Page 3 | To be quietly hating my husband

4seasons · 2025-05-29T05:23:57+00:00

I’ll try to keep it short. Married over 50 years , 2 adult children together. Recent major abdominal surgery for advanced ovarian cancer. Taking some time to get over this but doing ok. Had first chemo a week ago. Horrendous side effects. Last 2 days awful diarrhoea … I have a colostomy so makes life worse. Am getting angrier and angrier with DH . Yes … he’s cooking our meals now but I did it without comment for years … including when there were 4 of us and I had a full time job .Whilst I was in the middle of a literal shit storm last night ( sorry if TMI) he was fannying around with a clip board writing down temperatures and times . Situation reversed I’d have rung for an ambulance for him but he seems very reluctant to do this . Perhaps I’m not “ ill enough yet “? Eventually he took himself off to bed ( own room ) as he was “ very tired “. I’ve been awake all night for obvious reasons and feel ill and exhausted. He’s still snoring away , nice and comfy. I asked for an electrolyte replacement sachet yesterday. He got me blackcurrant ones … I’m allergic to blackcurrants. Got me an alternative which I took. I now see on the box it contains live bacteria … I am on chemo and not supposed to take it !!! So now I’m panicking about infection/ sepsis. It all sounds horribly ungrateful but dear god …common sense, care. Surely it’s not too much to ask ? I’ve done it for years through his health issues. Only a little thing , but enraging …Went downstairs ( I’ve bedbound for a few days ) …. he’s happily tucking in to a large roast lamb dinner with a glass of red . He looks irritated at my appearance and jumps up to reheat ( yes … REHEAT…. for a chemo patient) a piece of quiche for me. I didn’t realise it wasn’t freshly cooked . There just isn’t any thoughtful genuine care / concern is there ? Or am I just too ill to be rationale ??

Friartruckster · 29/05/2025 17:43

Hope you see from the number of responses, I suspect are a mixed bag, but none the less, the sisterhood got your back op

Gloriia · 29/05/2025 17:36

'think it is incredibly insensitive of you to report someone for hatefulness because they think her feelings are reasonable'

You wouldn't have been reported because you think her feelings are reasonable. I'd imagine it's more to do with what you hoped would happen when he was next eating his dinner .

Lurkingandlearning · 29/05/2025 17:18

Pluvia · 29/05/2025 15:34

@Lurkingandlearning I have very rarely reported anyone to the Mods but I've reported your last post. It's hateful and I imagine is likely to cause the OP distress. She posted in a moment of high dudgeon and has since clarified a number of issues. This is her husband of 50 years who's doing what he can.

You clearly haven't lurked or learned nearly enough.

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Perhaps I should have said, “No OP, you are not being unreasonable to be quietly hating your husband .” I just agreed with her but phrased it more bluntly. I think it is incredibly insensitive of you to report someone for hatefulness because they think her feelings are reasonable, feelings that have remained consistent throughout her posts. If by being in a dudgeon you meant she is angry, of course she is. If you used that word to be condescending and minimise her feelings then perhaps someone should report your post. I won’t because I want it to stay there for everyone to see how ridiculous it is.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/05/2025 17:00

CapitalAtRisk · 29/05/2025 14:22

No, he didn't. It was a slice of cold lamb from a previous roast.

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Thank you. I see that now.

Pluvia · 29/05/2025 16:32

Okay.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/05/2025 16:27

Pluvia · 29/05/2025 16:19

I'm not coming at you in a personal fashion, I'm just answering questions that you asked me!

I'm basing my assumptions about your experience of cancer/ chemo / looking after someone with cancer who's suffering badly during chemo, on what you've said in a number of posts.

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But I've not posted about chemo or lack of it? Sorry I don't feel great about your assumptions about me.

