggling.
You sound tetchy and spiky, but also not an evil person. Just someone who is ill, struggling and lashing out.

You need each other now more than ever. You are both terrified. You are both in uncharted territory.

@Pluvia is talking a lot of sense.

Quietly hating him… I’d be loudly hating.

If you love someone you get your finger out your arse and learn how to care for them to the highest possible specification. When my mum had to have radiotherapy my dad came round and helped me care for her. They’ve been divorced 20 years but he actually cares because she’s the mother of his children. Men are capable of care, there’s male nurses, male care workers, and just run of the mill men who care for sick people in their family.

I probably did do things that made my mum's final months worse — I just didn't know it. I'm sure at one point I gave her something (something to do with controlling stomach acid) that she shouldn't have had, and which made things worse. I'm not a nurse and neither is OP's husband.

OP is clearly on top of the current guidance for her condition and able to express herself, and she's online. Perhaps googling for the best hydration product, for example, and asking him to buy that particular one would help. I've certainly gone to the pharmacy for something for a neighbour before now and ended up buying the wrong thing because it wasn't clear which of several alternatives was needed.

Sorry for what you’re going through but I think you’re being unfair to your husband who is trying his best.

So how do you think the OP knows unless she has been told??

How do you explain he gave her stuff she is allergic to? The blackcurrant drink. That’s nothing to do with cancer right?

And btw, the role of the person accompanying the one who is ill IS to retain all that information so they can remind/tell the person who is ill what’s going on.

Realistic, but yeah! Shocking that they don't step up when needed.

@Pluvia the difference is that you stepped in though. You didn’t do stuff that would put your mum life in danger.

No one is saying that caring for someone who is seriously ill is easy.
But it’s also fucking hard to be the one who is ill and wondering how you’ll cope with the next chemo, if it will work etc… wo also having to triple check what your dh is giving you to eat/drink. I mean he gave her blackcurrant flavour electrolytes to someone ALLERGIC to blackcurrants!

The problem isn’t that he is finding it hard. Thats normal.
It’s the fact he is doing dangerous things for her health. That’s not normal,

But many other people here have said they've been in the same position and ALSO had no idea about what you could or couldn't do food wise? So it's not unique to OPs DH, were they also not listening? Or were they trying to take in so much new information all in one go, being expected to retain and remember whilst being quietly terrified about the future?