To be quietly hating my husband

So in that case that can be the perfectly valid reason why OP's DH may not be very good at nursing his wife. He was TAUGHT differently and that is not his fault.

We are TAUGHT differently.

Putting a new fuel tank in a Land Rover is a fairly specialist skill. Giving a fuck about other human beings - especially one who has cared for you for 50 years - is not.

No one is excusing an 'arsehole coasting through life', the op herself says he's been a good husband so far.

Her examples that have her hating him seem so very minor. She is clearly projecting all her fury onto him which is understandable but not fair.

Your last comment is awful. I'd ask mnhq to edit if I were you.

Just sending you a hug 🌼

I don't know where you live but most UK cancer services have a hotline you can ring for advice on when you become unwell. Maybe you could ask your husband to call that and they'll advise whether hospitalisation is necessary.

I'm really sorry you're going through this. It isn't easy on either of you.

Where are your children? If you were my mum, you’d be complaining to me constantly about how useless my dad was and I’d be over there managing him into doing a better job.

Very sorry you’re going through what sounds like a hellish time. I hope you start to feel a bit better soon. But for God’s sake, rope your kids in to sort your DH out.

I want to give you a huge, huge hug.

My mum could have written your post 2 years ago. She had advanced cancer and watching my dad move into a caregiver role was hard - he is not as caring as your husband sounds but every bit as frustrating!

They were together for 40+ years and I remember how angry she was at him and I completely understand why. You know you'd do better than he's doing in this situation. I think someone mentioned above - some men can't anticipate the needs of those around them with the same fluency that some women can, and it's frustrating. All you can see are the shortcomings, and not the effort.

💐 i hope your treatment goes well

When DH was very ill a few years ago (dialysis rather than chemo, but his eGFR was seriously low), he had loads of.dietary restrictions - about 20 foods that he should avoid completely and dozens and dozens of others which he should have only rarely. There's no way I could have remembered them all.

We.got his dietician to print out lists which we pinned to the fridge. Would that help here @4seasons?

It sounds like you have a lot of innate knowledge that he just doesn’t have. He’s out of his depth and learning the hard way, but he is trying, even if he’s getting it wrong. Try to relax and let these little irritations wash over you.

Well OP is phrasing it like she wanted some and is insulted by the quiche as an alternative. And no, you're right, I'm not a colorectal or bowel cancer nurse/specialist.

To all those saying he isn't doing this deliberately ! or that he is "doing his best" - that's not the point. The point is that OP needs proper care and isn't getting it. Also she needs proper emotional care and isn't getting it. Stop making excuses for him and men like him. Having said that, vent on here OP then let the anger and stress go as much as you can.

I wonder, OP, if you are more specific with him he will do better?
Can you give him a very specific list of foods etc that you can have and might tolerate?
Tell him you need him to be more available to you and what you want him to do should certain scenarios arise?
I know it's shit and you shouldn't have to.
You sound lovely and that you've been the anchor in your family. 💪
Cancer fucking sucks. You deserve every kindness and gentle and loving care. Sending you a handhold during this brutal and scary time. 🩷

No, he didn't. It was a slice of cold lamb from a previous roast.

I am actually interested in whether the no reheated food rule is real or just assumed. Not as an unkind gotcha or anything. But because I've never heard that about chemo patients. Even if hospital they serve them reheated food!

@4seasons forgot to say, please do speak to your team re: side effects. They can help with sickness/ diarrhoea etc. Don’t suffer in silence, it’s hard enough as it is.

'You're probably and old person or not from a very good background'

😂😂😂😂

I feel for you, OP. But I would say, this is why you don't marry a fixer-upper and spend the rest of your marriage 'knocking him into shape'. I know women married to men like this, and it's all fine and dandy complaining about their uselessness and enjoying being 'the competent one' in the marriage. Until something goes wrong, and they suddenly need him to be competent.

I'm not trying to come for you at a time when you already feel terrible. But the fact is, you've spent fifty years tolerating the bumbling inefficiency of this man. And now you're expecting him to do a complete 180, because you've been diagnosed with cancer. It would be nice if this was the wake-up call that stopped him being so lazy, and he stepped up to become a better husband. But he's had five decades of positive reinforcement for his uselessness. If he wasn't the sort of man who could remember basics like "my wife is allergic to blackcurrants" before, he's not going to change now.

He probably is trying, is the sad thing. The problem is, the bar has been set so low his whole life, that he probably thinks he deserves a medal for his current efforts. And doesn't realise they're nowhere near where they need to be, actually. I think your only hope is to have a family friend, or your adult children, tell him as much. He'll be more likely to believe an outsider, and can't dismiss them as being grumpy from chemo.

I don't think we're wired differently as I know lots of women great with their hands and men great at cooking, tidying, etc... You're probably an old person or not from a very good background. But I do agree that we're socialised differently certainly, especially couples of OP's age

Many of the 'rules' around what is safe to eat for patients undergoing chemo is similar to pregnant women. Also, chemo kills all the good gut bacteria, so diarrhoea, terrible wind and other related gastric issues are pretty much a certainty. The type of chemo OP is having also kills all the rapidly growing cells in her oesophagus, so acid reflux is a certainty. Hopefully lansoprazole has been prescribed.

@4seasons Drink as much water during the infusion itself as possible, and for the rest of the first 48 hours of each chemo cycle. This will help your gut. Also, ask for a better anti-sickness tablet, I found the one of the ones I was given made me unwell, but ondansetron was better. I also refused steroids. This alone made my stomach so much better. Due to this, was also prescribed levomeprmazine which helped me sleep through the worst of the first week's chemo cycle.

Sadly, your husband doesn't really know how to cope with things, but at the same times, not many people really know what to deal with someone else undergoing chemo. Tbh, taking note of your temperature during the first few days of chemo is the most effective thing to do because in all likelihood, you don't need to rush to hospital due to chemo after effects.

I was somewhat lucky inasmuch as I underwent chemo when I was single, living alone and had to take responsibility for myself. I had a much better time keeping myself in check than another friend whose partner was an absolute pig to her during this time. Try to remember, your husband is trying, particularly in terms of cooking for you. Spell out what you can and cannot eat. You really can't expect anyone to know this. I know when I was in a similar position, I was very clear to those who wanted to help me what I was allowed and what I wanted, and what I did not. Ultimately, you need to rest and not be stressed. You have to tell your husband what you need from him at this time. Unfortunately, you can't rely on anyone to know what you want or need.

Wishing you well for the rest of your treatment and recovery.

Sorry you are going through this hell OP. I’m also on chemo for sarcoma cancer and it’s fucking horrific. The fear, the frustration, the anger; all these emotions will be running high as this diagnosis details both your lives.

You will need to make it clear what you want and need food and drink wise as I’m sure things will change from hour to hour. He’s probably doing his best. If your temp is up, just call your cancer hotline for advice; that’s what I do. I wasn’t aware of reheating food being a no, but it’s important to be safe obviously.

Can your adult children help out at all? It’s an incredibly stressful time for all.

How is your relationship generally?

Correct.

Do you understand how under pressure services are? There will be no support available for someone in this scenario.

OP please can you let us know your ages. And let us know where your children are in all this?

I can't believe the posters saying ...'aww poor thing perhaps he doesn't understand you are immunocompromised' 🙈...he is utterly failing as an adult if he doesn't understand that for someone going through chemo they have to avoid so many risks of infection, it's basic.

Really sorry you are having to manage your own care support whilst being ill. 💐💐Its dreadfully unfair and all the apologists for a lazy man ...make me despair