Spacecowboys · 29/05/2025 16:21

Your diagnosis must have come as a huge shock to both of you.
You have been together for 50 years and in that time I suspect you have been the 'matriarch' of the family. It will take time and patience for you both to get used to the new normal. That you are the one who needs looked after now. Roles and responsibilities have changed and you're probably both feeling a bit 'lost'. But you will get through it together ❤️.

Pluvia · 29/05/2025 16:19

BobbyBiscuits · 29/05/2025 16:00

Thank you. I still don't see how you know whether or not me or my family have had cancer.
Or why you're coming for me in such a personal fashion.

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I'm not coming at you in a personal fashion, I'm just answering questions that you asked me!

I'm basing my assumptions about your experience of cancer/ chemo / looking after someone with cancer who's suffering badly during chemo, on what you've said in a number of posts.

Gloriia · 29/05/2025 16:16

I'd be furious if he was out everyday playing golf, if the fridge was empty, if he was telling his dw to stop moaning but we've had none of that. Just offering the wrong food while quietly consuming his own

ticktickticktickBOOM · 29/05/2025 16:15

Gloriia · 29/05/2025 16:03

I'm sorry, as I've said I've had major surgery years ago with long and complicated recovery and this stuff just seems so minor. Understandably the op is feeling very ill and her fury must be directed somewhere.

'We are mid to late 70s and until the cancer hit me were fit and active. Out for walks every day , cinema, theatre etc. We enjoyed regular weekends away and holidays in Scotland etc'

They seem to have had a close relationship prior to this so I'd focus on that and not on eggs.

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I agree.

. . and while we're on it - there is no actual blackcurrant in Dioralyte.

It's just synthetic flavouring. There is zero allergy risk.

Storm in a tea cup all this.

OP - your husband sounds lovely. He's roasted you a chicken today - enjoy it and I hope you get your full appetite back soon.

nodramaplz · 29/05/2025 16:13

I think he’s trying his best. You’re focusing on all negatives- he jumped up from his own meal to heat one for you. The wrong one perhaps but he did so.

I’m sorry for your bad news x

Gloriia · 29/05/2025 16:03

GreenCandleWax · 29/05/2025 15:48

Caring as in offering her eggs for breakfast after specific instructions that she is not to eat eggs? Giving her a blackcurrant preparation when she is allergic to blackcurrant? I can't bellieve the apologists on here for male failings, dangerous as they could be.

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I'm sorry, as I've said I've had major surgery years ago with long and complicated recovery and this stuff just seems so minor. Understandably the op is feeling very ill and her fury must be directed somewhere.

'We are mid to late 70s and until the cancer hit me were fit and active. Out for walks every day , cinema, theatre etc. We enjoyed regular weekends away and holidays in Scotland etc'

They seem to have had a close relationship prior to this so I'd focus on that and not on eggs.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/05/2025 16:00

Pluvia · 29/05/2025 15:53

Because if you'd had cancer and chemo, or looked after anyone who had, you'd understand that in the days following chemo when your gut bacteria has been wiped out, you feel dreadful and you have terrible diarrhoea, a roast dinner and a glass of wine aren't likely to appeal greatly and almost certainly aren't going to help your digestive system settle.

You're sharing this thread with all the people posting on it.

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Thank you. I still don't see how you know whether or not me or my family have had cancer.
Or why you're coming for me in such a personal fashion.

Meanttobeworking · 29/05/2025 15:58

Tbf I would have no idea about reheated quiche or the bacteria thing being a no-no for chemo either.

Pluvia · 29/05/2025 15:53

BobbyBiscuits · 29/05/2025 15:43

I don't understand this part-
You're sharing this thread with a load of people who have never had cancer or similar or tried to look after someone who has. I hope you never do, for your sake. It's terrifying for both the patient and the carer

How do you know I've never had cancer or had a close family who has? And I'm not sharing this thread with anyone?

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Because if you'd had cancer and chemo, or looked after anyone who had, you'd understand that in the days following chemo when your gut bacteria has been wiped out, you feel dreadful and you have terrible diarrhoea, a roast dinner and a glass of wine aren't likely to appeal greatly and almost certainly aren't going to help your digestive system settle.

