To be quietly hating my husband

I'm so sorry you are in this situation.
It sounds like he's probably trying his best but it's a fairly poor best.
Screw the rugby. Make it clear you need him. He'll cope with missing one match.

Old dogs can learn new tricks.

he needs to step up.

This.
So many people rushing to the defence of an another feckless, selfish man.

no, he might not know how to do everything but he should be being proactive and finding out!!

Cancer is an inconvenience to him. He’s going to be shit all the way through this OP and you have every right to be raging.

best wishes with your treatment.

Seek help from other women as well as your DH.
Can you ask your children to step up and learn about your care needs? One of my kids came to the pre op and made a list of all the things I couldn't remember.
She shopped for all possible medication and sick bags to combat every disaster after chemo. She took my temperature three times per day to see if I needed to go to emergency etc.

Your husband needs someone to remind him and keep him on track and it should not be you.
Be proactive in writing down food requirements and when you would like cups of tea etc.

You DH is also coping with your illness, treatment and managing new skills. His best won't be able to read your mind.
Ask him to inquire more, to ask more and to lavish TLC.
Make contact with local support group so you can talk to others feeling similar to you...or claim more alone time - I preferred that.

I read the OP and the first few responses and I have another view. I believe people can and should educate them on caring responsibilities and inform themselves of the illness and how to care. Ask the doctor and I am sure they send you home with material from hospital visits and use the internet - it’s all there!

This is the beginning so make him read it now if he hasn’t taken on doing that himself.

I think this is unfortunately the end result of a marriage where the woman takes the lead, and the husband isn’t a proactive partner. That’s the way a lot of relationships go OP, so I’m not slamming you for that. What you’re going through sounds utterly brutal, but you’re essentially asking a child to manage a home at this point. He probably feels proud of himself for managing the small amount of cooking he’s doing (eye roll inserted here).

I agree that unfortunately it might be prudent to throw some money at this, for your comfort mostly.

One of the reasons I left my ex (the reasons were myriad, he was not a good person) was that I had flu and he left me in the house with our toddler, after telling me he was going to the pub, because “there’s no point in my being stuck in with you when you’re ill”. I got my ducks in a row and left him a year after.

Wishing you all the very best, OP. I hope it starts to go gentler for you.

You need to focus on yourself and leave him to do what he’s doing. He doesn’t have to do everything exactly like you, if he wants to write all the timings down for dinner this fine. It doesn’t materially change anything for you.
Not sure I would have rung an ambulance for someone with diarrhoea chemo or not so I don’t think it’s fair to blame him for that. If you need that action you need to speak up.

And as far as him eating with a glass of wine because you’re upstairs ill? What do you want exactly? For him not to eat when you’re sick? For him to leave everything else and lie at the foot of your bed?

It’s completely understandable that you’re tired and feeling shit and in a bad mood but in this case I feel like you’re taking it out on your DH rather than having any justifiable grievances.
My MIL recently had a very intense battle with cancer and the whole thing was just as shit and traumatic for FIL.

Do you have some kind of “Adult Services”? He’s neglecting you. You are not managing and he is not remotely plugged into your caring needs. Call the hospital and ask to speak to a social worker

I think it’s probably the frustration of realising that after decades of putting others first, of considering everybody’s needs - they haven’t been trained. And when you need it - they haven’t really got a clue. That when you’re holding everything together, you’re doing far more than running a hoover around or making dinner. For this reason I make my boys do as much as I can get away with.

I imagine he probably thought you wouldn’t be able to eat lamb if you had an upset stomach and quiche is very gentle. But I didn’t know about the reheating thing. Honestly that was just bloody careless and selfish, he should have known.

I’ve had chemo and I didn’t know about this (or the freshly cooked food).

What has he been like the previous fifty years?

I’m sorry to hear about your diagnosis and wish you all the best, it’s tough. I remember raging at my then bf for going to the pub with some friends of ours when I felt he should have wanted to be with me, not out having a laugh. I do look back and wonder if I was being unreasonable, I still don’t really know.

I am really sorry for what you are going through. My parents were in this situation a few years ago (mum diagnosed with stage 3 ovarian cancer, surgery, chemo etc). Dad similar to your husband in cooking skills - they relied on Cook ready made meals - maybe that could be an option for you both?

Just a small tangential point... I still don't really understand the hospital thing. When he was ill a few years ago, he wasn't on chemo surely. Afaik it's not advisable for chemo patients to go to hospital too much of avoidable, because of risk of exposure to everything floating around in the hospital with a weakened immune system. Studies have shown unnecessary admissions can be quite dangerous. That's what I was told anyway and that would have been my line of thought in this situation.

Re the rugby, tell him. "I'd really appreciate it if you didn't go this week, I'm not feeling well enough to be left alone". Judge him on his response, not resent him for you facilitating him going.

The slow cooker is odd I've never known anything dry out, did he follow a recipe?

You need to tell him what to do because he isn't a mind reader.

Where are your children in all this OP?

Again, I can only imagine that you are in your 70s if you’ve been married for 50 years. My 70 year old dad would be a complete bumbling fool trying to all of a sudden be the nurturer in my parents marriage should something happen to my mum. It wouldn’t be out of anything other than inexperience and not for lack of caring or love. Sometimes people genuinely don’t know what to do or how to behave in situations because they’ve never had to be that way. Be gentle with each other.

