To be quietly hating my husband

I think he's getting to grips with everything you've been doing for years, and has no idea how much prempting and information gathering you've done.

In his defense I wouldn't have know about the live bacteria in a rehydration sachet, or that you couldn't eat reheated quiche.

Has he had it explained to him that all food for chemo patients must be freshly cooked or opened? Does he understand that chemo has wiped out your immune system so cleanliness and avoidance of as many bacteria as possible are essential? Is he just a bit dim?

Agree with the pp re how your current health and all the stress that must bring.
The dioralyte sachets I believe don't contain any actual blackcurrant, they're flavour not flavour?
Also re the lamb, what size of a cut was it? A full rack hed kept to himself or had he just bought a small cutlet.
If you really think he's vindictively made himself a nice meal to your exclusion, that's a whole other story.
Do you think you needed an ambulance? Why didn't you call one?

I’m sorry you’re going through such a tough time. I do agree with pp though - it may be that he just doesn’t know specifics about things like the live bacteria. And although you were obviously feeling wretched, were your symptoms within ‘normal range’ for someone undergoing chemo? If so, he perhaps thought monitoring things was the right thing to do.

of course if he’s being unsupportive then you’ve every right to feel angry with him but it does sound like much of this may be due to you having to process this frightening diagnosis and maybe some residual feelings of resentment that you did all the cooking when you were both working full time (which I personally think is wrong but did you ever raise this at the time?)

explain to your dh all the dos and don’ts specific to your needs. And don’t blame him for getting a decent night sleep. Of course it feels horrid when you aren’t, but him feeling rubbish too isn’t going to make you feel any better.

wishing you the best for your treatment

I’m in total disagreement with pp’s. He sounds like a contemptible arse.
Do you have any money you can throw at this? Part-time housekeeper, meals being delivered, carer in a couple of times a day? He doesn’t want to care for you, so you’re going to have to find care elsewhere and then bin the husband when you’re better.
I hope all goes well with your treatment.

You need to be a gentler towards him. It’s awful what you’re going through but it sounds like he’s trying hard and probably dealing with some quite strong emotions of his own. Is he doing those things deliberately to annoy you? Hopefully not. In which case, he’s just being a bit thoughtless and forgetful. Can you write it down for him what you can and can’t have?

To add to a previous posters comments about being a punching bag. My DHs brother has cancer as well and he doesn’t haven’t any family other than my husband to care for him through some pretty shitty life choices. Cancer is tough on everyone and I’m sorry OP.

Sorry OP it sounds tough.
My dad is currently undergoing chemo and he says one of the side effects is that come late afternoon he is pretty grumpy. Whilst I am not condoning your DH if he is truly being insensitive and uncaring as you haven’t told us much about how he has behaved over the past 50 years. It may be worth considering that you are not in the best place mentally and emotionally. It can be very difficult to transition from being cared for to being the carer and your husband may be a bit out of sorts. Cancer is tough on everyone. Take care xxx

To be fair, I would have no idea a chemo patient couldn't have live bacteria or reheated quiche. The clipboard and temperature sounds like he was trying to get information in case you needed to be admitted - but I wasn't there.

Could you be enraged at your terrible diagnosis and what you are going through and hitting out at the person closest to you? It is tough being a carer, don't use him as a punchbag for your understandable unhappiness.

I am so sorry you are going through this, I hope you can talk it through with your husband to find a place of love and support.

You might be a little tetchy at the moment, because you're feeling absolutely rotten which is extremely understandable.

Men who havnt had to get used to "mind reading" (I. E, being pro-active, keeping someone else's situation in mind, intuition, prioritising others needs) don't know how to do it - many women have gotten to grips with it, kind of a necessity when looking at a family and kids, but maybe your husband simply doesn't know how to do it.

Did you tell him you thought you needed an ambulance, for example? He may have thought what you were dealing with was unfortunately normal for the situation, and didn't realise you were scared in particular.

What upset you about the quiche? The fact you didn't get lamb, or that it wasn't freshly cooked? Maybe he thought you were too unwell for lamb, maybe he didn't realise the importance of freshly cooked quiche (I know I wouldn't).

Maybe he didn't realise the sachet had bacteria / you're not supposed to have it?

I'm not trying to make excuses for him. I'll happily jump on him for being a swine if his actions really are a lack of care... But he may just be slightly incompetent, if he's never had to provide care for someone else before? Which is terrible, but not strictly a lack of care for you... And may be fixed with a conversation about how he has to be pro-active in being mindful to your needs, because you're in no state to be writing lists for him at the moment. He needs to step up.

I haven’t got any advice really, OP, but didn’t want to read and run without wishing you all the very best with your health 💐

YANBU