You're sharing this thread with all the people posting on it.

Worriedsickmostofthetime · 29/05/2025 15:52

OP my dad has been having chemo for the last 3 months. It’s been tough on him and it’s been tough on my mum too. He is grumpy and unplayable some days and she gets grouched at no matter what she does. She takes herself out for a couple of hours a day to a friend to give him space.
It really does sound like your husband is hopping between being helpful but not really knowing what to do, to trying to keep life normal and also to stay out of your way. I’m sure he can sense your annoyance and probably is just trying to keep things as normal as possible.
I think if you have any real expectations of what you want him to be doing or not doing you need to be direct and spell them out. Nobody is a mind reader and most times people (especially good blokes of 50 years) are just doing the best they can even if it doesn’t feel that way.

GreenCandleWax · 29/05/2025 15:48

Gloriia · 29/05/2025 15:30

'Giving a fuck about other human beings - especially one who has cared for you for 50 years - is not.'

I'm sure he 'gives a fuck' he just isn't doing things to the op's exact requirements.

Caring as in offering her eggs for breakfast after specific instructions that she is not to eat eggs? Giving her a blackcurrant preparation when she is allergic to blackcurrant? I can't bellieve the apologists on here for male failings, dangerous as they could be.

Original poster

4seasons · 29/05/2025 15:44

Well a very nice oncologist rang this morning and we had a thorough chat about my symptoms etc. I am girding my loins ( literally ) for another bout this evening. So frustrating as I was starting to feel more human after awful bone pain and fatigue… hoping for a ride out or a stroll. Now I daren’t leave the house !!
I found a recipe online for an electrolyte solution that you can make yourself from everyday ingredients. So a jug of that is in the fridge.
He did 10 mins of performative hoovering this morning then basically disappeared downstairs to read the newspaper. Think he senses my annoyance. An hour ago I went downstairs to get something low fibre to eat … bread and jam anyone ?? I was told about his lunch .. nice ham , poached eggs , grilled tomatoes and he told me he’d got a chicken curry out of the freezer for his dinner !!! I could have cried from envy. On the upside he’d roasted and cooled a chicken breast for my snack later and said I could have some of his plain rice. So , he is starting to think isn’t he ?
Just on the subject of reheating food .. ok to take cooked quiche out of freezer and heat in the oven. But not safe to then reheat the quiche again later. Allows too much bacterial growth. He’s always been a person who’d eat out of date food ( a couple of days ) whilst I would throw it away. I’ve kept his tummy safe for years !! In fact , don’t ever remember him having diarrhoea .
I have calmed down a bit now … the advantage of Mumsnet advice …. but am still left slightly irritated and disappointed by him. The blackcurrant allergy in particular annoys me. He’s always first to tell people in restaurants about it. Maybe his stress level just messed with his mind . I know the feeling.
People asked our ages. We are mid to late 70s and until the cancer hit me were fit and active. Out for walks every day , cinema, theatre etc. We enjoyed regular weekends away and holidays in Scotland etc. No carers or support needed. Our children are late 40s / 50s , live in London and have full time jobs.
I’m hoping this will be a “ blip “
we can cope with and that the chemo will help me live longer . I really miss my old life . Lying in bed ruminating on DHs failings probably doesn’t do me any good.
God , I’d give anything for a plateful of chicken jalfrezi or even a big cream cake and a cuppa !! All forbidden at the moment.
I’m seeing my own oncologist next week and will certainly be talking through side effects and how I can be helped.
You certainly do see other aspects of people in this situation that you never really noticed before. Good and bad.

OP posts:

GreenCandleWax · 29/05/2025 15:43

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 29/05/2025 15:23

So in that case that can be the perfectly valid reason why OP's DH may not be very good at nursing his wife. He was TAUGHT differently and that is not his fault.