It sounds like he's doing his best and you're taking everything out on him to be honest....so what if he was eating dinner with wine? Surely he's entitled to eat and have a glass of wine....Perhaps he looked irritated because it was the first time he'd sat down to eat something proper and you turned up looking disgruntled.
How was he supposed to know you can't have live bacteria? You need to tell him things not expect him to automatically know!
I'm sorry you're unwell OP and I really hope you reach the road to recovery soon, just remember your husband is only human too and also needs food and rest, you can't pour from an empty cup! 💐

It’s not advice, @navelgazing , it’s an infuriated opinion.
The op is having treatment for advanced ovarian cancer and yet most of the posters are more concerned with the feelings of the person to whom she has been married for fifty years. The op needs help now.
If he can’t step up immediately, then what is the point of him?
(Speaking as someone who has cared long term for members of my family with cancer and dementia.)

I can imagine my dad faffing about with a clipboard if my mum was as poorly as you (I hope you start to feel a bit better soon). My mum has always told my dad what to do, generally he does what she says and everything putters along nicely. Is your husband scared do you think? I think he sounds incompetent and unnerved rather than malicious. But he needs to step up and get with the programme. I would give him another chance but ultimately you may have to recognise he's useless in this situation and if you can afford it get some paid help.

Sounds like he’s being an arse and would def upset me. Has he always been like this?

My dad is like this with my mum- it doesn’t seem to be ever on purpose but the lack of empathy and thought about someone else’s needs is astounding- I’m not sure if it’s always been there and we just didn’t see it so much due to circumstances or just become more noticeable as set in his ways in years following retirement. They say worst qualities like narcism get exagerated as you age… My dad would def be the one with a clipboard monitoring temps, then go make a nice chart and congratulate himself on how useful he is rather than actually be of any real help!!

although maybe in this situation he really doesn’t know how to look after someone properly if you have always been the strong one as suggested above?? Maybe he is struggling to see you so ill so not engaging properly and reverting to a safe distance? Or maybe he’s just an arse.

when you feel up to it can you talk to him about it or write him a letter outlining at the moment you need a bit more TLC and why these things would put you at risk- as PP says there could be a factor in him not realising fully the implications of reheating food etc (no excuse for not knowing about your blackberry allergy though!). Would he take it as an attack if he does think he’s trying?? I worry for you that resentment will build unless you catch it now and now is the time for him to step up so you can let down your guard and get through this.

in the meantime do you have any other friends or family who you would feel safe opening up to, or a someone from a cancer group/nurse - sometimes getting these things off your chest in real life can ease some of the frustration. And sometimes you just need a big hug.

sending you lots of love and so sorry you are going through this.

This is very damaging advice. If the OP ends up on her deathbed alone, I assume you, Tutorpuzzle, will be there caring for her and holding her hand?

Of course, this is NOT to say to cling on to simply anyone just because you are ill. But cancer can be really rough on everyone and everything, including relationships.

The pain & the illness can make patients very irritable. I have been in the role of a bumbling carer for a demanding, grumpy patient as well. We are all learning.

It's probably true that the DH has been comparatively less proactive in the house like most older men. Sad truth of the era. But I also think the uncommunicated expectations are a lot here. It was smart of him to track temperatures and times for if the situation escalated IMO. I'm of course not an expert in your situation, but in his position I'm not sure I would call the hospital just yet – if diarrhoea is part of your treatment side effects or illness, why rush you into hospital which is not too safe for a chemo patient?

As for the perceived look of irritation, you say he jumped up - not trying to airily handwave your thoughts away but if he did jump up, he must still have been keen to help you.

For the other things, those were terrible on his part. He definitely needs to research more. But you only mention 2 out of probably 10 or 100 things he does for you in a day. When being a carer I also found all the things I did wrong were nitpicked on and the million things a day I did right were taken for granted.

I'm so sorry you are going through something so horrific.

Yes I think he's not doing much of a job. He clearly didn't think it would require much effort.

I hope you can have a conversation with him. Ask him to research more and that you're not feeling cared for.

I’m more in this camp. I think he sounds like someone who is doing his best, but who is fundamentally deeply selfish, and whose best isn’t that good.

I do think throwing money at a housekeeper would be very sensible. A housekeeper may also be able to educate him on what he should be doing.

What is he like generally with stepping up/being proactive?
Have you talked about your diagnosis with him, or is he just in a blind panic.

On the call an ambulance I actually think it can be very difficult for people to know when to call an ambulance, especially if when growing up it was reserved for heart attacks and sticking out bones (and even then you don’t want to be over dramatic!)

I’m sorry @4seasons

Your DH sounds like a right arse…giving you blackcurrant when your allergic would have royally pissed me off! But that’s probably the least of the worries in what you have written…

My DH had cancer and had chemo and yes I was his ‘punching bag’ it was rough for him and me, his side effects were horrific and I remember just crying watching him be so poorly…but I took an interest and learnt about what he could/couldn’t have, what he should and shouldn’t have for food etc no re heated, fresh foods, sounds like your DH hasn’t even thought about it.

I didn't know those things but if I was taking care of my husband when he was having chemotherapy then I absolutely would know them because I'd want to make sure I looked after him properly