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Do you have to be "taught" to be a decent human being who cares enough for their spoouse to take trouble in looking after them? That is not a learned skill.

BobbyBiscuits · 29/05/2025 15:43

Pluvia · 29/05/2025 15:28

She later went on to explain that it was a cold cut of lamb that he heated up for himself and she didn't want. It wasn't clear why this angered her so, but she is scared and feeling awful and in those circumstances it's easier to be angry and despairing about little things than to acknowledge the fear you're experiencing. It's like people who are so worried when a child doesn't come home on time that they yell at it, rather than hugging it, when it walks through the door.

You're sharing this thread with a load of people who have never had cancer or similar or tried to look after someone who has. I hope you never do, for your sake. It's terrifying for both the patient and the carer. It's a situation packed with unknown unknowns. Every person is different, every physical response is different, every doctor or nurse who treats you has a slightly different opinion on what's happening and what you should or shouldn't do. The people who seem to expect a 70+-year-old man to suddenly develop the skills and knowledge of an HCP are in cloud cuckoo land. He's trying. He'll get better with practice. The OP will get better and with a bit of. luck this time next year they'll be starting to get over the trauma this has caused them BOTH.

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I don't understand this part-
You're sharing this thread with a load of people who have never had cancer or similar or tried to look after someone who has. I hope you never do, for your sake. It's terrifying for both the patient and the carer

How do you know I've never had cancer or had a close family who has? And I'm not sharing this thread with anyone?

VickiFromAmsterdam · 29/05/2025 15:39

Nothing else will ever fuck you up like chemo does. Your H may be a cunt, or he could well be trying his best. I know it’s happening to you, & unless you’ve been there you don’t have a clue, but he’s going through it too. Take care OP.

Pluvia · 29/05/2025 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

@Lurkingandlearning I have very rarely reported anyone to the Mods but I've reported your last post. It's hateful and I imagine is likely to cause the OP distress. She posted in a moment of high dudgeon and has since clarified a number of issues. This is her husband of 50 years who's doing what he can.

You clearly haven't lurked or learned nearly enough.

Mumtobabyhavoc · 29/05/2025 15:32

YourSignalFadedIntoAnotherWorld · 29/05/2025 15:23

So in that case that can be the perfectly valid reason why OP's DH may not be very good at nursing his wife. He was TAUGHT differently and that is not his fault.

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might be why someone is a bit out of depth, but no excuse for not not stepping up and trying one's best.

Gloriia · 29/05/2025 15:30

'Giving a fuck about other human beings - especially one who has cared for you for 50 years - is not.'

I'm sure he 'gives a fuck' he just isn't doing things to the op's exact requirements.

Pluvia · 29/05/2025 15:28

BobbyBiscuits · 29/05/2025 14:54

Well OP is phrasing it like she wanted some and is insulted by the quiche as an alternative. And no, you're right, I'm not a colorectal or bowel cancer nurse/specialist.

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She later went on to explain that it was a cold cut of lamb that he heated up for himself and she didn't want. It wasn't clear why this angered her so, but she is scared and feeling awful and in those circumstances it's easier to be angry and despairing about little things than to acknowledge the fear you're experiencing. It's like people who are so worried when a child doesn't come home on time that they yell at it, rather than hugging it, when it walks through the door.

You're sharing this thread with a load of people who have never had cancer or similar or tried to look after someone who has. I hope you never do, for your sake. It's terrifying for both the patient and the carer. It's a situation packed with unknown unknowns. Every person is different, every physical response is different, every doctor or nurse who treats you has a slightly different opinion on what's happening and what you should or shouldn't do. The people who seem to expect a 70+-year-old man to suddenly develop the skills and knowledge of an HCP are in cloud cuckoo land. He's trying. He'll get better with practice. The OP will get better and with a bit of. luck this time next year they'll be starting to get over the trauma this has caused them BOTH.